Guys Hospital Patch Testing Day 4- 09/01/26

Today’s the day!! Its a weird one, it’s a day I’ve been stressing about getting to what with all the snow that’s happened and or been forecast,Praying it wouldn’t come down too hard or heavy enough to stop the trains, as even missing one appointment would have meant redoing the whole set of 4 from the very beginning again.  Thankfully so far at least (I don’t want to jinx things at this late stage) The weather hasn’t beaten me and its all worked out (minus some bizarre moments with the Jubilee line), but I digress. 

Until last night it hasn’t and didn’t feel any different,however this morning ,more so since around 10am it all feels so different. This is potentially my last appointment with Guys and honestly they’ve been great. So it’s a surreal one, what will results show today?, honestly I’m not sure, it’s been a rollercoaster of a journey. I always said whatever happens, happens, it will either flag something up and give answers to questions I’ve pondered for some time and answer what has happened and why. Or it wont. My gut initially said nothing would show and if that was the case I would be ok at least I would know what it’s not-which is still positive and I would be able to rule that one out. But if its positive though great as it would give answers to those unanswered questions, it throws a spanner In the works with what of the already very limited options are now viable ,if any and potentially ending the whole process and journey (something I don’t want and am not ready to do). 

Sunday afternoon removing those tapes and patches off my back myself with just a mirror and my phone for help,reference an guidance proved a challenge, frustrating and yet hilarious at the same time. Seeing I had some marks/blemishes whatever you may wish to call it initially had me feeling we had cracked it and they may be indicative of an allergic reaction was both relieving, yet I felt my heart sink at the realisation my hearing journey could all be over from a few small pink squares. The feelings of  “please don’t let it be anything that’s In or related to the implants and be something totally random I otherwise wouldn’t have encountered” then crept in, so that the  possibility of moving forward with hearing implants  is still viable and a possibility, realising I’m far from ready for that journey to be over and end. Realising I both want and need to fight on.

Monday sparked confusion and bafflement when nothing was said about those four pesky pink squares and the reading was marked as “all negative”, great news, but also what did those squares mean? Why were they pink? But time would tell, no stress they know what they’re doing and looking for ,myself with a mirror and phone isn’t the best nor accurate a view to fully know.

Wednesday  sparked an odd reaction occurring causing puzzlement and confusion. had I reacted to gold? Had I not? As a patch of skin  came up pink, raised and bumpy, all clear indications of a potential allergic reaction-  however it hadn’t occurred where a reaction is expected (within the allocated square where the sample had been placed) instead appearing just slightly below and outside of that square raising question was it the gold? Was it something else? Was it a reaction to the pen or  tape? Something else resulting in us retesting out of curiosity and with potential of adding in an extra appointment to check it. Hours later though a bump could still be felt colour had returned to normal, all very odd 

To today.. Friday sitting here with the feeling “this is it.. results day” what way will this go? honestly I’ve absolutely no idea , at  this point in time anything could happen, pigs could fly and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

What will happen? Questions of what are those pink squares that have remained and why? Both Dr Izzy and consultant  Dr Ferguson have ruled them out as  allergic reactions. What happens from here? Especially if no allergies detected?  I’m ready either way but equally it feels sad yet relieving to be at the end of the patch test journey , relieving in the sense that I’m one step further into my hearing journey and hopefully 3rd time success..

 Over the past couple of days my right arm has felt  very heavy and achey  as though I’ve just recieved a vacination injection. it has also felt very  cold as though the blood is running out of it and I’ve really  struggled ar work with manovering and  putting the tables down- something I intially struggled with when first starting but have since found the knack  and tricks for doing effortlessly- well at least more so than previously and it certainly doesn’t take me more than a few minutes to lay out 10 tables compared to minutes on just one alone. I’ve found myself to be very aware of the patch sample- it’s not itchy just very aware of it’s presence . It feels like its more than just the tape being restrictive , but equally is it all in my head ? am I just overthinking it all? lets be real that would hardly be the first time would it…

Today, again I was in luck  getting home from work ,parking up and getting  across to the station in good time,so  much so I had time to grab a (rather over priced) hot chocolate costing me the best part of £6 from across the road before the train arrived. Of course, don’t worry this is me and it couldn’t of course be that easy or without a hiccup now could it… 

All was going well until  the train came to an abrupt holt just outside of Shenfield station ,being deaf I have absolutely no clue why we have stopped, what the problem is or how long we will be stopped for as I cannot hear the tannoy announcement, and although the station stops are displayed onboard of  trains ,tannoys are yet to be captioned or displayed in the same manner.I have no option but to sit ,wait and watch the few people around me for visual cues as to what is going on – are they getting off? are they looking annoyed etc? nobody is moving and so I stay put in my seat, though I question do I need to notify the hospital I could be late? but how can I do this when I cannot explain what exactly is happening ,besides emailing something along the lines of ” Good Afternoon, I’m on route to my appointment this afternoon, but unfortunately the train has come to a stop I have no idea why, or how long this could take but I may be late to the appointment” – I opt not to do this…. at least not just yet.

Thankfully after a few minutes the train begins moving again albeit slowly, but I manage to get to the hospital still with plenty of time and no further hiccups… phew..

The self check in machines are still out of use with an  A4 piece of paper taped onto the screen of  each one reading “out of use please go to reception to check in”

I head to reception and as per usual autopilot my check in with my name, that I have an appointment at XYZ time, and a few yeses to whatever question they will ask whether thats does your mobile number end in xyz, is this still your gp, are you still at the same address or something to this whereabouts.

The receptionist smiles and points towards the door/gate of the patch testing area , I head over and attempt to find a seat. it’s very busy today I assume most must be starting or finishing their treatment and this is the main day for it? as every other time I’ve been here the waiting area hasn’t been too busy whereas today I’m fighting to even find a seat anywhere near the door.

I find a seat albeit further away from the door than I would like , so I’m sat sideways in order to be able to visually see the door to have a better idea of what is going on, I’m getting a few odd looks- but never mind it’s certainly not the first time I’ve raised an eyebrow or two and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

Around 10 minutes later I’m called through the nurse (still the same one- still no idea what her name is and she isn’t wearing a yellow name badge either) comes over and calls me through, leading me through the corridor to the cubicles, even as we do this I notice how busy it is as almost all of the cubicles appear to be occupied and we’re dodging people as we walk through. I’m taken into the last cubicle where the nurse says “you know what to do now, I will leave you to it”

I quickly change into a gown and take a seat, I’ve barely sat down before Dr Izzy appears around the curtain gaining my attention by gently tapping me on the shoulder, she comes in briefly to check my back  and tells me there is still nothing obvious  jumping out at her, before moving onto my right arm where she removes the retest patch of gold, and has a quick look at it, though doesn’t pass comment on it other than telling me we need to wait 10-20 minutes to allow it time to settle.Dr Izzy checks the remainder of my arm, all of which  appear to be settling more than they would anticipate or expect to see in an allergic reaction. Dr Izzy leaves the cubicle telling me she will be back in about 20 minutes once the newly removed patch has had time to settle.

I sit waiting with my back to the curtain for the 20 minutes watching the newly removed patched, convinced this is it, I’m allergic to gold , as the skin in that area appears to have reacted more significantly than on wednesday it presents  red, raised, bumpy and appears to have 3 tiny pin prick size blisters. Naturally of course I Google gold allergy and perform some research about gold in hearing implants just to know my liklihood of being able to be reimplanted again.

Google informs me only 1%  of the population have a gold allergy- this adds up and is most likely going in my favour then isn’t it, after all I hardly do things the easy or “normal” way do I?! so that would defintely check out and be in keeping for me to have an allergy to something that only affects 1% of the population wouldn’t it 

Implant wise Google informs me gold is used in implants such as Cochlear Implants due to it’s high conductivity and  resilence against corosion.. great..  this does not appear to be going in my favour then does it? However it does confirm what I believed that the BAHA does not contain gold- so this doesn’t link up with why I had issues with the BAHA, however the Osia apparently does contain traces of Gold- so this does link. On a positive note though, I do find that the new sentio implant does not contain gold- so this potentially is still viable (If I even have a gold allergy that this) I also find that despite gold often being used for Cochlear implant coils, this doesn’t have to be the case- again reassuring to know.

20 minutes later Dr Izzy returns to check the newly removed gold patch test, she takes a look at the patch and quickly takes a feel of the area as she too can see the raised bumpiness to the skin and the discolouration. Dr Izzy tells me ” ooh I think you might have had a  reaction there, something is defintely happening there isn’t it?” Dr Izzy mentions it may be the pen or tape that has caused the initial reaction, though I’m dubious of this as the whole of my back is covered in the same pen and tape, so surely if it was either of those all of my back would have reacted to it too? but tells me she is going to find one of her consultants to check it, explaining how after this I can get dressed and we will then go and have a chat. Dr Izzy leaves the cubicle drawing the curtains and goes in search of a consultant.

  A few minutes later Dr Izzy returns with Dr Ferguson who takes a look initally neither are too concerned about it, however when they look under the light they’re a little more curious about the potential reaction and well.. the short and sweet of it is, in true Bethan fashion I have another two doctors stumped and baffled as to what is going on. Dr Izzy asks me to get changed and tells me once changed to head to her room for a chat..

I quickly remove the gown and put on my bra, just as I’m about to put on my jumper Dr Izzy comes back in, I’m not phased  by her seeing me nor chatting to me whilst I’m stood in my bra because at the end of the day  she’s a medical professional and has seen it all before, we’re both female, it’s just a body and well.. once you’ve had a child there isn’t much left on the dignity front anyway. 

