Contact From An Agency In Kent

A few weeks or so after my story came out in the Braintree and Witham times we had a letter come through the post from an agency in Kent called Prime features agency for real people,real stories which was addressed to my parents and was from a lady called Tracy Gayton who had seen my story in our local paper and ran the prime features agency and was wondering if she could use my story which of course again the three of us were fine about her using my story .And so yeah she told us over the phone the kinds of things she needed such as around 6 photos of me ,and some info I believe and yeah she then sent this around to newspapers and magazines to find out if anyone was interested in running the story and me and mum expected to maybe get some interest from a womans magazine or something but a few weeks or so later we heard from Tracy who told us that The Sun newspapers health pages were interested in my story so being as shocked as we were that such a big news paper had shown interest in my story which we were not expecting at all me and mum just assumed there must be some free little booklet type thing/sunday paper with it in and not actually in the sun but oh no it was the sun newspaper that wanted my story which was a complete shocked and told me they would pay me £200 for my story which to be honest I don’t publish my stories in newspapers or online or anything for the money because yeah it’s always nice to have money but I’m not interested in the money and just want the awareness instead so planned on donating the whole £200 to Great Ormond Street Hospital because they deserved that money and well I didn’t need ,want it and nor did I deserve it so was planning to give it all 100% to Great Ormond Street Hospital not even keeping a penny for myself because I don’t need nor want the money so wouldn’t keep it ever .I then had a visit from Tracy Gayton for the first time and she explained more about what was going to happen and what the sun wanted and that kind of thing and she then got me and my mum to sign to say we agreed to it all and that I wouldn’t share my story anywhere for 6 months I believe it was and said how the sun didn’t really want an interview from me as they wanted to use my blog and feature the article around that so she came up to my writing room (bedroom) and helped me to edit bits that they wanted to read about and the info they needed into blog posts such as the odd ones that are completely out-of-order and yeah then the next step was for a photographer from the sun to come out to our home and take pictures of me and my family and of me with my blog which was a really exciting day but I must admit there were a few nerves from me of how it would all turn out but I had great fun posing for photos with my family and with my blog and now all that was left to do was to wait for the article to be printed in the papers

 

Sadly this never happened ever after constant chasing them up and edits that they wanted me to do we eventually after months of chasing the sun up gave up on the article all together and any hope of it actually being published

One Of Those Days

Ok so things were finally starting to look up in life now which was a huge sigh of relief no doubt for those closest to me and my loved ones but however that didn’t mean to say things were perfect because well they weren’t there were still days when I would refuse to go into school or go to lessons but however these incidents were being dealt with more now than they had been in the past such as if I wouldn’t go into school mum would ring Mr Eden and I’d go straight to his office first thing to talk things over with him whether mum had rung him or not also if there was a particular lesson  I didn’t want to go to then again I would go and sit in Mr Eden’s office and he allowed this because he wanted to keep me out of trouble and out of harms way and most likely to stop me from keep bugging him with various things and I most likely did get on his nerves and yeah sorry if I did it wasn’t always intentional 😛

Anyway yeah  it was one of them days when I completely refused to go into school for whatever reason and I was determined I wasn’t going to do any lessons and well mum told me that I’d have to go and speak to Mr Eden about that if I really didn’t want to go into lessons today and if I didn’t well that was up to me but as long as Mr Eden was all ok about it then well she didn’t have any objections I suppose because she wanted to keep me happy and knew what a tough time I was having at school still and how low I’d been only a couple of months previous to this .So yeah as soon as I got into school I went straight down to Mr Eden’s office and I had to wait a little while for him as he briefly came down and saw me sitting there and explained how he had to go and teach but should be back around 10am and would talk to me then but was more than happy for me to sit in his office or out in the support area until he returned at 10

When Mr Eden returned at 10am we had a chat about what was going on and why I hadn’t wanted to come into school which took pretty much up until break and Mr Eden asked me to go back to talk with him again after break and decide what I was going to do about today and how we should approach it and that kind of thing which I agreed was a good idea and went and sat in the support area where I spent all my breaks and lunch times purely because I felt safer in there knowing that everyone who sat in there was sitting in there for similar kinds of reasons to my own and yeah anyway after break I returned to Mr Eden’s office for another chat with him where I said how I didn’t want to go to lessons at all today which he obviously asked why and understood why I chose not to and said he would see how I was feeling after lunch whether I wanted to go to lesson for the last two hours or if I still wanted to stay in his office within the support area which was fine by me as I knew I wasn’t going into lessons today because I just couldn’t face them

