Overnight Osia

5.52am – a new nurse has just come in and asked if I’ve passed urine, as they’ll now fit a catheter. I tell her I have, but literally only just and how i’m not sure my bladder is fully empty,  understandably my belly is still rather sore. The female nurse who has been on overnight asked, “What on your own? You shouldn’t have done that. ” I know I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know what else to do. The pain was getting  too intense, I say pain ,it wasn’t really pain. I was just extremely uncomfortable and felt my bladder was going to burst – ok, fine, I was in pain, I guess is how others would describe it.  All under my belly button, my right side even up to the tops of my ribs felt knotted, sharp intense stabbing and twisting feeling, doubled over, ready waiting to burst open.

I couldn’t locate the call button as it wasn’t on the bed where it had previously been, I assume it must have fallen off or been tidied away,  if it had i couldn’t bend / reach to retrieve it,(I couldn’t see it though) nor could I see anyone about to ask for help and I didn’t exactly want to call out or shout as everyone was still asleep. I wasn’t going to wake everyone up, nor did I even know if anyone was nearby that could help,so I didn’t want to be pointlessly shouting or calling out for help if the nurses were all up the other end of the corridor or helping other patients. I’d only seen two all night- the male nurse who was allocated to me and a female nurse.

I  wasn’t supposed to get out of bed alone and was still super lightheaded, so I didn’t want to be walking around the ward aimlessly trying to locate someone either. I didn’t really have many options. I thought at least if I attempted to get to the bathroom it was directly opposite from my bed, lots of things I could grab onto if I needed and I also knew worst case scenario there is an emergency pull cord in the toilet. It seemed my only and safest option.

I’ve tried to go off to sleep, I’m not sure if I’ve got much, if any. Although I’ve passed two full large bowls full to the brim with urine,I still don’t feel fully empty and the uncomfortableness, very much lingers although it has drastically reduced, it  is now just under my belly button and my right side. My ribs are crying out aching , probably not helped by lack of sleep, too.

7.30am – The pain in my belly has returned and is intensifying again.  I slowly, carefully, make my way to the toilet opposite. Again, it’s an absolute battle to pass anything, but after around 5 minutes, I manage to, again, it’s with a lot of effort and pushing/ squeezing to go. A bit like a toddler or child looking for any excuse to either not go to bed or for an excuse to repetitively get out of bed, squeezing any tiny little drop out. Again, I pass blood not as much as last time admittedly.

I take five to hold onto the door rail as my head still is a little off, could be where I’ve not eaten anything substantial since Sunday night,  as I skipped breakfast yesterday and only managed half a sandwich last night. I’ve been given some painkillers to take, half for now, half for with breakfast, I hope I’ve got it the right way round..

8am– morning staff have arrived.- Well, I assume so as there’s an increase in chatter, and the ward lights are beginning to come on. I was just about to go off to sleep, I think better of it though, knowing if I’m right and this is a shift swap, my allocated nurse will be in soon to introduce themselves after handover. I decide I’ll wait for this before going off to sleep,otherwise, I’ll only be woken anyway.

8.30am– A familiar looking nurse comes to introduce herself , it’s Bimala!! (she was my nurse for my BAHA implant at the old building in 2014) . Bimala  tells me my breakfast is on the tray. I had forgotten all about the breakfast I  had ordered (toast, apple juice , a banana and apparently a cup of tea- I don’t even drink tea- ok I do but , very, very rarely and it’s mostly herbal when I do) Bimala  instantly begins signing as well as speaking to me, which was super helpful and lovely .it definitely caught me off guard, but it is always lovely when people take time to learn a little sign,as it really does make a difference,  especially as I had a slight mishap with my hearing aid and the water jug last night.. I still am yet to check if it’s working.. I’m dreading it. My gut feeling is it’s gone to hearing aid heaven

Once Bimala had done my observations and finished seeing me,I again forgot about my breakfast and decided I’m just going to try to get some sleep. I assume the ward round will start around 10 a.m., and I’ll probably see Joe around then, too. Whenever I’ve stayed in hospital, ward rounds tend to be anything from 10am-1pm . I tell myself I’ll speak to Joe and the ward round doctors about the bladder retention and ask about some ringing I’ve heard throughout the night , just to keep them in the loop and to get some advice or reassurance.

I get comfortable, and I close my eyes. As I do so, I’m fairly certain I can hear Joe’s familiar voice. No, I’m sure it’s not. It must be someone else.  Staff change over has just happened. I’m sure it’s just staff changing over tricking me as I’m listening on hyper alert. I close my eyes and begin drifting off to sleep.

I can still hear lots of voices but it’s fine it’s just a staff change over and the ward waking up. I close my eyes again but open them again within seconds ,I’m sure I can hear a familiar voice, I’m sure it’s Joe and in sure if it is heks voice is getting nearer ( then again I have no sound location so he could be nowhere near me, if it even is Joe) I close my eyes again .

A minute or two later, I stir bleary eyed to my cubicle curtains moving, I vaguely see Bimala, I assume she’s just come to check one of the monitors and shut my eyes again, thinking I’m probably safe to sleep while she does so, I can hear that voice again. I’m 99% sure it’s Joe. Seconds later, I realise it is indeed Joe as I spot him following Bimala into my cubicle. I twist to my right just in case he’s not coming to see me and is actually just talking to Bimala, though I’m sure he is coming to see me. He is. I awkwardly manoeuvre myself off of my left side and onto my back ,sitting up slightly so that I’m able to see him and lip read.

Joe comes in ,says Morning, and asks how I’m feeling. ” Yeah, not too bad,”  i say, pushing myself up the bed a little more. Joe tells me how he came yesterday, but I was too sleepy. I don’t recall him coming to see me, to be honest.

Last, I remember seeing Joe was in the anaesthetic room just before I went under ,the final words I fell asleep to were his kind words of reassurance , ” We’re going to take great care of you,” which was super lovely. Especially as I’m doing this operation totally Solo, with my parents and daughter back home in Essex, it meant that little bit more. I have a lot of trust issues in people, but Joe is one of those I fully trust. I know I’m safe and in good hands with him.

Joe explains that all went really well, and according to plan yesterday, which is great.Makes a change for it to go according to plan. I’m told it’s going to feel like I’ve had a bit of a bump ,as my skin is already super stretched from ear reconstruction and previous surgery and even once healed it could look and feel more prominent due to this.  The transducer ( magnet) has had to be placed on top of the muscle ,as opposed to under it as the muscle is super thin due to previous surgeries. Joe sits on the bed so I can lipread and hesr him better and asks if I got much sleep (I haven’t as of yet had any, I couldn’t hardly say no I was just going to sleep when you came in) so I say I’ve had a little bit.

Joe tells me he’s not on ward round today, he just wanted to pop in to see how I was doing, given the fact I was ” a little sleepy” when he came to see me yesterday (in other word’s absolutely out of it, away with the fairies, a mess and in no fit state for a conversation)  how lovely though  is that, that he has come into work early to check on me before starting his working day?! Again, this means more time away from his wife and two young children.

  Joe asks If I have any questions,  no I don’t think so I stupidly say. Joe tells me I probably won’t see him for a little while now.  My next lot of appointments will be audiology,  so he’s unsure when he will see me next, which is a bit of a shame as Joe is so lovely and I always feel at such ease with Joe and our appointments, it’s the way he adapts, ensuring he’s facing me, that I can lip read him, physically coming and getting me from the waiting room. Generally, being a nice smiley, empathetic, caring, and understanding person.

Joe explains that the doctors will come and see me on their ward round and explain everything in term’s of my discharge and remove the bandage. A  few seconds to a minute later, Joe changes his mind and asks, “Shall we take it off now? Joe asks me if we can do it now. Im happy with this and assume he means he will get Bimala to do it now. Joe never fails to surprise me. He  takes off his suit jacket and grabs a pair of gloves. Joe asks myself and Bimala if we’re happy for him to do it. There are no objections here. Secretly, I’m pleased Joe is doing it. This is what I mean , get yourself a good consultant/ surgeon like this who wants to be part of your care and get stuck in.  

Joe pops on his gloves and slowly and carefully begins unravelling the bandaging. I can’t lie. I’m pleased Joe removed it. It just somehow feels more personal. Joe says he is happy with how it’s all looking, then realises he’s talking on my deaf side, apologises, and moves repeating what he’s just said. Happy surgeon, happy patient. If Joe’s happy with how it’s looking, then Im certainly happy. Joe reminds me that I need  to keep the area clean and dry,  and tells me he will arrange for me to see Haddy next week.

Joe asks if I saw the videos he directed me to. I absolutely have, they’re amazing (He makes videos on social media – such as Instagram and tiktok about various procedures, deaf awareness and other important topics and information, which are super handy, they’re full of great advice, tips awareness, and knowledge. If you like me, have listening fatigue or if you just need to hear that information again or  want to share with family members, etc, then his videos are perfect. (His account is @earsurgeonjoe, or just type in Joe Manjaly, and his account will pop up)

Joe tells me how he hopes others see me as an inspiration 🥹. I’m absolutely not an inspiration, far from. I think this is definitely a nod, that he’s seen my social media too ,or maybe even my blog. Which means a lot coming from him. If you have, then thank you. This means a lot, although I’m not the inspirational one. Joe, however, absolutely 💯 is.

Within a few minutes of Joe leaving ,  the two ward round doctors come and ask how I’m feeling and take a look. ” it’s healing really well, isn’t it?” says the young female doctor…. errmm.. It’s the other side I correct her (she’s looking at my left ear, which has tape on to cover up two of  my piercings) . This doesn’t bode well.. Good job. I’ve already seen Joe..

I’m asked if I got much sleep, a little I say yeah, it’s noisy, isn’t it in hospitals, the young female doctor replied.. awkward silence. I’m deaf. it’s anything but noisy for me, well apart from some constant ringing kind of sound that I’ve heard since last night it’s actually been relatively quiet, I just haven’t slept because of my bladder. I think as well where I didn’t go down to theatre until maybe 5.30-6pm roughly. I, of course, was asleep for the operation and don’t recall much until mum told me it was 8.45pm . I think this and possibly the caffinated coffee with a few sugars I’d had, had thrown things off sleep wise. Safe to say I think my sleep schedule is a bit out the window.