I pull on my jumper and gather my things.. now what room did she say to go to? and how do I find it? thankfully as I come out of the cubicle I spot Dr Izzy in the corridor, she waves and directs me round into her room.

I take a seat in her room and Dr Izzy discusses everything from the week pulling out my mapping chart, explaining how my back has always been negative and there are no positive allergy reactions there, discussing how we added patches of gold and zinc to my upper right arm and retested it, with that Dr Ferguson pops her head around the door and comes to join us,

Both Dr Izzy and Dr Ferguson  explain that although there very much does appear to be something going on with the gold, for them to be able to say it is an allergic reaction they would have expected the previous test site of the gold to have remained red, bumpy and prominent, whereas instead it has done the complete opposite and is virtually non existent and has faded. They are however very aware that this reaction today is much more noticeable and prominent than previous, but they’re  not sure it’s enough to rule in or out an allergy or positive reaction, querying other factors such as the marker pen or tape- I’m dubious over this theory, just because all of my back is covered in the same pen and tape and surely that would have equally presented in this way?

Dr Ferguson  turns to me and says  “To be honest, even when you first showed us the photos last week, we never thought it was an allergy ,we were very baffled too.”  I asked Dr Ferguson.”What do you think it is, as we’re all in agreement something is reacting or has happened?” Dr Ferguson replies.”I genuinely have no idea, and I  wouldn’t like to say because I’m so baffled. if its not an allergy and its not infection then I’m really sorry to say ,we don’t know”  They reiterate they cannot say it is an allergy for sure as they said to do so they’d like to have seen it on both sites, which if it had remained pink/raised on the initial site they would say it is  an allergy,  Dr Ferguson  explains  from their point of view there is unfortunately nothing more they can do, it is not an allergy but the  gold may potentially be irritating something,  but she does say “By no means does that mean you cannot push forward with another implant if that’s what you, we would not be saying it’s a no from our perspective in our letter to your consultant, if you want to push ahead then absolutely you can and you have our go ahead and we will perhaps recommend you’re given medical grade scrub to use before surgery to keep the microbes down ,not saying you don’t wash your hair but just as another precautionary measure”

We are all in agreement it was worthwhile retesting  even if we are just as if not more confused than we were on Wednesday . Dr Izzy said “I’m really sorry  that we cant tell you what this is and why this is happening to you” ,No honestly  its fine it was still worth doing as it has ruled allergies out, and means we aren’t missing anything obvious. Dr Izzy replies “I’m sorry this has happened and we’re so baffled” Honestly it’s fine don’t worry I appreciate it,but I was always open to the fact this could draw a blank, and honestly you’re not the first to baffled, I have a way of keeping everyone on their toes” I reply back light heartedly

The appointment ends with Dr Izzy and Dr Ferguson agreeing it isn’t worth them seeing me again Monday, and instead have asked if I can send them a photo on Monday of how the site looks, regardless of whether it is still obvious or faded, which I agree to do. Dr Izy explains that they  will  write a letter up for my ENT consultant (Joe) , which they  said should hopefully reach him before my next appointment with him in March

I’m fine about this outcome and I’m taking the positives from it which are: 

we know it is not an infection -minus the staph of course.

It is not an allergic reaction

it’s not eczema

It’s positive in that it narrows possibilities down a bit. but hey you know me .. forever a mystery, but you  wouldn’t have me any other way , life would be far too easy otherwise (though I won’t lie it would be nice once in a while)

once home what had initially looked like blisters now look more like redish whitish spots like a graze, when the dermis becomes exposed, although still raised it is  only ever so slight compared to what it was, which is really bizarre.. Natrually of course it’s only when I get home I realise although I  should now be able to bath/wash as normal , Dr Izzy and Dr Ferguson have asked for photos on Monday.. so can I get my arm wet?  – I will just avoid my upper right arm until Monday to be on the safe side

Guys Hospital Patch Testing Day 3- 07/01/26

Okayyyyy…So that was interesting..

All went well today, everything moving and working efficently despite yet more snow and ice. I again managed to get from work, home, parked, and walk to the train station  with 5 minutes to spare until my train. I arrived in good time to Stratford, Instinctively getting off the train, I head for the tube platform and as there is a crowd and three potential platforms I can use that all go to the hospital , I decide to  follow in order to make things slightly easier, as generally the crowd are going to head for the next to depart and it saves me a job of trying work it out. There were already  two tubes ready waiting on  platforms opposite one another, and so I  continued following the crowd onto the tube , 30 seconds later, the doors shut, and it departed.

I have no idea  how, but some how I find myself standing outside the hospital by 2.55pm, less than an hour after leaving home …  how?! it takes at least 45 minutes by train to get to London, and then the tubes to navigate.. it usually takes a good 90 minutes ,This has to be a new record. I don’t know how I feel about today’s appointment..

 My appointment today  isn’t until 3.30pm ,however I decide to head straight over to the department and  check in, as there isn’t relly anywhere else (that I know of) to go to pass some time.I figure if I head over and check in there is always a possibility I may be able to be seen early, if not at least I’m here and I can sit and read my book for a bit.

The self check in machines ,again are out of use and so I head over to reception and autopilot my way through the check in and explain I’m early the receptionist tells me ” that’s fine I will let them know your here take a seat”  by 3pm I’m checked in and waiting , which is crazy because my train wasn’t even due to arrive into Stratford until 3:03pm and yet some how  I’m  checked in and sat waiting by 3pm?!. 

I spot a nurse come out, though I will admit I didn’t pay attention as the receptionist had only just walked past to let them know I’m here and my appointment isn’t due for another half an hour, so naturally of course I’m not expecting to be called through yet… It however turns out she was in fact calling me, though I don’t realise it until two minutes later after she disappears and returns walking around calling “Harvey, Harvey” – I’m  not sure why she calls me Harvey -especially as same nurse seen since friday, although in fairness I still have no idea what her name is, so it is kind of fair, at least she knows part of my name.

I get up and head over to her when she tells me ” Oh I did call you a minute ago but you did not answer me” – so I assume this means she sae me sitting there waiting? which if this is the case and she remembered me from previous appointments why not come and get me?  (though of course she may not as I expect they see a lot of patients and therfore have a lot of names to remember)  I apologise and explain I’m deaf and I didn’t hear her calling me. (who is this person advocating for themselves and erm what have you done with Bethan?! maybe Harvey is a little more foreward than Bethan is?!)

I followed the nurse  through, we get part way into the corridor when she comes to a sudden stop and asked “can I just check what your date of birth is?” Confused ,as previously I’ve only been asked just before the patch application for the purpose of ensuring they were applying the right patches to the right person, but I  tell  her my date of birth , to which she replies “oh, no well that’s not you then”

I’m now doubly confused “oh sorry was  you not looking for me?” I ask – I mean Harvey could be someone’s first name, and it isn’t that rare a surname either.. ” No, No ,No I’m really sorry. Go sit down,” the nurse tells me, though she hesitates  pointing at the name on her paperwork  “Thats not you, is it?” she questions  — I look.. Bethan Harvey  “Bethan Harvey, yes  that’s me,” I reply. “no,no that’s not you, Harvey , sorry,” comes her reply . I’m very confused that defintely is my name , I explain “Yes that is my name, Harvey is my surname, Bethan is first name” I’m trying to look but equally I’m  also trying  not to look at the paperwork in her hand in case it really isn’t me .

The nurse is also confused now and  asks for my date of birth again. Again, I give it to her .. There’s a pause whilst she looks at the paperwork and processes what I’ve given as my date of birth before she replies “Oh, oh  I’m sorry I’ve read it wrong , I’m looking at that( pointing at my date of birth) thinking I’m looking for todays date”  – Instead of reading my date of birth she was looking for 7th January 2026. It could be worse she could have been adding years to me, I’ll happily accept a year or 30 being knocked off.

 The nurse leads me through to a cubicle – bit of an upgrade as this one has much more room than the previous ones I’ve been put in. The Nurse  tells me ” you know what to do by now, get changed and take a seat”. I do as instructed and I’ve barely sat down when Dr Izzy pops her head into the cubicle and  gains my attention via the mirror before fully entering the cubicle (Absolutely love how she has done this, it’s the little things like this really mean a lot, especially so when I’ve not had to ask)

I’m still facing the wall , like a naughty school child when Dr Izzy pops her head into the cubicle, gaining my attention via the mirror to the right hand side of me before fully entering the cubicle (I absolutely love how she has done this ,it’s the little things like this that mean a lot, especially when they’re done without me having to ask) Dr Izzy asked  about my day before asking  me to turn around so that she could  look at my back. 

Dr Izzy takes  a quick look at my back before asking “Where are the new patches we put on Monday?” I  explain the nurse has put them on the   top of my right arm  because there wasn’t enough  room on my back .Dr Izzy  asked to take a  look, which I said was fine but explained the patches are  still taped up due to the 48hrs not being up until now, and how I  was unsure if they wanted me remove them prior to the appointment ,or not and so I had left them just in case.

Dr. Izzy confirmed  that this was fine and the right thing to have done . “I will just go and get the nurse, and ask her to remove them,” Dr Izzy tells me before changing her mind  saying “oh actually no, I could remove them, couldn’t I? , is that ok?” she asks, “Yes, of course , I’m more than happy for you to, ” I reply . Dr Izzy  looked at the patches and my arm hesitating,  not sure where to start, she found few edges , If I’m honest I think she was scared of hurting me  as she said “ooh erm that’s a bit stuck there”, tried somewhere else and again the tape was stuck .