After lunch Mr Eden returned from teaching and from meetings and where ever else he had been and we had another chat and decided that I would stay in the support area for the rest of the day and yeah I just sat around there doing bits and bobs such as helping clear some of their cupboards out ,reading my book and just generally chilling out and I knew then that was not ever going to be a permenment solution or answer to my problems but for today it helped

Turn Around Point ..

The turn around point came for me a good 5-6 months after actually attempting to commit suicide and in more ways than one it came both from school (surprisingly) and home but obviously the biggest place it came from was me as I had now decided why shouldn’t I be happy and I also knew I wanted to be happy and get back on my feet and that enough was enough and there was no way I was getting back to the point where I was a good few months because it is so awful being that low and being in that dark a place and feeling alone I was not going to feel this way any more I’d had enough hurt to last me a life time and now it was my time to be happy  also  the school were now more supportive(shame it took them until I was at breaking point to do it though) and were more willing to help me out however they could which was great as it was a huge help for me knowing that the school were now behind me and willing to help me through with the problems I’d had within school and you know making sure everything was ok at home and yeah also having meetings every so often with Mr Eden where I could sit and talk with him about everything that was going on inside of school and outside and having more of his help and support than ever before was great and was exactly what I needed at this moment in time .Also I was now becoming more social able whereas before I had shut myself away and isolated myself in an attempt not to get hurt any more thinking the more shut off I became the better  but obviously this wasn’t the case and yeah one of the first things I did when I realised hey I couldn’t carry on how I was an I needed to turn my life around for the better was I started to talk with my friends more and hang out in school with them and also whereas before I was never invited to anyone’s 13th birthday parties whereas everyone else in my year group was I was now slowly but surely starting to get there slowly by going out a bit more with friends and get a small social life going on .Also something the school always looked for in year 9 students was for students who would be interested in becoming what’s known as a peer mentor when they get to year 10 and a peer mentor is someone who is there to listen to other students problems when they don’t feel comfortable to go and speak to a member of staff and you as the student deal with the issue if you can an only pass it onto a member of staff if your unable to deal with it also the peer mentors can be buddies and be buddied up with vulnerable students and will work with them on a one to one basis most commonly meeting with them once a week also peer mentors get assigned a year 7 tutor group to help out in an be there if any of the students have any problems no matter how big or small they are and of course as soon as this option became available to me I instantly without hesitating took them up on this offer as I knew this was something I had to do to help others like me who may be going through a hard time and feel unable to speak to staff and I thought this would be something good for me to do as well as keeping me focused on something which I think I needed and so yeah I put my name forward for it thinking if I could help at least one student then I would be happy with that because I know I could never help everyone so 1 person would be very satisfying for me and I think had I not been in this better place I would never have even put my name down for it (obviously putting my name down didn’t mean to say I would become a peer mentor but it was a step forward)

The Road to Recovery ..

The road to recovery from my suicide attempt I’m not going to lie but it was going to take some time to get me anywhere near remotely happy and back to my normal self and I think secretly we all knew this as much as we tried to pretend give it a day or two things would be back to normal which obviously in situations like this they pretty much never are going to be the same straight away and I knew this was going to be a journey of it’s own .My family bless them for the first little while would hardly even let me out of their site or would want to know what I was doing or where I was going and constantly checking on me most likely checking I hadn’t hung myself or anything like that which I hadn’t ,Also my parents tended to want me to go with them whenever they went out and well were a lot nicer (not saying they aren’t nice anyway) but yeah they were purposely making sure not to have arguments with Morgan or anything around me and try to keep a calm an peaceful atmosphere most likely thinking I might end up going off to kill myself or something i dunno and both my parents were determined to find out what had caused me to attempt suicide and mum even took me on a shopping trip just the two of us and treated me to everything which was really nice of her and wow maybe I should try to feel down a bit more because it was defiantly cheering me up and something I could most defiantly get used to but obviously I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to keep it going just because I liked being treated to stuff because I was honestly still feeling quite numb and not myself and just desperate to feel at least a bit of normality in the slightest just anything at all to feel a bit more like myself anything at all I didn’t care I just needed something to clarify I was still here and still alive as it just felt like I was a shadow or in someone else’s body unable to have any feelings ,emotions or thoughts or anything at all and it felt like this for quite some time and it honestly felt like this numb living in someone else’s body was never ever going to end .

