The Last Ever GOSH Appt 19/01/16

Published January 19, 2016 by goshgurl95

If you haven’t already then you will probably need to read my previous two blog posts that I wrote and published today for this one to make any sense, as it’s a bit of a continuation from that.

 

I got to London with plenty of time for my appointment today , which was lucky really as the tube station was extremely busy so much so I didn’t even attempt to get on the first god knows how many.Before attempting and failing to get on a further load .As I didn’t particularly fancy being rammed into a tiny little standing spot, although I don’t mind standing on the tube at all .I had a brisk walk across to Great Ormond Street as it was absolutely freezing out this morning .I arrived at GOSH with plenty of time before my appointment so went to check in early.I’ve decided I’m not going to worry about the what if’s and what may or may not happen and just go with the flow of how the appointment goes today.

 

Arrived at the Dental and Maxilliofacial department and  all I had to say was that I had an appointment at 10.15 and Astrid the receptionist said ” it’s Mr Gill you see isn’t it ” and it’s Bethan Harvey ” so she basically checked me in without me having to do much at all … Just goes to show just how long and often I’ve been coming up to GOSH really.If the staff even remember and recognize me when they get so many different patients and families coming through the door every day.  To be fair though Astrid has been working there for as long as I can remember and Well I suppose I have and do class GOSH as my second home really so , that clearly explains it LOL.

 

I didn’t have to wait too long until I was called through , although it was slightly past my scheduled appointment time.I think I was the second person to get called through in the time that I had been sitting there so wasn’t bad going really.

 

I didn’t see Mr Gill my consultant today like I usually do , instead I saw one of the fellows that I’m sure I’ve met before ..I’m pretty certain it was the same one I saw at my last appointment to get my new retainer made ,She seemed to recognize me too , so it must have been her I saw last time. I knew then that any questions of surgery were not going to be brought up , as from what I’ve experienced in the past it’s only the consultant or the person your scheduled to actually see for appointments that would ever talk through things like that. I was only in there for a couple of minutes at the very most , was definitely one of my quicker in and out appointments, which in a way is rather annoying given how much it costs me to travel up to the hospital from where I live .Anyway all she wanted to do was check that everything has been going alright since my last appointment which it has been…Yes for once I hadn’t snapped/cracked or broken either of my retainers in any way shape or form , which must be some sort of record for me , as think most times I’ve gone for retainer checks I’ve had to get new ones made…Then again I’ve not had this new one very long, so lets give it time LOL. She looked through my records and said that my braces had come off in 2014 and that seeing as they have been off over a year now, that she couldn’t really see me needing or having to have any more retainer checks as apparently the norm is usually around a year or so.

 

So yeah she just checked over both retainers, got me to put them in and take them out and then checked over them to make sure that they were fitting properly and that they were not too tight or too loose and then got me to take them back out and had a quick check over of my teeth.Before asking me if anyone had made any plans for me to have any surgeries which I said I didn’t have any scheduled,planned or upcoming .. or at least not to my knowledge I didn’t. So she said she wasn’t  really sure what to do and asked if I was alright for her to go and speak to Mr Gill and ask him what he wanted her to do etc.Which I said I was fine about , as well  he is my consultant and the one over seeing my care and treatment. Whilst she was gone the dental Nurse Danielle asked if I was happy with how my teeth were looking and the improvement they have made , which I honestly am as I feel for me personally anyway they’ve made a huge difference and although it may sound a little weird I think in a way it hides my jaw issues a little more, and doesn’t make it look quite as obvious as what it used to appear to me.

 

The fellow was back within a few minutes and said she and Mr Gill were happy and that he didn’t want or need her to do anything else and  didn’t need to see again and was happy for me to be discharged… In a way a bit of a shock to the system , as although I knew it would be coming up soon purely due to my age and everything, I didn’t really expect it to be today .I suppose I thought and expected that when I was discharged I would have seen my consultant Mr Gill and he would have done it , or as had been discussed a few years ago when I was discharged from the ENT clinic with Neil Bulstrode that I would be seen in multi disciplinary clinic , as he had asked one of the other consultants if that would be happening as he said he would have liked to say goodbye properly etc when the time came. So yeah a little bit of a shock but in honesty I was expecting it to happen some time soon , as things have been good for a while now and been going as planned and well whether I like or not I am getting older now and the hospital is classed as a children’s hospital , so it was going to happen soon really.It was a bit of a shame as the fellow I saw said she would see if Mr Gill would pop in to see me to say goodbye and everything but he unfortunately couldn’t as he was busy with other things which is completely understandable although it would have been nice to have had the chance to thank him for everything he’s done for me since 2012 when he took over being my consultant.