I reassured her she was fine, and I was happy for her  to just pull it .Dr Izzy wasn’t quite so keen, and that’s absolutely fine she  she would go get a nurse to see if she could do it  “Do you want me to do it?” I called after her as she left the cubicle,   but I don’t think she heard me. The nurse comes in, followed by Dr Izzy  an said “oh I’m really sorry, really sorry Harvey I fotgot remove your patches” I reassure her it’s fine and not her fault I should have reminded her I had them on before she had initially left the cubicle or removed them prior.

The nurse she tried to remove the tape but struggled “oh it’s a bit stuck isn’t it? I’m really sorry this might be a bit painful” I replied “Honestly it’s fine just rip it off” cautiously and hesitantly the nurse asks ” are you sure?” I reply ” Yes, honestly it’s fine,  do you want me to do it?” I offer. The  nurse confirming I was fine for her to do so , rips the stuck tape and patches off- noted it did not hurt and it was not painful.

Dr Izzy took a proper  look at my back and now also at my arm saying “I can’t see anything immediate jumping out on your back.I  can’t really see anything on your arm either are you alright if I go and get my consultant Dr White to take a look , just to ensure I’ve not missed anything?”  Dr Izzy explains Dr White is one of her other consultants, and is  who had decided on Friday for us to add in medical devices and prosthetics to the patch testing”

Dr Izzy, left the cubicle to go in search of Dr White, during which time the  nurse returned to the cubicle as she needed to remark  my back and change some the tapes where they’re a bit of a mess now – all fine she changes the tape and remarks my back before saying “ok thank you that’s it now you can go home we will see you Friday”

confused (Not that it takes much) as I was under assumption Dr Izzy wanted Dr White’s opinion and that I was to wait, but equally also being told by the nurse I could now go , I question what I’m doing. The nurse tells me “yeah you can go now the Doctor has seen you , patches removed and I have remarked your arm and back” The nurse, somewhat equally confused continues ” Unless Doctor has said something to you?” I  explain that I believe Dr Izzy has gone to find Doctor White for him to double check.

The Nurse tells me to wait here, she will go and check  with Dr Izzy. A couple of minutes later the  nurse comes back  “Oh Harvey I just found the doctor ,doctor said she wants you to stay. The patches have been removed off your arm  and we need you to sit in here for 20 minutes to let it settle so we can see if there is a reaction or if it’s just redness from the tape” she explains to me before leaving the cubicle.

Around 30-40 minutes later Dr Izzy came back apologising  for the wait before checking my  arm, when she stopped and said “ooh I think you have actually had a reaction bare with me” and she left the cubicle to grab my chart, checking all of the  mapping and  numbers  before thinking saying “hmm number/square… (I didn’t catch which of the two nor the number) I think you have had areaction to that” I asked do you know what it is you think I’ve reacted to?  Dr Izzy replied ” let me have a look” pauses whilst she looks at the mapping before replying ” Thats gold. I think you have reacted, but bare with me I’m  not sure if its a reaction, but there’s defintely something there and it defintely doesnt look right – it’s a bit raised,pinky, red in colour  bare with me I  want Dr White to  check your back  in case missed anything anyway ” and she headed out of the cubicle in search of Dr White.

I honestly don’t know how I feel, in some ways relief that this could be it, we could potentially have the answer ,but then comes the wave of but then what? what’s next? what can we do (a big question at the moment anyway but does the gold allergy potentially further impact/hinder things?)

A couple of minutes later Dr Izzy returns and gains my attention before speaking “I found Dr Ferguson – the consultant  that popped in see you monday is it alright if she checks your back I figured it makes sense as Dr Ferguson has already seen you”- absolutely fine of course. DR Izzy explains to Dr Ferguson “I just wanted you to double check Bethan  because I’ve checked but can’t see anything jumping out at me as reaction or anything positive”  Dr Izzy then  turned to me an said “I think all is, still  quite negative but I want second pair eyes to check”

  Both Dr Izzy and Dr Ferguson check  my back and I can hear a few  “hmm well theres couple pinky areas here” Dr Ferguson confirms  Dr Izzy is right  nothing on my back is a positive reaction. Dr Izzy then asks her to  look at my arm where they had both agreed to add the new patches Dr Ferguson  took a look, whilst  Dr Izzy pointed out where the gold test has been asking “is that a reaction?” Dr Ferguson’s reply was  “erm hmm.. ermm.” explaining  with the  naked eye it  didnt look that bad, but when they looked at it under a light this was where they were more dubious about it. A lot of twoing and froing, it was decided no the “reaction” (or whatever it is) is too low down.

  Dr Ferguson explained for it be classed as a definte reaction  it should be within the test square, which it wasn’t ,it was  just outside of the square near to the pen and tape line. Dr Izzy posed the question  to Dr Ferguson “what do you  think has caused it then? the tape?”  “Hmm might be, not really sure ,its a bit low down for the gold, but im not convinced its just tape either, its defo something but dont know what it is” Dr Ferguson replied having  another feel.  is it itchy she questioned? No it’s not itchy, but I can feel it/something but wouldn’t describe it as being itchy though.”ok what I want to then if your ok with it, is retest it again, just to see what it does, just because it is lower down than we would expect to see, but there is  defintely  something going on, though I’m  not sure it’s  reaction or not but somethings going on”

I agree to do the retest, on the basis that it will hopefully mean we can fully rule it out, or confirm it as a definte allergy/reaction , it makes sense to do it, than to not especially as both Drs are in agreement something is going on. The Drs tell me that they will let the nurse know and that she will be in shortly to add the new gold sample.

A few minutes later the same nurse (still no clue what her name is) came back and said “Sorry I have got to add one more, you like adding don’t you” I replied “sorry I’m making a lot of additional work for you, yes you wouldn’t believe though I’m awful at maths.. yet I seem to love adding recently”.

The nurse didn’t get my humour, and that’s absolutely fine because I’m not funny anyway – just a bit daft occassionally. The nurse added the patch, placing it  just under where the previous test. The doctors then came back and it was debated whether they should make an  additional  appointment for Monday, as friday falls on the 48hr day when the test gets removed and the first check  for immediate reaction is completed, typically they like to see you a further 48hrs after this to recheck for any delayed reactions.

I must admit I’m hoping this is not the case- logistically I can see it being a nightmare with childcare and I can’t see it landing too well with my parents, Monday’s are also BSL class nights and this coming Monday is a face to face class, meaning it’s going to be near on ,if not fully impossible to get from London- home and to the BSL class on time. Equally though , I know health comes first, and if needs must then.. well, I guess needs must.. 

I, of course, not share this with them because, as I say, health comes first .Dr Ferguson decides I will probably want to get back to “normal life”- not quite sure what that is?! and will most likely want to shower-I absolutely cannot wait to be able to do so, The only downfall with adding more patches is there’s an increasing number of areas I can not wash or get wet.. currently, I can only wash the front of me, one and a half arms ,both legs and bottom- so at least the smell bits are clean.. but it’s not quite the same strip washing as it is to get in the shower or bath.

I leave the hospital at 4pm , defintely went in my favour of being seen early today otherwise I probably would not have left until around 5pm, if not later and been travelling in the full brunt of rush hour.

I arrive home and very soon after my arrival home ,my parents leave to go home and my daughter bursts into tears crying “I really missed you” , “I want you” , “I need you” .I was baffled where and why had this come from? what was wrong? had something happened at school? had something happened whilst my mum took care of her?  she eventually sobs on me “Mummy I thought I was going to lose you, I thought you were gone forever,” and getting herself into the right state. I’m still baffled. Where has this come from? 

I, of course, reassured and calmed her, telling her Mummy always come back, Mummy will never leave you. “Mummy, why are you home so late from work?” I reminded and explained that Mummy had an appointment after work.”The train takes too long, Mummy. I never want to lose you forever never ever see you again” Again still very baffled what she was on about, and what had brought this all on I promised and reassured her that Mummy is fine, Mummy is not going anywhere and you are not loosing me now or ever. “Please don’t, Mummy, you’re my best friend.”

I again. No words and no idea where this has all come from. Has someone mentioned a relative going into hospital and passing away? or? where and how has she got this idea into her head? It was incredibly hard to fight back my own tears. There are lots of extra cuddles and reassurance that Mummy is not poorly, yes having tests and lots of appointments, but Mummy is absolutely fine. She tells me she had been crying whilst my mum has had her (no idea if this is true or not as my mum doesn’t tell me things like this ,which I get because it is upsetting, but equally my little girl tells me everything)

The only thing I can think is has she remembered 2024, when I was in and out of hospital admissions and having a lot of appointments and this week has brought all of that back up for her again? The only time shes known me have so many appointments in such a small time frame was then, so could this be it? I believe that this is the case as she later on kept asking me “Mummy do you have a fection? are you bleeding?”

It broke my heart hearing her talking like this and how much of an impact 2024 has had on her, as prior to everything that happened in 2024 she never once bat an eyelid at me having appointments, or seeing as she calls Joe “Ear doctor Joe” and operations etc >I’m unsure if this week has brought all of those worries and fears back for her ,as I never leave her -It’s always me who does the school runs, school pick ups.club runs, etc.. I hope now more than ever that they don’t need to add Monday on as an additional appointment because I’m not sure she will cope.

We had a long conversation at bedtime about feelings and how it is ok to feel sad,angry, worried and validating all of her emotions and feelings and sharing how even as adults I and every adult have feelings too giving her examples such as when she’s at school how I wonder what shes up to and whether she’s having a good day, when she first started school how I was sad because she was getting so big and grown up, but equally how excited I was for her to have lots of fun and make new friends.

