I’m Back….

Published December 31, 2018 by goshgurl95

Oh My Goodness… So it’s now coming up to 8.30pm New Years Eve 2018. This blog totally wasn’t planned hence posting see you in 2019, but hey just go with me on this one…


So I guess surprise I will be seeing you in 2018 again and not 2019 just yet like originally planned.


Anyway so as I was saying it’s just coming up to 8.30pm New Years Eve and I have no plans whatsoever , apart from taking a long soak in a nice hot bubble bath, putting on some pyjamas and sticking on a film on either sky or Netflix by candle light.Whilst everyone else my age is out clubbing, drinking , at house parties, or generally out doing something. I’m sitting about at home alone ,well I’m not alone I have our pug Mowgli with me, and I’ll be honest I’m feeling pretty blah..


I thought seeing as everyone else was doing these best 9 photo challenge things across social media , that I probably should join in and do one too.. I know….I know … I don’t usually do this whole everyone else is doing this , I must do it too kinda thing , but hey shoot me I went against one of my own rules..


I’m sitting scrolling through my phone and Facebook and  hitting a blank , thinking ,I don’t know what are my best 9 moments from 2018? It’s been a pretty shitty year for me.I can’t find 9 photos! I’m struggling to find a couple let alone a whole 9 photos !!


So I abandon ship .I’m not going to do something that’s making me feel even more dull and blah than I already am this evening and in general over celebrating 2018.I’m finding myself more than ever now wishing this year to hurry up and be over with so that I can finally shut the door on A LOT of things once and for all..


I then decide hey you know what?! That social media, but predominantly Instagram my best 9 wasn’t and isn’t working for me , this isn’t my thing this year, this isn’t my vibe ,I’m totally not feeling this …Maybe I’ll try make an Instagram story, there’s been a fair few of those popping up , Maybe this is more my vibe this year?! Maybe I’ll make an Instagram story about my year…


I go onto Facebook on my phone , open up my photo album titled “2018” …Not really expecting much .After all I couldn’t do the my best 9 , so I don’t really know what I’m intending from this , or how this whole story thing is going to work out…But hey let’s just go with it and see what happens and how it feels , before I make any secure decisions..As to whether this is something I want to do or feel comfortable with…..


I start saving photos to my camera roll… OK great first step this is going alright.I start saving more, I dig through other Facebook photos ..OK great  , This seems to be going alright. I now have a notification pop up on my phone .Telling me my storage is nearly full.. I go take a look… Great it turns out I’ve saved a whole bunch of different photos.. Excellent…


Right…. Now…What?!  I have pictures now what?  How am I going to do this?  How am I possibly going to get across what I want to say?  What I’m thinking…. What I’m feeling? …



I start playing around with the photos and typing.No this isn’t right. This isn’t how I want to get this across, this isn’t meeting my aims .I’m not feeling anything from this.NO.


Let’s start again… How can I group these photos I think to myself…


OK so Guiding? There’s a lot of photos surrounding that…. Right… That’s my starting point.


I try a few attempts at writing a little intro message to try to capture what I want to share and get across …It takes a few attempts … But I get it…


I start a new slide , typing Guiding.No this doesn’t look right …I try again , typing Girlguiding, no this isn’t right either …. I type Guiding Adventures , and I play around with the font …YES , this is it…


I add photos from various Guiding Adventures …Peer Educator training, Action for Change, Norjam , and various trips and sleepovers.Writing the occasional caption on an image…


I then go onto Family and posting pictures and memories of family moments, again with the occasional caption.


I continue onto Friends .Sharing a whole range of photos from nights out, too celebrations such as  hen do’s, a wedding, a baby shower,  to things I’d forgotten had even happened this year such as afternoon tea and cocktails in London , cocktails etc..

I finish this and I find I still have lots of images saved onto my camera roll that I had selected to use on my story, that I haven’t used as of yet… I try and think of a way that I can include these , plus the things that have still been left unsaid.


I type General , with a smile face emoticon , as it just doesn’t look right on it’s own .. It needs something to highlight these things are important to me.. I post pictures of my new bedroom where I swapped rooms and redecorated the room and bought my own bed and furnishings myself,  My second car that I bought myself this year, certifications of success from passing my level 2 childcare qualification , and I begin typing captions and quotes to accompany these images to capture and show why these things are still valid and important to me…


I still have a couple of photos left that just haven’t felt right to slot in else where , that I know I still want to use and share within my story, But how? where? And how do I talk about what I’ve as of yet left unsaid from the Instagram story, but keep it short and sweet too.


I think up an idea ….. I try it….. It like it….. I post it .Great it’s up..I’ve done something positive with this whole new year thing, well a couple of things actually.As I’ve just discovered some great photos and I’m smiling a little…


I quickly flick through my story and take photos of each individual slide , so that I can add it to my Facebook story .Without it taking me ages to recreate and get right..As I’m really wanting to wash up from dinner, get upstairs, and start running myself a hot bubble bath before putting on a pair of pyjamas that I bought myself today whilst out shopping, find myself some snacks, pour myself a drink , snuggle down with Mowgli and attempt to find a film that I can pretend to be interested in just to pass the time before heading to bed….


I post it all to Facebook cutting the odd thing or two out , to help speed things along just so that I can get in the bath that bit quicker .And well let’s face it I can’t imagine many people sitting looking through it on Facebook for too long anyway..Nothing compared to what you might on an Instagram story anyway.


I post it all .. Great I’ve done it .I’ll head up and run a bath then…


Then I think to myself you know what? Maybe things haven’t been as bad as I thought… Great , OK ,Cool  🙂 .. I’ll put my phone down and go get on with that washing up and running the bath now..


I quickly message my friend Steve Carruthers , yes the one who appeared on the Undateables 🙂 and we get chatting…


…………………..Wait…………..Hold on……………..


Something hits me….. Something I’ve not realised or noticed before , suddenly comes over me …..Like a light has suddenly been switched on and I’m blinded by the light and what I can see….


OH MY GOD……. Now I’m sitting back looking at all these photos and memories….. I’ve just realised this year actually hasn’t been so shitty after all ….


I’m sitting home alone in my kitchen, come dining room , in our new grey chair with the pink cushion with the white hanging basket with the pink flowers hanging above my head, charging up my phone , whilst Mowgli can be heard snoring from the lounge…I begin welling up at this realisation. I’ve had so many great memories and moments that I’ve totally forgotten about or  have been overshadowed and overlooked  all because of what?!!! A couple of rubbish men?!!  REALLLYYY ?!!!


I genuinely hadn’t realised all the amazing things that have happened this year  all  because of some truly hurtful , upsetting and negative things….


I’m truly gutted now that I haven’t enjoyed 2018  and wrote it off  now. Because actually it’s been a bloody incredible year I’ve qualified as a level 2 Nursery Practitioner,met some amazing people who have become such close friends now ,I’ve started learning sign Language in September this year something I’ve wanted to do for so long and I’ve passed my first of 3 exams with flying colours scoring 17/18 .I’ve done loads of amazing projects and adventures withing Girlguiding ..Including Action for change, Peer Education, Starting my queens Guide Award, starting my Commonwealth Award, starting my chief guide challenge and Look wider Award, being nominated for a Jack Petchey Award, Winter Wonderland ,Norjam camp where I celebrated part of my 23rd Birthday and was first aid lead for our girls throughout the event and in charge of the girls medications etc for the first time. And I’ve learnt so much about myself that I never knew or saw before.


I’m sitting here now still in the same place, frozen to the spot in tears of joy, happiness but also some of sadness too .Why has it taken me so long  to open my eyes and realise all of this 😥


23 years  and I’ve now learnt things I NEVER knew about myself  and found strength, determination, and courage in myself that I never knew was there or saw before .I’ve grown so much in confidence without even noticing or realising it .I’ve finally after 23 years  realised my self worth and began realising and opening my eyes to the realisation of the fact that I do deserve better , and to find someone who truly is worthy of me, And finally accepting and believing all of this too after hearing it multiple times this year at various situations.



So stuff this….  I’m typing all of this up onto my blog and then I’m logging off and going off to enjoy  my new year and celebrate the incredible year that it has been .After all this year I’ve learnt to dance in the rain , even when it pours just dance through it all , if needed harder and with an even bigger smile on my face than before.. knock me down but I’ll keep getting back up again , you won’t knock me down and keep me down!!  and I’ve learnt some of the most valuable lessons this year  now you tell me why that isn’t worth celebrating?!?!


So yes that Strong,Confident ,Determined, Sassy Fiery redhead is back and she is here to stay, even if she has come back without my noticing and a little unexpectedly  and earlier than I planned or ever imagined possible..She’s more than welcome back  as far as I’m concerned, although I’m sure others will find some reason not to like it ,but that’s their problem not mine 🙂 She’s back and I’m not letting her go again under any circumstances , this has been a long time coming …..

I’m definitely  going to embrace my inner Merida in 2019 and continue to grow in confidence as well as in general in all areas and take the time to learn more about myself  and allow myself to grow and embrace the positive  and find my happiness in life, continue getting me back to me and dancing in that rain and showing it whose the boss, the rain will never win!


Happy 2019 Everyone ..Make it the best year yet !!!  So much for my plan of a new me , she’s here and has been all along , she’s here but she’s gonna grow and be the best version of me yet…. so 2019 you better be ready…..Because I’m more than ready for you ..Bring it on !! xxx







New Year ..New Beginnings. New Me..

Published December 28, 2018 by goshgurl95


well yet again ,here we are coming to the end of another year.It’s crazy how quickly this year has flown by I can’t quite believe we are nearing 2019 already.I hope you have all had a lovely Christmas break and are looking forward to the new year which is fast approaching us now.


For me this year hasn’t been a very good year and in all honesty I cannot wait to close the door to 2018 and open the door to 2019.


This has been an incredibly hard year for me first of all with my ex who I discussed in my previous blog which all started in summer 2017 and didn’t finally come to an end until April this year so that wasn’t the best of starts to the year and I thought at the time it was just a minor blip and it would be over with and wouldn’t affect 2018 for me , I couldn’t have been any further from the truth on that . As it did in fact take over a lot more of this year than I suspected with all of the abuse , the arguments, both break ups, the controlling behaviour from him , the letters and visits from his mum etc.


I left a job in March this year that I absolutely loved and adored all because of my said ex and not feeling safe with him knowing where I worked anymore and feeling fearful that he would once again turn up at my work place and wait for me, so I made the decision to leave and move jobs to a different area so that he would not know where I was and to prevent him from doing such things again.This has been a really hard decision to have made , at the time it was the easiest thing in the world to think I’ll leave my job and move and it made sense , now however I miss the place like mad, miss the children, miss my colleagues who had become close friends and all of the social outings and just everything about it and it foes honestly quite deeply upset me that I felt I had to move because of my ex.Now looking back feel I should have been braver and bolder to have stayed in my job , but however they do say everything happens for a reason .I did a few months back apply for my position again at my previous employment but unfortunately was unsuccessful .


Through everything with my ex whether I like to admit it or not it has affected me a lot this year and I have lost friends over the situation I was in , some I now no longer have any contact with , others I am still in contact with however we are no longer as close as we used to be which is quite upsetting and I now see and hear a lot less from them than what I did before, However  I can see both sides and see why this is the case when the whole time I was with my ex I had been so distant from them , little did they or I know at the time as to why though, through the control my ex had over me.


I’ve not really felt myself this year due to everything that has been going on .I do feel I have lost a lot of myself and confidence within myself, I know I have had a lot of comments saying how brave I was to have left my ex and to have found the strength to have dne that.However it wasn’t easy it was incredibly hard , more so because I geuniely loved him with everything I had and I had never felt that way ever about anyone before that I thought and felt that what we had was something special and I thought that was it and I wouldn’t and couldn’t for ages accept what was happening ,I fought with everything I had to make it work and to change him and for everything to be ok , when in all reality I was lying to myself and hurting myself, I was so desperately unhappy ,I no longet knew who I was keep making excuses for someone hoping that they would realise the situation and change for me, for our sakes. When I look back all I was fighting was myself and a loosing battle, that I should have thrown my hands up earlier on and admitted defeat and gave up fighting for something I knew was wrong and that I knew wasn’t me or the life I wanted for myself.


On top of this I have watched my sister go through a horrific relationship and the breakup of that ,which led me wishing I had noticed the signs earlier and done something , anything to have helped her and to have got her through it , after she lost everything all because of some guy , it’s wrong how these men do this to women, and of course women to men as it is not always men that do these horrific things and that left me in a bad way , feeling like I had failed my little sister , like a failure of a sister , as though I should have done more  .This then led me to thinking of course as her older sister she is going to be looking up to me and seeing what I’m doing as much as she probably will not admit this..  I then realised how weak and silly I had been with my whole situation with my ex and that I should have done a whole lot more ,I should have reported it and got police involved.omething I was very against doing at the time.I should have got myself to the doctors or a&e after he pushed me over brusing and cutting all my knees, to the point my right knee began swelling and getting puss filled.


Because what example did that set to my sister or any other young women? that the best thing to do is get away, yes ok fine maybe as I did manage to do that.However my sister had the strength to get police involved and take action , whereas I did not do this and this is now something I will have to live with for the rest of my life knowing what happened to me and knowing I sat back and did nothing and let him walk free with no consequence or punishment for what he did and leaving him to go on to continue down this pathway and do the same thing again to more women.


I then thought things were great after meeting my new boyfriend and thought things were beginning to look up and that things would be ok again,However unfortunately things between us did not work out and I became single again just before Christmas after I left him , there has been many reasons rumoured as to why and not one of those rumoured reasons have been true and only I and he are fully aware as to why things came to an end. So that wasn’t quite a planned thing for this year, I mean meeting him and getting into a new relationship in general wasn’t planned and of course nor was the ending of things either.Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy making that decision to split as I had genuinely had some great times and memories with him that I will always remember such as going away for my first weekend away without my parents with him and the fun and laughter that we had , however we just aren’t meant to be, we both had different wants and desires from life that led us to going separate ways.


As well as leaving me a couple of weeks before Christmas running around trying to return all the gifts that I  and my family had bought for him both for Christmas and for his birthday , which proved to be interesting , however I got my returns and money bacl, not that this was the point though, .