 

I didn’t really know how to feel about it all and honestly I still don’t ,I mean don’t get me wrong I know it’s a good thing and I do see it as a good thing and as the end of an era or chapter or whatever you like. But at the same time although knowing this day would come at some point I guess part of me never really believed or expected it to though, as silly as it sounds.As I’ve been under Great Ormond Street Hospital’s care since I was 22 weeks in the womb before I became a patient at the age of 3 months old, so really it’s all I’ve ever known throughout all of my life and it definitely feels a little strange knowing I won’t ever be going back as a GOSH patient anymore.It’s a little sad too as I’ve met some absolutely amazing teams of people from the consultants,surgeons,doctors,nurses,play specialists, the receptionists etc so much so they’ve become my second family and second home too. So a little sad knowing I won’t be seeing them anymore  and it means I’m growing up whether I want to or not I’m becoming an adult .. oh dear… LOL . But of course I see all the good and the positives too such as it means now I’m no longer under any hospitals , my health is good , my conditions are doing as well as they can be,I’m happy and it just means a new door will have to open and the next chapter of life can and will begin.

 

I went to sit in the Lagoon cafe  for a bit of breakfast and a hot chocolate seeing as I hadn’t eaten before I left the hospital for  the last time as a patient and to type all of this up onto my phone too of course🙂. I think looking back at the whole of today and the last few months I could see this completely being on the cards and I know now looking at everything I am happy as I am and that although in a sense the surgery decision has been made for me , it’s completely the right and best thing and I am happy that I’ve not had the two further surgeries .Although I would still like to get a few bits done but nothing facial or anything as I’ve decided I am happy as the person I am and it’s time to just work on the confidence and accept it all fully that this is who I am and have become .It’s been one massive journey from start to finish but the whole experience and journey with GOSH has been incredible.. It’s strange yes that it’s come to an end after 20 years and 5 months of being a patient and I am of course going to miss the hospital, the teams of staff that have helped and supported me throughout various parts of my journey but they will always be extremely special to me and hold a very special place in my life that will forever stay in my heart and with me.I have never been able to fully thank any of the amazing staff or teams of people for the things that they’ve done for me throughout the years.Well this certainly is not exception that I still owe absolutely everything to them and will never be able to thank them enough for everything they’ve done for me.

 

…………………….

 

Now I just couldn’t leave without first taking these photos  as peter pan and the hospital have become so special to me:

 

GOSH journey appt 19/01/16

Published January 19, 2016 by goshgurl95

So I am now on my way to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London, Although to be honest  I thought I was going to end up being late and missing my train as I really wanted to do my pre appointment blog post before I left home . I must have  been walking at some speed  due to the cold or something as I didn’t leave mine until maybe 7:45 ish so 5 mins later than planned an got to station by 8am .I hadn’t planned on getting on the train until 8:16 am  but I’d actually got to the station early enough that the 8:03 am train was still sitting in the station an hadn’t pulled out , watched the 8:10 train come in an pull out although to be fair I could’ve got that one but it looked rather crowded so I decided not to get the train until 8:16 as planned.

Anyway I feel completely calm and fine although I know that I’m more than likely going to be asked about surgery or further treatment again.  It does seem strange though  that Mr Gill has  asked to see me today as usually I only go for check ups between 6-12 months, so Is a little strange as to why he’s asked to see me at 3 months.

Obviously it’s not been 3 months since I last went to GOSH  as I  had to go back to see one the fellows to get a new retainer made as the previous one was too small … Anyway I’m getting off topic I really don’t know how I’m going to answer or what I’m going t o say or answer when that question is asked .I find it’s harder now as my parents no longer come to any of my appointments with me anymore and now I’ve got to deal with this all alone an make the decision alone ,I mean my parents always leave the decisions to me but for them to know about them an what’s going on though helps .However this time I’ve not told them .I’ve left them in the dark about it all as although I planned to tell mum 3 months ago when it was first mentioned I chose not although we are a really open family and we  talk about anything and everything I couldn’t bring myself to tell her as she got so upset over knowing I had to come back in 3 months time rather than between the usual 6-12 months time gap,  and actually started crying an worrying asking me what was wrong , what was happening etc , which I couldn’t answer why he wants to see me in 3 months time as I wasn’t told either so how could I then tell her we had been discussing surgery and that we most likely would be again today when she’s got upset over it being 3 months time ??