The Day After..

It was a long night I had no sleep whatsoever and well as you probably guessed I hadn’t killed myself although I really wanted to so badly to escape everything ,I wanted to believe that today was a new day and that things would be normal as usual but sadly well this wasn’t the case I still felt something though but I don’t know how you would describe it I suppose I felt raw ,empty I dunno it was a really weird and horrible feeling also my parents were going about their usual day getting my sister up so she could get ready for school and what not and then I realized hey why was I still sitting on my bed? I should be getting ready for school and yeah came down stairs and mum was doing that way over the top niceness thing again and said how dad was going to take Morgan(my sister) and her friend to school and then would take me in later which at first I just said ok to then when I thought about know I didn’t want that because otherwise the school would find out as he would take me in an I didn’t want that so for the first time I actually rushed an got ready for school so I could still make it in on time and then went downstairs and mum goes what you doing ? So I told her I’m going to school and she replied no you’re not your staying here with me until dad gets back and you’ll go into school later I’m going to ring the school and let them no about it so I instantly replied no I don’t want you to ring the school and I’m not going in late I’m going in now and it killed me but mum then said How do I know you’re not going to go and kill yourself and I said well you’ll just have to trust me and then walked out the house and begun walking to school on own still with that raw feeling and bumped into dad an the two girls an he asked me what I was doing so I said going to school and carried on before he could stop me  and yeah I did go straight into school and went to tutor so know one suspected anything was wrong and just sat there still feeling raw and not myself at all but I knew no matter what happened the school could not find out about it no one could find out .Every time a member of staff came in the room I kept thinking brilliant they know and are going to tell my tutor or call me out but so far so good .I then headed to science which I had Miss Gaynor for and yeah I still had that raw feeling and people were starting to notice something wasn’t right and keep asking me if I was ok which I just turned round and told them I was even though I wasn’t but there was no way this could get out and at one point I had a whole crowd of students from my class around my desk asking what was wrong and I ended up crying and looked up and my teacher Miss Gaynor just stood there and gave me a sympathetic smile so that made me instantly think great she knows about this then doesn’t she as she was the sort of teacher that if someone was crying or had a problem she would be straight over to them trying to make sure they were ok and finding out what the problem was  but seeing as she didn’t with me I assumed she knew but yeah then sent everyone back to their seats and started the lesson luckily I had stopped crying by this point and was trying to concentrate on my work but I couldn’t as I was so paranoid every time the door opened and a member of staff came in an went over to talk to Miss Gaynor or called her out of the room thinking brilliant this is game over now isn’t it but no all was fine still so I just carried on like nothing had happened and kept my head down and worked as much as I could an then the door opened for about the 5th time and this time Mrs Collins came in looked straight me and I looked her an I knew and she then spoke to Miss Gaynor and every so often looked over at me and so would Miss Gaynor and I knew then mum had done exactly what I didn’t want her to and had been in contact with the school and then I was called out by Mrs Collins and when we got out the room she goes to me was I alright so I go yeah I’m fine thinking well you know just in case it isn’t about the suicide thing  and she turned and looked at me and said you’re not are you so I go oh yeah I’m fine really and she looked at me again and said no your not are you and then my heart just sunk and I admitted no I really wasn’t ok and nearly had her in tears in the corridor which of course I didn’t mean to do and yeah we went into a little room near the support department and sat and had a chat and she explained how mum had come in and had a chat with her and Mr Eden and how she was really upset and worried about me and was sat their crying to them which again I felt completely awful about as I didn’t want my mum to have gone in the school crying and yeah she asked why it had happened and I wanted to tell her the real reason believe me I did but I dunno I just couldn’t so just blamed it all on the school changing to an academy and well I don’t know if she believed it or not in all honesty but that was all I would tell her and yeah she said how Mr Eden wanted to talk to me later which I was kinda expecting but I didn’t want to talk to him not because I didn’t like him or anything like that but purely because I knew I had let him down big time 😦 as I was supposed to go to him with anything and I didn’t so I could only imagine how hurt he would be but I agreed to talking to him and I was then allowed to return to class and walking back on my own I didn’t want to go back into class I didn’t know where I wanted to go but I didn’t want to go back in that classroom as by now the class must have known and it’s always awkward returning to a room when your late or you’ve had to leave for whatever reason but I did go back into class  and I just got a whole load of sympathetic looks so someone had obviously told them all now cheers who ever that was really wasn’t helpful