SO not been the best year for me and something I cannot wait to close the door on and leave behind me , I mean it was only over Christmas this year that the reality and discovery of how I was nearly proposed too last Christmas hit me and how even now I know that he wasn’t the one and how terrified I was of how I would get out of it


Don’t get me wrong although it has been a horrible year that I can’t wait to close the door too there have been some positives from the year too though, such as starting my sign language course in September this year and absolutely loving every minute of that , it genuinely is the highlight of my week I took my first of  three exams towards my level 1 sign language back in November and passed with flying colours scoring 17/18 which I was more than thrilled with , although that 1 mark was irritating to know what exactly I missed the mark on but I am now preparing and learning the modules for my second exam which is early next year that I am excited about , although there is a lot more vocab for this exam but hey I’ll do , I aim this time to pas with full marks, got to keep pushing yourself right 🙂


I also this year received my 5 year service award badge in guiding, although it was 6 years in September but never mind better late than never and was also nominated for a Jack Petchey award, that I am awaiting to hear the outcome of  which is pretty exciting although of course I don’t feel I deserve the award and feel there are many more members in guiding that deserve it much more than I do .


I have also began undertaking some more guiding projects and awards this year such as I am working towards my Look Wider Award, Chief Guide Award,Commonwealth Award, Queens Guide Award (which is the highest award within guiding), I have also recently started a guiding project called Action for change, which is a 9 month project that will hopefully see me bringing change to something I am very passionate about.I also this year completed my peer educator too meaning that I am now able to deliver sessions to young girls across brownies, guides and senior section on more sensitive subjects such as mental health, stereo typing, body image , body confidence etc .I have delivered one session so far and absolutely loved it and just hope that I can be that listening ear to young members and get them thinking about these subjects that are not always discussed .


I have had a lovely Christmas with my family very relaxed and chilled , it was especially nice to have my sister home with us for a couple of days as she moved to London a few months ago to persue her dreams of being a makeup artist, and is currently working as a Beauty Advisor in a makeup shop which is incredible to see her doing something that she loves and is so passionate about and really going for her dreams to achieve them.


My aims/ goals and resolutions for 2019:


My resolutions for 2019 as much as people always say there’s no point in the whole new year, new me thing. I am using 2019 to be a fresh start to make the most of my life again , to rediscover , grow and build myself and start afresh in discovering who I am and getting my life back on track.The ways I aim to do this is by the following:


  • Make more time for me- By this I mean just making more time for myself to do the things I want to do and enjoy ,even if this means reading a chapter of my book for half hour before I go to sleep each night, completing a wordsearch etc.


  • Treat myself more- now by this I don’t necessarily  mean just going out spending loads of money on myself ,although I will be aiming to treat myself to new clothes and things too, but by this I don’t mean just clothes but like treating myself to that extra 5 minutes in the bath, treating myself to a glass of wine or a face pack after work, treating myself to that bit of chocolate I’m craving , even though I’ve had chocolate twice after work already that week or letting myself have that extra 5 minutes in bed at the weekend.


  • Look after myself more- I suppose this one links in really with the first two as well but just to make sure I am looking after me and not letting myself get too bogged down or worked up over things and just making sure that I do take that time to look after myself and put that extra bit of time into myself, even if that means accepting you know what I’ve had a rough day or a rough week and accepting that I’m not ok or that things aren’t ok or as happy and positive as I would like and reaching out to friends and family and saying actually you know what I;m not alright rather than just hiding it and making out everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time.I mean lets face it who is sunshine and rainbows all the time?!  but unless we accept this how is anyone supposed to know what is up or whats troubling us even if it is the smallest thing in the world, if it matters to you then it matters and it’s important.


  • Focus on myself more- Now I don’t mean any of the above or this one in a big headed way but I just feel I need to start over again and rebuild and discover myself and how else can I do this if I don’t focus on me?! by this resolution I mean lisrtening to myself more what is my head and heart saying, why am I feeling the way I’m feeling,  I guess as well trust my own instinct and not brush it off as nothing just listen to that what is my instinct telling me. How do I feel about different things?  what is it I like? what is it I enjoy? what is it that makes me happy? what is it that makes me sad? what is it that is hurting me? what do I want to do?


Already I have kicked started my resolutions as a way of starting the new year off on the right foot and have booked in my next 3 nail appointments as I’ve decided I really like getting my nails done and this is something I would like to do for me on a regular basis,I’ve bought myself two pairs of leather trousers (ok not real leather I can’t quite afford that but still faux leather is good enough) to  try to boost my esteem and confidence and bring that strong headed confident 8 year old me back ,I mean it’s been long enough it’s about time she made an appearance again and came back to stay.

I’ve also ordered some lacy body suits to go with the leather trousers and a couple of nicer styled tops to wear with them, I’m going to get my eyelashes and brows done more regularly,


Focus on my sign language and working to works achieving the marks and results I would like from that, same for with my guiding awards I’m going to knuckle down and work hard towards achieving my goals and awards within guiding , I;m going to work as hard as I can to achieving my level 3 NVQ in childcare and just let life be and try to find some happiness in life again .


I’m going to try to rekindle some friendships and put more effort into friends , going out and just generally having a good time and having a laugh really .


Wishing you all a very happy 2019 and hoping that your dream and goals will come true for you this year 🙂  I will leave you with some of my favourite photos from 2018 and I’ll see you all real soon in 2019 xx



Breaking the Silence..

Published October 28, 2018 by goshgurl95

Ok so I have to be completely honest .. I have no idea how to write this blog or even how it is going to come out. However, I do feel I both need and want to share this chapter and part of my story with you all, how easy that will be to do I have no idea but it needs to come out into the open and be heard….

It’s time.

As some of you will know before I met my current boyfriend Grant (Kermit as he is nicknamed) I was with somebody else who was my first serious relationship, and well this is my story about that chapter of my life.


It all started in the summer of 2017 just before my 22nd Birthday , I was  on tinder and  I was about to give up ,  I came across him and begun talking to him this went on for a couple of days and nights,  up until the early hours just continuously texting backwards and forwards until one of us (usually me) fell asleep.


It didn’t take long before he had given me his number and we had begun texting and this continued on into early hours everyday , until we decided to meet for the first time.


I was supposed to be having that day off  work , however I  had been called in due to staff sickness and shortages so not wanting him to think I was bailing on him I quickly messaged as I couldn’t turn down the money or offer or work plus I didn’t want them knowing I was going on a date.


we postponed until later on that day and  moving the meeting place from Costa Coffee in my small home town to Starbucks in Chelmsford after I finished work. Problem resolved.


All day at work I was excited about my date that lay ahead and sat clock watching wishing the hours away, considering this was my first date I wasn’t at all nervous. At lunch I text him to make sure it was all still going ahead.It was.


Once I finished work I quickly rushed to the office to retrieve my phone (I work in a Nursery and for safety reasons phones had to be in a box in the office) and quickly pressed the on switch and waited for my phone to power on, It was the longest and most anxious couple of minutes, I just had to check he was actually coming before I made an idiot out of myself.

He was still coming. So I quickly rushed to the staff room and retrieved my bags and headed to the toilet to get changed and tidy my hair and makeup up and make myself look  good for my date.


Once ready I headed off to my car to put my work uniform in the boot and began walking into the town centre, a couple of the girls at work were a little nervous seeing as I hadn’t told my mum or dad about the date and worried what if something went wrong? what if i got into trouble? what if he wasn’t who he said he was? So I promised them any issues I would ring them on the office phone at work.


Still I wasn’t feeling nervous just pure excitement , I arrived at Starbucks and quickly scanned the coffee shop for him or someone that resembled him , nope nothing. So I assumed he couldn’t have been there yet so headed to the counter to order myself a coffee and grab a table. I purposely found a table near the back of the coffee shop ,with two seats and sat myself with my back to the main entrance door, but so I could see out of the windows, so then If I spotted him and It wasn’t him I would be able to get up quick and go to the bathroom, As well as being able to look over my shoulder for someone wandering around looking for someone and had my phone to hand in case I needed it.


I sat drinking my coffee waiting for him to turn up, At one point I thought he had stood me up until a text message pinged up on my phone from him saying that he was on his way and how his train had been delayed and he was now walking up from the train station, meaning he was possibly 10 minutes away. Again no nerves at all.


I sat watching from the window studying each male that walked past, was he really who he said he was?


After about 15 minutes or so I spotted him from the window and knew it was him the adrenaline and excitement kicked in , it was him he looked exactly like his photos online had, but still I sat cool ,calm and collected and waited for him to approach me, I was not about to make the first move here. I sat watching over my shoulder as I saw him enter the building and look around studying people around me , trying to see if he could find me as I had told him I was there and had a table for us.

He soon approached me and we got talking and all went well to the point we didn’t notice everyone around us had gone and staff were trying to close before we finally got kicked out.We went outside and stood talking some more and went for a wander even though it was pouring down with rain. By this time most things in town had shut so it was very quiet and dark now .


Before we parted ways and I headed back to collect my car from work and he went in the opposite direction to catch his train back home (near southend on sea) .He asked if he could kiss me, so I said how I don’t really do kisses on a first date but a hug would be fine. Despite this he kissed me on the lips anyway and I kissed him back (eyes open from me though) ( I know this doesn’t make much difference but still)


Things continued going well and we both continued texting until the early hours of every morning until one of us (Usually me) fell asleep, and as soon as we awoke the next morning we were straight back at it.


That weekend I decided to go and surprise him , as he was doing temp work in Wickford acting during the holidays for kids and families and had a part in Willy Wonka,  I thought perhaps we could go and get a drink after before I came home again.


Things didn’t quite go to plan there, I left a Brownies event that I was attending with my district ,early to get home and quickly get changed before jumping back in my car and driving down to Wickford to catch the last walk through act of the day, so that there would be more chance of us being able to go for a drink or something to eat straight after.

I headed down there as planned and watched his walk through and walked through the rest of the story (texting him as I was walking around as he was on the very first part of the walk through so had now finished for the day) We met up as soon as I had finished the walk through and he had gotten changed .He asked if I wanted to go do something now, so things were again going to plan. However his mum had come to pick him up as he didn’t drive.

However he ended up coming in my car instead so that we could talk more and  drove back to his to watch movies (his idea).


This started off alright , it was a little awkward for me as I felt a little weird being in his house alone (his mum had gone straight out) and his grandad was in bed so it was literally just us two sitting in the house, but still we chose a film and started watching it , well I say watching it but we were chatting and laughing through most of it and generally mucking about.The film finished and he asked me if I wanted to take things upstairs, so I said no obviously like what?! this was only the second time I had ever met him and nothing had been going on just chatting and having a laugh nothing anywhere remotely serious.


He was like no I don’t mean we have to you know do stuff, but just go upstairs to my bedroom and just get comfy up there and watch films , which I thought was a little odd and just didn’t sit right with me , I mean  what was wrong with just sitting downstairs watching films? I was comfy enough  on the sofa .He let it go and we continued to sit downstairs in the lounge ,well best front room as it was known , then again a few minutes later he asked again about going upstairs again I said no. He tried persuading me but I remained fixed, no this wasn’t going upstairs .I was just worried what if something were to happen? what if he had other ideas other than just watching a movie upstairs? how would I get out of the situation? again he dropped it , however again another few minutes later he asked again, again I was fixed on NO.


This kept happening until eventually he said to me I’m just going to go upstairs and get the room ready and then you can come up and sit up there if you want, if you don’t want to that’s fine, so again I was determined and sure that no way was I going up there, yes ok we had been having a laugh  downstairs but I certainly didn’t want this moving upstairs to the bedroom.


About 15 minutes later he came back down to me telling me how he had sorted the room out and made it all nice, again I said I didn’t want to go upstairs, eventually after him pressuring and persuading I did go upstairs with him, but I remained on a chair at the top of the stairs on the landing next to the bathroom , nervous and scared and not knowing what to do, but knowing I didn’t want to go into his bedroom with him, but feeling helpless not knowing him or the area or even the address that I was at.

I eventually went into the bedroom with him but adamant that nothing was happening , sitting and talking fine, watching a film OK bearable I could do that but anything else NO!


He of course did have other things on his mind… and this upset me because this wasn’t me at all or something I stand for ,i’d only just met the bloke for christ sakes I had no idea who this person really was.


I just remember him trying to get things started and trying to get things to happen and just knowing that it was going to end badly and that this wasn’t me and I couldn’t do this, He knew this as I had told him that this wasn’t what I wanted and that I couldn’t do this .I remember sneakily texting one of my friends from work simply with the word “HELP!”  , she knew instantly where I was and that I was with him.

Long story short…did loose my virginity that night to him?……. Yes  …

Was it consensual?….. yes

Did I want to consent?…. NO

Did I regret it ?….. Yes instantly.


I remember driving home and feeling confused and conflicted, had I wanted what had happened to happen? No of course not I had only just met him and had no idea who this person was, but at the same time I felt I was nearly 22 years old and had never had it with anyone and felt I was old and that I should have by now..


Did I want to lose it that night to him?…. No, not at all.

Did I want it like that? …..No, never I wanted my first time to be special

Was it special?….. No of course not.

Did we use protection? … long story behind it but in the short term no, I’ll explain later on…


I got home early hours of the morning and just threw myself straight into bed and tried to forget about what had just happened, What I had just done..


The next morning, however, was a totally different story, I woke up and cried, and cried and cried and sobbed my heart out at the realisation of what had happened just a few short hours ago , I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, hurt, upset, angry, I felt regret, I felt stupid.


I didn’t get out of bed until I knew everyone had gotten up and had all gone out and left the house, I quickly got up had the worlds quickest shower, threw on the first clothes I came across, brushed my hair, grabbed a bag, threw on any shoes and my sunglasses, grabbed my car keys and drove into town still sobbing and headed straight for the only pharmacy that I knew would be open.


There was absolutely no way I could tell my parents about this I knew that they’d only tell me how foolish I had been, and rightly so, so this IS the first time they will be aware of any of this as I just couldn’t and still haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them..


Embarrassed and upset I headed into Boots and waited anxiously and nervously until the pharmacy area was quiet as I didn’t want anyone overhearing what I was in for (haha sounds a bit criminal reading back lol but anyway) , I felt enough shame and embarrassment as it was let alone others knowing, so I made it look like I was browsing until everyone else had collected prescriptions, asked their questions and moved away. I then very nervously asked the man behind the counter for the morning after pill, of course I was told I would have to speak to an actual pharmacist , so I sat and waited to be called into the consultation room, the wait felt like a lifetime, I felt like a naughty school girl sitting outside the headmasters office …


After what felt like a lifetime of waiting I was finally called through, and oh my goodness it was horrific I just felt I was being judged and lectured the whole time. I was asked questions such as was it consensual, what protection if any had I/we used , was I raped, was I drunk or under any influences etc , had I had any morning-after pills before, was there any chance I was pregnant (I certainly hoped there wasn’t) , how old was I, did I know the risks of what I had done, Before he then went onto saying how the morning after pill could be an option for me and talked through the risks and side effects of that and how despite taking my pill and the morning after pill I could still be pregnant (not something I wanted to hear and now was hoping more so I wouldn’t be)

Anyway so I ended up getting the  morning after pill £30 later !!!!!! absolutely insane but hey what else was I supposed to do ? yes I had taken my pill the day it happened, and also the morning after but I just needed something to guarantee or at least minimise my chances of being pregnant .. I can’t remember now if mentioned it earlier on but he did put a condom on  as this was the only way I would agree to anything, even though I didn’t want to do anything, but the condom split  so he told me it was ok he had another one , he looked for it and couldn’t find anymore .So I was like ok then well we’re done here it’s not happening then , great this is perfect I’ll be ok now….