Patch Test Day 2 -05/01/26

I awoke this morning to find, as the weatherforcast had very much predicted.. it was indeed icey… and snowing .. brilliant.. just perfect, of course it is .. We all know how snow, ice, and public transport very much do not mix, so  tell me why I have a horrible feeling about today….

Any other week or day, this wouldn’t be that big  an issue (minus trying to get to work, of course), however, this week is.. patch testing  week, and today is day 2.. which means I need to be seen at Guys Hospital. The weather very much could cause absolute havoc, so much as one missed appointment sets me back , meaning having to  redo the whole series of four appointments from day 1 again, which would be typical given the uncomfortable nights sleep I’ve had the past couple of nights and the carnage that was removing the tests yesterday afternoon – It was eventful to say the least… there was laughter,panic, stress and a whole bundle of voice notes to my cousin of ” I’m stuck” , and a whole array of laughter as I attempted to re mark each of the patch squares, and rewrite the numbers onto  my own back with a marker pen, with only so much as a mirror for guidance… oh dear.. is all I will say.. though I got there in the end, it definitely took far longer than if I had help to do it.  I’m not sure I  recommend attempting this one solo – it’s doable, but by no means an easy feat, it is most definitely something that requires another person to assist.

Oh.. I also had a massive panic Sunday that a whole strip of numbers had completely disappeared from my back . I could not see them anywhere and the area where they had been felt sticky.. I frantically searched everywhere my pyjamas in case it had become stuck to them, the pillows,bed sheers,duvet, dressing gowns, and clothing all to no avail.

I decide the only thing I can do is to rewrite the numbers on to some spare tape and attempt to stick them onto my back..

I then take this photo. Only to realise..not only have I put the newly numbered tape on wonky, but the original is still very much there.

Thankfully a quick look on the Greater Anglia and TFL websites showed everything to be  moving, running and working as usual, which is perfect and all I need to know right now, though I sincerely hope more snow is not on the way for today..

I have work today before my appointment, though yes it is going to be tight to finish work, get home,park the car, get to the train station and get into London,  I feel it’s doable… just about ,it will be tight, but I think it’s doable . I didn’t feel I could ask for the time off as this is literally my first week back after the christmas break and  more accurarely today is my first day back.. even more reason why I absolutely couldn’t take today off, especially having appointments on Wednesday and Friday of this week too , I just felt it wouldn’t look great, would leave the team short and generally I just could not do it.

Thankfully the snow and ice did not cause any issues for me driving into work or with the car park at work ,thankfully despite the snow and ice on the roads  I was able to safely drive into work and get parked, so far so good .. I don’t want to jinx it but so far everything appears to be going according to plan.. which is unheard of when it comes to me, but I’m taking it..

This afternoon I found myself to be in luck again, as the snow held off and the traffic getting home from work was on my side, so much so I managed to get home ,park my car ,walk to the train station ,get my ticket and be on the platform four minutes before my train departed. tight -yes, but I did it and that’s with the added snow and ice to contend with.

Unfortunately, though that is where my luck ran out,  I should have known it was all going too plain sailing…. what an absolute nightmare of a journey that was  !.. My appointment was booked for 3:30pm and I quite literally arrived bang on 3:30pm ,though I  still needed to check in, I was here, in the department and waiting on the next receptionist become avaliable.

Despite having got the 2pm train which had departed on time, the issues began when I reached Stratford to get the tube, clearly the tubes had that Monday feeling and had absolutely no idea what they were doing, nor did anyone else for that matter!

Two out of the three tube platforms, had tubes ready to go, of course being deaf, I had no clue which was due to depart first, looking at the board I realised the platform I so happened to be standing on ,was in fact the one to depart first.Perfect, naturally of course I get on the tube as soon as I step foot onto the tube the platform board updates with “Ready ,Ready to depart” perfect could not have timed that better, or so I thought.. I had hoped the tube would depart any second and I could get to the hospital earlier than anticipated with the hope of potentially getting seen earlier ,therfore getting home earlier to  hopefully see my daughter before she goes to bed.

A  few minute later the tube still hasn’t departed , the board  still displaying this is the next to depart, everyone continues waiting for the next few minutes  when all of a sudden lots of people run off of the tube , darting to the next platform directly across from us. Those of us who haven’t dashed across look around confused as to what and why they have done this. Numerous people stick their head out checking the board, no update, no change, the board still “reads  next to depart ” ready,ready to depart”

One minute later, the board updates and a tannoy is announced that the tube will now be departing in seven minutes (huge thanks to the couple next me for repeating this information otherwise I would have no clue) The remaining passengers disembark, dashing across to the other platform, of course the second I step off and head across to the next platform , the tube shut it’s  doors and off it went… so much for a seven minute delay!

I head across to yet another platform, and as  I set foot on this one, a  tube pulls into the third platform and two minutes later pulls out, everyone is up in arms having no clue what or why the tubes are not departing in order according to the board, and therefore virtually they’re virtually if  not completely empty.

The tube I’m on  is rammed , we all just about shuffled over enough for someone to squish in , now another has come and gone – again another announcement, luckily someone next to me was repeating it for someone else so i was able to catch it  ” this is next to depart it  will leave in 1 minute ” ok no issues. with that another tube pulls into one of the other platforms, everyone is  dubious eyeballing it, checking the board no this is still the next to go , 2 mins later the newly pulled in tube .. you guessed it.. departs – announcement came over as someone  waiting on platform shouted through to us all you do know the one on 14 is going in 1 minute , someone else had got wind of the same mesaage further up the tube , seconds later the whole tube which was crammed evacuated ran across to opposite platform all got squashed in on 14, then the one on  15 left. everyone is kicking off shouting “what is going on?

I decide whatever happens I’m staying put I can’t keep up with this game of hokey cokey and figure sooner or later the tube I’m on will have to depart, anyway.. thankfully sooner rather than later this plan worked ,though mind you by the time I arrived I may as well have got some lunch and got a later train..

Admittedly I initially arrived at the hospital with 9 minutes to spare until my appointment, however I was absolutely bursting to go to the toilet (I had not been since I left home this morning for work) Of course with Guys being a new hopsital to me, I had no clue where the toilets were, but equally I knew I had no hope of holding it until after my appointment had finished , I had no other option than to find a toilet, figuring it couldn’t be that hard, nor take that long.. right? The nearest I could find were right round by the main entrance – I had found a short cut to bypass the main entrance to get to the dermatology department . By the time I had found the toilets, queued as there were only around 5 cubicles and two entrances to the the toilets and they were rather busy, used the toilet and washed my hands  and managed to retrace my steps back to the dermatology department it was bang on 3:30pm.. and I still had to check in..

I had hoped the self check in machines would be back up and running today , in the hope it would help speed things up , unfortunately though they were out of use , and so I had to check in face to face at reception- all of the receptionists were to the right hand side of me and behind perspex screens, I peer my head around so as I could see if anyone was free- as of course I cannot hear someone on the right of me.The nearest receptionist shouts as I look in their direction  “NO I’m going home, I’m  finished for the day”

A few seconds later I spot a raised hand from behind the perspex. I walk over to the desk nearest the raised hand and explain to the receptionist I have an appointment at 3:30 and apologise profusely for checking in late ,explaining I had been unexpectedly caught up in a  fiasco with the tubes .The receptionist was super kind and told me “no don’t  be silly it is not a problem at all , you haven’t been called yet, take a seat”

3:40 I’m called through by the same nurse who placed the patch test on Friday, I’m led through the double doors and through to a cubicle, where I’m told to get undressed, put on a gown and sit on the chair before drawing the curtains as she left the cubicle – yes she did tell me which way to sit on the chair and made sure I was fully aware on how to sit on a chair, so as not to encounter the odd encounter of me straddling a chair again- I do not blame her whatsoever for this.I assumed the nurse would be just outside of the curtain like she had been Friday and that she would return in a minute or two, check the patches and my skin and I would be on my way.

I change and sit on the chair as instructed facing the wall with my back to the curtain- not ideal being deaf, to not be able to instantly see someone’s face when they come in, so I opt to have my head turned looking over my shoulder .I was rather surprised and a little confused when the curtain opened to see Dr Izzy walk into my exposed open back and the back of my head – though a much better sight than the one the poor nurse had on Friday.

A few minutes later Dr Izzy comes in  and manages to get my attention in the full length mirror to the side of me so that I’m aware she is there-Love that she did this. I turn to face her and she tells me she’s just going to get some gloves  and then she will be with me. A moment or two later Dr Izzy returns with the gloves and goes to talk to me when she spots one of her consultants walk past, before calling them over and introducing them to me , all I manage to catch is Dr F.. Dr Izzy explains my history to Dr F ” This is Bethan, she has been referred to us from UCLH due to her hearing implant reacting” Dr Izzy asked me to remind her of the implant makes and models . Dr F asked “oh were they or have they ever been itchy” I explained no the implants have never been itchy. Dr F understandably confused asked ” can you explain what happens then as I don’t understand” I went through what has happened with various infections, skin overgrowth, swelling, the fluid build up etc and showed photos of the BAHA and Osia overgrown and swollen vs what they should look like. Dr F instantly after looking at the photos said “well that’s an allergic reaction” before asking what is in each of the implants explaining she was playing catch up.