9am– a different, very quietly spoken nurse comes and hands me my discharge paperwork. I mean, this is good, but woah .hold on .Everyone’s come all at once, and I’m only just sort of with it this morning.

I was just dosing off when Joe came in. I haven’t even asked about the light headedness, The constant ringing I’m hearing ( it could be equipment here, though) I just want to check it’s not me, and seek advice on  what to do about my bladder retention if I need to do anything. Or if I just need to keep just pushing and forcing it out. Dr. Google says it could take a few weeks! I hope not. Honestly, my labour didn’t take that long and wasn’t as uncomfortable.

9.10am – I order lunch, as I think it’s best to do so, by the time I feel with it enough to get up, ready and I feel OK enough in myself to go home, and dad leaves to get here,  as he will have to come directly to the hospital to get me ,so it could take a good 2.5+ hours.  I read through my discharge paperwork just to see if that has any of the missing answers.

I know. I know I need to get better at advocating for myself. Why haven’t I said anything to Joe – who I feel most comfortable with?  I know he will help me. Even the other two doctors (not sure who they were, they didn’t really introduce themselves and it was a flying visit) or even Bimala or the other nurse whose name I didn’t catch.

I do, however, pick up in the discharge letter something about it having been explained of no water or strenuous activities. This hasn’t been mentioned. Joe wasn’t actually on ward round. He just popped in to see me before starting clinics ,as He had come to see me yesterday, but I was ” too sleepy” as he put it.  It was a nicer way of saying I was absolutely out of it, away with fairies and a mess essentially.  I assume it’s the usual routine, and I may have to take it easier with my toddler. Well, more so, her with me!

9.19am– my mum and daughter video call me. This was super lovely. My daughter was so excited to see me blowing lots of kisses and asking, ” Mummy coming back?” “Mummy come back, Nanna house?” I think it’s safe to say she’s missed mummy. I know I’ve missed her, although I can’t lie it’s kind of, as awful as it may sound , it’s been nice to have a little break from her to recharge. Last week, she was poorly, and then she’s been full on toddler mode , not listening,  lots of I want, and showing off. It’s been hard work emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is the first time I’ve ever left her this long. I’ve never left her overnight before either,so it’s safe to say I worried how she would be. It  sounds like she had a whale of a time at nursery making decorating biscuits,  having a cheeky cuddle in Nanna’s bed this morning.

Ultimately, I made the decision to proceed with this operation for her. She’s been the one keeping me going recently . I want to be the best version of myself for her. She deserves it. She deserves much better. It’s tough being away from her, Ultimately though whether this works or not, I know I’ve made the right choice to try. You never know what’s possible until you try, it’s what we tell our children “try your best” so as a parent I too have to live by this, I can’t expect my daughter to try if I don’t. I don’t want her to see when things get tough, give up, and quit, not without a fight and exhausting all options or alternative avenues

I think this call was needed to reroot me, to appreciate the little things, because it really is the little things that make the big things

9:30am– I finish the call with my mum and daughter and await staff to finish cleaning the bathroom before going to get washed and dressed.

9.45am– the bathroom is clean and free so I go freshen up and get myself dressed. The bladder pains are starting to creep in again, I’m still not getting urges as such but I’m taking this as a sign to try.i can’t lie the urine is still a challenge but each time I am able to pass urine it’s getting slightly easier, though I’m still passing a little blood each time.

10.30 am – I’ve had some painkillers now. I think this is my 3rd lot now, and I’m slowly starting to feel a little steadier and more confident on my feet. I’m also able to sit up for longer periods of time without feeling too heady or the need to rest my head back. I contact Mum and tell her I’m ready when dad is. I’m told they’re out food shopping, but as soon as they’re back, he will head off to get me. I sit replying to messages (I didn’t expect any or many messages checking in ,asking how I am, so that was really lovely)

11.51am– mum texts to let me know dad has just left and is now on his way and that he will text me when he’s parked at the tube station before getting the tubes across to me . My observations are taken by one of the health care assistants (HCA). Everything comes back as normal.

1pm – lunch comes round, I had ordered cheese and tomato pasta . I can’t lie. I didn’t fancy this or anything, really, but I know I need to eat something. So far, I’ve not eaten much – half a ham sandwich about 9.15pm last night after coning round from the anesthetic that made me feel a bit sicky and just turned my stomach- unsure if that’s due to the anesthetic or just the length of time since I last ate (7.30/8pm the previous evening) . A few nibbles of toast this morning – once Bimala, Joe and the ward round doctors had done their visits and checks it was cold and had lost its appeal (its fine though I’m not usually much of a breakfast person anyway and I wasn’t feeling hungry) I knew I needed to try and eat something substantial, and I know pasta is carbs and calories, but equally wasnt a full meal like some of the other options of curry and rice, or fish fingers,chips and peas etc.

Can’t lie it was a massive struggle despite it also being a small portion, possibly around the amount I’d give my 2.5 year old. I’m not complaining by any means as I was really struggling with it, I just had no appetite. I did, however, force myself to eat and finish it. The ice cream, however, went down rather nicely, so that’s a positive – and increases in calcium and fluids, too.

Once I’ve finished lunch I go back to reading and doing some BSL word searches, I love a word search and I love BSL so I thought why not combine the two, it was actually much more tricky and I defintely had to use my brain a bit.. so I wasn’t perhaps as sharp or quick as usual with completing it, but hey, it might wake up some more of my brain, especially now I know I do actually have one!

One of the HCA’s comes and does my observations. Where I’ve just had a coffee and the thermometer has to go under my tongue, its coming back high, she grabs a different machine and places it under my arm instead, this one doesn’t pick up any reading. She tries again, holding it in place, ensuring kts in position correctly. It is, again, no rwsdingcso she goes to find another machine. This one too also doesn’t want to give a reading. We try a few times nothing. We go back to the under the tongue, and we get an accurate reading. My blood pressure ,oxygen levels, and pulse are also fine.

2pm– I’m sitting chilling out, still awaiting dad’s arrival. He phoned a short while ago saying he was at the tube station and just parking the car, so he would be about an hour- an hour and a half. The tea trolley has just come round so I’ve had a cup of coffee.I was offered a packet of biscuits, but to honest I’m not a massive biscuit fan and I don’t have any appetite yet, however I asked for the bourbons as I know a little girl who will love them if I don’t manage them. I didn’t manage to eat them, but they went into my bag for a certain little person. Even in the hospital, I’m still thinking of my baby… Once your mummy, that’s it your world changes. They are your world. I sit continuing on with my word search, hoping dads got an umbrella with him . It sounds absolutely torrential outside, I’m the furthest bed away from the window, I’ve only recently noticed the windows I can’t say I could see the rain but it sounds super loud, it must be coming down pretty heavy.

2.30pm– I’m offered some pain killers, I’m not in pain, just light headed and my belly is still sore from the retention,I’m guessing that’s probably pretty normal given how long my poor bladder was beyond full capacity for. I decide to accept as I know I’ve still got to travel home yet, and I’m unsure how I’ll feel ,especially so on the tubes- they’re not exactly the quietest or most gentle, especially given I’ve no idea how long its going to take getting home as its taken dad quite some time. I can still very loudly hear the rain pouring it doesn’t sound nice out at all. It sounds like the sort of rain you step out in for all of a second and your drenched, soaked right through. I’m not looking forward to going home in this.

Bimala agrees it’s probably the most sensible idea to take painkillers and be dosed up to get home. It’s better to be safe than sorry. I’m given two paracetamol and a dihydrocodeine tablet. I then go back to attempting my word search ,I’m not getting very far with it.. I’m definitely blaming the anaesthetic as opposed to myself 🤣.

3pm– Dad phones and says he is at the hospital and will see me in a few minutes. The rain is still incredibly loud, lashing down.

3.20pm – dad phones and asks where I am. He’s in the hospital, but I’m not here. I definitely am. I tell him all I know is the hospital building I’m in, level 1, short stay ward.. Turns out my dad is on critical care ward, which is why he can’t find me… I’m definitely not in critical care. Turns out there’s another patient with a very similar name her name is Emily Harvey , and she even has the exact same date of birth as me ,including the same year! This is exactly why hospital staff check, double check, and triple check names and ID bands.

3.25pm – dad arrives on the ward, and Bimala does her final check that I’m OK to go home and ensures I have everything, and then I’m free to go. I ask dad if it’s still raining and if he has an umbrella, he doesn’t have an umbrella. I panic, great I can’t get my head wet. Dad tells me it’s not raining and hasn’t been raining. It’s chilly buy sunny out, huh ? That’s strange. It definitely has been. I can hear it.

We leave the hospital, and I expect to see the pavement soaking wet – it’s not. It’s bone dry. It doesn’t make sense. We stop off to get a bite to eat as in dad’s words, ” You must be starving.” I’m not. I can’t particularly say I even feel hungry . We stop off at Gregg’s, and dad chooses himself some kind of pastry,bake thing. I opt for a bakewell but I pop it into my bag, again I’m not really a cake person but these are my favourite and I’m hoping it may entice my appetite back. We then head for tube and dad tells me to sit down, its only one stop but I’m not arguing, I can’t lie so far this is the most I’ve walked and I’m still a little uneasy on my feet- though of course I don’t say so. it’s probably the safest idea to sit.

We arrive and jump off the tube, heading for our connecting tube. I’ve come over very hot. I’m still not 100% on my feet , I partly panic in the hot underground tube station. Am i going to be ok? Am I going to faint or pass out? I frantically start fanning myself with the folder of paperwork and documents I’ve been given by the hospital. It certainly comes in handy, as does grabbing a seat and sitting down while waiting for the tube.

The tube pulls in and we get on, typically there’s no seats so it looks like I’m standing and clinging on for dear life, usually it wouldn’t phase me but with this wave of warmth hitting and not being 1000% on my feet, its not the best combination. It’s not exactly a warm day. Everyone else is in thick coats,scarves, and hats whilst I’m in a thin shirt and cardigan. Thankfully dad has no idea of what’s going on,but he spots a spare seat between two people and indicates towards it for me to sit down I hate being that person ,but I feel I need to. I take the seat nobody bats an eyelid ,nor are they bothered, so why do I always get so worried about doing so ?