Nope he then told me he had  other protection and that he had a spermicide gel/ spray stuff that would kill off any sperm, and me being a complete newbie to this whole thing didn’t know if this was a real thing or not, turns out it wasn’t true , yes you can get it in condoms but not a gel or spray  so basically he’d lied to me to get me to have sex with him..


I didn’t know what else to do and I didn’t know if I ever wanted to see him again after this , however I did text him and told him I had bought the morning after pill , purely because at the time I felt he had a right to know, looking back now knowing what I know now (you’ll find out soon )I wish I had just walked away at this point if not beforehand..


I ended up driving over to Southend probably around 3/4pm on that Sunday to have a late lunch/ early pub dinner with him and discuss everything, I was still upset and confused but I felt like I came away from that meal feeling like we were both on the same page and wavelength and that it wouldn’t happen again and felt that I got my point and everything across, so things were ok again …


I ended up staying out until early hours of the morning for a second night running this time it was just up a local pub for food , and a walk along the sea front, no stopping at his.


On the Tuesday evening I was heading out to the cinema with my family and was still texting him constantly back and forth ,he text me something on the way to the cinema, I can’t remember exactly  what, but it was basically saying how he really liked me and wanted to ask me out but how he had also gone on another date previous to me meeting him at the weekend and how he was trying to decide who to ask out .


I was kind of hoping that he would ask me out because of everything that had already happened, not that it would make it all ok but at least it wouldn’t have been like a one night stand at least I would still be seeing him. However at the same time ,I also felt well that’s charming telling me your trying to pick between two of us , why was he telling me this, why should I be having to fight for him if this what he wanted me to do?


By the time the film finished and I turned my phone on, on the drive home I had received a text  message from him asking me out of course I said yes .15th August 2017 we became officially a couple.


Things went well from then I was happy, and in love. The following weekend I went up to Southend to spend my  22nd birthday weekend with him we went to the sealife centre, walked along the beach, got milkshakes etc then went back to his and watched films at his and chilled out..


The next day I went back again for the Southend Sea Front  carnvial and the first couple of weeks to month went well no hiccups and things seemed to be going well and we were meeting up every weekend ….


Fairly soon after he asked me about staying over his at first I wasn’t sure that I should but then again we had been doing everything else and I was going home at like 1/2am so would it really make that much difference? So I agreed I would start staying over on a saturday night and going home Sunday’s .



After this weekend he then went away for a boys weekend to Amsterdam so of course I was worried sick, thinking yeah great lads weekend huh?! what’s going to happen there? Drink, drugs ,sex, red light district  etc seeing as drugs are legal out there. He reassured me it wouldn’t be like that at all but was honest and did say of course he would be drinking and that he would be trying things out there seeing as it is legal, Now I’m totally against drugs but what exactly could I do to stop him? and I just felt well he is being honest and open about it at least he’s not hiding it from me , or letting me find out the hard way by himself or one of his mates texting or phoning me out of it I suppose.


Before he went he left me with his favourite ring to assure me that he was coming back to me and kind of as his promise to me that he wouldn’t be meeting other women and that he wouldn’t cheat on me or our relationship etc.


When he came back all was good and I stopped worrying. I decided to surprise him when he got back by turning up to his and had planned to go with his mum to pick him up from the airport without him knowing I was going , However by the time I finished work and got to his , his mum had already left to collect him so I Sat waiting on his drive way ,texting him as though I was at home as I’d told him I couldn’t make it .His face was a picture when he realised I was on his drive way waiting for him and had sat there for over an hour and a half.


The first couple of months were great like this , However things did then start taking a turn , he began questioning me a lot on everything and anything such as who I was with, who I was talking to , and just generally being protective of me which I didn’t see to be a problem , However a couple of my friends thought otherwise and were not so sure, for instance on Friday night I had met up with my two friends after work for dinner and drinks as I had worked with them at my previous job and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He rung me despite knowing that I was out with friends and again asked me where I was and who I was with and he didn’t believe me until one of my two friends took the phone off of me and spoke to him to assure him they were both females and who they said they were.At the time I didn’t see this as a problem and thought it quite sweet that he was being so protective over me and making sure I was ok.


My friends were not so sure about it, However I reassured them it was fine he was just a worrier and got a little anxiety at times and how it was no big deal..


Things like this continued to happen , He would always be questioning me and things like that and then he begun texting and calling me a lot more frequently than what he had before and would get a little annoyed if I wasn’t answering him straight away , but would be ok when I would then text him and say I couldn’t speak at that time as I was at work or had to stay on a little longer etc and all would be fine again no problems and nothing to worry about.


Most likely around the end of September after his 30th Birthday , where I was at his for the whole weekend had spent a fortune on him I bought him a crystal whisky glass and had it engraved with his name , took him out for surprise dinner at a nice resturant, I bought him breakfast in bed with croisants, waffles, fresh fruit, honey, jams, champagne, made him a box of 30 things for his 30th  such as a marble for incase he lost one of his etc, some war model thing that was over £50 that he wanted decorated his whole house in banners and balloons


The weekend after we begun arguing, not over anything serious , just silly little arguments like he would get a lot more insecure  and was asking me a LOT more questions and getting paranoid thinking I was seeing somebody else, which of course I wasn’t this isn’t me at all. So really his insecurities and paranoia were causing the arguments and the fact it didn’t seem to me like he was believing me. It wasn’t every weekend that we were arguing just the odd weekend here and there , and every couple argues right? so this was all perfectly normal wasn’t it?


However over the next few weeks the arguments slowly began increasing to the point we were arguing every other weekend , not for the whole weekend (Friday evening-Sunday) but still they were there. Again I just thought ok this is all normal yes it’s a little irritating and happening more and more to the point it was every other weekend, but it was fine he didn’t mean any of what he was saying and he would soon apologise.


However it got to the point that we were arguing every single weekend  and he seemed to be loosing his temper a little more and getting a bit angry at times, however it was all ok we kept working at it and I would try to help him through whatever was going on.


I Remember going to his Aunt and Uncles House for fireworks night in the November and we had been alright , a couple of arguments and him getting angry and threatening for us not to go to the party as he didn’t have any money to buy fireworks and had told his aunt and uncle that this year he would be buying fireworks and bringing drink to contribute , as apparently the parties were always way over the top and silly .He had asked his nan if he could borrow money , she had said no she didn’t have any money she could lend him , so he begun getting angry with her and loosing his temper .Shouting, swearing, hitting, kicking etc .His nan then found him a little bit of money I think it was around £10 and he kicked off at that saying that it wasn’t enough money  and getting angry with me when I said I would buy fireworks or at least give him money towards it (something by this point I was used to doing)



Eventually we did go and buy fireworks and drink and went to the party .He was a gent and gave me his coat as I had forgotten mine amoungst all the arguing and temper tantrums going on.However he didn’t half moan about being cold though , so I said to him well have it then and I won’t wear one, but of course this was the wrong thing to have said (I was getting to this point that I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him not knowing what the right thing to say or do was without him causing arguments or getting angry with me).His uncle lent him one of his coats which solved the issue.


My word do their firework parties get out of hand , the men more than anyone causing it picking fireworks up and lighting them in their hands, putting fireworks inside pumpkins and generally in silly places , to the point they were flying all over the place and you didn’t know where they were going to go. I actually at one point saw one come flying across the garden and thought OMG this is going to hit me run, but of course everyone had that same idea, It skimmed my ankle and did catch me a little bit. The next one nearly caught me again so again I ran , this time it’s gone flying indoors and through the house hitting the front door, so at this point I was like no enough is enough either I’m going to get hurt in a minute or someone else is and I’m not being part of that, so I remained inside with his two cousins and aunt.


So there I was sitting inside chatting away with his cousins  , by this point a few of his cousins friends and thier friends had come in and someone had said how one of their other cousins was setting up something in the conservatory , and basically was doing drugs and getting high with his mates and I of course instantly panicked thinking oh god please don’t tell me he’s been stupid enough to go in their and do anything, as I had a little while before gone back outside to see him after the fireworks had stopped and found him sitting outside in their shed that they’d turned into like a bar with sofas, pool tables etc in  and he’d seemed ok , maybe a bit drunk but nothing else.



His cousins I had been sititng with had also asked that he wasn’t in there and not to let him do anything and  in fairness he had warned me that some people may be smoking stuff but had promised me in advanced that he/ we wouldn’t be anywhere near that or getting involved in any of that as he knew how much I opposed this. So I just remember thinking well it’s ok he’s promised he won’t do anything especially so because I’m here so he wouldn’t break that promise……


I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed when I saw him come swaggering in , swaying all over the place at first I thought he was just drunk, until he got closer and he just didn’t look right he had literally gone really pale in the face had no colour in his skin and his eyes just looked awful and as though he wasn’t there, It was horrific I was so scared .I sensed immediately what he had done, but couldn’t be sure though as I had never seen anyone on drugs.He looked horrific.


Of course his cousins knew what had happened as they’d seen their brothers doing stuff like this and had seen other people when they’d been in clubs abroad doing stupid things like this so they of course instantly knew what had happened. They asked him if he felt sick, he said no…


A couple minutes later of course he was in the bathroom being sick, and didn’t come out of the bathroom , people kept coming in laughing and going to see him and were standing there laughing at him and making comments about the state he had gotten into.I didn’t find any of it funny whatsoever .I was embarrassed, ashamed, mortified, Humiliated, Scared,Hurt,Upset.


I went to find him in the bathroom and he was totally out of it, crying, unable to speak, unable to move, throwing up left right and centre.He was in a right mess.I came out in pieces what on earth had he done to himself, and more to the point why?!


His uncle came and sat and spoke to me and told me how sorry he was that I’d had to see him like this and said how he was so surprised I was still here and how if it was him he would’ve gotten up , walked off and gone home and left him too it.


It was horrific seeing him in that state unable to move or give himself a drink, which of course was making him sick but I was told all of what I was seeing was normal, I didn’t feel it was and wanted to call an ambulance out but had no idea of the address and his cousins and aunt were like no, no he’s fine , he doesn’t need an ambulance etc. of course thinking now If I had of rung then the ambulance crew would’ve used my phone signal to know where I was. but hey.


It took about 4/5 grown men to try and move him out of the bathroom, how they managed I don’t know he wasn’t exactly the slimest of people to move. But anyway they got him up and moved him into the front room sitting him up with a bucket etc.I stayed put in the kitchen I didn’t want to see this anymore I couldn’t .Especially after the last time I had gone to check on him in the bathroom , when he was able to speak before being able to only make noise he had told me how he could see the light, see himself slipping away and that he could see his nan who had passed away and then begun talking to her.I was so frightened that I was loosing him and that this would be the last time I ever saw him, as after that he was barely responding to anyone, not even me and was only making noises, until this too stopped.I honestly thought he was a goner.



His Uncle told me how I/We could both spend the night but did give me the option of going home or going back to his and them ringing me first thing in the morning to up date me on how he was but there was no way I could drive not because I had been drinking but from the shock of the whole thing of what I had just seen and witnessed and I was in too much of a state to have driven anywhere ,even if I had of wanted to and it was also coming on about 12.30/1am too so did I really want to do that drive now?! had it of happened earlier in the evening say like 7/8 even 9 then yes 100% I probably would have gone home.I left it a little longer to see what was going to happen, his aunt was like its’ fine go home , you don’t need to stay here the night, etc and even tried to get 2 of his cousins and a couple others get him into my car, but I was like why should I drive this drunk and high thing home in my car and let him throw up everywhere in my car too?! I also had no idea how I would get him out of the car the otherside when I got to his mums if  it was taking 4/5 grown men to get him outside of their house and too my car, let alone actually trying to physically get him in the car, which they were desperately struggling with.

His uncle argued my case and said exactly what I was thinking how on earth would I get him out of the car and into his mums, I mean for one I didn’t have a key to his and he didn’t have his on him as he had put it in the keysafe and I had no idea of the combination to get it out and I was not prepared to wake his mum up, and even if I had lets  be real how would the two of us get him out of the car, nor did I want him being sick everywhere in my car.


I couldn’t leave him , not like this so I said no I would stay, and his two cousins went and found me some bedding and pyjamas that I could borrow for the night.I sat up with them for a bit longer until the men had gotten him upstairs and into bed and left him there for a bit until, his aunt came down and said how she had just checked on him and he was crying saying that he was sorry and crying for me and only wanted me.


I begun feeling loved and wanted again but at the same time still heavily annoyed and disappointed in him for doing this and putting me through this and really for putting this whole situation onto me. All night I was so worried sleeping next to him, as I hate the sound of someone being sick let alone seeing it, it just makes me feel Ill.. yes I know I work with small children so surely I see and deal with this a lot , which yes that is very true but still it just gets me . I kept worrying what if I fell asleep and he choked on his sick in the night as I was having to push/ roll him to face the bucket when he was going to be sick.What if I woke up the next morning to find him dead? then what?


Thankfully he wasn’t dead the next morning and he was very apologetic , didn’t mean I was feeling any happier about the situation , as I had agreed with his uncle the night before I had a chat with him about it and set him straight on it and made him very aware of how I felt about the whole thing , and he couldn’t apologise enough, obviously not the point and he swore me not to tell his mum or anyone. So I didn’t .


Over the next few weeks things were becoming a lot worse between us we were constantly arguing, he was loosing his temper a lot quicker and getting very angry like a flick of a switch and had missed hitting me a few times, things in all aspects of our relationship were not good, he was becoming extremely possessive of me, getting very angry ,aggressive and violent towards me and just in general with his family, would constantly accuse me of being with other men and lying to him, telling me it was all my fault and that I was causing his anxiety and issues he was having.I honestly felt it was all my fault.


Right before christmas things were taking a drastic turn for the worse and I thought you know what I don’t know how much more of this I can do or take , and starting to get very upset and frustrated .His texts and calls were increasing to the point that over crhsitmas I booked some extra time off as holiday and stayed at his for near enough 2 weeks solid, where we just argued and I got spoken down to and just was generally unhappy. It was getting to a point he wouldn’t now text me to say sorry until either the sunday once I had left to go home, or even early monday morning and telling me how he didn’t mean anything he had said to me or called me. To one point it got to the point he wouldn’t apologise for his actions and behaviour until I was on my way to his the following weekend.