Dr Izzy and Dr F both asked if I could turn around now, so that they could have a look at the patches to check my skin and see if I have had any reactions, this part was a struggle as both Dr Izzy and Dr F were talking to each other whilst checking my back, due to facing the opposite way I was unable to lipread or work out what they were saying , all I managed to catch was “reaction” “reactive”  “zinc”, “add”, “gold” ..or at least I think I did..  which is not much help at all because that could mean quite literally one of many things such as : 

1. They were pointing out an area (s) that have had a reacted/ are reactive
2. They were saying nothing has reacted if it was reactive it would like ..xyz
3. Dr F was explaining to Dr Izzy what it would look like if it was a reaction/ reactive area
4. gold has reacted
5. zinc has reacted
6. gold is reactive
7. zinc is reactivea
8. add gold
9. add zinc
10. add something because something is reactive
11. add something to notes/file

   

Dr F asked Dr Izzy about what is in the implants I’ve had ,as obviously by this point I was totally unable to communicate or lipread ( I only know of this conversation because Dr Izzy later into the appointment told me about it) Dr Izzy told her she had researched into it over the weekend and found that the Osia is titanium apart from the magnet, both then researched on Dr Izzy’s phone where she had previously been looking it up .The only other things they could find was Zinc (the batteries)  and that the Osia also contains gold. Dr Izzy explained to me about this conversation and how they had both decided if I’m ok with it to test for gold.Dr Izzy explained that the patch test for gold may be unnecessary , however they feel seeing as we still have time to do it during this series of appointments it makes sense to do it, however she did explain that it can in some people cause discolouration to the skin which can last months or in some cases years. I agree to the test even with the risk of discolouration to the skin, because I figure the benefits of doing the test outweigh the potential of a oddly coloured patch of skin for a while. Dr Izzy asked Dr F what she needed to write today reactive or not reactive “no reaction” Dr F replied. Dr Izzy told me she would let the nurse know that we’re adding patches and that she would be in soon and how she will see me on Wednesday before leaving the cubicle.

A few minutes later the nurse came in to add the zinc and gold patches to my collection , the nurse – I still don’t know what she said her name was takes a look at my back to see if and where she can add them. The nurse however cannot find any remaining space on my back for these additional patches to be added, so asks if she can put them onto my upper arm- absolutely fine by me. Adding on of the new patches takes a matter or seconds, if not minute. Once in place the nurse secures them downwith tape and marks them with a marker pen, I’m instructed to leave them for 48 hours and then to remove the patches and remark the squares and numbers- this will prove much easier than when I had to do this on my back, especially as they’re on my right arm and I’m left handed -so that defintely goes in my favour though doesn’t add any additonal humour elements this time around.

I’m then free to go home, which, of course, I miss the 4.40pm  train home by literally one second, which is just typical of my luck. Thankfully, it isn’t long until the next train. I get home and have a quick bit of time to give my daughter a kiss and cuddle goodnight before getting my things ready for BSL – luckily tonight is an online night so I don’t have to rush to get out the door. I manage to grab a quick cup of tea and a packet of crisps before it’s time to log on.

Patching Testing- Night 1

I’ve always said I would be completely honest and open and share the highs,lows, and everything in between.

Last night was certainly a long night, though the patch tests themselves are not itching or causing irritation ,which is great. I did, however, find last that I was very uncomfortable and struggled to sleep. 

I was handed a piece of paper as I left the hospital yesterday afternoon titled  “How to Care for your patch test,” The leaflet stated, “You must try to sleep on your back. “.. I’m not a back sleeper at all, I’m  a side foetal position sleeper. I can, however, totally understand why they say sleep on your back because it means, of course, all of the patches are completely flat, and there is no risk of the tests moving or falling off. 

I tried.. really tried , I spent over two hours wide awake on my back, unable to get comfortable- though I must admit I have generally been uncomfortable as the tape is restricting movement, so sitting,standing or bending are proving quite tricky as is sleeping. The remainder of the night was spent with me either attempting to stay flat and roll onto my front, thinking surely this could be the next best option because I’m still flat, right? And slightly more comfortable matching my typical sleep position slightly more, though this too proved uncomfortable.Every slight movement I made I could feel the tape pulling, not willing to conform with the new said comfortable position.

A wriggly small person just as I had got somewhat comfy, climbed into mummy’s bed so I then had to contend with a tiny person who was hellbent on laying on top of me or within such close proximity that I physically couldn’t move unless I opted to fall out of bed onto the floor.. mind you, that could have been a potential way of keeping everything in place right if she had laid on my back…right?.. noted perhaps that’s the way to go tonight ,small person applied directly on my back to keep the patches firmly in place?!

I woke this morning to find I couldn’t pull my top down ,nor could I take it off because I had infact become stuck to the tape, that was certainly an interesting challenge to use a mirror and having to attempt to use limited visual and gently feel around under my stuck top to attempt to gently unpeel the tape off of my top and back onto my back🤣 good job I love a challenge hey.

I think today is going to be very  heavily coffee fuelled , I’m just hoping once the majority of the tape is removed – my next challenge tomorrow afternoon that it will make it slightly easier to move and get comfortable to sleep… here’s hoping anyway..

Guys Hospital Patch Test Day 1- 02/01/2026

The journey into London  didn’t exactly get off to the best of starts.  Despite still being on my work christmas holidays and being able to leave early to get the train (which I did) I quickly ran into delays on arrival at my local train station  where I arrived to find all three of the self service ticket machines to be out of use, not ideal but not exactly the worst thing in the world either. 

Entering the train station I began  planning a script ready to autopilot the conversation  with ticket staff as best I could  -It’s been a while since I’ve had to do this as I opt to use self service purely for ease of not missing conversation or information and most importantly… I haven’t used a staffed ticket office since having a disabled persons railcard, am I embarrassed to have it ? no…  am I embarrased to use it.. .. maybe… ok .. yes- unless self serve where I can  and do select it myself why?  I don’t like  making a big deal out of my deafness  nor do I like admitting my weaknesses and I suppose for me , deafness is one of those “weaknesses” because it’s not seen to be the “norm” and despite it being normal for me , it is also what sets me apart from others, leaves me vulnerable, open to judgement and  makes me different, creating barriers others don’t face. Though in reality by being too scared to simply say “I have a disabled persons railcard “at a staffed ticket office is probably making a big deal out of it, but equally it’s that having to address “hey I’m different” thing for me.

Anyway, thankfully I had plenty of time , more time than I anticipated to prescript my conversation as the couple in front of me in the queue were dithering trying to collect tickets, comparing prices,  changing their minds, leaving the window to go to the platform and speak to family members travelling with them, returning, relaying information,questioning the ticket office staff on what felt like everything he said to them..

Eventually  satisfied they get their tickets and go to the platform , I am then called forward literally one minute after my train had departed due to the couple faffing about .

Thankfully it was easy enough to navigate and you know what? the part I was most nervous about- the disabled persons railcard, the ticket officer barely batted an eyelid and did not care one bit that I had it or that I was using it- he barely even glanced at it .Noted do not ever feel embarrassed for using something you are entitled to and need, others really do not care and if they do that’s on them and the bigger question is why do they have an issue with it? it is not your issue.

Luckily  train wise things worked out fine , as I  some how still managed to get into  London in good time though, it took me a bit of time to figure it out and get my barings, with  this being a  new route and hospital. I as usual had planned the journey and google maped everything to give me visuals of the the route. It took me a short while to work out how to get across to the platform at Straford, but I got there and figured it out- herd mentality style (following the crowds) however from  London Bridge  looked different  to what it  did on google maps  as it brought me out somewhere different to where it showed on maps, but thankfully the hospital is literally across the road, so although I had come out at a slightly different area to what google mpas had shown it wasn’t horrific to work out, as long as I came out the right station exit- which thankfully I did.

The inside of the hospital also looked different to  the hospital website -something that should have been on my right wasn’t it was instead much further down and something else was in its place, so my first bench mark wasn’t there which complicated things slightly- for example the  coffee shop that showed as  being outside atrium two was instead inside of atrium 2.

Once I figured out where to go- which really didn’t prove too difficult at all I reached the waiting area and reception  which was  huge, massively high ceiling- glass, very wide area and a main corridor running through it , crazy echoey (see video below for reference)…

A deaf persons worst nightmare, I thought to myself ok , no need to worry just yet they have self check in machines I’ll just use that to check in and then just worry about hearing my name when that happens. The first self check in machine I reached was out of use, ok no bother I’ll just move along to the next one- same issue, ok no bother I’ll go to the next, again faced with the same issue I had no other option but to head to the reception desk and check in.

Reaching the reception desk and queuing  to the right hand side- as arrows instructed,  I  autopiloted the check in (at least attempted to) , like I  do at UCLH  with my  name, appointment  time and ready with a “yes” to confirm additional information such as date of birth, phone number, GP practice or home address.

The receptionist called me forward and  was trying to ask me questions to find me in their sytstem- I  say trying because I was  very much struggling with hear her. Meanwhile the other two receptionists further down the  desk shouted over to the receptionist helping me  “patch test, patch test”  Which further complicated things for me .I  apologised to the receptionist that  I couldnt hear her but also her colleagues talking/shouting over her was not helping she explained very matter of factly  to me -“oh they’re just saying you’re here for patch testing” –  fair enough , as I hadn’t much clue what was going on and was most likely  making the receptionists job harder so it was absolutely valid of her colleagues to step in and help, however the  approach wasn’t ideal and in my opinion could have been handled differently, such as  if they had gone over to the receptionist and told her this information to help her.  Eventually we got there and I was told to take a seat on the right, though no indication as to where exactly on the right….