What feels like hours later,though dad is adamant, it goes super quick. we arrive at our final stop ,get off the tube, and head to the car. I’m feeling much cooler than I was ,although still a little warm. Dad keeps asking if I’m tired,I’m not. He begs to differ like a small child who you can quite clearly see is on the brink of sleep but resisting. I’m not that, but equally I’m not duracell Bunny. Just a happy placid middle ground.

It doesn’t take too long into the journey before dad’s driving me crazy. Perhaps I am tired after all , or perhaps he’s just deliberately trying to wind me up. Who knows. There’s a lot of very out of tune singing. His singing isn’t great anyway, but everything feels heightened more so than usual. Otherwise, I’m feeling fine. Part way home, I attempted to facetime my daughter. It wasn’t overall successful as I couldn’t hear a word she or my mum were saying besides my daughter asking repetitively, ” Mummy, coming home soon.” Mummy, you come back ?” ” Mummy, when you come back, miss yeww. That broke me. I couldn’t wait to cuddle her. This is the longest we’ve ever been away from each other . Once she was quite satisfied, Mummy was coming home and was in grandads car she decided to leave me on the kitchen floor and walk off to play. I know when I’m wanted 🤣. My mum called after her asking, “Are you talking to Mummy? ” No, I go now, byeee mummy,” she shouted . OK, that’s me told call over with.

We arrived back af my parents just after 5pm my daughter is very pleased to see me, she comes running to the door throwing herself into my arms and giving me the biggest Cuddle ” my Mummy you back” “Mummy ok” ” doctor fix poorly ear?” I fought back tears,I can’t lie. We sat like you see in the films cuddling for ages on the doorstep. A proper emotional , pull on the heart strings reunion on both parts. Being a single parent is tough St times,but moments like these are so special and make it all worth it. I’m all she knows,I’m all she has. She’s all I have. We’re a little team, me and her, mummy and daughter . She really is the reason I’ve kept going lately. Without that little girl, I’d be nothing.

It’s quickly decided due to the time I will stay the night at my parents, as time is pushing on for my daughters bedtime . It doesn’t seem right to go pack up everything, load the car, drive home (it’s literally a matter of minutes) unload everything, unsettle my daughter and then get her ready for bed, especially with nursery in the morning. Despite my parents’ best efforts . I refuse to allow them to do my daughters bedtime routine, and I set about doing it. Told you I really don’t rest or stop. I’m go ,go, go. I just can’t do it. My daughter runs around squealing in delight. ” Is she always this loud?” I comment. ” Yes, my mum replies, you can’t hear already? Surely they’ve not turned it on already, have they? (Meaning the osia implant) No, it hasn’t been activated yet. Everything, for some reason, just sounds so super loud,overwhelming, and distorting. It’s massive sound overload, I’m not sure ifvthsts because the hospital was so quiet, maybe? Or maybe it’s a side effect of the anaesthetic ? Or maybe a miracle cure to my deafness?! OK, yeah, perhaps not that lady kne.

Once my daughter is in bed, I get changed and watch the Great British Bake Off Final with my parents. I’m not really watching or focusing though as I can’t follow it,as they don’t use subtitles on their TV as ” it’s too annoying”, ” it’s too distracting” ” how do I supposed to know where to look”. I always find channel 4 to be much quieter than any other channel too, its certainly much more difficult to follow.

I talked mum into eating a whole chocolate bar (don’t ask 🤣) sat up for a bit before going up to bed. I must admit it took me a while to get comfortable I found sleeping in a more upright position with extra pillows,a bit like I had in hospital to be the way forward ,although I still didn’t go off until the early hours of the morning. I just began dosing off at arpund 1/2am and my daughter woke for a wee an wanting to get into bed with me. Usually I’m all for her sharing my bed but tonight I didn’t think that such a freak move,especially as my parents only have a single bed for me to sleep in, I knew chances were I’d wake to her on my head ,it wasn’t worth the risk. I reassured and reminded her mummy was still here, I wasn’t going anywhere, ad she had a little wobble about needing / wanting me. I reminded her mummy had a “poorly jead” and showed her the dressing “oh yeah mummy ouchie” “Mummy no go hospital, mummy stay here”. I reassured hervmummy was home and I’d be here when she woke up. I thikk she was part of expecting me to go back to the hospital in the night and not be here when she woke up. We spent a little time talking through her feelings. They are, of course, very valid, and this is all new for her. She has every right to feel how she feels about it all and to need support to process and work through it. I’ve always vowed to be honest and open with her. Understanding and language are key. The younger the better, as it promotes normality and will help her realise everyone is different and mummy’s deafness isn’t a bad thing.

Operation Osia

Today is the day.. we made it!! It’s Osia surgery day!!

I’m excited and not one bit nervous, to be honest. it’s going to be hard to leave my baby, but I know in the long run it’s all for the best, with her best interests at heart. I have to do this to be the best mummy I possibly can be.

It took me a while to go off last night, as you will see from my previous blog. Not due to nerves or anything , just I watched a full 5 part series with my parents last night that didn’t finish until 11.30ish. By the time I got ready for bed and stopped getting distracted by my phone, it was the early hours of this morning.

I woke at 5.20am , I believe (it’s on the previous blog) again, not nervous or anything, more the fear of sleeping through my numerous alarms. In typical me style, once I’m awake, I’m up. End of story. I laid trying to at least get some rest. If not, sleep.

I checked my phone again 5.30am , I knew I wasn’t going back off now. My first alarm was due to go off in a mere 30 minutes. I was right. I didn’t, I actually got caught on my phone by my little one, ” What you doing?” shh, go back to sleep. it’s still bedtime, I soothed. “Mummy, what you doing?” busted. I had woken her up , she’s like me once she’s up … she’s up. She’s certainly her mothers daughter.

I laid there for 30 minutes trying to get her to go back off. The reality was I knew she wouldn’t. She asked to get in with me, promising to go back off, but I knew I would be getting up just as she would be falling asleep. It wasn’t worth it. Quietly, I snuck out of the room to have a shower, hoping she may go back off.

Not even a minute into my shower, in she burst – well mum did, saying my daughter needed a wee, so I had a shower with double the audience I usually would. What a treat!

I spent a little longer than usual in the shower just soaking in that extra hot shower whilst knowing my daughter was being attended to, plus not knowing when exactly I would be able to have my next hot shower (I’ve no idea on the facilities in the hospital) I followed this up with my favourite Mallows Beauty– gingerbread body butter. It smells divine. Us gingers have to stay true to ourselves and our heritage, you know.

I got ready as usual , doing my usual skin care routine before getting dressed and applying a little makeup. yes, I know makeup isn’t allowed for surgery, but I’m not brave or confident enough to step out the front door without it on. Of course, I will take it off later at the hospital, though. Honestly I look pale as a milk bottle, when I used to go to secondary school without makeup ,I would forever be asked if I was ill or if I was OK because I’m that pale I look ill. What can I say? I’m a redhead. It’s part of the territory.

Once ready, I packed and repacked my bags numerous times, ensuring I had everything. I have no idea if I’m in for one or two nights. Originally it was a same day thing with the possibility of a one night stay, however when the letter came through it stated expected length of stay : ” we expect you to be with us for one or more nights” .Most mum’s when they leave their babies overnight for the first time, head to spas, weekends away. Yeah, not me, just a one ,possibly two night stay in hotel a’ la NHS.

Once my bags were definitely ready, I headed downstairs to grab a glass of water, took my vitamins, and spent a little time with my daughter . As per her instructions, we sat colouring in, in the new colouring book I bought her to distract her while I’m away. Ironically, she chose a monkey holding an x-ray for us to colour. I was instructed that I was only allowed to do the monkeys nose and the x-ray board, with very specific colours . She did, however, later on instruct me to colour its face and feet (ill add that’s after the below photo, I’ve practised colouring in the lines) whilst she did the lion – that she argued was a tiger for far longer than I care to admit.

8:30am – it was time to give my baby a cuddle ,kiss, and say bye to her. It was hard, and I certainly soaked up that Cuddle as long as I could (though she was more concerned about wanting to get in the bath) . I know priorities, right! She did, however, decide she could wait long enough to wave at me from the window before going for her bath.

9:00am The car journey has been alright so far. I’ve signed along to shakin Stevens Merry Christmas Everyone on the radio. I’ve had the “it’s not December yet” debate with dad. I’m team Christmas, he’s team ..well .. not… Grinch- admittedly, his birthday is Christmas Eve, which is why he doesn’t like Christmas.

9:32am – dad dropped me off at one of the tube stations to complete the final leg of the journey alone. From here on im flying it solo until I’m discharged home from hospital (another first) usually mum comes with me, but with me knowing I’m staying in ,there’s no point somebody coming only to havevtovtravel back later, then return again in a day or two to collect me., plus mum is having my daughter for me who has nursery etc to attend, and my dad is working, albeit from home to be about for my daughter and me. There is nobody else that could come with me,plus even if there was not worth it as they’d only have to leave later anyway as they can’t stay overnight . This didn’t phase me in the slightest, to be honest.

9:42am I boarded the first of two tubes for 52 minutes approx to the hospital. It is eerily quiet. Until we got just past Stratford.

10.15am I got off the second tube and walked the 15 minutes to the hospital.

10.30am I arrive at the hospital. It’s very quiet , weirdly quiet. I go to main reception and there is a queue of 5 people waiting. There’s 8 desks, but only one person working, the lady at the front of the queue says she’s very slow.

10.45am I reach the front of the queue and speak to the receptionist who has her mask on , while trying to speak to me excellent…. she points towards the lifts and points downwards. I follow where she’s pointed and press for downwards on the lift. The first 3 lifts are all going up. I’ve got 15 minutes to get checked in.I hope it’s quiet in surgical reception…I don’t want this getting cancelled.

10.52am – after speaking to surgical reception I’m pointed towards the waiting area and told my bed isn’t currently ready, and to await a nurse to call me. I dart to the toilet I’m absolutely bursting.

10.55am i take a seat in the surgical waiting area.

11.00am a nurse comes into the waiting area and calls two names, I can’t make out either name, she’s ever so quiet, and there’s nobody talking , one lady is laying down falling asleep, two ladies are sat next to me filling out forms, there’s a lady sitting opposite me and a man sitting in the corner of the opposite side of the room. The nurse calls the names again, I don’t hear the first name, but I catch “vey.” she calls again.. Harvey, well, that’s my surname, but is that me or the man sitting opposite? Or someone else with the same surname or sounding name? Neither of us moves. MAY she calls, May Harvey. I ask, do you mean Bethan? Yes, she says. It’s a repeat of March..