Later on I went to go and speak to Mr Eden and well his face said it all disappointment I had let him down big time and I knew that and I honest to god wish I hadn’t because I  wanted to turn to him but I just couldn’t and I didn’t know why so I knew this was going to be a hard conversation to have as I knew he obviously would want to know what had happened and why and that sort of thing and why I hadn’t spoken to him about it  and well yupp that was exactly what we had to talk about and he said how upset mum had been that morning and how he really hadn’t expected it as he thought I was happy which I had to say I wasn’t and I still blamed it on the school changing I don’t know why because that was only a small part of the issue so why couldn’t I just open up and tell him everything like I had been able to before ? but I went a little more in depth about it and he said how I should have gone to him which I honestly wished I could have but I couldn’t and yeah he wanted me to speak with Sandra Hindley as well as she had been in the little meeting mum had earlier blimey she doesn’t half get people involved does she again I agreed to talking to Sandra about it even though I still didn’t want to talk about any of it at all and just wanted to forget it and move on an act like everything was normal and it was a new day oh it certainly was a new day but all people wanted to was talk at me which didn’t help anything at all as nothing much was going on and I still had that really weird raw feeling not to mention an awful headache from where I had smashed my head the night before and crying from about 4pm- 5am

I went off to speak to Sandra and well I didn’t get too friendly a welcome from her as the first thing she said was well I hear you tried to commit suicide last night or something like that and was like hi yeah nice to see you too kinda thing and after the way she said that I knew I really didn’t want to bother with talking to her so ok I went in to talk to her but I hardly said anything to her I didn’t see the point after the way I’d been greeted plus I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it but I spoke a bit but didn’t really open up or say anything different to her that I had done to the others nor did I even tell her as much as I did to the others as was no point really to be honest

I never have told anyone the real reason for me attempting suicide but I love you guys who read my blog so I will open up fully to you all so it was a combination of things really that got me to that point. It was all the bullying I’d endured over the past 6 years now it had all become too much for me to handle and I didn’t want to keep having to face bullying any more and it just felt like there was never going to be an end to it , the school changing did also kind of play a role in it as the school never really helped me with any of my problems anyway so I’d never enjoyed school nor would I ever turn to them but especially when the school changed over into an academy and it was like one minute you were being trusted and treated like an adult the next minute your locked up inside of a school you can’t get out until a certain time when the doors would open which was ridiculous and their silly rules were no help also with all the arguments I was having with my family I hated that feeling of pushing them away and as though we couldn’t get along and it just felt like no one cared as everyone at school was bullying me and then I was coming home to get into arguments with my parents and I felt so alone as I had no where or no one to turn to so yeah it all played a role in it.Also I was having some issues with a couple of boys who were trying to pressure me into things such as having sex with them and things like that an well I’ll say this now if you have any problems no matter how big or small speak out about them don’t bottle things up because this can be the result of it

Hating School,Hating Home ..