I found a space and took a seat (of course I wasn’t sat in the right place – this is me after all and that would be far too easy and plain sailing) . I turn my head to the right and  notice  a teeny sign – smaller than a4 that read “If you are here for patch testing  please sit as close as possible to gate B”  which was confusing as there were no physical gates, or anything resembling a gate-  quite literally there was the main corridor that ran through the waiting area, three self check in kiosks, The reception desk ,   waiting area, a couple of vending machines  and two sets of double doors- so I assume the gates are doors? but surely it would be easier calling them doors? on reflection though I suppose the ENT hospital call them zone A, B and C- but this makes more sense than Gates personally…

I get up and wander around ,trying to find gate B, naturally of course I’m not wearing my glasses because again that would just make things too easy. I’m wandering around squinting getting up close to everything to attempt to read it I must have looked like the Pug in Bluey Grannies Mobile (if you know you know)

The information  board in the middle of the waiting area  displays  patient names, appointment times tells you which gate to sit at , which room to go to and even when you’ve been called through/ the room is ready for you – naturally of course, this appears to be for everything beside patch testing- well at least my name isn’t there anyway.  Though I will admit I was quietly relieved, as I can’t even locate a gate, let alone a room especially as they’re not numbered 1,2,3 etc ,but instead code like such as M12D I mean I guess once through the doors /gates the rooms would be clearly numbered and sign posted but this is me after all… but from a deaf perspective it would have been an absolute lifesaver if it had.

I manage to successfully Locate the gate – which turns out to be a set of double doors , the next hurdle.. all of  the seating is  to the right hand side of the door – looking outwards to the waiting area, as opposed to towards the door – meaning when I’m called they will be calling from the right of me- my profoundly deaf side, and I equally will be unable to lip read due to chair positioning (no the chairs don’t unfortunately move so I can’t even move it  as they’re fixed to the floor)  This is certainly going to prove interesting to say the least… I sit with my face facing towards the door, whilst the rest of my body remains facing straight across the waiting area- this could hurt later but it’s my only hope of catching my name.

Thankfully and most reassuringly I was not the only person who was confused and baffled as a number of other patients wandered about confused  stopping staff passing by to help navigate their way to various rooms and areas.

It wasn’t long before a red haired doctor called me through- though naturally of course I  miss my name but  I notice nobody else gets up or moves, so by a process of elimination I assume it must be me (Though I do double check once reaching the staff member) can you just imagine if i’ve got up and its Mr John Smith whose double my age and here for something entriely different

I’m led into a room where she introduces herself as Dr Izzy, she explains her role and the aim of the appointments and asks “am I right in believing you have been referred to us? and am I right in believing it was our colleagues at UCL dermatology who referred you?”

Dr Izzy whilst looking at my notes asks  “why it is you think I’ve been referred” quickly interjecting “oh it shows here on your notes that you’ve been referred to us due to eczema flares to your hearing implant” 

My reply back isn’t an entirely convincing- urhh yeahhh ,  “go on” encourages Dr Izzy .. I explain the notes are right , but not quite as straightforward as that, I’m  prompted to continue and explain.

I explain Dr Izzy is exactly right in everything she’s said but personally I  do not believe it is eczema – though of course I’m not medically trained or a medical expert.  I explain about how I first got a hearing implant in 2014 “oh what a cochlear?” Dr Izzy questions. I’m pleased she knows this much -not everyone does. No but your not far out , its an implant made by the same company/manufactor I reply.

I explain all of the issues I had with the BAHA starting from a few months after having the BAHA  where I began getting infections- these were never investigated as BAHA abutments are known for infections.  I  got a lot of infections within a few months- all in line and normal for the implant but just shy of a year I got an infection that nobody was able to get on top of resulting in being admitted into hospital, from then  things went  downhill- The infections became more frequent ranging from every few months to every few weeks to the point that as fast as antibitoics were finished the infection was back. I was asked about medications and treatments for this and so I mentioned about  the revision surgery that was done after antibotics and creams  proved no help, to prevent further overgrowth of skin and the level of pain I expirenced after that operation that lasted years before I came under Joe Manjaly’s care when we then made the decision to remove the BAHA.- Dr Izzy  replied “that is not eczema”

Doctor Izzy asked what had happpened after the BAHA was  removed, I explained how it had taken longer than planned to heal due to post op infection ,but once healed I was implanted with an Osia instead , at this point izzy interjected “sorry to be really silly here,but what’s the difference?” -Not silly at all, I explained the Osia is shallower and is not implanted as deep, it’s much nearer surface, uses magnet and that everything internal  (minus the processor) , that healed really well. Two weeks later (The night before Activation) The Osia site had begun bleeding along the suture line, randomly out of the blue – no itching, irritation, knocks or bumps etc. Due to how minor it was I was advised to keep an eye on it and activatiom went ahead as planned

.A matter of weeks later ,the whole Osia site was illuminous red and swollen. I  was not aware of it, nor could I feel it, no itching, no pain,nothing .Mum was the one to notice and took a photo to show me,  a photo I sent to the ENT Hospital Thursday  evening, by Monday aftenoon I was in London at the ENT Hospital for an urgent appointment- I was then admitted into hospital for 4 days

Dr Izy asked what they treated it for, I explained it it was treated as an  aggressive infection , however… Blood tests showed my infection markers were only ever so slightly elevated, so much so they were virtually non existent – Not at all in keeping with it’s presentation- Dr Izzy  commented “that’s really weird”..

Two weeks after coming home , I ended up being readmitted- again  -swollen and red. A fluid build up was found – Dr Izzy commented “oh that makes sense”,  that was until I explained there was only 1ml of fluid built up- again not in keeping with the presentation , this time I remained in hospital for 6 days . Five weeks  later the site began leaking yellow discharge -A staph infection. I showed photos as requested ,Dr Izzy took one look before  saying “that is not eczema what did  UCL dermatology say?”  I reply explaining how the dermatology team haven’t  physically seen it, they have only ever seen  photos but have said it is eczema/eczema triggered,  to which Dr Izzy  said that’s not eczema, The chances of it being eczema are near on zilch, I have never seen eczema like that.

We then went through questionaires of questions such as have you ever dyed your hair- yes, used makeup- absolutely, false eyelashes- yes (never again though), nail varnish- yes , acrylic nails- no , do you have hayfever- no, any family  history of hayfever-yes , eczema -yes and  any reactions- no apart from one time with the glue from lashes- hence never again… After answering these she  said she would go speak to her consultant Dr White to  see what he wants to do and what exactly they could do for me, it was explained to me that they have  to patch test   as  routine for the most common allergens , but they could also  add  other things if they feel the need to do so, which she was fairly confident they  would most likely do, especially as ..shock horror “your case is quite unique”.. I mean what can I say ?!

After a discussion  with Dr White, it was decided that they would be  adding in prosthetics and medical devices too to cover all bases.- which makes sense as anything implant related should fall under one or both of those categories. “Can I ask, you don’t have to answer, but have you always been deaf?” Dr Izzy nervously asked – Of course I don’t mind answering and so I confirm I have indeed, always been deaf on the right with no hearing at all as I have  Microtia. My left has only been diagnosed since the age of 16, but it’s suspected I have been loosing hearing in my left since early childhood.  Dr Izzy followed up by asking  have the implants always been on both sides? I  explained no, I’ve  only ever been implanted on the  right ,”oh ok do they have to be on the right? is there possibility of putting somrthing left side?” Dr Izzy questioned – I explain my right has been the only one to be implanted due to being fully deaf, and as far as I’m aware there isn’t anything preventing my left being implanted but it isn’t something that has been discussed. Dr Izzy explained she only asked because she could always put in her letter of recommendation that I’m  implanted on my left with a Cochlear Implant or something similar.

I assumed that was it for today, essentially a meet and greet to get a plan in place , however that was not the case as Dr Izzy finished by asking me  to sit in the waiting area and to wait for a nurse to call me through- told you my luck is great- brand new underwear, and my favourite jumper are now at risk of potentially not being much good – but it is my own fault I should have known better and  worn something old just in case.

I only waited a few minutes before a  nurse called me through , it was very  difficult for me to understand or hear her  as she was wearing  a  mask. I was led  through to a curtained off  cubicle – where she  explained she was going to patch test me – she explained to me she had laid out all  of the samples (see photo below)  before instructing me to take off my  top and bra , put on a  gown and to then sit on the chair (This next  part is crucial information)  she tapped the back of the chair  pointing towards where she had laid out the samples before leaving the cubicle for me to get changed –  I did as instructed undressed , put on the gown and sat on the chair in the direction she had indicated  and awaited her return .

A few uncomfortable minutes later, The nurse came in instantly shocked and rather alarmed  ” oh no Harvey ,no,no  not that way turn around”..yes I had indeed made a right idiot of myself as I had indeed unnecessarily straddled the chair, for absolutely no reason other than to make probably give the nurse and the rest of the team a good laugh later on, luckily I can laugh at myself and my stupidity .I made a light hearted joke about it before expressing my confusion that she had tapped the back of the chair  pointing towards the tests”.   “oh no, no, no you need to face the curtains”..

Once I had finally established how to sit on a chair, because yes it very much turns out I do need to be told how to do such things, the remainder of the appointment was difficult, but in a different sense, in that the nurse was standing behind me the whole time applying the patches, whilst  chatting away to me , meanwhile I had no idea what she was saying and  couldn’t understand her, not only due to her having to be stood behind me in order to apply the patches, and wearing a  mask, but also because to the left of me I could  hear the patient and nurse in the next cubicle chatting.