Myself and the other lady follow the nurse back to reception and through to the ward. Nobody says anything it’s so eerily quiet. Seriously, why? I get everyone’s having surgery, but why so quiet?

11.10am I’m shown to my bed, and I’m handed a urine sample pot to test for pregnancy…. typical. I should have remembered and held it for another few minutes more as I now can’t go for one. There are two men opposite me and the lady who came through when I did is in the bed next to me, again nobody is talking… well, despite the man directly opposite me who is talking to the nurse.

11:20am – I’ve realised why it’s so quiet, bright spark Bethan had forgotten she didn’t have her hearing aid in .. I quickly put it in ,although admittedly, I can’t make sense of anything . Everything is a jumble of sound, so I replace the tubing and the dome in case of a blockage, slight difference, but nothing major it’s still very distorted and jumbled. I decide to leave it hooked over my ear turned on but leave the ear piece out until someone comes to speak to me. Otherwise, I’m just going to enjoy this near silence and read my book…well, if I can keep my bleary tired eyes awake anyway.

12.16. Wow, I’m in high demand now. I’ve just seen the nurse who has completed my admission paperwork, whilst she was with me, my anaesthetist was waiting to come in to talk to me . The anesthetist (i think her name is Katie) she said she’s read all my notes and can see I’m a bit of a pro when it comes to surgery, she’s not far wrong there. We discussed all the usual formalities of them, placing a cannula and breathing tube. Went over all the risks and was told I’m a nice ,easy, straightforward case.Katie left, and the nurse came back asking me to do a urine sample to check that I was not pregnant. ABSOLUTELY NO chance of that one , if there then it was an immaculate conception, or the baby has been in there for around 3 years is all I can say! ,what a struggle that was to catch urine. It’s safe to say I didn’t win that game.. sports never has been my forte though , add in the dyspraxia I can’t catch to save my life..

Somehow, I managed to fill the pot enough… as well as covering myself! I then returned back to my bed ( after scrubbing urine off of myself). The nurse checked my blood pressure and temperature .I’m asked if I’m sure I defintely dont have a heart condition , somethings come back high (I don’t catch what, but I confirm I don’t have a heart condition, well not that I’m aware of) before being told to remove my piercings and jewellery and place them in a urine sample pot (a clean one ,not the one I had just weed in) and taped over two of my piercings I can’t remove ( daith and upper cartilage both on my left of course)

I was told I could wear my hearing aid to theatre, I’m not sure if they will remove it and place it in again after or if I will need to remove it before I go down. I was then instructed to get changed into my gown and told to remove my underwear ( I’ve never removed it, I’ll remove my bra due to the wire but I’m not removing my knickers or wearing paper ones) I’m told to place all of my clothes into clear bags provided, essentially a giant zip lock freezer bag and my shoes into what I guess resembles a green food waste bag. I’m told my belongings will then be taken to the ward when I’m transferred after the operation, and once in recovery, they’ll phone mum as my next of kin to update her.

After successfully (I hope) putting my gown on and tying it ( first time I’ve tied it myself, there’s a first for everything right! There’s a lot of firsts this operation) I put on my fetching stockings while doing so, Leg in the air, back exposed through said gown (usually I’m provided with two, one to wear correctly and one to wear as a coat/ backwards to maintain modesty and dignity) I turn around to find a nurse standing right behind me. are you alright?” She asks. Yes I think so ,I say still in shock and not quite sure what’s going on and why the nurse has a delightful view of my naked ,exposed back half of my body, plus not much left to the imagination at the front either, with my gown rolled up, placing my stockings up over my knees.. It turns out someone had pressed their call button, but mine had lit up instead! I mean, why not… Good job. I lost all remaining dignity and modesty during childbirth, isn’t it . The poor nurse, however, probably needs therapy now. She only had to ask if she wanted to see my best side. Noted BEST, not Backside.

Once I’ve finally got the stockings on without a surprise audience ,I hear a familiar voice. It takes me a while to figure out why the voice is familiar and whoae voice it is. Not helped by the fsct. All the curtains are closed, so I don’t have any visual support. I figured it out. I can hear my consultant/ surgeon, Joe Manjaly. Where is he? I’m not sure, I have no sound location, so he could be anywhere. It’s super disorientating. Again, it was not helped as all the curtains have been pulled . I decided it best not to start updating on here or reading my book as I suspect he will be coming to see me soon.

I was right ,a few minutes or so later, there he is! Joe came in and said, ” Well, today’s the day, then next step in the journey,” and how he’s excited for me and excited to be a part of it. I mean, come on, can you find a better consultant in adult services like this?! I’ll bet a £1,000 you can’t ( i won’t bet that much because I don’t actually have anywhere near that sum of money, but you get the point)

Joe discussed the surgery again and introduced me to his reigstrar Killian, whom I’ve not met before (I’m pretty sure that’s his name). Joe was ,as always, super lovely and smiley. It’s one of many things I like about him. We had a rough look at where the implant would go. It was quite interesting to go see the real thing that’s being implanted.Joe placed the implant roughly where he’s thinking of placing it and got me to have a feel of where it is to make sure I’m happy with the placement- I partly wish I’d asked Joe or Killian to take a photo of being held roughly in place, so I could see it. Honestly, he could place it anywhere I’d be happy.

I know this is my final chance. Joe explains he’s got to place the implant further away than usual, due to my reconstruction as in his words, rightly so of course “Mr Bulstrode won’t be very happy with me if I damage his ear” he absolutely wouldn’t that is for sure. Honestly, I’ve hit the jackpot with Mr Bulstrode at Great Ormond Street Hospital up until my early 20s to then Joe Manjaly now (we won’t mention the consultant between these jackpot duo)

Joe asks if I’m staying in tonight, which I confirm I am, which he’s pleased about. I’m told I’m having a haircut. Who would’ve thought it hey surgeon, consultant, mentor and hairdresser, is there anything he can’t do?! Some of my hair will be shaved (absolutely fine been there done that one many a time, it’s fine I can rock a half bald or partly bald head) he will make a C shape incision to place the implant and stitch up with dissolvable stitches, topped with a sticky pad (let’s hope this one behaves unlike the one in March) then a full head bandage ,which will stay in place until tomorrow.

I’m asked who has my daughter today , I say how she’s with my parents, and Joe asks if they are local to me in hospital today. They’re not they’re back at home, and my daughter is at nursery. Joe very kindly says how he and his team will take the best care of me. I absolutely believe this. He’s been phenomenal this far. I couldn’t be in better hands with him, or of course Mr Bulstrode ,this is one of the many reasons I don’t have any questions because the pair of them always put me at so much ease.

Morning surgeries are still in progress, so there could be a bit of waiting to do,I’m told if I’m offered a cup of water to take it. It’s a good job. I am staying the night.

13.28 ,I haven’t heard anything else hospital wise, but I know my daughter has had a lovely time at nursery and has eaten the biscuit she’s made and decorated within seconds of coming out of nursery Why doesn’t that surprise me?!

14.00– no update as of yet, besides a spectacular fail on my part.. I’ve just come back from the toilet, where I looked in the full-length mirror at my gown tying skills (lack of is more appropriate) To realise I had made a right pigs dinner of it. You would think I’d never done it before. Safe to say the quality was that of ,I may as well be walking around completely starkers. It wasn’t doing anything for me. Most of me was exposed, even with my efforts of holding it all together.

Don’t panic. I redid it, thanks to the mirror. You will be pleased to know, there is now absolutely nothing on show, well ever so slightly if I walk/ move but I’m certainly not needing to hang onto it for dear life. I’m also 99.99% sure Joe has either seen my Instagram or tiktok, I’m guessing most likely my Instagram, just based off some comments from earlier,as I posted a video recently of my ear journey, ending saying next part of the journey Osia surgery with todays date written on it. unless, of course, it’s pure fluke and a coincidence, or Neil Bulstrode has said something, Either way, it doesn’t bother me if he has seen it 🙂 I go back to reading my book.

16.04– a nurse has just popped her head round to ask if I’m OK. I’m absolutely fine, just reading away. I’m glad I packed two books, though, as I think I may be needing the second one. She apologises for the long wait, “it’s fine, don’t worry, these things happen,” I reply. A second nurse, literally seconds after ,even though she had over heard the other nurse came and repeated near on the same thing ” sorry for the long wait won’t be long now” again its totally fine. I know things happen, and if it were me in the theatre ,I would want the correct care and treatment. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone rushing , especially for the sake of knowing others are waiting.

16.27– a male nurse has just walked in on me, thinking I had pressed the call button. Like earlier, the ceiling light alerting staff had gone off above my bed. Thankfully I wasn’t in such a weird position, instead this time I was laying on my left side reading my book, so facing the gap of curtain on my cubicle, facing the corridor door where I can see surgical staff walking about.

17.oo– a nurse has just come and apologised for the long wait. ” it’s OK, don’t worry, these happen,I reply. I know personally that if that was me in the theatre, I would want the correct care and attention. I wouldn’t want it being rushed for any reason ,especially if it’s just because others are waiting. Seconds later, a second nurse who had overheard the first nurse apologised for the delay and said it wouldn’t be much longer now. I return to my book.

I read for maybe 30 more minutes. It feels like some time . The next thing I know, an anaesthetist has come to talk to me. I can’t remember his name, im fairly certain he was Spanish, so we will call him Lorenzo. saying they will be ready for me soon. Within a matter of seconds, he changes his mind and asks me to jump up while he sorts the trolley/ bed that I’m on. He retidies the bed before asking me to undo the top of my gown – just the first tie.

I’m then asked to get back on the bed and asked to lay down, my final belongings are bagged up , and heart monitors are placed on my chest, along with an orange puppy mat/sheet looking blanket thing . I’m told the orange puppy pad/ blanket will keep me warm during the operation. A blue standard NHS blanket is then placed on top of me ,and I’m wheeled to the anaesthetic room, literally out of the doors. We come to a nurses’ station, and my belongings are handed over, Lorenzo says he’s not sure the bag will seel. One of the nurses does it in one attempt.. clearly just needed a woman’s touch we laugh. Im wheeled backwards through another set of double doors to the left of the nurses station. Lorenzo is trying to talk to me,but I’m struggling as he’s behind me, so I can’t lipread.