I was really struggling with adjusting to the new academy and  everything to do with it that I hated going into school I just honestly felt like a convict and as though this wasn’t a good place to be ok I’d never liked school before but it was always just about bearable but the academy wasn’t I hated it soo much and felt so stressed out and really wasn’t coping or adjusting to it like it seemed everyone else was but I didn’t feel any need to speak out about it or talk to anyone and express these opinions because I dunno it just didn’t ever cross my mind and I’d dread having to wake up and go to school trying all the old tricks in the book to get out of going in because on top of all of this I was still being badly bullied and all I ever wanted to whilst walking to school was turn round and go back home or go an bunk off of school and then just go home around normal finishing time because I couldn’t do it I honestly couldn’t and it was a nightmare if we had been off for a half term for my parents to get me to go back in an often resulted in them having to phone the school and ringing Mr Eden to see what he could do to talk me into going into school because I just wouldn’t budge and wouldn’t go no matter what was said I’d had enough and I wouldn’t go in and I know I made my parents lives hell with this but yeah often Mr Eden would tell them to let me go in when I was ready and go straight in to see him , or to go in an go to his office and talk to him or just sit in the support area and he would talk to me as soon as he could and that  kind of thing which I will admit did get me in those school gates and yes it was hard and I’d have thought in my mind to just turn around and run as far away from the school as I could because I struggled so much with it but yeah it was hard and then well things got more complicated as I now was getting in a difficult situation as I hated school but I also hated home as well as I’d get into a lot of arguments still with my family and this was one of the last things I really needed when I was going through all this hell with school and the atmosphere at home was becoming awful and I couldn’t bare it and I was so confused as usually home was my safe haven but now I was getting in more arguments with my family and still being cyber bullied I felt I had nowhere to turn because when I was at school I wanted to be at home but when I was at home I just wanted to be in school even though I hated it soo much I just had nowhere to turn and I had no idea where to turn  I didn’t even turn to Sandra my anger management lady or Mr Eden or any of my friends or anyone because I didn’t honestly know where to turn to or who to go to because I was just so confused and it’s an awkward feeling as well and I hated feeling like it but how was I supposed to feel any better when everything was awful whether it be school an their silly rubbish an bullying or home with constant arguments and bullying either way I turned I was being bullied as well so was no escaping the bullies either anymore they had officially taken over and were invading every part of my life and I couldn’t keep fighting them off I also lost trust in my parents which I know sounds awful but I did so I wouldn’t even turn to them with any of my problems because I just felt I couldn’t and as though it’d  only result in another argument or falling out and me getting more upset and more hurt than I already was so what was I supposed to do ?

Anger Management with Sandra

So I was seeing Sandra Hindley once a week for an hour to have my anger management sessions which to start of with I was reluctant and was pretty made up in my mind that it wasn’t going to be any help to me and things would go back the same as they been in a few weeks or months after they finished so I felt there really wasn’t much point to the sessions but after doing a few of the sessions and getting to know her and things just getting on top of me I knew I needed to be a little more honest and open up a bit but I never really seemed to open up completely not because I didn’t want to this time like I had previously but I just felt I couldn’t and I was unsure why which was a right pain in the bum and yeah Sandra seemed to think I was fine and things were all hunky dory and that I was just a sweet kid and couldn’t understand why I was being given anger management but we still did the sessions any way what killed me was when she came to one of my french lessons to get me as I hadn’t been told of a time or room just I was seeing her on that particular day and yeah when she asked my tutor who was also my french teacher in our french lesson if she could borrow me one of the boys turned round and goes omg is she having anger management and then I just horrified someone had found out turned to my tutor thinking omg help what do I honestly do and we both just looked at each other like was this really happening? so not knowing what else to do I just quickly turned round and denied it and as quick as I could gathered my stuff up and hurried out of the room before anyone else could pick up on it or whatever and it was hard knowing that others were now starting to work something out which sucked because I knew I needed this help but I needed it to be private at the time between me ,my parents and who ever I was working with at the time .Usually after seeing Sandra Mr Eden would want to have a chat to see how it had all gone and just to generally catch up with me as seeing as I hadn’t appointed a member of staff to be my mentor we kind of both agreed that Mr Eden should do it and yeah things were starting to look more positive and I seemed to still not be coping but I was getting there slowly and coping more and finding things to cling onto such as the speed stacking group,the year  6 group and even actually seeing Sandra for my anger management sessions and knowing I could talk to her and I did start to eventually over time open up more to her or she would find ways of not asking me what was bothering me but like doing it in another way such as she made me write people’s names who had hurt me recently and then scribble then out as if to get rid of them and asking me things which I thought were quite stupid like what did my anger look like was it a BIG red monster which I just went along with and went yeah seeing as that’s how most people describe their anger and I didn’t actually know how I saw my anger I mean I knew I got angry and very very quickly but I didn’t know why nor could I ever feel myself getting angry it just happened and I didn’t know until it was way too late .I suppose thinking about it now I saw my anger to not be a good thing obviously as I knew it was wrong and I knew how much it had affected my family it’d even put strain on my parents marriage that they nearly got a divorce over it (thankfully they didn’t) , my dad would go out for a drive crying and ending up sitting in grave yards just crying I suppose because if he did his crying there it looked as though he was grieving for the loss of someone but looking at it now he was grieving for a loss he was grieving for the loss of his daughter (the girl I used to be) but at the same time I know this sounds bad I saw anger as a good thing in a way as it got all my frustration and anger and all my emotions and everything I’d kept bottled up out all in one go so it was kind of neutral thing with it was neither red nor green .Also in the sessions we were trying to work out and identify  my triggers which I still had no idea what they were my anger just happened and I couldn’t do anything about it as I didn’t realise until it was too late and there was nothing I could do so obviously we tried to figure it out to stop it from happening and learning techniques to show when I might be getting angry so I could stop myself and so on so things were looking really positive and on the up side of life at last