I had a couple of car accidents which were mostly caused due to the stress and tiredness as he was now not letting me leave his on a sunday night until really late/ early hours and I was just far too tired to be able to concerntrate or focus properly on the roads ,I ended up driving up a one way road the wrong way baring in mind it was a main road too, I went up an island and damaged my wheel, bursting my tyre and loosing the hub cap etc. Just silly things and accidents that could so easily have been prevented.


Anyway just before christmas I was at his ,as I was saying for almost two weeks and then had to come home on the 22nd December due to having my works christmas do , so I had been saying to him all week how I wanted to leave about 10am to get home, as it took about an hour to get home from his, and I just thought with it being christmas holidays the roads would probably be worse with people travelling to see family etc, and with children being off school.I needed to unpack and put clothes etc in the wash, mum was going to do my nails for me, I still needed to choose what I was wearing etc and had christmas bits to get ready too.He had been fine all week about me leaving early on the 22nd….However……



The morning of the 22nd came ,I got up early as planned and got showered, washed, dress, did my hair and makeup and rather than waking him up as agreed which I wasn’t sure if he would be angry at me for or not, but I took that risk and let him lay in whilst I packed up my things and loaded them into my car.Then went to wake him up, of course this was the wrong thing to have done and he got angry at me for waking him, so I explained how I had given him extra time in bed etc  and how we had a few bits to do before I went, such as going to a reptile shop to pick up the light and few other bits for the pet toad he had bought me as an early christmas present.He got angry and begun shouting at me and telling me let him sleep and to give him another 10 mins, so instead I gave him another 15 and got the same reaction, so I said if he wanted I would go to the shop on my own seeing as I was up and ready and would then come back and wake him up, this too was wrong and he was insistant he was coming with me and to give m=him another 10.I kept being greeted with this same reaction everytime.



Eventually he got up around 11 and took over an hour to actually get up and do anything , this was early in his books as he didn’t usually wake up until about 3/4pm due to not working and sitting up late playing on his xbox or other gaming consoles.He kept loosing his temper with me and being very short with me, I didn’t eventually leave his until gone 1pm. Even then he was constantly literally every two minutes ringing or texting me , especially so once he knew I was home , mum was doing my nails with her shellac kit and it was insane the amount my phone was ringing and buzzing with a text, to the point mum even answered the phone at one point thinking that might stop him keep ringing, of course it didn’t even then I think she began to become aware that there was a problem and that he was becoming controlling over me.


Baring in mind I had come home on the 22nd December for my works christmas do-I work in a nursery with all females and he still didn’t trust who I was with or where I was going and I was then going out the next day with my family and he would be coming over the next evening…


All night at my works do he was continuously texting and ringing me and it was just getting me down why was he being like this, he knew I was out, he knew where I was, who I was with, even who had dropped me off, when I had gotten there, and if I didn’t answer one of his messages then he would text me more and more and  wouldn’t stop and would become aggressive over text , so I had no choice but to keep answering them. I was feeling so down that I was tempted to leave before we had even begun having the meal, then I thought no I ‘ll wait until after the starter then I’ll ring dad, then I was like no come on lets just try and stay for the main before I slip away , then pushed myself to have dessert and then I would go. I felt horrid all I wanted to do was cry and go home.


This was a rare night out for me and I didn’t feel I could enjoy it even in the slightest. Once the dance floor opened I begun planning to go home.I don’t know what came over me but something eventually came over me and was like No why should he be stopping you from enjoying yourself, this is a rare night out , your with your work friends that you love, it’s nearly christmas, you won’t see them again until after christmas , go have a glass of wine and dance.I literally left my phone on the table face down went and got another large glass of wine and begun letting my hair down and enjoying myself being silly , having a laugh and dancing with my friends and honestly it was one of the best nights that I had. A couple of the girls came over a couple times to tell me my phone was ringing and I said yeah I can guess who , just leave it , I’ll deal with it later. Even when dad turned up to pick me up I was still dancing away and having a laugh, I wasn’t drunk at all , I don’t drink to get drunk but I was defintely relaxed and happy .


As soon as the night finished of course I had about a million texts and phone calls that I had ignored so they had gotten worse and more aggressive and or abusive.He had sent me a text asking to ring him as soon  as I left, dad was totally against this and told me I shouldn’t but I did anyway and it was the most pointless phone call, literally phoning to tell me his aunt and uncle had been round and left a christmas present there for me.. like yeah and? why did that warrent a phone call, why couldn’t that have waited until I saw him tomorrow? and instantly he started up with the who are you with? I can hear a mans voice, so I said you mean my dad? and He was like I don’t know I can hear a man where are you, who are you with, what are you doing ,so I said to him I was in my dads car on my way home there was no other men, would he accept this? no, not until I put him on speaker and my dad spoke even then I don’t think he believed me in honesty.



As soon as I got home he again was ringing me so I answered and pretended to be drunk slurring my words because in all honesty I couldn’t be bothered to talk to him , I was done for the night I’d had a great night out with my work friends and now I was ready for bed and I was not prepared for him to ruin my night,It worked as he didn’t ring me back after that, then again that may have had something to do with me muting his callss and texts after throwing my phone across the room out of annoyance.


The next day as planned me ,mum,dad and my sister were all heading off the Harry Potter Studio tours, we had done this before but wanted to do it again at christmas time when it was all done up all festive and christmassy. Dad even said to me I was not to answer the phone to him whilst we were out today and if he did keep ringing and pestering me then he himself would be taking the phone off of me and telling him to back off. I think I must have opened up a bit and told dad a bit more of what was going on last night , as he seemed to be more understanding today.I do remember though saying to dad in the car last night if it carried on like this I gave it until after christmas tops.


We had a great day out the four of us at Harry Potter studios and was lovely to spend some quality time together before christmas.Obviously he was due round this evening so it seemed a little strange why I hadn’t heard from him all day,I mean it wasn’t as though he was working as he didn’t have a job and hadn’t done since I’d met him.


Turns out it most liklely had something to do with the fact I hadn’t turned off the mute on his calls and texts… But anyway so he of course text me when I text him saying that we were home from the studio tours and when was he planning on coming over ? was he joining us for takeaway still , as originally the plan was he was going to be getting to ours for about 6 as we got back from the studio tour.


He didn’t answer for quite some time then rung me saying how he didn’t think he was now going to be able to come or spend anytime with me over christmas as he had no money and couldn’t borrow any to get to mine… the plan was he was coming on the evening of the 23rd and spending time with us , then on the 24th he was going to spend the day here and in the evening we were going out for dinner and drinks for dads birthday ,then spending christmas day morning here and having christmas lunch here doing presents here and then going to his mums for the evening and I would then be staying there until new years when he would be coming to mine, due to his mum working .


This whole I haven’t got any money I can’t come and see you thing was pretty standard and would happen near enough everytime he had to come to mine unless I said I would pick him up or drive or whatever, even then there would be times he would have arguments with his mum or nan or whoever and be like i’m not coming next weekend or even in the moment and would be driving around the streets looking for him where he would be kicking off etc.


To be honest at this point I really wasn’t bothered whether he came or not as he was really getting on my nerves and generally upsetting me, he told me one of the reasons he was considering not coming was because he was adamant my parents hated him and how it would be awkward for him with them knowing about all of our arguments and things he had said to me before.. such as everytime we argued he would tell me to leave, go home, he didn’t love me anyway, he could do better than me, it was all my fault etc.



Eventually he did come round but didn’t come over until around 11/11.30 due to the trains etc.. funny how he then magically found the money to come down to see me, like usually happened, but hey.. that night I was determined we needed to talk and talk seriously at that about everything as I wasn’t happy and could not continue like this.Long story short he promised me and my parents that he would change and apologised for his behaviour and the way he had been treating me and told me it wasn’t my fault at all. So we managed to have a good christmas.


Although that said I did panick at his on christmas evening when we sat round his mums with his family and were opening presents as I had opened all of mine then the last one he told me he had hidden and that I had to go and find it and at that moment everyone who wasn’t in the room came back in and were watching and grinning and a few of them even got their phones out and started filming , so I was sitting thinking oh god what’s he done, what’s he got me, why is everyone watching ,whereas they hadn’t been before and more to the point why had everyone gone quiet and started filming me… all I could think was that it could be one thing…. and one thing only…….


A RING….. he had bought me a ring, I knew from the box and all I kept thinking was oh my goodness he’s going to get down on one knee in a minute and propose and was panicking thinking please don’t let it be , but if it is what on earth do I do?! Thankfully he didn’t propose , however it was still a ring , a silver ring but not an engagement one thank goodness!.



In the new year things all kicked off again he was still being very mean to me in the way that he was speaking to me and about me to his friends from a couple of messages that I had read and generally was still being very abusive and aggressive and hadn’t stuck to anything he had promised over christmas such as going for a walk when angry or upset, as opposed to lashing out at me about it.


I think it must’ve been in January or more likely February that me, him , his mum and his mums partner were all due to go to Paradise Wildlife park on the Sunday before I came home… well that weekend it kicked off royally and to a whole new level that I wasn’t expecting.


The night before the two of us had gone up to his local pub for a couple of drinks and just really to get out and have a bit of time together which was quite nice , the evening together in the pub had gone alright in fairness and I made an effort seeing as we were going out, even though it was only a pub and I put on tights, my heeled black boots and some form of pinafore dress, my usual winter staple outfit… Anyway for whatever reason we begun arguing on the way home and I was adamant that this was it I was going home it was over , I wasn’t going keep going over the same things and round in the same circles, anyway as I say we were arguing and he was becoming more and more aggressive, so I walked off ahead thinking whatever I’m done , I’m not holding your hand and I have no more to say that is not going to add more fuel to the already burning fire.



As I’ve done this an ignored him , he’s at somepoint caught up with me and still shouting, swearing at me and shouting abuse at me… And Then it happened….. For the first time ever he had laid a hand on me …. .Hard. With a lot of force..I went flying.. Onto the cold pavement… He had pushed me intentionally.. I lay there motionless  on the cold pavement. stunned, shocked , cold .Did he truly just do this to me? I lay there to see what his reaction would be .Whether he too would be shocked at me laying flat out on the pavement and rush to my rescue with his apologies…



He stood there just looking down at me , laying on the cold pavement, not once moving or attempting to pick me up and make sure I was ok. I lay there waiting, willing him to do something , quite frankly at this point anything.


He stood over me for a couple minutes just watching me lay motionless on the pavement before stepping over me (he was stood behind me ) and carrying on walking up the path.I thought to myself right it’s ok stay here don’t move an inch , wait until he’s walked off out of sight then get up, walking back to his and get straight in your car and drive home. Worried he would hurt me further. I lay there watching him walk off not once looking back to ensure I was alright. he got to the end of the road and then I went to get up, before I noticed him stop and look back at me laying there, at first he turned back and looked as though he was going to carry on walking, then he turned back again and just stared at me. He then came marching back up the road towards me.


I lay frozen to the spot not daring to move an inch , not one muscle…. He came marching straight back over to me and lifted me up off of the pavement with such force.. Not even trying to be careful or gentle. He asked if I was hurt I told him I was fine… I was far from fine , I was hurting a lot.. He noticed my tights had ripped completely on my right leg and knee ,this worried me but I was like no come on don’t let him see that he’s hurt you .. you’ll be ok..


I limped/ hobbled back to his where the arguing continued .I told him I was not going inside he talked me into going in so that he could check me over and clean me up.It was only then when inside I realised how bad things were.. Yes my tights were ripped but I was bleeding, a lot . My right knee cap was swelling and brusing, I could barely move it let alone put any pressure on to it. Despite this arguments continued.I have never argued like we argued that night, it went on for ages and there seemed no end in sight. He was highly abusive , I got angry,I got mad with him something I hadn’t done before , not like this. I threw my box of chips that we had picked up on our way home across the room at him, I threw my hairbrush at him directly aiming for his head and caught him with it.Did I regret it no, not in the slightest, after what he had done I didn’t care, the worst he could do would be to continue hurting me, pushing me about, hit me but I knew his mum was upstairs and his neighbours or somebody would’ve heard those screams and cry for help if it so came to it.


It continued on , so  I told him how this was not fair with his mum and grandad being upstairs asleep and how there was no way I was being responsible for waking them up .. I told him I was going home then and there and never coming back.He told me good go then , it’s clear you don’t love me and never have done , just go then… I picked up all my stuff and headed towards the door.I loaded all of my stuff into my car and was certain this was it , this was the end . no more.


I got in my car and wanted to drive off home and never turn back,However my head was hurting, I had blurred vision ,I couldn’t see properly, I felt as though I was drunk.However I knew I wasn’t as I had only had two glasses of wine. So as much as I was desperate to get away and go for good then and there.I couldn’t it wouldn’t have been safe I could barely see the end of the road, let alone driving an hour home like that.So instead I sat there ringing my dad , desperate for him to answer the phone for someone to come to my rescue and get me away from this, right now. No answer I couldn’t get hold of him.I kept trying still no answer.


In the end I decided that this was it there was no way I was able to go home tonight due to how late it was, the fact I couldn’t see properly to drive and my head was pounding, dad wasn’t answering so I couldn’t get him to get me.So I locked myself in my car and decided I would sit here and see if my vision came back to normal, if it did I would attempt to drive home, even if I ended up pulling over in a garage or another turning and sleeping in the car there.


My vision wasn’t coming back so I decided to keep myself locked in the freezing cold car and decided I would sleep in the car overnight and as soon as I awoke the next morning I would drive straight home.


He came out banging and knocking on the car window, I pretended to be asleep , as I was already huddled up into a ball anyway and just put my head into my lap and closed my eyes pretending to be asleep , so that I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore tonight and in the hope that he would give up. He didn’t , he kept persisting and then we got into more arguments and he would try to sit in the car and talk to me and make out I had fallen over drunk and that I was drunk etc. He went inside and I moved into the back of my car and laid down to sleep , knowing I was as safe as I could be in the car.He carried on hasseling me, again he got into the car and we argued, eventually we in to his and he looked my knee over properly and cleaned and dressed it and helped me into bed.But I was still adamant in my mind no zoo in the morning , I was going home the second I woke up.


Of course this didn’t happen as he annoyingly woke up before me and had to wake me up, that never happened before so was a little strange. He ran me a bath and looked after me. We went down for breakfast and to take a look at my knee , which was when we realised how bad it was , and I later that morning discovered why I had such a headache, not only had he hurt my knee, where he had pushed me over with some force and was unable to put my hands out to stop myself I went head first onto the pavement and had a huge purply colour bruise on the right side of my head , which also explains the blurred vision..