I realise that once we go through the other set of double doors, that im in the anaesthetic room . I’m greeted by a different anaesthetist to whom I saw earlier this afternoon. I struggle to hear her due to her having to wear a mask and being either stood on my right (deaf side) or behind me- not herfault, just the lay out of the room. We get chatting, and I’m told my hands are cold, and she’s struggling to find a vein, this isn’t anything unusual in terms of viens. Quite often, they like to hide. A tourniquet is placed while a blood pressure cuff is added to my remaining free arm and a pulse reader on the other.

The anesthetist decides to go for a vein in my right arm , as she can see a shadow of this one, I’m told she prefers to do it in the hand, but she doesn’t trust the slight shadow of tiny veins she can see and feels she will have more success with my arm instead. We size down a cannula, and this is placed into my arm. She apologises for doing it in my arm. Honestly, it doesn’t matter or bother me. She tells me that she will ensure this arm is kept straight throughout the operation.

Usually, with previous anesthetistics, I’ve had the anti sickness syringed into the cannula, then the propofol (white anaesthetic). Instead , medicine and technology have advanced. We’re in 2023 now. The anti sickness and propofol are set up in a syringe driver so the antisickness is automatically syringed into the cannula in my arm.

Lorenzo finds me a pot and asks me to remove my hearing aid now before connecting the oxygen mask and places this over my nose and mouth. (Again this is new to me, usually I have antisickness, propofol and then when that’s finished I’m given oxygen) I can’t lie the oxygen mask is actually always the bit I don’t like. I don’t know why, not sure if it’s a claustrophobic thing or what it is. I know mum always said as a baby they always gave anaesthetic through the mask, and I always apparently hated it and fought it off, so who knows, maybe it’s related? … but it’s fine. I, of course, don’t fight it off ,I understand why it is needed, though i do have the urge at one point to push it off, well not off, but move it as it’s a bit close to my eye. I don’t, though. A few minutes later, the propofol starts.

I spot the theatre double doors swing open. I spy Joe,who has come in and begins chatting and apologises for the delay and says how I must be starving , strangely, im not,i think I’ve got past the point of hunger now . It’s honestly no problem, though. Things happen.

I find it super helpful having Joe standing there, as it means I can focus on him and lip read, as opposed to a game of tennis tooing and frowing from side to side to keep up with what the anesthetists are saying. Joe promises me they will take good care of me. I know he will. I truly believe that. I can’t say I ever remember a consultant/ surgeon being in the anaesthetic room. It means a lot, though. Joe truly has been there every step of the way today. I can’t fault him. Though I feel guilty, he’s missing story and bedtime with his kids to be here with me this evening.

The female anaesthetist begins massaging my arm as the propofol can cause the arm to ache as it goes in. It doesn’t seem to take long before things get a little woozey. As I look about the room, I can still see Joe standing waiting for me . I’m calm and relaxed. I focus on Joe , the female anaesthetist telling me about her 2.5 year old and reminding me to take big deep breaths and to go to my happy place now and to have a nice sleep. I’m definitely feeling the effect, but I’m not quite there yet. I

I continue focusing on Joe as he’s the only one I can see and lip read. Joe speaks slowly and calmly. ” Don’t worry, I’m going to take very good care of you.” I’m not feeling worried, and I absolutely know he will look after me. OK, I reply. I can feel myself creeping nearer. ” I’m going to take very good care of you.” I thank Joe ,all goes quiet, he repeats this one final time, and with that, my eyes close, and I drift off.

The next thing I know, I can hear someone loudly calling my name. I bolt up right , like when you’ve fallen asleep watching a film and someone nudges you awake.Yeah, I say as I spring upright from my laying down positon. I forget where I am and suspect im in anaesthetic still, and I’ve fallen asleep, and someone’s trying to get my attention. I quickly realise where I am as I sit forward, I can feel the breathing tube being pulled out. That’s an expirence. Usually, I’m out of it and don’t recall or have any memory of this. I remember looking down and seeing the tube. It’s an odd sensation. I can vaguely make out people standing both sides of the bed and end of the bed, but I can’t see them. Essentially, I can see shadows and outlines of them. I lay back down, putting my head back against the bed while the breathing tube is being removed. I don’t recall it fully being removed.

The next thing I know on a few occasions I’m sitting up with a start to my name being called, a bit like if you’re daydreaming in class an the teacher catches you.

I’m told they can’t get hold of Mum to update her. Do I want them to phone my boyfriend next…if I wasn’t already, I’m awake now ! I don’t have a boyfriend but alarm bells ring, this is David! The sperm donor!! Absolutely no way do I want him phoned ,I don’t want him knowing anything to do with me, where I am or how I’m doing. Safe to say, I ask he be swiftly removed removed.

8.45pm– I speak to Mum on the phone. I’m feeling absolutely fine .Mum says, “Oh wow, you sound as bright as a Button.” I feel fine. I manage a cup of water, a cup of coffee, and take my time nibbling half a ham sandwich before I realise I can’t stomach it and feel a little sick. Mum tells me that they have told her I’ve been “a very good girl and I’m doing well, do I know how it went” I don’t, I’ve not seen Joe and nobody as of yet has updated me,I assume Joe will come round shortly to update me, if he’s not back in theatre or gone home for the day. I’m told my daughter is absolutely fine and went to bed without any issues. That’s a relief ,I can’t lie. I was worried how she would be at bedtime. I feel a little sad I didn’t get the chance to say goodnight to her, as 5pm she would have been eating dinner, then everything happened so quickly, however I’m just pleased she’s OK and has behaved herself.

9.15pm I get off the phone to mum, the nurse looking after me is so lovely, she’s definitely very motherly and has taken me under her wing. I ask how everything has gone, and I’m told Joe had already come to see me . I have no recollection of that’ , whoops must have still been a bit away with the fairies then. It’s nice though to know that he has been here to see me, although I dread what state I was, when he saw me

9.30pm –ish maybe (I don’t know, I’ve lost all track of time) I’m transferred to the ward. The porter has a mask on, and I can’t hear or understand him. He lowers his mask and apologises, explaining he has a bit of a cough, so he has to wear it and how he wishes they made clear ones ,saying how much easier it would be. I thank the nearby nurses and staff as I’m wheeled to the ward. it’s in the lift that I see for the first time my head bandage, its not as big as I thought and all things considered I don’t think I look too awful. Once at the ward, I’m asked to step from one bed to the other. Im told to take my time, and I’m supported by the nurse who has taken me under her wing to stand and move across. Head rush much, but I do it. I’m told if I need the toilet I’m to ask,I’m not to get up on my own. At least not the first time. The nurse asks if I need a wee now and offers to help me before she returns to recovery,I would have loved her help, but I don’t need a wee yet.

I sent Mum this photo after arriving on the ward to reassure her I’m OK

After this, everything is 11pm. It’s as though my phone time has stood still every time I look at it, thinking hours have passed, it’s still 11pm , I’m not sure if it’s the anaesthetic talking.

I take some painkillers when offered as although I’m not in pain as such, my “little ear” is starting to ache/ throb a little. I realise I can’t lift or lower my head beyond a certain point. I’m stuck. I still don’t need a wee either ,I can’t get comfy, and I can’t sleep. I’m definitely feeling a little dizzy and light headed anytime I move,or attempt to sit up.

This is currently the highest and lowest I can go. It’s not very high or low, just a happy medium level, I guess 🤣

00.00– My allocated nurse- I don’t catch his name, comes over, and asks me if I need a wee yet. I tell him I still have no feeling or urge to wee. I’m told I have to try, I’m happy to, but he says no more about this. I’ve been told that if I can’t pass urine/ feel the need to go by 1am, they will have to fit a catheter.

00:31– I’m downing the jug of water like no tomorrow. in the process of still not being able to sit up fully, I’ve managed to spill water all over the tray and my hearing aid.. excellent.. I dread to think ,if my hearing aid even works now, I can’t even reach it to rescue it from the pool of water its laying in. I should have buzzed for help, but it seemed such a minor thing to inconvenience them with. I still have no urge to pass urine. I’m hoping it’s not going to come to needing catheter, but at the moment, it’s looking like I might.

1:29am– Still no wee, no urge, ,no sleep or catheter.

1:58am– as above

2:25am– still as above and nothing new to report.

2:40am– A female nurse has came to do a bladder scan as instructed by my allocated nurse. I’m instructed to lift my gown up and pull my knickers down slightly, cold gel is applied and the ultrasound is set up. I can’t lie it’s pretty comfortable as she presses on my stomach and bladder.

My bladder is at 675ml. It’s as full, as full can be. The nurse asked if my stomach felt uncomfortable. It does a little. She walked me to the toilet as I refused the offer of a bedpan,been there done that before,i don’t fancy that unless a last resort. I’m feeling lightheaded/ giddy and still a bit woah headrush, but the nurse holds firmly onto me, I’m not going anywhere. Im safe we walk slowly across to the toilet. It’s directly opposite my bed . I’m helped to pull my knickers down and sat on the toilet. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared so much about paper knickers, as my knickers have been out a lot anyway. I’m helped onto the toilet,I sit there.. nothing ,the nurse tells me she will sit outside the door. She checks in a few times, nothing .

2:45am – the nurse comes back into the toilet and runs the tap to help, still nothing.

2.50 am I still can’t go for a wee. I’m really trying to push down hard, like child birth, minus the noises. I can’t pee, so it’s a slow walk back to bed for me. I’m not sure what they’re going to do now, I’m guessing the nurse is going to update my allocated nurse, and they’ll fit a catheter.

3:12am– I still can’t pee, and I’m rather uncomfortable. The nurse allocated to me has just come to see me and has said to keep drinking water, he fetches a new jug of water. I’m told that if I still haven’t managed to pass anything by 5am, they may need to think about passing a catheter. I’m not quite so opposed to the idea anymore, but I’d still prefer it doesn’t come to that ,we shall see if they say it’s needed. I’m not refusing.