Year 6 Support Group

So I soon found out unexpectedly another of Mr Eden’s plans to help me get some confidence and self belief and I suppose a bit of life in me and to give me something to believe in, something to cling onto that would help me keep going was that he now wanted me to help him out with the vulnerable year 6’s who would be coming up for extra visits so they could get used to the school and so they wouldn’t be as vulnerable when they came up to start in year 7 and yeah Mr Eden sprung it on me out of the blue but of course I said I would help him out once he explained some more about what this support group would do and how we as in himself,Me, Mrs Collins and a few other members of staff would be there to help and do whatever we could to help them to settle in and feel comfortable with the school I mean I was happy to help but why me ? why not someone who was in a better and stronger place? but either way he had asked me to do this and well in honesty I only agreed to doing it as I knew I would get out some of my lessons which would mean I would be away from the bullies and I would be doing something different and trying to do something not only to help these year 6’s but also for myself to help myself get to a stronger place and hopefully a happier one .I was a bit reluctant  to get involved to start with until prompted  by Mr Eden to things like offering them all a drink and a biscuit and getting those of them who didn’t have chairs a chair to sit on and small little things like this to try to build myself up a bit and to I dunno get something back into me plus by doing this it meant that Mr Eden could keep an eye on me and make sure I was ok and I suppose this was a safe haven for me as I knew I couldn’t be hurt whilst I was doing this I was away from my peers and age group but I’ll admit it took a lot of time to get me feeling ok enough to want to actually help the year 6’s I think what made me want to do help them was the fact that I knew Mr Eden was believing in me and I knew I didn’t want to let him down as I wanted to make him proud and also because once I started helping out with the support group I kinda realized these were people who were in  similar situations to me and then I felt ok to be there for them and I did get some real sweeties in the group want to talk to me and yeah it was sweet to have others relying on me and it made me feel like their was a slight importance to me and I was doing something right for once and yeah we went on a lot of trips together such as bowling ,Colchester zoo, to parks , and various other places and it was great to be able to bond with these year 6’s who were in quite similar situations to me and I did start enjoying doing the support group and it was something that I could look forward to coming into school for once a week

Year 9

Well things hadn’t gone too great last year well in fact not well at all and I’d faced a lot of issues and problems which I knew I needed to address ,sort out and deal with and I was actually glad to see that year go so I could start the next chapter of my school life of becoming a year 9 and I just hoped that this year would be so much better and that I would finally not have to put up with too many problems or too many bullies although I wasn’t now saying I hoped I wouldn’t be bullied not because I was enjoying being bullied or anything like that but just purely because I knew it would happen again and I’d just have to find a way or  anything I could possible to get through it and get around it instead I hoped it would be a lot more subtle and minimal than what it had been this year but then again who was I honestly trying to kid as I think I knew exactly what was going to happen in this year but just didn’t want to have to actually admit it to myself I mean I really have no idea on who I was attempting to kid with it but oh well anyway this was now going to be a new chapter something I could look forward to and actually put my past behind me or would it ?

Moulsham Grange ..