 

I’m split on what to do part of me says yes an the other  says no .The part saying yes have surgery  is the real self conscious me , an the nervous part me thinking well I know sooner rather than later now they’re going to be thinking about / talking about and then discharging me or referring me elsewhere because of my age as I’ll be 21 in August, so I know it’s going to  happen sooner or later and I know that this will either be my last surgery(ies) here  and then I’ll be discharged or if I say no it’ll most likely happen today or over the next few months . Which is hard enough really as I’ve been at gosh since I was 22 weeks in my mums womb, and then became a patient when I was a 3 month old baby. Since  then I   have had regular  updates , appointments , treatments an surgeries since an I can’t imagine not having GOSH, although of course they’ll always be my second home and my  second family etc  and I’ll still do my blog , fundraising and  raise awareness just the same as I currently do . The  thing is I’ve been self-conscious an insecure about myself since I was 8 years old do that part of me says do it an also the part me saying do it is because what happens if I say no then change my mind in a few years then I’ll be at bottom NHS waiting list an have to get gp referral to another hospital an team an go through everything from the beginning an it’d be a slower process an I may even have to pay for it as it’d be considered cosmetic surgery, as hemifacial microsomia is not something you can cure . However the part of me saying no is the part of me that knows just how hard everything the past 20 years have been for my parents an it’s gotten harder  on them as I’ve got older such as mum cried at my BAHA surgery , cried about me having to be seen in 3 months time rather than usual time wait etc.So how can I really put her through that again as I know she finds it the hardest out of her an dad . Then how can I also do it when my sister Is so sick with mental health illness as she’s currently battling anorexia and has been in hospital since September and  isn’t due home until Monday

 

.How can I really do that to them as we need each other right now an need be there to support encourage an help my sister and I don’t want to take that attention away or off of her an I don’t want be taking my parents away from her when she still really needs and relies on them. It also means if I do decide to do the surgery  that I’ll most likely have it done within the next few months or so as they usually get me in pretty quickly once I’ve agreed etc .Which  means my sister would still be in the early stages of being back at home with us after being in hospital for months . I would have to postpone or set back getting my boobs done as I’ve now got the name of a surgeon and hospital but although haven’t taken it any further yet I would have to set that back  until  everything surgery wise at GOSH was sorted an done. Even then I would probably have to leave it a few extra months an that . Whereas if I was to be honest I’d rather have my boobs done first but the thing is I just find have the time as I’m fast running out of time if being at GOSH  so this would have to come first if I decide to go ahead

I’m almost at Liverpool Street station an I’m still no closer to knowing what my decision is , what I’ll say or how I’ll answer so this is going well …

GOSH pre appointment 19/01/16

Published January 19, 2016 by goshgurl95

So I don’t very often do pre appointment blogs.. well actually I’ve never done one before that I can recall..  but I have a bit of time to kill before I have to leave to get the train for today’s appointment at GOSH (Great Ormond Street Hospital) So thought I would do a pre appointment blog , as well to be honest there’s a lot going on and I know that I will be seeing Mr Gill today whose currently my consultant at GOSH and when I last saw him 3 months ago we had a chat about further treatments and further surgery, so obviously this is going to be brought up an mentioned today.

 

I honestly thought as I got older the easier things would get in making these decisions over surgery and what the best thing or the right thing to do is, well I honestly don’t think that’s the case I think if anything it just gets so much harder and more complex to decide the older you get , as you realise more what is going on and what’s happening and have other commitments in life that have an impact on these decisions.

 

What’s played the most on my mind and made making any decisions hard, has been the fact that my little sister , my only sibling has been really Ill and has been having her own battles and struggles as she was diagnosed with anorexia in May last year after us suspecting things weren’t quite right since the previous November , and she then got admitted into the Priory hospital in September last year, and is still currently in there .So obviously I don’t want to put any additional pressure ,stress,worry or upset onto my parents because that’s just not fair given what they’re going through and have had to go through throughout the past year. However I know that my sisters recovery is going to take years unfortunately and unfortunately is something that could be with her for the rest of her life now.

 

It makes things hard as she got jealous of me and funny with me when I went into hospital for my first stage of ear reconstruction and told me I was being selfish and just after the attention, which of course I wasn’t and well ever since that has always played on my mind with going ahead with any other further treatments or surgeries, I mean in a way me and my sister are very much alike as we now both having conditions that are going to be with us for life and affect us in various ways.