I had been  told  to keep my phone in my hand (hence the amount  photos) To record the results they take photos your phone, so if you  have a reaction to anything in future,they can refer back to those photos for anything up to 3 months later. Due to not being able to participate much to the conversation and the fact I was still a little mortified at my disaster, it felt like the application took ages, but in actual fact it was a mere 10 minutes or so. The nurse then filled out some documents before numbering the tests on my back , and holding up a roll of tape to show me , all I caught was the word  “home” naturally of course I’ve put two and two together assuming the holding up of the tape and the word home meant do you have some at home ,so  I’ve replied ” Yes ”  to which  the nurse replied “ok,ok thats good” – probably thinking phew thank goodness for that she understands something. After my back had been marked and taped, she took photos at each point.

I was told that on  Sunday, I would need to remove all of the patches myself . I  questioned next Sunday? “No, this Sunday 2 days time – 48hr time”  All of it  comes off but not the numbers the nurse explained .Monday I need to come back without the patches, just strips of tapes with the  numbers and a  photo of what it looked like on removal of the patches, explaining that they will then check my  skin for any reactions .

I was slightly  confused as I thought the patches would be put on Monday,  then removed and checked at Wednesday’s appointment, before being  rechecked and given results on Friday , now im not too sure what is happening exactly,  but never mind I  will find out along the way – hoping nothing leaks through my new bra and jumper , been given a marker pen to remark back on sun so this could be interesting an a hilarious challenge . getting home was a nightmare- retraced my steps back to the tube station- right, across road, up escalators ,find platform- no, only way to get back is via st thomas street- according to google maps- one opposite is shard wuater or something to that demise, so wandered around trying to figure out where it was- st thomas hosp in different area london, back down escalator, back over the road to guys hosp, then looked at info board which said guy hosp an st thomss tube entrance straight ahead, so thought ok maybe go past main entrance of hosp must be there, nothing kept ealking up uncase further up, no,got to guys cancer centre-futtheest pat of the hosp- no, past that- no, wa\lkback to where statted as signs stopped, everything was pointing way i had just walked, so thought it must be near main entrance then , what is going on, got top of road, st thomas street tube sign showed turn  left-signs either misleading or i just did a rubbish job reading them. few min walk but nevr mind. once there is easy find platofrm as can only get to two platofrms from that entrance so cant go too far wrong, got off stratford-maxe an half, had to try navifate again, go up stairs, then down stairs to get to platform -train on platform going somewhere totall differet, did not stop my way at all, feared on wrong platform – wasnt it was next train along i needed. appt 20 min ,ended in 1hr -3pm I’m free to go.

they’re certainly not messing about  and are  being thorough with their testing, but absolutely it is for the best. I  just about managed to put  my bra on  after but we roll , I love a good challenge and laugh and this is certainly one of those moments I look forward to the self removal on Sunday , I can only imagine and picutre how that’s going to go down, but hey ive rebandaged/ taped my head with steri strips so i’m game for the challenge.. whar can possibly go wrong?!

A New Year, A New Chapter, A Familiar Fight

Happy New Year. How is your new year looking? Any resolutions? Any goals you want to achieve? 
For me personally, I haven’t set any, and my goals for the year really are rather simple. Just get through and survive it. 


In true me style, despite it only being the 2nd of January, I am indeed already on a train and on my way to London for my first hospital appointment of 2026, and you know what ? After approximately a 9 month break. I’m ready. I’m ready for it. I’m ready to come back stronger  fighting and  try to find answers ,so let’s  get back on that horse.. let’s do this.

I’m beginning 2026 under 3 hospitals/departments:

UCLH Royal National ENT 
UCLH Mortimer Market …

And also as of today…..

Guy’s Hospital 

I’m heading over today for my first of 5 dermatology appointments (4 with them,1 with UCLH) for patch testing to see if the reactions with both the Cochlear BAHA and Osia were caused due to an allergy or reaction to something used either in the surgery or the actual implant/ processors themselves, if anything.

I won’t lie,I’m dubious, my gut instinct telling  me it won’t show anything, I’m not sure if that’s the best outcome or not. To be honest, I don’t think there is actually a “best outcome”

 In the case of no allergy being detected then of course that’s a great thing, however it means the reason as to why everything happened is still very much a mystery.

if an allergy is detected, then that’s great because it answers why everything happened, and then perhaps I can stop blaming and telling myself I’ve done something wrong to cause it, however this also isn’t great in the sense that it could impact any future implants and shape things so differently that my options could be all the more limited if leaving us with any option

I think ultimately I’m hoping for a negative result (no reactions) because then, although a mystery, it doesn’t potentially (hopefully) stop us moving forward with my hearing.. or lack of more accurately.. 

Either way , I’m ready, though. Whatever it holds,I can and will handle it. Answers or no answers, this is the right thing to do to move forward. I have to at least try to find out,know, and understand.


I believe today’s appointment is to just meet with the team/one of the doctors as a pre appointment to the patch testing  (at least I hope so as I’m wearing one of my favourite jumpers and brand new underwear- something recommended against on testing days) .

I’m somewhat nervous  with a new journey to navigate and new voices – UCLH I’ve very much memorised and know by heart. I know the teams and have continuity of care ear wise anyway. Will I, won’t I hear my name being called? How many attempts is it potentially going to take for me to hear? Who knows, but I’ve got this. 

New Year, New Hospital

Happy New Year. How is your new year looking? Have you made any resolutions? are there any goals you want to achieve? 

I haven’t set any resolutions, as I personally  find they tend to be unrealistic, and I end up placing unnecesary pressure onto myself to try to do things that either aren’t ainable or generally where things change throughout the year, and so the resolution becomes unrealistic, no longer serving a purpose or  is no longer suitable.

My goals for the year , likewise are really rather simple. Just get through and survive it. It may seem silly, but honestly after recent years which have taught me, you really don’t know what is around the corner, or just how things can change in the blink of an eye, actually sometimes these things just aren’t necessary or realistic to set or expect of ourselves on top of our daily life- day to day stresses, pressures and work life, we juggle,carry and balance enough plates as it is on a daily basis.

In true Bethan style, despite it only being the 2nd of January I am.. perhaps a little predictably, already on a train and on my way to London for my first appointment of 2026, After approximately a 9 month break from hospital appointments (the longest gap i’ve had in quite some time and has felt super odd and strange, yet also nice too) . I’m ready.  I’m ready to get back on that horse.. . I just have a feeling about this year, that it’s going to be a chaotic crazy one (when is it not?!) but I feel optimistic and positive that this is my year (whatever that means)..  2026 lets do this.

Today I’m off to a new hospital, so I’m beginning 2026 under 3 hospitals/departments:

• UCLH Royal National Ear,Nose and Throat Hospital- under the wonderful Dr Joe Manjaly, Audiology and the Auditory implant team.
• UCLH Mortimer Market- Generalised Adult Dermatology Clinic

Today, for approximately one week only I will be under Guy’s Hospital, under the Patch Testing and Cutaneous Allergies team.

Today, not only marks my first hospital appointment for 2026, but also the  first of 5 dermatology appointments ( The first 4  being at  Guy’s hospital  and one a few days after at  UCLH Mortimer Market)

The aim of my short appearance at Guy’s Hospital, if you hadn’t already guessed, is to begin patch testing, The reason for the patch testing is  to see if the infection, chaos and hallaballoo  with both the BAHA and Osia was  caused by  an underlying, undetected  allergy/ reaction , either to  something used during the implantation or possibly to something within  the implant/ processors themselves.

In my opinion, I don’t personally know what the results will or won’t show though my gut instinct tells me it may draw a blank. I do however  feel it’s something worth looking into, because this could potentially hold the answer, though again honestly in my opinion I don’t think there is a best or worst outcome that can come from the testing, on the principle that if a positive reaction is identifiied though great , the reaction may not even be related to the implants at all , the flip side is that if  it does relate to the implants  this too would be great to have the answer, but depending upon what exactly it is will determine whether it is a part that can be swapped out for something else, lets say it indicicated positive for titanium, which is predominantly what both implants contain, then is there an alternative metal that can be used? if not then that is the end of the road- not so great.

In the eventuality that everything is negative, though great in the respect of it not being an allergy and leaves the door to reimplanting more plausible and may result in me being able to remove the blame from myself that I have some how caused this to happen or did something wrong (though Joe reassures I haven’t and didn’t)  it still leaves us in the dark as to what exactly it was, or what caused it, though of course there is always a chance we will never know and I will very much remain a mystery- not necessarily a bad thing, though of course it would be great to know.

 Overall neither are a particularly great outcome because it could impact future implants and shape that so differently that my options could be all the more limited, if leaving us with any option, though I feel this is more so the case if anything comes back positive, as opposed to negative which gives us more wiggle room.

I think ultimately I’m hoping for a negative result (no reactions) because then although a mystery, which is hardly anything new when it comes to me anyway, lets face it, but  also because it doesn’t (hopefully) stop us moving forward with my hearing.. or lack of more accurately.. 

I’m ready whatever it holds,I can handle it. Answers or no answers let’s do this , I’m ready ,it is what it is. I feel although yes it’s the unknown this is the right thing to do to move forward

I believe today’s appointment is primarily to meet with the team/one of the doctors as a pre patch testing appointment (at least I hope so as I’m wearing one of my favourite jumpers and brand new underwear- something recommended against on testing days- but equally we know what my luck is like by now it will absolutely be a test day now) .

Of course I’m nervous somewhat with a new journey to navigate – UCLH I’ve very much memorised and know by heart and new faces/ voices. Will I ,won’t I hear my name being called and the usual things hearing people take for granted and don’t even hesitate on how to navigate, but I’ve got this. 