3:30am – half three, Where’s my pee?! I genuinely think my belly is more uncomfortable than my head at the moment. Good job, us redheads are made of hardy stuff, hey, and that I have a high pain tolerance.

4:17am This is really ,really uncomfortable now (belly). I can feel it up to the top of my right ribs, and it’s making me feel sick. I’ve no way of getting help as I can’t locate the call button anymore. It was on the bed next to me when I last saw it. I can’t sit fully upright on my own either to look for it..

4:23am – I’m doing lots of deep breathing and reminding myself I gave birth to an 8lb 4oz baby on no pain relief ,I can do this too.

4:58am– this is getting really intense now. Hopefully, it will not be much longer until I can get some help. Curling in a ball and raising the head of the bed isn’t doing much now. Sitting bolt up right is more comfortable, but then my head doesn’t feel comfortable to do this. Joe, the admission team, the theatre team, and everyone in recovery absolutely so far have stayed true to their word of taking very good care of me. ward wise.. not so much..

5:03am– I’m really hoping someone’s coming to help any minute ,I feel I could be sick if this goes on much longer. The pain by my ribs is intensifying,I’m worried I’ll end up with a kidney infection if it goes on much longer.

5:30am – this is so intense. I’ve taken matters into my own hands. I’m not supposed to get out of bed on my own, but this honestly is on par, if not more so than labour with my daughter( early stages) .. I’ve walked myself very precariously, hanging onto anything and everything to get to the toilet. It’s taken me a good 10 minutes or more to do it. Thankfully, it’s not far to go. It’s directly opposite me. That was so, so intense. I made it to the bathroom, and I’m unsure how . It seems like a miracle, I feel like im going to pass out or fall off the toilet. I sit gripping onto the rails on either side for dear life. I know, worst case scenario, there’s an emergency cord I can pull if I do fall off, but ideally, I don’t want to fall off, as I’ll go head first.. not ideal given the surgery I’ve had. I sit for a good while, but nothing is happening.

Doubled over in pain. fists clenched together. I pushed my fists tight, hard into my belly, repetitively while still doubled over. I somehow by some miracle see wee, it hurts, it vurns, like my body is stopping me from doing this. I push against my body, its coning, its painful, but it’s happening trickle by trickle. Slowly, it increases ,there’s lots of it!! This is nowhere my maximum level of pain, but I’m in a fair amount of pain. I’m passing some blood, too. I fill one of the big urine bowls. I stand feeling dizzy, wiping away blood. I pace the bathroom, still not feeling fully empty. A few minutes later, i place a new bowl into the toilet and try again. Again, it takes a lot of tiny trickles.

I suspect I may still potentially need a catheter to be fully empty. Finally, I manage to fill two full-size whacking great bowls full, then a few other little bits. It’s taken me a good 20 minutes. I then needed to cling on for dear life to get off of the toilet and back, but I’ve weed.

I’ve never been so happy to see wee. Honestly, bladder retention or childbirth, I’m picking childbirth any day ! (I only wee into the bowls as I was told when I do go it needs to be checked and measured to make sure my bladder is fully empty and to check the urine,I guess because of how long it’s been sitting in there to check for infection or any other reasons as to why.

I’m sitting waiting for the urge to pee or help to do so.

Still smiling. Still going strong.

24 hours to go..

To be precise, it’s actually 15 hours and 20 minutes to go until my admission time. Honestly, I think if it goes ahead, it is going to barely just by the skin of my teeth.

I’ve spent this morning blitzing my flat ensuring all the washing, tumble drying is done, the washing is put away, bathroom cleaned, kitchen cleaned, toys put a way, old unwanted clothes taken to the local clothes bank, bins and recycling have gone out, beds stripped ,washed and remade, parcels posted out – minus two (one is in the loft and I was in too much of a rush to get to my parents for a roast to get up there, and the other I didn’t see until already at my parents after having already returned home twice for either items that I’d sold that were being collected or forgotten items ( good job my parents only live a few minutes drive away)

I wasn’t going back again, especially with a lot of traffic issues due to lots of road works, although I absolutely could have used another trip home for another few forgotten items ( water bottle as the cheap plastic one I grabbed – the lid has broken so its leaking- no Idea why I didn’t just grab my trusty Tiddlers and Nippers bottle and a few other bits that I’ve already yet again forgotten what they are)

Today, I shouted, full-on shouted at my daughter. I never usually lose my cool like that, but the past 3 days of constant ” I want, I want” , demand after demand, tantrums galore, “no mummy”, huffy, turning her back arms folded, not listening has really taken its toll. I snapped, and big time. To the point I’ve spent most of the early afternoon with no voice, probably a good 2.5-3hrs . It’s recovered now but still not fully ,but heaps better than it was. Safe to say not my finest hour and certainly not one I’m proud of. It’s also fair to say that for a considerable amount of today, I’ve let my parents (mostly mum) deal with her behaviour.

Mums first words when I walked in ” What’s the matter with you, You look peed off?” Followed by.” Oh, you haven’t got a cold of you?” No, I quickly reassured her, though I know she wasn’t convinced. I assure you I don’t, though. I think as the day went on and my voice returned and my parents saw said behaviours they realised and believed me.

That said, it’s now 6:43pm, and my nose is starting to tickle, feel snuffly, and run a little.. oh, it better not.. I’m praying it doesn’t come to anything. Admittedly, it’s only the left nostril, which has blocked on and off the last day or two, so I’m kind of hoping it’s the blockage passing, and then all will be fine. I have had a panic Google, where I’ve read surgery can go ahead if you have a mild runny nose with no other cold symptoms such as temperature, cough or swollen tonsils- none of which thankfully apply. I’ve been at my ear like a crazy lady this past week with the thermometer and starring in the mirror with my phone light checking my throat and tonsils, I’ve just been paranoid since my daughter got ill.

There’s been a lot of multivitamins and precautions this week.

I’ve not come this far and dodged all the bullets of nursery bugs and my child’s high temperatures, cough, and runny nose that she had from Sunday- Thursday to get ill now. I’ve taken every precaution. Even as far as isolating at home all week since Monday lunchtime, after collecting my daughter from nursery, with the exception of Choir Thursday night- I probably shouldn’t have but honestly i needed the break from a whiging ,clingy ,poorly little one. I even kept my daughter off the remainder of her nursery week to protect us both.

From Tuesday onwards, I don’t care. My body can throw at me what it likes, but it just needs to hold it together until then.

22:40– My nose is much less tickly but is randomly blocking, and unblocking on the left right side is so far so good. My voice has also finally fully returned .. note to self don’t have kids ( I’m kidding of course I love her more than anything ) more to the point don’t loose my cool with a mini version of myself, who probably has so many big emotions and feelings going round her tiny head about tomorrow and the changes in routines and normality.

22:57– the itch is back. I sincerely hope this isn’t a cold brewing and that tomorrow goes ahead.. I swear this is going to be right down to the nail if this happens tomorrow.. I’m still holding out some hope, but I can’t lie. I don’t know. I’m wavering.

23.45– I’ve just got myself ready for bed and taken a couple of preventative measures (lemsip , vicks vaporub on my feet – with socks, and the calpol vapour plug is on) fingers crossed. Already by the time I got upstairs before doing any of this the left side of my nose had unblocked again ( don’t panic yes I’m absolutely allowed to take paracetamol at any point up until the op. I’m aiming to dose up in the morning, and then hopefully, I’ll be OK for the surgery. Honestly, I don’t feel unwell, so I’m hoping nothing comes of it. I’m hoping it’s just stress related where I’ve been panicking about getting unwell since my daughter did last week.

23:52– I’m going to get some sleep now ill keep you posted.

00.01 – OK now I’ve updated again further up the blog,I really am going to bed now. At this rate with all the sleepness nights of my little one being unwell last weekend- Thursday and all the promises of ” I’m going to bed early tonight” I’ve promised myself since at least Thursday night ,I won’t need the anaesthetic tomorrow , I will be falling asleep on my own.

00:38 – OK, ok now I really am going to bed .. its not that I can’t sleep I just haven’t tried yet as I got distracted by my phone then realised I haven’t set the count down on Instagram (GOSHgurl95 if you wanted to drop me a follow) now that’s done,I really am putting my phone down and getting some sleep 10 hours to go until admission time. Still no idea what time I’m getting up, but somewhere between 6-7am as I want to shower, and I still need to take the nail varnish off my toes and put the last minute bits in my bag. I’m also still unsure of the plan tomorrow, well, technically today. Dad’s driving, but I’ve no idea if he’s driving me all the way to the hospital in London, a tube station. I’m guessing not just our local train station if he’s said we will set of off at 8.30am, although I sense getting out of our town will take 30+ minutes alone with school rush hour and all the traffic/ road work. It’s now 00:44am, so I’m really heading to bed now.

4:36am – I’m awake again, I’ve tossed and turned a few times now . Safe to say I can’t sleep. Not out of nerves, more ” have I slept through my alarm” and definitely more excitement than anything. The left side of my nose is unblocked , not as strong as my right, but it’s strong. Just over 6 hours until admission time! I hope today goes as quickly as yesterday felt and that it won’t be long until it’s time to get up and ready. Right l suppose I had better try get some more sleep , my first alarm is due at 6am, followed by 6.30am and 7am. Though at this moment in time, I doubt I’ll need any of them, and I’m definitely feeling 7am is too late.

5:20am – guess who’s tired, but is still awake…yes, you guessed it. I’m wondering if it’s worth trying to go back to sleep when my first alarm is due to go off in a mere 30 minutes (it’s currently 5:24 am as I’m typing this. OK, correction 5:25am. I need a wee, but I really don’t want to wake my daughter walking on the creaky floorboards, opening the heavy wood door, or attempting to undo the baby/ stair gate in the dark . It’s currently 5:27am

5:52 am – I’m still awake, but I have been able to get a little rest . I think the fact I’m still needing a wee and I know my first alarm is imminent is keeping me awake. Trying to sleep on a full bladder isn’t comfy. Oh, typically, guess what? My left nostr has unblocked, and my right nostril is blocked 🙈 still feel absolutely fine though, just tired.

6:01 am– Busted….I’ve woken ny daughter using my phone ” what are you doing” shhh go back to sleep it’s still bedtime I’ve said ” what you doing comes the reply before ” I’m waking up now” typical as usually she doesn’t wake until 7.30 earliest. It’s now a game of skill to some how get her back to sleep and slip out the room myself….yes I’m typing this with my phone light turned right down low while hiding under the duvet using just my right thumb

Hope’s for Osia..