 

See I kind of want to go ahead with further surgery ,as I’ve been considering having my chin realigned and a second Coleman fat transfer to my right cheek as I feel this will help me to become more confident and happier in  who I am as a person and just hide my condition that little bit more. However by saying this I don’t mean to say I regret or wish I didn’t have Hemifacial Microsomia or any of my other conditions because of course that’s just not true , It’s what makes me who I am.However I’m still single and have only ever had one serious relationship and that ended around 3 years or so ago and well I do wonder and worry  is it my face that puts guys off of me , or tells them to no longer be interested in me, or to decide not to get to know me as a person.Believe me I’ve tried I’ve been on dating apps and I’ve tried everything I can do .I just honestly feel my confidence and things are getting in the way and maybe my appearance too.However if I do decide to go ahead I’m not going to be doing it for them I would be completely doing it for me.

 

At the same time of saying all of this , it doesn’t mean for one minute that I’m not happy because of course I am happy and I do have happiness in my life ,I’ve got brilliant friends and family, I’m working full-time, I’m starting to go out more often and see more of my friends too. I honestly am very happy in life and the issue I have is I could happily live how I currently look but I could also quite happily change it too, It is something that gets to me from time to time and I just think maybe I should edit it slightly by going ahead with these surgeries as they would only be minor surgery . If it came to it I would travel up to London and stay there the night before and do the whole thing on my own as I just don’t want to take my parents away from my little sister who needs them so much more than I do right now.

 

I don’t want it to seem as though I’m just doing all of this for attention either  because I honestly am not and that couldn’t be further from the truth .This has  been something that’s been on going and talked and discussed about for years at the hospital now ,way before my sister getting Ill.However I’ve not discussed any of it with my parents as I just physically cannot bring myself to with everything they’ve got going on and I know it’s been so hard for them having to watch me go through numerous treatments and operations throughout my 20 years of life. I know it is  getting so much harder for them to see .Mum cried at my last surgery and even when I told her I had to go back to the hospital in 3 months time which is today she got upset and cried because she was worrying something was wrong or going to happen so how on earth can I do this right now ?!!  I’m now at the age where GOSH will be looking to finish up caring for me and discharging me so it’s a really hard decision to make and I’m not looking forward to it at all……

2016 !!

Published January 9, 2016 by goshgurl95

This is my first blog of this new year, so firstly I just want to say that I hope you’ve all had a lovely Christmas with your families and those closest to you and secondly of course I want to wish you all a very happy 2016 and I hope that it will be a happy,bright and healthy one for you all of you.I also want to thank you all so ,so,so much for all of your support throughout 2015 I honestly means the absolute world to me.I cannot believe how quickly last year went and that were in a new year already !!!

 

I’m glad that we are finally in a new year, as usually I’m not the kind of person to be thankful for a new year but last year was probably one of the hardest if not the hardest year for my family and it has been an absolute roller coaster , so I’m so glad to finally have most of that put into the past now , although of course it will now change family dynamics but that’s fine this is what family is about adjusting and changing to the members within it .I’m looking forward to a new year of lots of brand new adventures and blogs (I promise I will stay up to date this year).

 

Already have some things to look forward to in 2016 such as my beautiful little sister will be coming home permanently after being in hospital since September of last year, were getting a puppy at the end of January, It’s my 21st birthday this year, my sisters 18th birthday this year, and most of my friends 21st birthdays this year too. So I can see this being a very busy and exciting year ahead .

 

My new years resolutions/aims and goals for 2015 are:

 

  • I’m going to look after myself better this year ,so taking a bit more Me time between work and life, and just generally do more for myself this year, but of course I’ll still be there for everyone else too ,I just feel last year in particular I forgot to have time for myself and think this is a key thing to even if it’s just an hour out of my week.

 

  • I’m going to treat myself more often so for example I’ve decided I’m going to treat myself to getting my eyebrows waxed and tinted every 6 weeks, I’m going to get my eyelashes uplifted and tinted every 6 weeks, If I see things in the shops that’s a little pricey I’m going to treat myself to it , basically this one kind of ties in with my first aim/resolution

 

  • Be more out going , so like try to hang out with my friends more and generally go out and about more rather than just sitting around at home on my days off .