Awakening at 30

Turning the big 3-0, honestly,  initially as it crept up, it felt horrifically daunting, however, since it’s arrived.. it’s actually… Though I don’t want to jinx it ,it’s been alright.. 

It may have be an initial honeymoon phase, but so far since turning 30 instead of feeling an impending doom of no longer being “young” and now a fully fledged adult, like anticipated.  I have, instead, felt like I have awoken.

A feeling of a  new sense of self and a new mindset. Coincidental honeymoon phase or just some miraculous magic of the big 3-0 who knows..  I guess time shall tell if it lasts or not.. but right now, I’m here for it.

In September, I made the difficult but equally easy decision to cut out two toxic friends..  I had been nievely failing to see their gaslighting ,which ensued over at least the past two years.. ( or at least that’s when my parents tell me they began to notice it) 

Around the time of my 30th birthday I had felt something had been off between the three of us for some time , I first noticed it after the second admission into hospital last year , after coming out of that admission something just felt…off.. different. I couldn’t put my finger on what or why, though.

After a what is and was now a very obvious awakening of an incident of their gaslighting. Thankfully, with help   managed to gain evidence that I wasn’t going mad ,it was not me, and they were, in fact, gaslighting me. I simply sent a screenshot of the proof and simply sent it to them.No message attached. No ill words . No hate. No drama.no questions. Just a simple screenshot sent.  and it felt good.. there was no need for an argument , they knew, and I knew what had ensued and who was at fault.

Around September time i removed them both from social media, this is where I struggled ,we’ve had so many amazing memories and moments. From the 1am breastfeed and nappy change, wake ups to our little ones hitting their first milestones, etc. It was tough, but I knew it needed to be done. Enough was enough. I had felt like things hadn’t been right since around March of last year, though as stated my parents spotted issues at least a year prior to that,questioning why I was keeping the friendship going- though they never discussed this with me until as of recent. I just hadn’t seen any of it,but now, looking back, I can see it. Hindsight is a beautiful thing…

It’s tricky because now I’ve lost my two only friends, but equally I would rather have no friends than those who aren’t good true friends… as they say, throw a crowd, after all and well, I’m just that crowd whose loose connection third wheel of the duo.

Slowly, since turning 30, I’m starting to feel like Bethan again, like she’s slowly  returning.. no idea where she’s been or if she will stay ,but I hope so, as the one I’ve seen in August/ September time so far hasn’t and  isn’t putting up with any crap.

I may not have my life fully in order with societal expectations, but I’m here,  showing up,  and a sense of goal returned. I’m trying, and that’s all I can do right now is try ,show up, and be present.

For the first time in years, probably since the age of 16, I know where I want to be career/ work wise..well, not exactly but thereabouts anyway…right now  I know I want to inspire, and encourage deaf children to be able to find and embrace their deaf identity. I want to provide opportunity and access to opportunities I didn’t have growing up, so they don’t have to grow up feeling how I did and right now I would love to either  become an interpreter signing to deaf people and bridging that gap between hearing and deaf or supporting deaf children in some way or capacity.

Here’s to thirty, not flirty, healing, and just trying to survive, with the aim of pushing for thriving.

Turning the big 3-0. Thirty, not flirty and surviving

How?  why? Am I days away from turning the big one… the one that doesn’t seem so big or that big a deal  that is until you hit 29, or more precisely, in my case, just a few weeks shy of it.. that it hits. It is a big deal. It suddenly feels very much looming, like it’s come out of nowhere, a sudden increased pressure to have it all together by the time you’re 30. A sudden this is it. Time to become a fully fledged adult.. no longer getting away with the young adult , young ,care free, and 20.. this is it…

There’s a societal pressure and expectation that you turn 30, and that’s  it . Done and dusted your a fully fledged adult and it feels there’s expectation for you to have it all together, own home, life long partner preferable marriage ,pets, babies,and  a career and  general life responsibilities.

An  expectation is that when you hit 30, you should have your shit together, and how to suddenly know how to fully adult  ..

well. I’m three days away from my big 3-0 ,whilst I’ve lived alone for the past 4 years. I don’t own it. It’s not mine, so I’ve not achieved that,  life-long partner? Absolutely not, no boyfriend, nothing casual, just me ,very much single and certainly no marriage in sight.

Pets – Nope,  though I have achieved the babies/ parenting thing as I have 1 little one so I can successfully tick that one off of societies expectations , career – no..

After a 4-year break from work to have and raise a family, I’m just shy of passing my probation period in my job, though I love it , I’m not sure it’s exactly a career as society expects, though it is one society deems respectable and commended.

Responsible.. ehh.. very questionable,  I wouldn’t say I’m not responsible in terms of work and parenting but I certainly don’t have all my chickens in order or life fully sussed and I have by no means worked out how to navigate and figure out every situation or possibility,  there’s still an awful lot I don’t know. 

Growing up in the 90s surrounded by furby’s, Rosie and Jim , Tracy Beaker, The Spice Girls, S club 7, Busted, tamagotchis, gameboy advance and tots TV .. I very much had different expectations of where I thought I’d be at 30.. 

Expectations- married, pregnant or trying to get pregnant, working as a vet ,and a home owner. 

Reality-  I’ve been single 5yrs at the end of this year (officially though the relationship realistically was over a good 6 months beforehand),  I’m not pregnant and not trying to fall pregnant either instead I already have a little one.  I’m also  definitely not a vet, though that was always the dream, and I very much tried to pursue this.. and I’m a council tenant .far from a home owner.. 

Life changes, and so should expectations from society and of ourselves.

Navigating Father’s Day: Love, Loss, and the Questions That Have No Answers

Father’s Day has been incredibly hard for me for the past four years— it’s a day filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. ( I know who is this woman ?! I’m certainly getting emotional in my old-er age) . I feel the hurt , the pain and ache of it all for, and on my daughters behalf

I feel the hurt ,the pain and ache of it for my daughter, watching as social media floods with pictures of her friends with their dads attached to beautiful messages (rightly so they should be out there celebrated loud and proud)

whilst knowing this beauitful bond between father and daughter is something my own daughter will never know or get to expirence – through absolutely no fault of her own- not because of fate but because hers made the choice off his own back to walk away whilst I was still in the early stages of pregnancy with her – yes that did and still does hurt .Walking out on me is one thing ( one I have no issue with), but to walk out on his unborn child is another, something unforgivable and unexcusable. – choosing to never have anything to do with her during pregnancy or at any point since her arrival.

Fathers day , for me brings back that harsh reality with a bump as to what an amazing little girl he’s missing out on and just how much of her he’s missed, even now all these years later it hasn’t and doesn’t get any easier ( it actually gets harder)

I still cannot get my head around how anybody could live walking out on their own child(ren) and choosing to have nothing to do with them- though it is absolutely his loss and nobody elses and he truly only has himself to blame for that, it is incredibly hard knowing he’s recently started up a new life, and is engaged to be married after just 1 year in a relationship with someone who I can only assume has no idea he has a child…  

naturally, what is typically the next stage on from an engagement and marriage, but setting up home and babies?

As a result, I find myself massively downplaying the day with my own dad, uttering a quick “Happy Father’s Day” and a swift handing over a card and gift without much fuss. It’s not because he doesn’t deserve to be celebrated—he absolutely does. He has been there, always, and still very much is there,not just for me but my daughter too. But I do it out of protection for my daughter in an attempt to shield her from feeling different or inadequate to prevent questions that I know will inevitably come sooner rather than later.

I instead do it out of protection of my daughter in an attempt to sheild her from feeling different or inadequate , to prevent questions which I know aren’t far away and inevitably will come . Questions I do not have the answers to , nor know how to answer. I struggle knowing how I will tell her the truth of her own dad’s absence one day , whilst protecting her from the harsh reality of that truth.

I further struggle with how to get the balance of doing better for my own dad. The struggle to get the balance of being protective mum, whilst equally being honest and open with my daughter to feel comfortable to come to me with anything and know her own truths ,  but also being a good daughter to my parents is huge, i don’t want to fail my daughter or parents, but fear I will fail or let down one of them.

questions I don’t fully know how to answer.  I struggle knowing how to tell her the truth of her dad’s absence whilst protecting her from the harsh reality of that truth, but also doing better for my own dad. The struggle to get the balance of protecting mum and good daughter is huge. I don’t want to fail either of them.

I’ve struggle today to even look at or aimlessly scroll through social media , which isn’t anything out of the ordinary for me on fathers day, but today even picking up my book has felt too bittersweet and raw  as my current read is a book about a single father. it feels too incredibly raw to entertain the idea of reading right now. Instead, I sit. alone. in the quiet and darkness, waiting for tomorrow for normality to resume, though I know social media posts will linger a while…

Yet my dad deserves celebrating.. growing up Great Ormond Street Hospital appointments were always a me and Dad thing because mum worked within a school and couldn’t have the time off so dad took the time off work, travelling to and from all of my appointments with me.

He was also the only parent who didn’t go mental when I found myself pregnant,  though I had anticipated him taking it the worst, he surprised me by being fine about it telling me how I was an adult now and It was very much my body, my choices and decisions and how he would no matter what I chose to do be there to support me.

in pregnancy, he massively stepped it up when it should have been my ex and, of course, in being a huge part of my daughters life and doing anything he can to help  when it comes to her.

He has very much stuck true to that and has been a fantastic male role model for my daughter, all of which and more very much deserve celebrating and recognition .