Wow, we’re literally days away from the osia surgery now. Literally 48 hours away. This last week has been something. Honestly, I don’t quite think I’m going to believe it’s happening until I’m actually taken to theatre.

There’s been a lot of calpol, neurofen, brown inhalers, blue inhalers, vapour plugs, vapour baths, sleepless nights, stress, worry and lots of fruits and vegetables ( that’s standard in my house anyway to be fair ,but I’ve really Ramped it up a level or 2)

Tonight I’m spending my last evening at home – so I’m currently having a relaxing pamper evening – hot bath (finally .. every evening this week I’ve had no hot water, I don’t even) , body scrub, moisturisers, face pack, hair masks and possibly some kettle chips crisps (I’m more of a crisp girl than chocolate, but who knows I may be a little naughty and raid my daughters chocolate stash- mines non existent currently) – that’s if I actually get my wrinkly prune looking skin out of the bath anytime tonight, I’m definitely making the most of having hot water)

Tomorrow I head my parents (standard Sunday really) but I will be staying over ready to travel to London for my operation Monday morning. Seems so surreal saying that. I think tomorrow it will hit me that we’re within touching distance of it happening.

I’m feeling good about the surgery, to be honest. Not remotely worried. My daughter is happy that Nanna and Grandad will be taking her to nursery and collecting her, she knows mummy will be in hospital (we’ve had lots of chats about it- although she’s still not overally happy that mummy won’t be there at bedtime – I think this is when it will hit her the most ,as well as first thing in the morning) I’m happy she’s happy to be honest. I know my mum has lots of fun things planned to keep her mind off of it.

The last few days or so possibly a little longer, I’ve been thinking about what exactly my hopes are for Osia? What am I really hoping it will bring me?

My hopes for the osia,  or what I hope it will give to my life if all is successful, I hope the osia will give me access to sounds,  new and old- whether that be hearing my door for the first ever time, hearing lyrics to songs I’ve lost or hearing my daughter and being able to understand her, recently she doesn’t sound anywhere near clear or understandable- causing a lot of frustration on both parts . Is it me? Has my hearing got worse? Is it her? Is she tired ? Am I pronouncing my words correctly for her to learn the speech pattern? Is it the dummy that she has at bedtime? Either way, I want to hear my little girl loud and clear. I miss her little voice.

Confidence within myself because that’s been lacking since I don’t even know when. I’ve massively been feeling the insecurity ,self-doubt, and anxious for a good 18 months or so, pretty much since I realised the things I can no longer hear or access anymore . There’s a lot of this shown on my tiktok and possibly a little insight on here too of what’s going on in my mind right now, the isolation and withdrawal I’m feeling.

I want to feel a part of something, like I belong and fit in somewhere, not needing to constantly rely on others, for example the Hands 4 Voices Annual Show on Sunday- during the break between the two shows I didn’t realise everyone had gone quiet and I was still chatting to one of the other ladies, until she notified me that Carol our choir leader was opening her card and gift we had got her. I couldn’t hear Carol speaking. Kelly, the lovely lady from choir who I had been speaking to, turned to me asking, ” Can you hear her?” No, I responded, shaking my head. Kelly used both BSL and speech, so I knew what was happening. Yet all 50-55 other members could hear her.

The start of the second show I had to switch places with the lady on my right because I had no guide of when to turn back, when having to at times turn fully to the left, so I was essentially having to count and rely on myself to turn at the right time – as I had nothing but the stage curtain to my right and I had very little view of the person in front to know I was in time. I also couldn’t see Carol to ensure my timing was correct. Nobody else had to do this.

I had several members ask me how I had found the first show and if I could hear the music – this was, of course, super kind ,as was Kelly and Nicola – nobody made it an issue . I couldn’t hear all of the lyrics or music to keep my timing correctly. The first show I was a mess. Second show success (well, much more successful anyway)

A new lease of life, I guess, relating back to confidence but to do things I want without fear, worry, or judgement . To just be me and be proud of that, wear what I want to wear, walk the walk I want to do. EssentiallyI want to hold my head high and be a better version of myself.

I hope that it makes me a better mummy ,that I can respond better and quicker to my daughter, that I can relax more with her when out and about on our own, well not too much as there’s far too many dangerous people out there these days unfortunately. Sad world we live in, really.

If it isn’t successful? I hope it gives me closure knowing I tried everything and that it’s OK it didn’t work . I hope I will know I did my best and gave it my all.

Right now, I really must get out of this bath, I’ve been in here just over an hour and 20 minutes, and the water is rather chilly now 🥶

Embarrassing Deafness

Honestly, I really am starting to believe I’m embarrassed about my deafness. I was brave and wore the BAHA headband to the choir shows yesterday. Usually, I only wear it to rehersals / performances. I have never worn it in front of my parents .. ever .. since getting it in July. It’s the first time they’ve even known of me having it.

I think I personally lost my confidence in wearing it out in public after the comment at the local community group I used to volunteer with, so now I just wear it when I really really have to ,which essentially is choir because I have to know what’s going on and my timing has to be spot on.

Mum questioned me on it today,asking what was that band thing you were wearing yesterday.. “Oh, just a headband,” I replied. “What from the hospital mum asked.” I couldn’t deny it . Yes, it’s from the hospital, but it doesn’t really do much, I said.

“Well, it does. You could hear (insert daughters’ names) talking during the show, and those speakers and music were very loud ( they didn’t seem very loud to me) . Vaguely, I replied.

Whereas in actual fact, yes and no, is this true. It is vaguely because the people next to me were looking in my daughters direction, smiling, laughing , making comments about how sweet she was, etc, so I kind of knew she was saying something.. especially as she was directly in front of me, so I was able to lip read her too.

The only times I could hear her was when the whole room was totally silent, and she was particularly loud. ( she was sat rifht on the very front row, and I was close to the front of the stage with a direct view of her.

Proud CODA Mummy

I honestly cried happy tears at this lovely report/ observation from Nursery. As a deaf parent, I’m so incredibly proud of my little CODA for embracing who she is. Being true to who she is. Signing when she feels the need or wants to communicate in this way.

I can’t thank those who have helped us get to this point enough. Carol Cook and Paula Parker for teaching me BSL and getting me through my signature accredited qualifications.Carol and Paula gave me the skills and language to communicate.

Nikki, for all your wonderful baby/ toddler BSL signing classes where every person in the room signed through songs, games, music toddler fun, and more. These classes really truly engaged Verity to sign with others and develop her signing ability further.
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EDCS and FDC for always allowing my little CODA to join in events and activities.

It really does go to show how important sign language is. Sign language aides communication and language skills in everyone hearing or not.

Sign language really is for all. Thanks to sign language, my little girl is thriving at nursery and able to communicate when she doesn’t have the words, doesn’t know how to express herself, or feels shy to fully express with words.

I love that Nursery are supporting and encouraging her to sign further, aiding her development, confidence, and communication language skills ❤️

All language is important. However, you use your words is valid , powerful,meaningful, and equally as important.

Cold Friends

Today, mum told me she cancelled seeing her best friend earlier this week, as her friend has a cold. Usually, of course, this wouldn’t make any difference. However, she said no because of my operation being soon and not wanting to pass anything on . In mums word ( I’ve seen the exact messages), mum said, ” she’s waited such a long time for this.”

At first reading it ,I was like ahh that’s nice that she’s thought of me in this way.” My next thought was well I haven’t really waited that long.” I only had the BAHA removed in March . Initially I was told September for this operation, but due to a few complications along the wah- my left deteriorating rapidly, the wound site not healing as quick or well as we would have liked it has set us back a bit.

Instead of having osia in September, I got the go ahead an added to the wait list I was told January-February. So, to be having it done in November, only two months after the original plan isn’t too awful.

I’m looking at the bigger picture .yes. yes, I have waited a long time for this opportunity. Realistically, years ago, the revision should have been done instead of having to wait 4 years, then have an 18-month battle. Everything should have been that much quicker. Revision, removal, and implanting with osia.

That said, if this had all been true, I wouldn’t ever have met Joe, who has been incredible with my care . I couldn’t ask for better.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready for this final chance. We may be clutching at straws, but anything is possible, and I just have to know one way or the other…

2 Weeks to Go Wobble

My operation is exactly two weeks away now. I’m both excited and really not.. honestly I don’t know how I feel about this operation,  everything feels very unlike me. Usually I’m all for surgery and I’m feeling good about it, I still am absolutely fine about having the operation , that doesn’t bother or phase me. It’s not as though it’s the anaesthetic or being put under or anything with the operation itself to be honest. 

This morning, I woke up excited. I couldn’t wait excited! Father Christmas is coming tonight excited. Counting it down. Mychart updated, so the operation is now showing on my main home page, and that in itself was exciting to see, rather than having to go searching for it in my upcoming appointment section. 

All day, I’ve been in this. “Oh my god, I only have one more Monday nursery drop off and collection to do before it’s here.” It’s coming round so fast.

It feels I’ve gone from 0-1000 from all the unknown, whether this would ever happen, or if we would ever get to this point, to being told within the first 3 months of next year to being given 5 weeks notice that it’s happening, to suddenly here we are. We’re practically there now. 

This morning I went and bought some snacks ready for my hospital bag-  my favourite childhood biscuits ( none other than chocolate BN’S of course) and my absolute go to after an anesthetic- the godly red, plain pringes. I don’t know why, but the plain pringles really hit that spot that nothing else does after a general anaesthetic

This evening I’m sitting here trying to post to my social media with the 2 weeks to go update. I’m feeling fine about the operation and about posting, equally though , when it’s come to having to select some audio to go with it. That’s when it’s hit me. Usually, I’m all upbeat and positive,  fight song,  this is me, kind of vibe. However, neither of these felt fitting ,they both feel far too upbeat ,happy, and positive. Yet slower ,sadder songs feel too depressing and don’t fit right either. 

On Instagram I selected Brady Morgan – Some Days This felt more fitting as to how I’ve felt for ,I don’t know possibly a good 18 months maybe, certainly the majority of this year though that’s for sure. Tiktok, I went for Jessie J- Masterpiece as this felt slightly more upbeat, and I don’t feel this will be misconstrued as much as the Brady Morgan one. 