 

  • Be more spontaneous , so basically just have more get up and go and be like you know what I want to go here or someone messages me and says can we meet up in an hours time be more spontaneous to say yes and to go and do it

 

  • Be more sociable so again kind of ties in with the previous two but also to pick up the phone to friends more often or drop them a text or Facebook message or whatever to see how they are and arrange to go out and meet up with them more often

 

  • Start the process of getting a boob job.This is something I have wanted for years now and it is not a decision I’ve taken to lightly I have done a lot of research and done a lot of thinking and planning , but it’s something I’ve wanted since I first started secondary school .Although to be fair I kind of hoped that I was just a late developer and nature would take it’s course, but well it hasn’t and I just know this is something that would make me feel so much more confident,happy and comfortable within my own body and within myself , so this is definitely something I want to start going down the route of this year.I already have a name of a surgeon and everything so I think it’s time really to put that all into place as I’ve waited years for this and I’m nearly 21 now
  • Do more charity events this year at the moment I want to do the RBC Race for the kids, Santa dash for GOSH, and a skydive for Microtia UK and GOSH, I would also like to do something for the charity Mind UK that helps people with mental illness as this has become something that now is very close to me and has been since around May 2015.I would also like to attend more charity events

 

  • I have also decided I’m going to dedicate a lot more time this year to my blog and my Facebook page that runs along side it and keep both up to date and not fall behind on doing so.I would also like to get my story out there more to help raise awareness

 

  • I am also going to be a lot more organised this year as I know I haven’t been very organised last year or been late replying to messages or getting back to people etc.I became the first charity  officer for Microtia UK just before Christmas which I am super excited about and will blog about soon, and I’ve been late already in sending charity pots out .. please note I am sorry about that and I am already on it and getting it sorted .

 

  • I want to complete my adult leadership qualification with Brownies through girl guiding  this year

 

  • I want to start my adult leadership with the guides through girl guiding

 

  • I would like to become an advocate for Cochlear UK

 

  • I would also like to look into and take up sign language courses to promote myself that little bit more,as this is something that would and could help me in life and I also want to do it so I can communicate with others with hearing loss who rely on sign language or use it ,Also I would like to learn it as I often get deaf customers come into my work place and I would love to be able to sign with them

 

 

GOSH appt 16/11/15

Published January 9, 2016 by goshgurl95

So this morning I’m heading off to Great Ormond Street Hospital for a dental and maxiliofacial appointment to get another top retainer made as my new one I had made at my previous appointment is too small and too tight.I know new retainers can be and usually are tight to begin with as your teeth adjust but this wasn’t that type of tight, it’s so tight that I can’t get it  in unless I really force it (which i tried and don’t recommend) When I did force it in , it was agonizingly too tight,To the extent that I just wanted to rip out and quick…except that was the next issue I couldn’t get it out where I had forced it in  and it had got stuck. I literally thought I was going to end up pulling my teeth out with it or even worse breaking a tooth in the process. Eventually I did manage to get it out leaving all teeth in tact, although I did end up cutting my gums either with the retainer or my nails .So naturally I haven’t tried that one again some how , so I’m going back today before my next appointment scheduled for 3 months time in January for my 3 month review  to get that sorted out.

 

I must admit I am a little scared about travelling into London today , although I do it fairly regularly and have been for a while now. But after all the Paris attacks I must admit it has left me feeling a little scared about travelling into London especially because they’re currently saying that they are planning on hitting London next.

 

The travel into London today wasn’t great as all trains so far have been cancelled or are delayed so the 8:28 am train that I was supposed to get didn’t pull into my local train station until 8:37 am which I know is only 10 minutes later but when you have appointments and places to be by a certain time that little time difference can affect a lot and be a complete pain.Luckily though my orthodontist knows I travel up to London from Essex and knows I rely and depend on the train services so tends to allow me a little extra time to get to appointments in case of delays or issues like this. To be honest with all the cancellations and delays I was really hoping that this was not a sign that I shouldn’t travel today.

 

I didn’t get off of the train until 9:30 am and then headed for the tube station which was absolutely heaving , rammed pack with people to the extent you couldn’t see any of the platform due to the number of bodies and was even going back through the archway by the escalators .Due to the tube station being soo busy and packed I let the first two tubes go before getting onto the 3rd one which was still really busy as was the station but not to the extent that the other two tubes had been.So I didn’t actually get on a tube until 9:40 am  and I honestly thought I was going to be late at this point as my appointment was 10:30 and I still hadn’t gotten across to the right part of London yet and would still have to walk across from the tube station to the hospital which is around a 20 minute walk , and you always have to be at the hospital 20 minutes before your scheduled appointment time , so this really was not looking very likely at all.