I of course ended up going to the zoo with them but I felt so weak, so horrid I could barely walk I was in so much pain , my knee cap was covered in cream and bandaging but it was so swollen and painful and even now had thick pus coming out of it. the palms of my hands and arms were all grazed and scratched from the pavement, I had this huge egg on my head that was bruised, and yet he told me and his mum that I fell over drunk. I believed it by this point as I didn’t remember much at that point of what had gone on.However on the way to the zoo I did post a photo of my knee on facebook , which got a few shocked faces and comments.Again he commented saying I’d gotten drunk and fallen over doing both my knees.Both my knees were cut and bruised but my right knee was the worst of the two.


Over the next few weeks my right knee remained swollen and full of pus and very painful, the colours it went were spectacular blue, black , purple, green, yellow.


The abusiveness continued as did his temper and he was becoming more and more controlling and protective over me.


Eventually just shortly after Valentines day , one night my parents and sister had gone out to the cinema and I stayed home and I ended up feeling really low and not knowing what way to turn or where to go next with our relationship.I rung one of my friends who I’ve been best friends with since secondary school and talked through everything, literally everything that had happened and all my thoughts and feelings and she was like look your not admitting it to yourself but your really not happy in this relationship, things are not ok and told me she was worried about me and how I needed to get out of the relationship and fast. I agreed it was over and I decided I wasn’t going to ring or message him or answer any of his messages.


What had started this was at lunch time he had text me saying how he didn’t believe I wasn’t seeing someone else,around November he had accused me of liking one of his friends from martial arts in a romantic way when we helped his instructor and partner move house, apparently we were smiling at each other a lot and chatting a lot and he didn’t like this and had thought we were flirting and that his friend liked me more than a friend. We’d got past that and me being accused of liking any other random guy then he had started this again thinking I liked someone else from nunchucks class, as I had joined the class also, However of course I wasn’t seeing him but he didn’t like the fact I was talking to him , laughing and smiling with him.When actually there wasn’t anything going on we just got paired together a lot as we were both new to the class and he had other martial arts expirence ,whereas I didn’t so the instructor put us together to help us both learn at a slower pace etc, it never went any further than that.


Anyway that lunch time he had got the hump with me and questioned who my two new facebook friends were, I had no idea off the top of my head to be honest and he was like yeah they’re both male ,so I said oh you mean your uncle and …. from class, so he was like yeah why did they add you for.So I said they didn’t I added them.Of course this was totally the wrong thing to have said and he kicked off at me asking why I’d added the guy from class for when I knew he had a problem with him, well not him us apparently. So I explained how it looked really odd that I had all the other guys from class on facebook (it was a mostly male dominated class there was only 2 other females not including me, so 3 females in total) and he told me how he didn’t know if he was going to speak to me later or not.


So I left it and ignored the rest of his calls and messages that day , again not wanting to add more fuel to the fire and give him something else to complain or kick off about.I eventually did answer the phone and we ended up arguing and he was shouting and swearing down the phone at me and generally being rude to me. He then turned round to me and said right you either stay on this phone and we sort this , or you hang up and we’re over. Then turned round and said to me do you want to be with me or not.So for the first time i was brutally honest with him and said when he was being like this then no I didn’t want to be with him, when he was the person I first fell in love with back in the August that I could have a laugh and joke with, who was light hearted, funny, kind ,caring, I could take the mick out of and banter about with then yes. He repeated his question and I again stuck to my guns, and he turned round to me and said right then that’s it you’ve made your decision we’re over and this is all your fault, so I turned round and said Ok then and no this isn’t my fault but by all means put the blame on me though if that makes you feel better about it. He then said how I was a lier and it was all my fault and I would never meet anyone as good as him and then I hung up, and instantly blocked his number.


That was it we were over, I felt happy , like a weight had been lifted off of me and like I could be me again and smile and truly be happy. I text mum and told her ,I felt great .I genuinely did until my parents got home then I just broke down over the whole situation and more than likely the shock of it all .


The next day at work I still felt that I had made the right choice, however one the girls said something and that was it , it set me off in floods of tears , but honestly I still felt I had done the right thing as cruel as I also felt.


However unfortuantly this is not the end of that story , or this all mighty long blog post. I do apologise sorry, I just need to get this down and out there. So I guess what I’m saying is in some ways i’m sorry in others i’m not :).


As I say the next day I was at work and of course had been reccieving messages from his mum until I blocked her too, then she started messaging mum passing on messages from him etc, but hey whatever, I had barely slept all night .Still I went into work to take my mind off of things.I had nearly got the end of my shift … when my worst fears came true. All day I had been worrying what if he turns up at my work, not that he ever had when I wanted him to… But yes at 5.25 , 5 minutes before I was due to finish work .. there he was walking around waiting for me on the opposite side of the road.. I froze in pure panic and a member of staff noticed this and asked if I was ok and I simply said it’s him, he’s here and I couldn’t get any other words out..


She went and reported this to my manager who came in and spoke to me and asked if I wanted to see him, of course I didn’t so she shut all of the blinds to the classroom I was in and got all the children out into the garden with all the staff and told me I was under no circumstances to go outside and to stay put and quickly alerted my work collegues/ friends


My manager and the staff member that I had told he was here, both went out together and approached him and told him that I didn’t want to see him , He had turned up with a huge bouquet of roses and chocolates but it was too little too late, especially considering a week or so earlier he couldn’t even make the effort to come and see me on valentines day as he reckoned he couldn’t afford it.They told him that they couldn’t take the flowers in for me as I didn’t want them, this was true . He told them to tell me how sorry he was and said he would go home. Of course this wasn’t the case as a staff member came in a little bit later and told me that they had seen him walk down to the other end of the nursery and was waiting round that corner for me, so of course this was passed onto my manger and I Began fearing not only my safety, but my colleagues and the children too.


My manager then called security to see if they could do anything to get him to go , typically they had all finished for the day and gone home. Not helpful, so instead I sat in the office with my manager and rung dad as he was due to pick me up anyway, of course I couldn’t get hold of him, so I rung mum and filled her in and told her to ring dad as I didn’t feel safe enough to walk outside of work on my own or even with a colleague and wanted him to walk up to the door and get me, I had no idea whether he was still waiting for me or not.


Thankfully dad wasn’t much longer and came in and got me and got me home but then I didn’t feel safe what if he turned up at my house, what if he turned up at my brownies meetings and tried to talk to me or see me there.I was due to see a show at the public hall that night with the guides and had to get my dad to take me and pick me up as I just didn’t feel safe at all.


I then reccieved a message when I got home from his nunchuck instructors partner saying how he had turned up to see me and had an engagment ring with him and how he had gone and paid the remaining balance on the ring before coming to my work place….Great just what I needed and wanted, like a proposal would have made things any better?!


We had a whole month of not speaking to each other.During that time mum was getting constant messages from his mum saying how he wasn’t eating or drinking and how he wanted to/ was going to  take his own life (this didn’t shock me anymore as everytime we argued or attempted to split up he would tell me this)

Until then on our local newspapers facebook page and the crime watch pages it came up with a post saying a males body had been found in the river and how it was looking suspicious, it was a male, big build, black hair and about 30 years old. Mum then told me that his mum had messaged the night before saying how he had gone out the house and told his mum it was all over he was going to take his life and goodbye and hadn’t come home and family and friends hadn’t seen him, so we obviously then thought the worst case scenario , thinking great that body is his .I honestly felt so sick until the message came through that he was ok and was home.


We had  a complete month of no speaking or contact, the first week I was certain and adamant it was over there was no going back not after him being abusive and controlling and pushing me over , not after hearing how aggressive he got, or seeing how violent he could be such as smashing his nans place up after we had an argument and he was sitting there making comments about me , and I wasn’t having that so he smashed his nans bungalow up, he’d threatened plenty of times to break his dads arm or nose .. again, or that he would break his ribs,  I saw him go for his nan after we had an argument grabbing his nan by the throat and pinning her up against the wall she was 95 years old and telling her it was all her fault that we had argued, it wasn’t at all her fault.


how aggressive he got over money, yet he didn’t work himself and didn’t take kindly to being told no like a toddler, the second week I was unsure did I want to be with him , did I not .Did I give him that second chance as everyone deserves a second chance and just felt what if this could be the shock reality that shocks him back into the right path. Third week I was like no not happening and may have even explored Tindr seeing as I was single and to see whether I could find someone or not, then the fourth week I was unsure again.Anyway I met up with him where we had first met at starbucks for coffee and made it an early morning so that he had to get up early and make the effort.


We sat and discussed everything and I had a double side of A4 full of points I wanted to raise with him about how I wasn’t happy and things that needed to change and improve if there was ever a chance of anything ever happening between us, he agreed to all of them including getting a job, stop depending on me, his mum and nan for money all the time and to accept no for no, if he was that hard of money sell some stupid models and stop frittering his money away on anything and anything., that he needed help for his anger and anxiety if he could not control this himself then how he needed to see a councillor or therapist for help or even his GP .


I decided seeing as it seemed he was making an effort here to not make us official but to see how things went to see if he did make improvements no commitments to each other just get up and prove why I should give him that second chance.No sleepovers, not seeing each other every weekend, have space for us as I had stopped doing all the things I loved and enjoyed and my life was him , literally.


We went back to the just met/dating phase and this went on for 4 weeks…


The first week was just awkward neither of us knew what to say to the other and it was just hard going , and he slipped up and caused some arguments as he asked when I would want to get engaged and he told me how he planned to be engaged at the very latest the end of this year if not before hand ,and then married the year after and then children ASAP.  which was wayyy to soon for me considering everything and it was now March and considering all the issues why would I want to be engaged to him that quickly, it was just insane, so that caused issues. That first weekend we went for dinner and drinks over at freeport on the Saturday and then he ended up staying over. However he had my bed and I slept in mum and dads



The following weekend, which may make a little more sense as to why he stayed over mine the previous weekend was because he had booked us tickets to see Disney On Ice so I had to stay over on the friday due to the early start on the saturday morning, but of course he then pushed this and I ended up staying the two nights but the deal was I would go home first thing Sunday.. the coach down to disney on ice on the saturday was alright I sat listening to my ipod the whole way and he sat doing his own thing on his phone or looking through his book.However we ended up arguing when we got off the coach though due to the queues for all of the resturants and him being adamant we would eat when we got home tonight, however I couldn’t wait all day to eat as the coach left at 9am and we got into London around Lunchtime and we wouldn’t be getting back to Southend until around 8/9pm this would be far too late for me to eat, especially after getting off the coach and then having around a 20 min journey home by bus once it had turned up etc.


That Sunday was awful I was so hurt and upset I wanted to go home after Breakfast but this didn’t happen I ended up being pressured by him and his mum to stay for dinner , which I ended up doing , However I did get annoyed with him as after breakfast we had been sitting there talking to his mum , and we were both looking through each others phones at photos when I realised he was taking a little too long with my phone especially after he showed me a photo that I had taken that he liked and I knew it was second from the end of photos left in my camera roll.  It turns out I was right to suspect something and quickly got my phone back and then he asked to look again and I was a bit defensive like why you need to see them again you’ve just looked.Then decided to go up for a bath and that was when I found out he had been going through my messages that I had sent to mum … I was not impressed so yet again I had changed my phone log in password and was now hiding my phone from him.I did end up confronting him about it  but he didn’t really have much to say on the matter  and said I would do the same, totally not true and I said to him why would I be suspicious of messages you were sending your mum?! he couldn’t answer that..


The following weekend was his turn to come to me.I went into town to get my nails done and had a phone call from him…I knew exactly what he was about to say and I wish I could have betted money on it with someone… The whole I don’t know if I can come see you today I’ve got no money act.. So I was like oh ok then let me know for definate if your coming or not, if not I guess I’ll just see you next week then. As I was determined I was not going to his to see him this weekend , we had clearly agreed and sorted it out that we would alternate who was at whose what weekend, as opposed to me being at his every weekend.I had my nails done and ignored my phone constantly going off , until I came out and got a frosty reception from him on the phone.. I reminded him I couldn’t answer as I had been getting my nails done and he did the whole I’m going to go sell my playstation I can’t get any money to come see you, so I was like oh ok then , calling his bluff .I mean it wouldn’t exactly be the end of the  world if he had sold one of his consoles he had enough of them anyway.


He then said how he could meet me in chelmsford and how we could go for dinner there instead and we ended up going around the shops for a bit and then went to see Peter Rabbit at the cinema  before going to Turtle bay for dinner and drinks ,he started an argument as soon as we got into chelsmford stropping about moaning because I wouldn’t say that I loved him and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t say it back when I would say it before , so explained how he needed to make massive improvements first before I could or would allow myself to say that , so he got the hump about it and threatened to just go home then and there. We went round the shops and then to see Peter Rabbit by the time the film had finished he apologised for the way he spoke and said it was just because he was hungry, we went to get dinner and he seemed to be back to his usual self, like the person I first knew and fell in love with , which was great this is what I wanted to see.


The Sunday we went to a local farm near me that I had never been too and held newly born chicks, bottle fed newly born lambs, went on a tractor ride, stroked pigs, was going to milk cows but missed the time slot for that and he just seemed to want an argument from the word go , keep constantly wanting me to cuddle him and kiss him even when I was driving which obviously was not appropriate, even when we pulled up he wanted me to stand in the cold car park cuddling him and kissing him , like what why? Even walking around he would want me to keep stopping every couple of minutes to cuddle him or kiss him and didn’t like it when I said no we’re getting in peoples way we can’t just stop in the middle of a walk through or whatever, and caused issues about that and again over the whole I love you thing and not liking that I wouldn’t say it back to him. As well as this over the last few weeks I felt under pressure from him to put a time on when I would say I loved him , when we would get back together etc.


We got back to mine and mum said it was like an old married couple him at one end of the sofa and me at the other, but it was just driving me insane him wanting to be really over the top clingy and wanting constant cuddles and reassurance ,I mean he was 30 not 3.


That fourth weekend hmm well what can I say about that one… as planned I went over to his and spent the weekend at his. I think we had gone for drinks on the friday after I got to his after work and then the Saturday we had gone into Southend and gone round the shops and just mooched around a bit and had a walk along the pier and seafront… It was a hard weekend, we argued again just like we had before we’d split.I remember walking along the pier with him and him being really off with me and just feeling a bit all over the place like what was I doing , was this going to work out.. I even stood by the railings looking at the sea below and contemplating how easy it would have been to have climbed those rails and jumped.. I did contemplate it thinking just how simple it would be and how then if I were to do that how things would more than likely be over between us if I found the right spot to do it and jumped then I may not have survived the fall , been washed out to sea anything like that and I would be free of him and all of this that was going on.