Things were getting bad again at home with me as I was now starting to come home a lot more often from school and taking everything out on my parents and younger sister Morgan my mum and Morgan especially which I couldn’t see any other way of trying to deal with it but dealing with it in this way , this was my way of coping behind closed doors where the bullies couldn’t see me and how weak they had and were still making me day by day I knew if they saw this side of me I’d only be picked on further and who is going to want that anyway I mean I was not in the strongest places already and I didn’t know how much more I could or would be able to take of the bullying as now it wasn’t just at home it was now happening more often over the internet and MSN from various other people in my year group .Obviously the fact I was coming home and breaking down showing the real hurt,upset,angry,frustrated,tired me wasn’t fair on mum,dad , Morgan or anyone else who got the end of it and now it wasn’t just me in need of help it was all of us and so yet again it was back out to the services to see if they could or how they could help which hurt me a lot as I hated these things like this and knowing they most likely were secretly sitting there judging me on what I had done and the way I was which completely wasn’t fair I mean I wasn’t doing it purposely to be a horrible child or anything like that because I actually loved my parents and family more than anything else .These places and people never seemed to know my story or know me but instead turn and judge or at least how that’s how it all felt

Anyway without telling me as my parents knew I would refuse to go or turn up or whatever else they dumped my sister off on a friend for the day before being in that extra nice over the top mind frame type thing like I mentioned in the mysterious guest blog about Alison Mulqueen and yeah said we were going somewhere (brilliant knew what was happening by this point ) The whole journey I kept hoping please let something happen so we don’t go whether that be we can’t find it, the car breaks down or we turn up late and turned away anything to save me having to go through this yet again I absolutely detest these places I can’t bare them I hate it .Anyway we did unfortunately end up getting there and mum had to sign us in an what not and yeah we were watched doing this by Doctor Matazara or something like that :S and yeah that was kinda intimidating and then was led upstairs into another room and left us in there for a little while not more than a minute and then came back and whisked mum and dad off into another room whilst I was left sitting there feeling really anxious and horrible as I usually do before these things and just wanting us to be able to go back home already because I hated knowing mum and dad were in a completely different room to me talking to some doctor talking about me eventually a lady came and led me through into another room and there was another lady already sitting in the room and a chair opposite their chairs and I was instructed to go and take a seat  and I just sat there so nervous, so worried, fearful , frightened , scared, unsure etc and was asked questions like do you know why your here which I was like erm yes so they go to me ok so why are you here and I said about how like I wasn’t good at home and stuff like that just trying to avoid the actual reason as I didn’t feel I needed help and I was scared to trust complete strangers who I didn’t know or anything about them and they didn’t know me or a thing about me and I was expected to sit there and just tell them everything they wanted to know but why should I didn’t know them how did I know I could really trust them ? it was more off-putting as there was a camera in the room so I kept panicking thinking to myself what if they’re filming me and thinking about how many people would really be on the roll of film in that camera and yeah that freaked me out a bit if I’m perfectly honest and yeah they were asking things like did I think I was bad? , did I think my parents thought I was naughty and bad which well I guessed they did for sending me to a place like this I mean what parent would think there kid was good to be having to put them through this (oh and of course I was told all of what I said was confidential and would stay between us three in the room) eventually it was taken away from questioning and interrogating  me and onto game like things but I wasn’t stupid I knew what they were doing they were assessing me the whole time thinking play some little games like saying one line of a story each and then seeing what I said and how that could be linking in with my behavior at home that kinda thing and then seeing how I would respond to certain situations like if I had gone out with my friends to McDonald’s and then couldn’t afford the food what would be the best thing to do would I call my parents to help, offer to wash up and help out in the store etc  but the whole time I was sitting there I was soo nervous I actually pulled a button off of my cardigan I was wearing because I knew I couldn’t give the game away to them and yeah eventually the ordeal was over and I was sent back to the little waiting room thing to wait and mum and dad then came back and started asking me about what I had done so just said playing games and stuff like that which mum didn’t sound to impressed or happy about and then the doctor came in the room and called mum and dad out and I went to go with them but was told to wait where I was and she sent some woman in to play connect 4 with me whilst I waited for my parents it then clicked what was going on they were most likely telling mum and dad what I had said and done an that kind of thing and well they did as when mum and dad came back out an into the room mum looked like she was going to cry and gave me a massive hug and said how she and dad didn’t think I was naughty or a bad child which well there you go obviously they had told them everything I’d said which I knew would happen hence why I have an issue going to this sorts of places as I know they are just going to lie and say hey everything will stay between us to trick you into telling them what they want and then feeding it back