 

Some how and I honestly don’t know I managed to get to Great Ormond Street Hospital by 10:00 am leaving me with half hour to spare until my appointment.So I decided to go straight down to the dental department and wait in the waiting area as wasn’t any point in me going anywhere else or doing anything else before my appointment.Although to be honest I didn’t really need to worry or rush to the hospital as I was still sitting in the waiting room past my scheduled appointment time anyway. That was completely fine by me as I was really nervous before this appointment anyway in case the talk of surgery came up again and knowing that I do want further surgery too , however it is not something I’ve yet discussed or spoken to about with my family, and I’m generally just worried to be honest as my parents have a lot going on at the moment with family matters and it’s also worrying me as my parent don’t know this is something that has been spoken about , nor do they know it is something I want or am considering , nor do they know the amount of time that this has been something I’ve been considering and wanting to do.I also don’t want to upset them feeling like it is the best thing for me to go ahead with surgery as I’ve noticed now as I’m getting older my mum is getting more and more emotional and upset every time I go into hospital for an operation. The last surgery I had which was my BAHA surgery my mum actually cried before I went down to theatre and this is something I’ve never seen before, apart from when I came round in recovery from my first stage of ear reconstruction.

I also know my parents are finding it increasingly hard and difficult having to be there watching me going through all these various appointments, treatments and surgeries , because obviously I’m there daughter and all every parent wants is for their children to be happy and healthy and in all honesty and reality parents don’t really ever want this for their child for them to be born with various conditions which result in them having to constantly be in and out of hospitals or around hospitals from the womb onward for all of their life or most of it and now that I’m in my 20’s and hospital appointments, treatments and surgeries are still very much ongoing I know it’s becoming harder for them to see.

 

It’s now 10:40 am and I can literally feel my heart pounding with nerves .Mr Gill my orthodontist has already come out once and has seen me waiting in the waiting room smiled and said hello .So obviously I smiled back .I’m literally getting soo nervous it’s ridiculous as I’ve been coming here since I was 3 months old I’m now 20 years old so why am I getting myself into such a state over it? Obviously I know nothing bad is going to happen because  well it won’t and I know I’ll be absolutely fine the moment I go through into the room .. so why do I really need to get like this or feel like this??

 

It’s nearly 11 am and I am still sitting waiting to be called through , which is absolutely fine as it gives me time to calm myself down and it’s also giving me time to think how I will answer if he does face me with the surgery question again , and now that I know clinic is running behind it’s also making me think well perhaps he won’t even mention it or bring it up as obviously everyone is being seeing later than scheduled so he will still have other patients to see , so I’m kind of hoping he will want to get all the patients in and out as quickly as possible but of course giving them all the time needed for their appointments etc.

 

We shall see I mean if it comes to it and he does ask then well I’ll just have to be ready to answer ..I mean it’s not as though I don’t know the answer because I do I know I want to go ahead with further surgery . So what’s the big deal really in me answering that? So I honestly don’t know why I’m being silly and getting myself worked up over it.I’ve decided I want to have chin realignment and more fat put into my right cheek .It’s times like these that I would absolutely love to have Neil Bulstrode in my appointments with me to say to me look these are your options if you do want anything else done , or to say you’ve said to me in the past and have emailed me previously to say these are things you would like to have done, is this still something you’re considering and want to have done for the reasons you discussed me with me previously.

 

 

Well the bad news is obviously I didn’t have Neil Bulstrode in the appointment with me , but the good news is I wasn’t asked the question about surgery ,as I didn’t actually see Mr Gill today I saw one of  the fellows who made my new retainer for me and told me that I look 16 not 20.. it’s the baby face LOL.So all went really well and I was out and done within minutes she said I was like a pro with the stuff they use to make retainers and said OH you’re doing really well with this I can tell you’ve had this a few times before.. yupp just a few😉 She said because I live in Essex she will get my new retainer posted out to me rather than me having to make another appointment to go back to GOSH just to pick the retainer up

 

Random thoughts blog ..

Published October 30, 2015 by goshgurl95

OK so as you have probably worked out from the title of this blog , it is a bit of a random one and a few various thoughts going through my mind or things that people have recently said to me that have got me thinking.

 

So the other day at work one of my colleagues that I get on with really well said a few things to me that have really got me thinking and he meant no offence by any of the things he said nor did I take them offensively .The only reason I’ve chosen to blog about them is because it has honestly got me really deep in thought the last few days since it was said really.