Of course I didn’t climb up on the railings or jump, otherwise well I wouldn’t exactly be sitting here now I suppose would I. it was the most awkward and uncomfortable walk I’ve ever done , it just wasn’t going anywhere.I mean I love walks they give you time to think and reflect and that was exactly what I was doing , and nothing positive was really coming to mind. We argued, he got the hump with me and refused to speak to me most of the walk along the pier bearing in mind the pier is  1.3 miles there and  then obviously the same back too. It was an interesting walk that’s for sure. We got to the end of the pier and we got a drink, drink seeing as the weather was nice and sat there with our drinks for a bit before walking back. We then went for an early dinner/ late lunch .


The meal was nice, a few hiccups as he would have called them but not too bad on the whole in all fairness. It was still early afternoon so we walked around for a bit and then decided to get the bus back to his, whilst walking he asked me about when we would share a bed again, as we had been sleeping seperate for the past four weeks, for example the weekends he was at mine he would have my bed and I would sleep in my mum and dads room , or on the sofa, then at his I would sleep in his bed and he would sleep on the sofa bed downstairs . I said I didn’t know and every week this was something he put pressure on me for us to share a bed, he reckoned nothing would happen , but honestly I didn’t believe that not after how it all first started anyway. Hence part of my reason for wanting to sleep apart.


Anyway he then went onto asking me how would I feel when we got intimate again, so I Said how I didn’t really know as I hadn’t really thought about it and how it was a way off yet ,which he didn’t like he was like why do you keep saying its a way off I don’t get it, it never used to be a problem us sharing a bed and stuff, but as I reminded him yet again a lot had happened since then and I needed to see drastic changes in order for anything to work out. He then asked if I would be nervous or scared about getting intimate again , so I said I didn’t know but then on thinking I said I possibly would and he didn’t like that and was like but why we’ve been intimate before why would you be worried or scared about it.So I said I didn’t know and obviously wouldn’t until that time came but how it was a long way off in my eyes.


He did NOT like this nor did he take kindly to this and for the first time ever began shouting and screaming at me in public, he had never done this before, even when we had argued in Chelmsford the week before he was more s=whispering it , saying things under his breathe or talking not full on shouting or screaming at me, he only ever before now had done this in private behind closed doors ,whether this was in my car, at his mums, at his nans or out on the street late at night but never in public where there were people walking past us.


He shouted at me about how he had rights and how he had wants and desires and couldn’t wait forever and he had the right to having sex with me etc and how whether I liked it or not he was a male with needs and desires and if he had to he would just go and do it with someone else if  he wasn’t going to get it from me , so I was like well fine then .i know your a male but so what it’s got to be two way to work out.


He then apologised and told me he was just annoyed at what he had done and caused and how he didn’t mean it..I wasn’t convinced and now more than ever had my guard up and just had that sense telling me not to trust him on this one.


He then begun accusing me of seeing someone else again and asking why I had added a male to facebook, he was a friend of mine from when I was in college that I got on well with but nothing romantic and said how we had just lost contact etc, again he didn’t like that and was certain I was seeing him and that there was more between us, again liek every other time he had accused me there wasn’t anything else going on.


We argued a lot and I made excuses to go to bed early that night saying that I was tired etc , I wasn’t I just wanted to get away from him for a bit in honesty and to call the day a night . So I sat on my phone in the darkness texting etc until I eventually fell asleep. I had planned to wake up early the next morning and get straight up and in the bath , get washed and dressed etc so was no chance of anything after his comments earlier in the day, although I knew what he was like and knew if he wanted it he’d find a way..


My plan did not work ,I was awake early enough ,However I was only wearing thin short pyjamas and didn’t feel I could get up and walk across the landing to the bathroom in them as I could hear talking in the bedroom next door (his grandads) and his grandads carer was about so instead I sat in bed waiting for it all to go quiet before getting up and running myself a bath an getting ready…. It went quiet I prepared to get up.. nope didn’t happen He came knocking on the door and came in…. fully up , washed and dressed.. like what ?!!! around 8.30am and he’s up what?? this never happens… He came in an asked if I was alright (was still very much in bed under the thick covers) and asked if I wanted a tea so said how I was going get up and have a bath … He made me a cup of tea and he asked if he could sit on the bed with me, I mean yes of course that wasn’t a problem it was his bed after all.. He sat at the end of the bed and we got chatting , like proper conversation talking … no arguing just proper genunine conversation and honestly I felt allalulah we was finally getting somewhere , he seemed to finally have gotten what I had been saying for ages now..


We were sitting talking , like proper talking, laughing , joking being light hearted we hadn’t done this in months and months and it felt absolutely amazing, I felt I was getting somewhere and getting my man back and honestly thought finally things are getting back on track and he’s being that person I fell in love with and could see myself being with…


Conversation was flowing, I was feeling the most relaxed and happiest I had with him in months and months now.. He asked to sit next to me rather than the end of the bed so I was like well yeah I don’t see a problem with that we’re only sitting on the bed talking  and he’s being nice and things are going well , yeah no issues . Again no problem we sat there carried on talking , then he went and made me a new cup of tea and some toast in bed , which was lovely.  Again no issues just carried on talking and having the most amazing heart to heart that we’d had in months, then he asked if he could lay down next to me, I thought this was a little odd , why was he asking to lay down next to me?!


But hey OK I guess… That was where it all went wrong.. I don’t even know in honesty how this is going to come out, even now sitting here typing and knowing what I know happened next even though this was back in March /Early April I cannot find the words to say or describe what came next , and I can feel myself reliving that moment all over again like its only just happened, I can feel myself getting panicked and upset, so I’m sorry I don’t know how this is going to come out and I don’t think I’m intending it to come out in any particular way I just need to get this out there, however it comes out..





Ok sooo.. What happened next was he asked to cuddle me so he was now laying down beside me cuddling me , Ok I supposed I mean it was just a cuddle right?! The next thing I knew he was moving into a new position and I could just feel his hand stroking my leg and his eyes looking me right in the eye and looking at me in a way I hadn’t felt him look at me for a long time. I felt I was ok with him just stroking my ankle and lower leg it was odd but it was Ok… Then he moved onto stroking up my upper leg and rubbing it and just laying there looking at me longlingly stroking my leg… I just thought to myself please god no , let this just be it don’t let him spoil what’s been a lovely morning , I just remembered instantly the statement he had made yesterday about “I Have rights”   He asked if I was ok , as I was now beginning to get a little tense , and just kept thinking and praying don’t let this go any further .We had only discussed this yesterday and so he knew how I felt about anything else…

The next thing I knew I felt his hand wander… further up my leg, up my shorts just by the end of them and begin stroking around higher up now, what was he doing?! what was he playing at?!


He began going further up my shorts, I was not comfortable with this and asked what he was doing and he was like it’s fine it’s ok just relax, just go with it and I was like yeah but don’t forget what I said yesterday and he was like no it’s cool just go with it , we’re going to don’t worry etc..


His hand went further to the point I could feel it as high as I was expecting and hoping it not to go… He was rubbing around and stroking and I was like I can’t do this . This not feeling right or comfy ..He ignored this.. he carried on ..He tried to put his finger inside and I was like NOOO  this isn’t happening your not doing this.. .I pulled away I told him no he backed off and was like it’s ok it’s fine don’t worry just relax your fine ,I’m not going to do anything etc, you know you can trust me, you know I respect you… Again he tried and I was like nooo , no your not doing this , this isn’t Ok .I had used the word NO . I was not consenting to anything here, not at all , nothing I didn’t want this… I froze .. What was he doing to me, why?! he told me I could trust him , how could I? How could I ever believe a word he had ever said or would ever say to me again ….


I pulled away ,. I  asked him to stop, I said No yet he didn’t appear to be listening.. .NO means NO….. I froze …I screamed and broke down in  tears, this made him move..I couldn’t believe him and what he had just attempted to do, I stood up quick and began throwing things into my bag, I then told him I was going, I said I’m having a bath and I’m leaving I cannot and will not do this anymore…. I ran to the bathroom as he tried to grab me and pull me back , I fought his hand off and locked myself in the bathroom and ran myself a bath and broke down… I couldn’t move I was numb, I felt dirty, I felt lied to , cheated… I  got in the bath frantic to clean myself , to rid him of me , no he didn’t go all the way but this was not the point.


He sat outside the door screaming and shouting and hurling abuse at me one minute , then the next sitting there all nicey nicey talking to me sweetly and softly.. I was not falling for this anymore not a chance, I rung mum barely able to speak in pieces .I had my bath and still I couldn’t leave the bathroom as he was sat right outside the door , playing Mr Innocent didn’t know what he had done wrong…Everything from our whole relationship came flooding into my head and I begun reliving each and every single thing over and over again.How had I been so stupid, how could I not see the signs, why had I defended him when friends and work raised concerns over him, how many times had he gotten angry and had near misses of his fists, how many times had he threatened things to me or his family, why had I kept on going back to him, How many times before had he forced himself on me and I just went along with it to save arguments , consenting but not wanting to… what on earth had I done…Who was this man I had been with….


Eventually he went and told me he was going to go throw himself under a bus at first I told him not to be so stupid , but then he kept saying it so I was like you know what if your going to go and get on with it them.. which obviously he didn’t take to too kindly, but I was like why keep saying these things they have no meaning behind them it’s ridiculous there are people that actually are suicidal and do go through that , it’s not a joke or something to just say because your upset or annoyed… He went storming out and his mum came storming up the stairs… She had heard the whole thing …… and could hear me shaking and sobbing ..She asked me what was going on and could she come in.i told her no .i felt so rude telling her no as this was her house after all..I told her I had only just got out the bath and had no clothes on I couldn’t come out or let her in… She told me her dressing gown was behind the door to put that on and to let her in…


I hesitated , she reassured me that he wasn’t there and that it was Ok to open the door, so I did she asked me what had happened I couldn’t bring myself to fully tell her what had happned as that thing was her Son, whether I liked that or not. and I was in their house. I told her how he had tried to have sex with me and how I wasn’t ready and I couldn’t and she sided with him and told me that by now I should be having sex with him, how it wasn’t normal that I wasn’t  and how I was being far to hard on him and how he was trying to make changes and everything he’s doing is for me but I’m making it impossible for him…


I honestly could not believe she was telling me that I should 4 weeks in after a nasty break up should be having sex with her son ..She told me I had to talk to him and be honest about what I wanted whether I wanted to be with him or not ,I honestly didn’t know I hadn’t had a choice really on anything in months probably since the September ,Don’t get wrong he’d ask me what I wanted but if it wasn’t what he wanted it was the wrong answer and he’d go off in a violent rage.


I stayed and waited for him to return, but made it very clear that I would only speak to him when he was calm.. we spoke but still I wasn’t feeling amazing or anything worth saving here .Then I was told to stay for dinner by him and his mum I refused and said no  mum was doing me a roast for when I got in , and was told no it’s on the table your eating it.. I had dinner then was like ok cool now I’m going as his mum had purposely parked her car behind mine so I was unable to get off the drive way ,I was told hold on I need to wash up first, she washed and cleared up then was like ok I’m going to go now can you move your car please and got hold on I’m just doing this bit in my colouring book first.. Then the next excuse was go for a walk with him , go and talk to him …


It was the most awkward walk ,I didn’t want to go , I didn’t feel he wanted to but knew he had put his mum up to it.. we walked to a beautiful nature reserve that I had never been too and it was a beautiful location.. we walked the whole way in silence, we sat down somewhere looking over a pond .. still neither one of us spoke. I knew in my heart it was over and that there was no going back from this, this was the end. He eventually spoke saying I take it we’re over then so not wanting anymore arguments or abuse etc I said I don’t know I’ve not said it is or it isn’t over . and he showed me messages from his friend and was like look it’s only ever been you I’ve felt this way for I can’t help it I can’t keep my hands off of you , I genuinely want to marry you, I want children with you ,I want everything with you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you …. most strangest way of showing it , if all these months this was him showing me that he loved me I dread to think how he treated his list of exes ?!


I read the text from his friend but it sounded as though his friend was siding with me over him saying how I was the only one who had tried so hard with him to make things work and even when they didn’t gave him the chances and opportunity to but nothing in my eyes was really changing.


We sat and talked and shouted a bit before walking back to his.. his mum sat me down and asked me what I had decided so I said that I hadn’t made any decisions yet and she told me I had problems and I needed serious help… erm ok thanks love , no worries about your son though?!


I went home as soon as I could and never turned back or looked back at what I was walking/ driving away from I just knew then are there this was and would be the final time I made that drive home and that I would not be coming back after that.

I got home and broke down I then realised what a controlling, abusive relationship I had been in and how the person I thought I knew and fell in love with indeed wasn’t that person instead he was phychotic, abusive, threatening, manipulating, aggressive, intimidating, cruel, hurtful , violent person who got his wicked way with me and never should have , who pushed me around , who mentally and verbally abused me,  who never really cared for or loved me , I was just another thing , another name on his list. He controlled me stopped me seeing my friends and doing things I loved activities I wanted to do. Caused issues for me at work by turning up at my work place to the point we had an order out that he wasn’t allowed anywhere near the nursery or college, to the point I was so scared of him I changed jobs not thinking with my heart just my head  all because of him..


I sat cleared my head thought about what I both needed and wanted, I spoke to mum and dad about some of what had gone on and happened and on the 23rd April 2018 I made the decision and  sent him a message after work and I still have that message and it read


Heyy, I’ve had a good long think about everything and have had a proper chance to sit down and clear my head and work out what i both need and want and the out come of things. As much as I have tried to make things work between us .I have to be brutally honest and say I just don’t have the same feelings for you anymore like I did before and I think this weekend really hit home for me just how much those feelings towards you are not there for me anymore .I’m really sorry I have tried for things to work and had hoped that week by week that those feelings and the spark for you would come back and start to grow, but honestly they just haven’t and your right it has been long enough for those feelings to have come back and to know my heart , so i’m really sorry but I can’t carry on like this anymore and am going to have to call this an end between us as I can’t carry on as things are as I will only be leading you on to believing that there is or could be something there between us and I just feel it would be too cruel on both parts to carry on , i’m sorry but this is it this is the end for us”


It was a rough few months from the end of April onwards.. I instantly this time blocked all of his friends and family as did mum, I blocked their numbers so that no one could contact me and to ensure that my decision was final and was my choice and my decision. I had enough it was making me ill being with him the constant worry, stress, anxiety of what was going to happen next, what would set him off this time, the constant water infections, IBS that I hadn’t had since I left school had come back  as he liked to have it all weekend friday- Sunday and multiple times did I consent yes, did I always want to No I felt pressured into it and knew it was I either do what he wants or deal with the anger and aggression of him. He was destroying me and as much as I truly loved him, I just had to let him go as I had to love myself more and do what was best for me.