I feel so very mixed about this surgery. I’m unsure why. 

I don’t know If it’s the fear of the unknown, in the respect that neither myself nor Joe know if this is actually going to work, or the fact the liklihood of something going wrong is so much higher as the osia,though different is very similar to BAHA and works in similar ways with very similar components including the bia 300 implant screw. The exact same as was used for my BAHA. Part of the issue is that we don’t know why I had all the issues I did with BAHA. Whether my body just didn’t like it and was in fight mode, believing it to be a foreign object it needs rid of. Was it the bia 300 that was the issue?

Will the implant be powerful enough for what my hearing needs are? Will I wake in pain again ? Will it be OK and then go totally wrong? Essentially, will it be BAHA all over again? Or is this it? Is this the missing piece of the jigsaw? Is this the answer and the magic  key to solve all ? Nobody truly knows the answers to any of this. Nor is it known how my left will cope, will my left stabilise ? Or will it continue on its own path of further  deafness?

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I guess with this one, there’s so much unknown , Essentially, although I’ve been there, I’ve got the t-shirt on numerous occasions. This one feels totally different. I’ve never gone into an operation with so much uncertainty going forward.

I’ve never gone through an operation as a mum … well tell a lie I have in March, but that was a local anaesthetic and I was home that evening,  that was the first time I had left her for any length of time and she had a whale of a time with nanna and gaga. This is the first under a general anaesthetic and staying in the hospital.

 The mum guilt is real! Honestly the whole leaving my baby overnight for one or more nights is something else. How will she cope without me?where will she sleep? (at home she starts off in a cot, yes I know I need to move her to a bed but she sleeps) then moves into my bed when I get her up to try for a wee before I go to bed myself. 

I know I need to do this for her. She needs a mummy who isn’t broken,  who is able to be the best she can be, and right now, I’m not the best mummy I can be. I’m doing this for my baby. She deserves the world, and she deserves a mummy who can engage in playground chatter with the other mummy’s,  she deserves not to have the need to be my carer as she grows, She needs a childhood full of fun and freedom – not checking in with me every few minutes to check I’m OK. 

Ultimately, there’s been a lot going through my mind. Am I making the right decision? Should I have taken more time? Should I have been more open? Equally ,honestly, I don’t know how much longer I could hold on in there.  It’s been a struggle,  clutching at straws to stay afloat. My mental health has massively dipped and declined . I would be lying if I said things have been all sunshine and rainbows .

I know if this operation works, it’s going to be spectacular, life changing , and fireworks . If it doesn’t, then it’s going to be deflating , clearing the streets after a  concert/messy night out. Equally, I know if the latter happens, I’ve got a great consultant behind me ,who I know, will continue to help anyway that he can and won’t allow this to be a spectular disaster  . He has so far has stayed true to his word and hasn’t given up on me.

There’s an awful lot riding on this operation. If it works I feel like I can build on me, gain independence and confidence back ,come out of my shell, be the best version of me and the best mummy I can be. I’ll have the chance to hear my daughter better and engage in her world more. My listening fatigue hopefully drastically reduced so I can feel like a 20 something year old ,rather than have the energy of a 90-something year-old. 

I know ,well I hope I’m making the right and best decision but proceeding forward with this operation.  I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve always been 110% sure and known my own mind .I’ve certainly wavered this time. Should I do this? Are the risks too great? Should I have re routed and gone for a left implant instead? ,would that have held more success? Should I have boycotted and written off my right? , should I have called time trying to hear from the right? when the odds have been stacked against me and the past 12 years have been a fight? That said, when have I ever settled ,done as told or not done something despite being told I either would or may fail? 

With that in mind, I know I have to fight on and try this. If it doesn’t work, at least I know I’ve tried, and I’ve given it my all. Isn’t that all we ask of our children? and what we strive for in ourselves on a daily basis? Isn’t this what’s drummed in from a young age to do our best and keep trying? , so why should this be any different

I know if I don’t try, I wouldn’t be able to live with the what ifs , I know it would always forever be playing in my mind. What if I had? I couldn’t live with that constantly playing on my mind. This way, I will know one way or the other. 

At this moment in time I don’t know which me will present on the day. will the usual I’ve got this me come forward and rock if own it? or am I going to be a crying mess? Well, reality is I will cry at least once on the way there as I’m flying this totally solo. So I know I know I will have tears over leaving my baby If nothing else , plus the timing is incredibly close to mother nature coming calling, so who knows . Equally, I know I’ve got this, and I can and will get through this.

Realisations

Last night, as I was getting ready to go to bed, something hit me. I realised something. No, I haven’t just discovered my brain. Chance would be a fine thing, though 🤣.

I realised upon reflection how I’ve regularly said for a while now hearing/ BAHA / hearing implant wise, I’m not further forward than I was aged 16, when I began this whole process.

Partially correct. However, what I discovered was actually comparing last year to this year. I have massively moved forward , in the last year and 5 months, though aesthetically, it may not look it.

June last year, I was in an awful lot of pain and had been for a number of years (3 to be precise though issues for 6 years prior to this) whereas since March this year ive been pain free ,ever since the BAHA removal.

Since starting the process of getting a hearing implant right sided, I’ve realised what doesn’t work for me. I now know BAHA isn’t an option,I didn’t know that age 16, I feel I now understand this side of the process a little more to help others who may expirence issue with theirs too.

I’ve gained a better, more understanding ,empathetic, and caring team than what I had when I was first referred to UCLH.

I now have consultant who has had my back through thick and thin and has moved mountains to try to help ans find solutions , surgically he has been very thorough ensuring we’ve done CT and MRI so we actually know and can understand my anatomy better , numerous conversations, lots of researching and thinking and ultimately when I’ve made a decision he’s supported it and has got everything moving super fast. BAHA removal was 8 weeks wait, Osia just over 11 weeks wait. My previous consultant had me waiting 6 months at a time, and it was hard work to get him to help me.

So although physically and aesthically not much has changed, support wise and understanding myself has massively changed.

UC November

Blimey, has it been a month already? Time is flying it doesn’t seem five minutes ago. I was writing up October’s update. (Realistically, I wasn’t actually that long ago because I’ve been so behind on the blog front)

I can’t lie I was apprehensive about today’s meeting as I’m officially floating between staff ,as I now do not have an allocated work coach due to mine leaving (planned leave, she didn’t just up sticks and go)

Not knowing who I was seeing besides knowing her name is Danielle, this set off all kinds of questions. How much or how little did she know of my case? Was she aware of my deafness? Would she be better than my work coach who has just left?

Being deaf I always like to put a face to a name in advance so that I’m aware of who I’m looking out for as 99% of the time I miss my name being called.

My work coach always knew I was deaf yet always spoke so super quietly and called me from some distance away. I get that some people are quietly spoken, and that’s fine, but when you’re deaf anyway, this is a huge struggle. If you know you’re quietly spoken, then come closer before calling.

Imagine my surprise when a young, kind looking blonde haired lady approaches to a close distance, gains my eye contact, and says very clearly, ” Are you Bethan?” Befofe looking in the sopping wet empty pram. Good job, it was empty as I had thrown my wet coat onto it. I had got caught in a random heavy downpour literally two minutes away from the job centre ( don’t panic I hadn’t lost my marbles taking an empty pram and no child, I had dropped my daughter at nursery before fast walking into town for my appointment)

She introduced herself as Danielle and asked me to follow her, I notice very quickly that every time she’s speaking to me, she’s ensuring to face me and speak clearly. We reach the desk that she is based on and she stands facing me ensuring this space is OK for me, asking if I’m happy to sit here, its relatively quiet so I say it’s fine. I notice again at no point is her back to me.

We both take a seat, and it seems Danielle has done her homework and is aware I’m deaf, not that I’ve mentioned that, though. She knows I have a daughter and her name, and vaguely knows about the TA SWAP course. Essentially, it’s an online teaching assisting course. I fill her in on all the drama and fiasco, and she can not apologise profusely enough. I’m told my work coach has left due to being promoted to management at another branch ( it figures.. isn’t it always those who massively lack empathy and people skills the ones high up or in management roles?)

Danielle seems super lovely and we get chatting about how she too has children, how she found it as a mum trying to return to work ,she said how she really takes her hat off and admires how I’m doing everything solo in terms of raising my daughter as her “dad” (better referred to as sperm donor because let’s face it that’s all he’s ever done or contributed)

We discuss the TA SWAP course again and she looks into the details that nobody else so far has been able to be give me correctly, what I loved was she turned the computer screen around so that I could see it myself and actually see what she was referring to. Simple thing to do ,yet it made a huge difference. How hard was that ?! If only this had happened before.

Usually, my appointments feel very rushed, and I get all of 2 minutes, or at least that’s how it feels , very slap dash. Today, however, things feel much more relaxed and nowhere near as rushed. I think today is actually the longest I’ve spent in there . I must have been in there a good 20 minutes, I’m not complaining, though, because the erfive and care was much , much better.

When it came to booking in my appointment for next month Danielle asked if I would be happy to see her again, as she felt it made more sense for me to see her again and keep things consistent, instead of having to repeat everything over and over to different member’s of staff ,of course it would also mean continuity of care and nothing getting missed or lost in translation, nobody disagreeing with other staff etc.

When booking the next appointment, for the first time ever, I was asked which date and times worked for me. Usually, I’m just told a date and time, and I’m expected to just drop anything and everything to be there. We ensured, though it was a day that Danielle was working, so that I didn’t see anyone else ,again when looking at dates and times, Danielle turned the computer screen round so I could see them. It’s much better for me as a deaf person as nothing got lost or misheard.

Don’t get me wrong, the appointment wasn’t perfect, as there still was no hearing aid loop or private room, but it was certainly a breath of fresh air ,although I did actually struggle with where tye desk was when someone came and sat on the desk to my left. Even so ,much ,much better expirence and very positive.

It just goes to show that the little things really do make a difference, someone coming up closer, ensuring they have my attention first before speaking, eye contact, speaking clearly, facing me when speaking and allowing me see documentation / computer screens, and being patient and understanding made all the difference today. Anyone can make a difference. Its really not hard to make things accessible.