 

The first thing he said and I really can’t remember how we got onto the topic or conversation about it but we somehow got onto the subject of bullying and when I told him that I was bullied from my first day of year 3 to the day I left school in year 11. I also told him about my suicide attempt , I know this is something I’ve discussed a lot in my blogs but the reason being is because I am not ashamed of the fact that I was in such a dark and low point in life where I felt that was my only option, No it’s not a good thing or a good place to be but I am not ashamed of the fact that it happened because whether I like it or not it happened and is a part of me and my background and the life I was unfortunately living at that time with bullying and I don’t want people to talk about it like whoever attempts these things are mentally unstable or have mental health or whatever other stigma is attached because it’s not true it is OK to not be OK and talking about these things is good and now I do talk about it a lot more because I know it’s a part of me that I cannot forget as much as I told myself at the time I never ever wanted anyone else to know about apart from my parents and those that ended up being involved and knowing, I wanted it to be a secret but now I like remembering it just to make myself realise how far I’ve come since then and to not let myself or anyone else make me go back to that place ever again.

 

Anyway he of course said the usual thing I hear when I tell people or they find out “I’m sorry” or “Oh I’m sorry to hear that” No don’t be sorry it wasn’t his fault or anyone who says that fault because it wasn’t it was the bullies fault,my fault and the schools fault it all happened , but anyway.He then said to me oh so is that why you lack so much in confidence .Which is true really and is why I hold back in general with anything really and also why I can be wary and hold back when meeting new people or getting to know someone , it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to them or get to know them because believe me I 100% do want to.It is also why I take soo long to trust other people that I don’t know or don’t know that well and this literally can be anyone teachers,doctors,medical professionals, friends, boys anyone at all.However I thought I had gotten better at that  and didn’t think it showed especially not in my work place ,However I am clearly wrong if he came out with this ,without any prior knowledge of anything that had ever happened before me working there.However he did say to me it would be something I’d get back in time but now I honestly don’t know if my confidence will ever come back because it has been soo long and so many years ago now I left school in May 2011 so just over 5 years ago now. So is there really any chance or hope of it ever coming back now ? I doubt it in fairness I think this is just who I am and how I will always be now.

 

The second thing he said to me is that he thinks I’m scared to be myself , as apparently one minute I can be really bubbly and bouncing off of the walls and really happy ,chatty and silly and the next I’m really down and miserable which I don’t know so much if that’s true or not really but it certainly has got me thinking.As this is something that again I have struggled with and had issues with since all of the bullying like trying to identify and work out who I am as a person , so It could be true but I don’t think I’m quite as drastic like that though, I mean yes I am really chatty person and I am often getting told off or moaned at by someone for talking too much, usually my parents, and you guys probably know that by how long my blogs always turn out to be as I just seem to get carried away and off topic🙂 but however if others are in a bad mood or someone says something or whatever it can put a damper on my mood and affect me , but it’s not like bouncing off the walls one minute and then click of the fingers bad mood or anything though.

 

The third thing he said to me was about how whatever issues and problems we have going on in life  how we still have to still keep on moving forward and that we can’t stop moving forward whatever happens.Which I know I certainly have been doing is stopping myself from moving  forward and pushing all plans ,blogging (hence why I was months behind until like last week) and everything else in my life to one side really .The reason being just so I can be there for my family and my sister with her battle with her own health issues, as I would and will literally do anything to have my little sister back to being well my little sister and being happy and healthy really.So very little else in my life has or does matter or is as important to me as my family or my sister is and well to be honest this has always been true but more so more than ever the past few months.

 

However my colleague said he understands and knows all this but how I should think that  there are others out there worse off and in worse situations , which I know and completely understand but at the same time nothing hurts more than when there are issues within the family though.He also told me how I need to be happy and how if I’m not happy like anyone else in life you have to work for it so if you’re not happy with your looks , your figure, your job you just have to keep working hard at it to achieve the results that you want.Which has got me thinking maybe I do need to spend a little more time for myself to myself , whether that is just coming home from work having a long soak in a nice hot bath with a bath bomb and a book , or whatever and it also got me thinking maybe I should go ahead with further surgeries that I want such as a fat transfer, chin realignment and getting my boobs done because I think I know deep down that would make me happier and feel more confident in myself than what I currently am.

 

 

 

 

GOSH Reflection 20/10/15

Published October 21, 2015 by goshgurl95

So now that I’m home from Great Ormond Street Hospital .Mum obviously wanted to know how it had all gone today ,so told her that it had gone alright and everything had gone well.Although mum did seem a little shocked and taken a back when I told her I’ve got to go back in 3 months time.Because as she said usually if things are going well they don’t usually want to see me for a year and then asked if something had happened or if there is a problem with my teeth or a problem with my jaw, or some new problem.Which at the time I said no, but sitting here thinking about it all and thinking it through well there was a new problem.