I mean if I had stayed with him who knows what would have happened or where I would be now.. well most likely engaged to him ,married and or had children and been trapped with him unable to ever get away. I do feel lucky for getting away when I did However it wasn’t the end of things.


From the end of April when I split with him officially and knew there was no going back I had his mum turn up on my doorstep demanding his things back I’m sure he was in the car as she parked quite a way up the road and at that point despite him saying if I ever split he could never move on from me and it would take ages I’m certain he was in the car with his next girlfriend/victim as I was later informed that he’d moved on an was in a new relationship in only May but anyway I had already thrown out, given to charity or sold his things , I’ve had abusive and threatening letters from his mum (3 of) although I only ever reccieved 2 .I never replied to these. His mum turned up here a second time supposedly dropping my stuff off (a blanket and a mug) I threw those straight out.. In the end after that second Letter dad sent her a message telling her to back off and to stop contacting me as I had moved on with my life and told her if she continued we would be getting the police involved…. So  yeah it’s not been the best year or time for me in all honesty…


But as horrid a time as it was .I am Ok I have gotten back up on my feet I’m now with Grant and a lot happier than I’ve ever been ,,I’m now back to enjoying my life and doing the things I want to do and more importantly I’m free. I got away, this is part of why I wanted to share this chapter with you is because Domestic Abuse doesn’t always go reported and a lot of people are to embarrassed and ashamed to speak out about the abuse that they have suffered and feel they should have known better.NO This is not the case report it.Domestic abuse is not your fault nor will it ever be your fault , the fault lies in your abuser  not you no matter what they say do not ever EVER let anyone put that blame on you .Honestly I felt so ashamed , embarrassed, dirty, naive, stupid ,silly, like it was all my fault when actually no it wasn’t my fault it was his fault..


I should have been able to have trusted him.. Is it hard moving on absolutely it can be but for me no it wasn’t hard moving on from him because I wanted better for myself and I just felt if I stayed with someone like that who knows what would have happened to me . Honestly I don’t know if I would be here now  so in that sense no it wasn’t hard to move on and meet someone new because I deserved better and I just felt if I was allowing him to treat me in this way , why should anyone else ever treat me any better. Whether you feel you deserve it or not you do deserve so much better.


He always told me I would never meet anyone else and that if I did they’d only abuse me and hurt me and rape me, did I believe that of course for a while I believed that then I realised no this wasn’t true not everyone would do that to me because I would not allow it I wouldn’t stand for it and would kick them to the kurb too.


There are elements that are hard being in a new relationship but honestly I feel for me Grant came along at the right time I didn’t go looking for him , he found me and I feel at the right time too and I honestly feel Grant, along with my family and my old work have been my support network throughout it all whether they know that or not and have helped get me through this and Honestly I’m soo grateful I survived. I know not everyone in these situations do , hence why I feel there needs to be a lot more awareness for domestic abuse and to kick that stigma attached to it , that it’s not ok to speak out about.No whats not ok is someone treating you that way and feeling you can’t speak out why shouldn’t you.It’s got nothing to do with what your wearing , who you are, how you dress they want to do it they’ll find a way and as much as I believed I could change him and oh my did I desperately try to change him I couldn’t and no one ever will the only person that can is him , he;s the one that needs to seek the help to change.


I know he was only with his new girlfriend after me a couple weeks, wasn’t even a month before they split , they got back together and have already split up for good, that’s not her fault or mine I assume he’s done the same thing to her as he did to me. Yes she was more sensible than me and noticed earlier and got out quicker than me , yes I wish I had seen the signs and got out sooner but in the long run none of that matters, what matters is that I got away.


As the little mix song shout out to my ex goes… well this defintely was a shout to him and as the lyrics in the song say I guess I should be thanking him to some extent for the hate yous that he used to say and   shout out indeed to my ex your really quite the man , you broke my heart .. however you made me who I AM .What I mean by this is yes he honestly did break my heart by not turning out to be the person I fell in love with and for the way he treated me , he destroyed me I honestly thought he was the one.However  I am totally over him and he has to some extent as much as I don’t want to say anything nice about him I suppose he has made me who I am. As now know my self worth, I stand up for myself more than ever and will not allow anyone to push me around like he did and I have my boundaries and make them known of what is and isn’t ok .I feel I’m a whole lot stronger for being the one to end the relationship both times really and for getting out of it and for standing up for what I believe to be wrong and taking a stand against that.


Also as the song shout out to my ex says look at me now I’m all the way up and I swear you’ll never bring me down … soooo true I feel I am worth so much more than him I am so much stronger and more confident and independant in myself since him and I am doing great without him.i have met Grant I have moved on, he’s the polar opposite of the jerk my ex was like literally you wouldn’t even put the two of them in the same sentence they’re complete polar oppsoites of one another, you can’t even compare. My ex had destroyed me and everything I stood for however I’ve repaired those I’m building myself and my life back up and making it MY OWN. and he nor anyone is ever going to take that away from me or bring me down.,


I do not class my ex as a man , no man does this to a women… I’m not saying it has to just be the men doing the abusing because of course men can be the victims too, but honestly a man that belittles you, pushes you about, doesn’t listen to you, controls you, abuses you is no man at all….



If you want to ask me any questions or anything I’ll try to answer them but Honestly this has been one of the hardest things I’ve lived through this tops surgeries, hospital stays, my sisters mental health battle and has been one of the hardest things for me to open up and share I have not told or written this anywhere else.I honestly hope that this does help someone else , even if that just means opening someones mind to the things that can be going on in your friends and loved ones lives that you may not have known about or be aware of.I mean a lot of people were shocked when I split from my ex and I got a lot of “what but you both looked so happy” , ” you were the perfect couple” “you looked beautful together” A photo , a status does not mean everything is ok and I guess this is something I want to raise awareness of too.This has been a huge challenge to write and to even read back , knowing this is my life , this is my own expirences .Yes I have moved on however this is always going to be so raw a subject and something that will hurt to know I allowed myself to go through.I hope now you all understand my reasons for this blog taking so long to write and also to publish and post… I’ve done soo many edits, redrafts, deleted it , re written it, I Just had to get the words out and tell this story but in the right way…

The scary fact is there was 1.4 million people who expirenced domestic abuse last year alone in the UK.

In the UK 1 in every 4 women expirence domestic abuse every year.


but only 1 in 6  in the  have or do  survive  either an attempted or complete  sexual assault.


In the UK alone  police get a phone call about Domestic Abuse every 30 seconds.


The hardest things to hear are , well you should’ve got out sooner, you have no idea how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship unless you’ve been there.I never realised it would be so hard, you hear these things and  it shocks you , yet you never expect it to happen to you.. It’s the hardest thing to get out off, never let anyone tell you it’s easy.And oh but you looked so perfect together I thought you were going to last etc.. this is hard, you can fake a smile for a camera but really that doesn’t mean everything.


This doesn’t mean we didn’t have happy times where the smiles and laughter was genuine but on the whole it was not genuine. I am still haunted by his actions and words and I doubt that will ever leave me However I know what I would rather..



It doesn’t make you any less of a person for falling victim to domestic abuse male or female you have the right to be treated with respect and treated fairly, your no less of a woman for expirencing it nor are you any less of a man for becoming a victim.













I love you guys ..xxx






Intoductory BSL Course 02/06/18

Published June 3, 2018 by goshgurl95

So for a while now I have been wanting to learn BSL (British Sign Language) for a number of reasons really firstly because I honestly think the language is so beautiful,

secondly as a skill and tool for myself to use what with my hearing loss, as I do still struggle a lot especially if I go out to restaurants that are really busy and or noisy either with people talking or  loud music or a combination of both, and also for things like nights out where the music is sooo loud ( I know I sound like a granny) to the point you can’t hear, i mean let alone with hearing loss.

Thirdly because I work in the childcare sector I think it’s a really handy skill to have for that, as I have worked with two girls with hearing issues who were due to get hearing aids, a little boy non verbal boy whose mum taught him sign language as he got on better with that compared to makaton, and I have a little boy at the moment at my new nursery that I work with that is non verbal who may also have hearing problems and a second boy who is also undergoing hearing testing and I just think you just never know when a child may come in using BSL or needing to learn it, although it is more common to use makaton with children (something else I would love to learn and be fluent in)  and yeah also looks good on my CV especially with childcare work .


Fourthly because it is an official registered language and I just think it is such an amazingly beautiful language (I know this was reason 1 but let me explain lol) and I would just love to be able to communicate with everyone really ,as it really upsets me that a lot of deaf people who rely on BSL actually live their lives in silence if they go into town for a bit of shopping that they won’t speak to anyone as they know nobody will talk to them or be able to communicate with them and this upsets me , everyone should have someone that talks and communicates with them when they’re out even if it only a shop assistant asking if you’d like a bag or asking you if there’s anything that they can get you or whatever.I mean I’m a talkative and chatty person so for me that would be my idea of hell not having anyone to communicate with.



fifth reason I  would love to be able to teach my friends, family, boyfriend, brownies, guides, and rangers sign , even if it is only the basics just so that they can communicate with others and be able to have basic conversations with other people and to be able to understand the value of the skill too. Another reason is I am now working on my Queens Guide Award within guiding and part of that is I have to learn a new skill for a minimum of 60 hours over the course of a year and what a better thing to set myself as a challenge to learn to do and to become fluent in.


I have found finding somewhere to do an actual face to face course extremely hard to do as the ones near me run primarily by the ACL (Adult Community Learning) are all 9-11am in the morning during the week which just isn’t possible or doable for me working full-time 40hrs+ a week , and with it being childcare too so there is no way possible I would be able to do that. Online courses I find are expensive and you don’t always know what you’re paying out for, like whether they’re official courses and qualifications, whether it’s teaching you the thing etc and I just personally would rather face to face. This has been something I’ve been looking into for a while now and haven’t been very successful in finding due to them being weekday mornings and also not a lot of them about anywhere near me, so I have been hitting a blank.


I was walking home from work Friday 1st June for lunch when I spotted a post on facebook from one of the BSL charities that I have been following. Saying how they were holding a free 3-hour introduction to BSL course from 10-1pm on Saturday 2nd June in Southend, and how it had been fully booked up but due to people dropping out they now had spaces available if anyone was interested. I hadn’t seen the original post so had no idea it was even on until I saw this, of course I immediately said could I please have a place and within minutes they messaged me privately telling me the address of the venue and asking whether I would  definitely be attending, of course, no doubt about it , this was the first chance I’d had of even finding anywhere remotely close to me to BSL (about an hours drive from me)


So yesterday morning I woke up early and got ready to leave mine at around 8.20am as I needed to get petrol on my way and didn’t know if the roads would be busy as it was due to be another hot weekend, so didn’t know if a lot of people with it being a Saturday would be heading that way to the beach for the day , and I also wanted to leave a little earlier than needed to make sure I had time to find somewhere to get parked before walking over. Luck I did as I didn’t get to the car park and parked until 9.45am, there were still plenty of spaces but it was starting to get busy, and I had 15 minutes to then get across to the venue.


I found the venue easily enough as I was very familiar with the area and knew the shop next door, I met a lovely lady on the doorstep to the venue and we got talking as we were both struggling to get in, as the door was locked but a note on the door said to press the buzzer  and that the door would then open, which it didn’t , so we waited until Kayla the lady who had organised the course came down and let us in and explained how she didn’t think the buzzer was working .


We headed upstairs and took our seats waiting for everyone else to turn up. First Carol Cook and Paula Parker, who would be teaching and running the course gave us a bit of information on BSL covering common questions such as can it be used worldwide, what does BSL stand for etc.

We then started off by learning the alphabet starting with the vowels (A,E,I,O,U) before adding in all of the other letters which wasn’t too bad I already knew some of them from when I had tried to teach the Brownies the alphabet from their brownie books and how to do their names  and  had done it a few times before so that wasn’t too bad, although I didn’t know A, E,I,O,U  were all on the same hand and the 5 fingers in order pointed at by index finger of your dominant hand and were a few other letters I wasn’t familiar with such as G, Y, Z and I knew F but wasn’t sure which way round it went, so was really interesting to do that , so we did this quite a few times so that it sunk in and we understood it.


We then split into 2 groups of 7 and were given a sheet with the alphabet letters in sign for our dominant hand and had to practise our first names in finger spelling which I think I was alright with as I had attempted it before with the Brownies and also again at work as in my previous nursery setting we had the BSL alphabet on the wall , and we then had to sign our first name to the rest of our group whilst also doing  the lip pattern to our names and the others had to try to work out what our names were, Once we had done this we then had to do the same again but with our surnames.


Once we had done this we then stayed in our groups and had a competition between us to sign female names for each letter of the alphabet, the first person started with a name starting with the letter A and signed it to the person next to them and they then had to work out the name and sign it back to them before they could sign the next letter to the next person and so on and it was the first group to do it that won, so basically a race between the two groups, our group won this 🙂 .

After this, we had a tea break with tea, coffee, water, biscuits, cakes, and chocolate before we continued.


After our tea break, we then went onto learning greetings, keywords, and phrases to introduce ourselves such as :

  • Me
  • You
  • Hello/ Goodbye
  • Good Morning
  • Good Afternoon
  • Good Night

and then went onto :

  • What is your name?
  • Nice to meet you/ You too
  • How are you/  I’m fine
  • Where do you live?
  • Are you Deaf?
  • Are you Hearing?
  • See you Later
  • Please/Thank you
  • Again/Repeat
  • Slowly

We practiced these together as a full group of 14 for a while getting used to the signs and then watching Carol and Paula signing a conversation using these phrases and questions a couple of times and working out what they were saying and how they were answering.


We then moved our chairs so we had two rows of seven facing each other and we then had to sit and have a basic BSL conversation with the person opposite us starting with Hello or good afternoon, how are you and then replying, then going onto asking names and where we live and whether we are deaf or hearing  and signing back names and places we live  and answering questions back to the person who signed it to us, to show that we understood what they had said . This was really interesting to do once we had done that with the person opposite one half of us moved down one chair and then did the same thing again with someone different and we repeated this a couple of times. The reason being was to get us used to using the signs and finger spellings and also because everyone signs slightly differently so it got us used to different peoples ways of signing.


Once we had done that a couple of times we then watched Paula and Carol sign some more conversations to each other and then they chose people at random from the full group to have a sign conversation with and had to reply in sign to questions that they asked, as well as doing the facial expressions and lip pattern of the words.