 

Mr gill had found that I’m grinding my teeth whilst I’m asleep which is medically known as Bruxism .Which I’ve just started googling and most likely probably shouldn’t  have done as now I’m worrying as it says that causes of it can be teeth not being aligned, crooked teeth which is worrying as I finished brace treatment a year ago and  purposely had it done  to correct those things by making my teeth aligned and straight.So reading that this one of the causes isn’t great as obviously even though I’m doing everything been told to do, my teeth and jaw do and have always done their own thing hence why I can’t go to a normal dentist or orthodontist because my teeth and jaws need to be constantly monitored and watched for changes.Which is why as well I’ve undergone more dental treatments than I can count let alone remember a few I do remember though are:

  • bleaching
  • masking of teeth
  • braces
  • retainers
  • too many to count medical illustrations
  • xrays
  • multi disciplinary meetings and appointments
  • molds
  • impressions
  • Coleman fat transfer
  • surgery at 4 months old to sort asymmetry
  • assessments for change of jaws,teeth and surgery

and if I’m being honest I am so scared of my teeth going back how they were before recent treatments, because the problem with my teeth and jaw is they don’t grow or develop as they should do and so have sometimes rejected treatments so they’ve had to be redone or we’ve had to go at it with other approaches to fix the issues and even then they can sometimes decide to go back on themselves and reject treatment.I just don’t want all the work and treatments to have basically in a way been for nothing and a waste of money on all the train fares over the years,they time the staff have put in etc.So there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep my teeth nice,I mean even though I’ve had the brace and retainer treatment and I’m purposely continuing the retainer treatment so that I can prolong the results as long as possible .My jaw hasn’t changed I’m yet to have or do any work to the bones of my face or jaw so it could always be this causing an issue rather than the teeth themselves , which of course always worries me but I just take it as it comes and deal with things as and when I need to.

 

Obviously now finding out that my teeth grind during the night isn’t fun and a bit of a worry as it can cause damage to the teeth ,jaws and  gums if it goes on for a long period of time.Which I already have issues with two out of the three  without causing any other issues.

It also said another reason could be if you have sleep apnea which I don’t have and have never been diagnosed with  but said on various websites this is a possible cause as if you clench your jaws at night then it can cause you to stop breathing which then forces the bottom jaw to come forward and extend to make you breath , causing the grinding If I’m honest highly doubt that this is what’s causing my issues as it says you would have a high risk of falling asleep during the day etc which I can never sleep in the day unless I’m really Ill.

 

So I’m now wondering if this is why I have to come back in 3 months time to looking into it further and find out what is going on as the only time I usually go on a 3 monthly basis is if I’m under going treatment such as when I had my braces I was going every 4-8 weeks and there were times when I didn’t need to go for 3 months or so and things like that otherwise I usually go back for checks every 6-12 months.I’m also  thinking that is is obviously why he wanted to test my bite and feel my jaws and possibly why he also wanted medical illustration to see if he can maybe identify a problem that way I really don’t know.I read that treatments can include Botox to relax the muscles of the jaw, sleeping with CPAP machine, having a splint fitted,crowns ,root canals, partial or even full dentures.

 

I’ve also decided I will most likely discuss treatment and surgical options with Mr Gill when I go back in January to see him ,whether my sister is better by then not just so that he is aware that I am considering possible further treatment or surgery, which I will most definitely be taking the surgical route if there does turn out to be an issue with my jaws causing the problems that were found.If it turns out not to be then I will discuss the options available to me and go from there but will most likely be realignment of the chin or jaw surgery if it ends up being necessary .The other reason why I’ve decided to possibly discuss this at my next appointment is because I’m 20 years old now and I know they are not very likely to keep me on as a patient forever so need to have decided by then to get things in place.The thing is I’ve been under the maxilliofacial and dental team at GOSH since I was 3 months old so I’ve come to know the staff really well , some of them still working there now such as Jenny the dental nurse,Mr Ayliffe one of the consultants and surgeons, Astrid the receptionist, Mr Evans again one of the consultants and surgeons and many others.The truth is I don’t think I would or could trust any other team or hospital as much as I do Great Ormond Street so would rather go ahead with treatments and surgery whilst I still can have it done under their care .