After this, unfortunately, it was the end of the course, the time honestly flew by and it did not feel like we had been there for 3 hours and honestly all it did was grow my love of the language more and make me so much more determined to want to go forward with this and get my level 1, level 2 and level 3 and to be able to do it fluently and to be able to sign fluent conversations . The ladies running it were absolutely amazing and the course was fantastic I certainly learned a lot.


I enquired about going forward and doing my level 1 as I knew that they had mentioned earlier in the day about how they have their charity which I follow on facebook and was how I found out about the day (Don’t shout out “BSL”) and they had mentioned how they run both level 1 and level 2 BSL courses. They said that they have two level 1classes starting September this year on weekday evenings, However, unfortunately, both of them are fully booked, so I was told to keep an eye out on the facebook page and website as they said that they’d had a lot of interest and were looking into running another level 1 class . So I left feeling that I would absolutely be doing this and keep my eyes peeled, as I got on well with the two teachers as well as everyone else and left having made some new friends that are now on my facebook, who have said about us meeting up for coffee to practise our sign and to catch up , and I just thought I wouldn’t mind travelling to Southend once a week for a couple of hours to learn BSL.


I spent the afternoon looking around the shops in Southend to take a bit more of a day of it before returning home early evening. Where I then messaged  Don’t Shout Out BSL page , as I had meant to speak to Carol before I left about getting a certificate of attendance made up as proof for work and for my Queens Guide Award record, as well as just generally thanking them for a fantastic course and to express my interest again in going further with it when I received this message back:


Hello, Bethan. It was lovely to meet you this morning and so glad that you enjoyed it. Well, I have some good news! Paula and I spoke about you this afternoon as we were very impressed with how you were doing and your obvious enthusiasm. So we are very happy to squeeze you in to the Monday evening course if you are interested. If you are, please let me have your email address and I will send the details over to you. Also, if you can send me your home address and I’ll pop an attendance certificate in the post to you. X” 


I was so excited I honestly couldn’t believe it, I was shocked. I had really enjoyed it but was surprised to hear that they both had been talking about me and had thought I had picked it up really quick , and of course messaged Carol back with my email address to get more information about the level 1 course sent over and of course my home address for an attendance certificate so I can use it as proof to work and my Queens Guide Award record, I honestly didn’t expect this at all but of course I have absolutely said that I would love a place on the course and have accepted can’t believe that from September this year I will be working towards achieving something off of my bucket list that I have wanted to do for so long and is such a vital skill too. I will have to do three exams for level 1 with the first being in November so 6 weeks after starting but I honestly cannot wait.


Things in life seem to be looking on the up and very happy and positive again which is great. I will update you on the course as and when I get more information about it and will try to make videos what I have learned so far or what I am learning as I’m doing it 🙂


speak soon 🙂 xxxx


Meet Kermit…

Published June 3, 2018 by goshgurl95

Ok so in my last blog that I posted last night where I updated you all on whats been going on since my last blog post ,I mentioned at the bottom of the blog how I had another couple of things that I wanted to mention and talk about but however felt that they deserved their own blog posts, so the first is this.. The title doesn’t give much away, I hope, Or at least I don’t think it does so anyway let’s get on with things…..


So we all know who Kermit is right?! cute green frog from Disney’s the Muppets (one of my favourite Disney shows and my favourite Muppets character too) ..I promise this has nothing to do with Disney or green frogs, well kinda doesn’t …It’s a person..


Ok so I may have been a little naughty and been keeping some secrets from you and well most people too in honesty, I mentioned briefly that I was a single woman again, this doesn’t bother me as it was completely my choice to end my previous relationship which I’ll explain more about at a later date, not sure when though.


I recently reactivated my Tinder account not expecting to match with anyone or expecting anything from it really but just to simply reactivate the account really. However this, of course, didn’t go to plan and I ended up matching with a really cute guy and got talking to him and we just seemed to hit it off and continued talking for quite a while online over the app and also on facebook, just getting to know each other.


We decided to meet up on the 5th May 2018 for the first time, and well what can I say… true gentleman, he drove to mine and picked me up (bonus that he drives) …

I was looking out for him from my mum’s bedroom window as her bedroom overlooks the front of the house, watching and waiting, because I mean you have to be so careful meeting people online you never know who they really are, but I wasn’t going to tell him not to pick me up either though, plus I wanted to get a good look of him first, just to make sure he matched his pictures that I had seen of course 😉

I watched him driving around looking for the house number and the butterflies yet again for about the millionth time kicked in and it all begun to feel real, I was so excited to meet him. Once he pulled up he got out of the car and waited next to it…….

Ooohhhh he matched his pictures alright, and I definitely liked what I was seeing, very nice looking guy, blonde hair that he had styled into spikes, cute plaid shirt, 3/4 length shorts, sunglasses oooohhh yes 🙂


I acted like I hadn’t seen him and waited for him to text me to tell me that he was outside and then acted like I had no clue at all as to where he had parked, I totally knew both of these things already but still couldn’t have him knowing this now could I 😉


Once I went out he gave me such a lovely cuddle and instantly got chatting, no time for any nerves and we went out for lunch at a lovely tearoom in Heybridge, Essex


and really got chatting and seemed to get on really well , that we forgot to order food and drink and kept having the waitress coming over .. OK  probably more like 2/3 times of asking us if we were ready to order and I think in the end we both just quickly chose the first thing that we spotted that sounded good (it all sounded good) . Once we had finished lunch we both agreed we weren’t ready to go home just yet and so hopped back in the car and drove a couple of minutes up the road to Maldon and we went for a lovely walk along the prom in the beautiful sunny weather (a rarity here) enjoying every second of this rare beautiful weather   and walked along chatting, getting to know each other.


We walked to the end of the prom before sitting on a bench right near the sea and again just sitting talking getting to know each other and having a laugh and finding out more about each other, and watching the tide coming in up to the boats. We then had a slow walk back up the prom, stopping for ice-cream he had a lemon sorbet ice-cream cone and I had a small pot of my favorite Mint Choc Chip Ice-Cream and started really having a laugh and joke with each other.


He then drove me home where again we didn’t stop talking, anyone that knows me will know usually I am quite shy and quiet at first until I have gotten to know people due to my past with bullying etc. However actualllyy once people really know me, they come to realise I’m not a quiet person in the slightest and I think this definitely showed today as we both were non stop talking.


Once we got back to mine being the true Gent that he is, he got out of the car with me and we stood on the driveway chatting and gave me another lovely warm hug to say bye and said that he would text me and speak to me soon.


Oh, he sure did soon text me back, well Ok I may have text him first… I know, I know totally against girl code, I’m sorry I broke girl code of waiting for them to text first …

I just him “Hey Kermit, thank you for lunch and for a lovely time, it was lovely to finally meet you  and put a name to a face and to have been able to get to know you better, I would love to meet up again 🙂 xx


He then texted back “ You are very welcome I am glad that you had a lovely afternoon, yes it was nice to finally meet and have a name to a face, yes I would love that too if you would fancy it”


(ready & waiting in mums room for date 1) 


Ermmm yesss no doubt about wanting to see him again, We ended up texting back and forth all evening until I went to bed and this continued on happening so anyway date 2 happened on the evening of Wednesday the 9th May..


Again being a true gent he came and picked me up and we went over to Freeport and played 3 games of bowling, I was totally amazing at the bowling it was spectacularly breath taking 😉 I totally beat him , Don’t listen to anything else that he’ll try and tell you 😉  So yes we had a good laugh at my amazing bowling skills, as I was determined that there was no way I was having the bumpers up ,I’m a young adult now I should totally be able to do this without them 🙂


My bowling skills definitely gave us lots of laughs and lots to talk about too, not that we were struggling with that again!  I remember him calling me a cowgirl as I wore my white tassel top, brown Gilet, jeans and brown shoes. I had never thought of it in this way, good job I didn’t wear my brown hat and scarf too lol but that really made me laugh, so it was nice that we were already having a laugh and banter between us.



( Date 2- proof of how good I am at bowling if anyone needed this) 


Date 3, then happened Tuesday  15th May.  This time he had booked us a table at a really nice local Chinese restaurant that I never even knew existed, good timing as I’d had my hair done earlier that evening,  Again being a gent he came and picked me up.


Again we had a lovely date and had lots to talk about and spent a lot of time getting to know each other again and sharing food too , we shared duck pancakes to start and then mains we shared  we had chilli beef, egg fried rice and of course chicken balls (can’t beat prawn or chicken balls with Chinese) . We then finished off with Ice-cream he had vanilla and I had my favourite mint choc chip again, not very often that’s an option in restaurants so of course, I was going to jump at that chance 🙂

Also on this date, it was the first time he had really complimented an outfit of mine so that was a huge confidence booster and was just really sweet of him and made me feel maybe he did like me and as though I wanted to keep making an effort to impress and look nice.



(forgot to take a photo in the dress, but basically was this dress, brown wedged heels, brown bag, red lipstick)


It’s very safe to say that date 4 happened… on Saturday 19th May .


This time I drove as he was working a split shift so made more sense for me to drive and meet him so that we would get to spend more time together, we went out for lunch at a lovely restaurant in Great Totham called the Bull and Willow rooms, Again we had loads to talk about .I had a Fish chowder and he had a burger and chips all very nice .  We decided not to order dessert and to go and buy an ice- cream from a corner shop to walk around with , so that we could get out and enjoy yet another lovely sunny date, he had a magnum and I had peanut m&m (my favourite chocolate, never knew they did them in ice cream too absolute heaven even if most of it ended up on the floor )  . He took for me for a walk around Great Totham as this was the area that he had grown up in.


We then  stopped off at the park he used to play in when he was little and ended up sitting in one of those big round rope swings and sat there cuddled up swinging on the swing chatting and having a laugh , before walking me back to my car as he had to get back to work for the afternoon….

                                ( Ready for date 4) 


Each date was getting better and better and being better than the last which I didn’t always think was possible :).


We had arranged for date 5 to be the next morning and had planned to go for breakfast where we had lunch for our first date. However I had to cancel last minute due to coming down with my sister’s sickness bug, that had also been doing the rounds at work. I was gutted as I had been excited and looking forward to our breakfast date, and I hadn’t wanted Grant (Kermit) thinking that I was blowing him off or that I was no longer interested as this couldn’t be further from the truth.


Being the gentleman that he is he was totally understanding and had no problem with it and wished me well, He was actually really cute though as although I couldn’t see him that day he was popping over to his nans and stopped off at mine to drop a boxset of DVDs off to me (SAW) for me to watch in bed , I watched the first 3 or 4 the two days that I was off as I had really wanted to watch them for a while to find out what all the hype was about really,  OMG they’re amazing they get better as they go on..


Anyway so our new 5th date ended up being Saturday 26th May and again he was a gentleman and came and picked me up , we went to Freeport and had a rematch at another 3 games of bowling and It’s fair to say I wasn’t as bad as last time first game wasn’t great on my part, second one got better and I was catching him up… The Third there is photographic evidence of but I actually beat him with 99 points, a whole 10 points more than him and ended up with 3 strikes that game.


We then went across to TGI Friday’s for something to eat and some mocktails, seeing as Grant was driving. I think I ended up having the fried shrimp with Jack Daniel’s dipping sauce to start, whilst Grant had chicken strips with Jack Daniel’s dipping sauce and then Grant had steak and chips for his main and I had the Jack Daniel’s chicken burger with chips and apple slaw .. We then debated having a dessert and decided that we would share an Oreo Sundae , one glass two spoons kinda sharing 🙂


We then went for a wander around the shops (his idea I will add) and ended up having a look in Clarks as I needed some new black going out heels and also needed some black sandals as mine had recently fallen apart just a couple of weekends before… Oh, My … who knew a man could be soo good at ladies shoe shopping ?!!!! I spotted a lovely pair of black heels in Clarks that I loved, look at them, put them down and carried on looking around. I then for whatever reason just had to go back and have another look at them, when Grant then told me that he really liked them , so I decided I would try them on OH MY !!! amazing fit and sooo comfy and even better in the sale for £20 instead of £45 only pair in my size, so it’s safe to say that I rescued them from the shelf and they came home with me.


We then had a mooch around a couple other shops and ended up popping into TK Maxx and WOW he knows his ladies shoes alrighty as he picked me out a pair of black sandals off the shelf that I hadn’t spotted, tried them on and again perfect fit, so it’s safe to say that he will be coming shoe shopping with me again as I usually really struggle to find shoes that fit my fat, wide feet, especially so in summer months.


(Proof I beat him and the heels I had to rescue)


Date 6 most definitely happened, this happened on 29th May …   Again he came and picked me up  We went out for pizza at Pizza hut for dinner, but as we were earlier than planned we popped over to the cinema to pick up tickets to see I Feel Pretty for after our dinner, he paid for my ticket which I totally didn’t expect especially as he has an unlimited card so he got in for free, as we share out paying for things as I don’t agree that it should always be a man that pays, I work and earn my own money so I like to pay too …

Anyway, we then went to Pizza Hut where we shared a sharing size  BBQ American chicken pizza and had the unlimited salad bar too, again lots of talking going on.We then went to the cinema and ordered a large bag of sweet popcorn (his favourite) to share and two large Tango Ice blasts and went to find our seats… The film was really good, part way through we ended up sitting closer and closer to each other

I ended up sitting there tickling his fingers and then he held my hand for a bit, before moving his hand to my knee and I sat there holding his arm and then moved my hand to hold his hand that was on my knee and we stayed sitting like that for the duration of the film. Once the film finished we then got up and left the screen and as usual, he held all the doors open for, but this time holding my hand, and he did that right the way up to the door of the car…


We got back to mine and we sat in his car chatting as we always do but this time it was for a lot longer, or at least it felt that way, but in a good way not like a it’s dragging out kind of way or anything … and then it just happened… He lent over and kissed me !! like proper kissed me !! our first proper kiss and OMG  it was absolutely amazing, literally so magical, instantly there was something there that I hadn’t experienced in a kiss before it was electric. It was as though the world around us stood completely still, and then it happened again at least another two times both being just as magical as the first. We both got out the car and got talking on the driveway as usual and then it happened again, all of them so perfect and meaningful and as magical and special as the last.


They were the sort of kisses that are long-lasting in the memory the memorable kind, like the ones you see in all of these romance films, exactly like that and I honestly didn’t think kisses like that were real I honestly believed these sorts of kisses only happened in books and films… clearly they don’t as I’ve experienced this myself now just no words at all for it.


It was the perfect night too as it was such a beautiful stormy night, as soon as I had got in the thunder, lightning and rain came down and was truly beautiful. Both of us text each and said how amazing those kisses had been and how for both of us there was something there like that spark just something magical.





We have been constantly texting   and things have been going really well between us and  we’ve just been getting on really well ,we have a good laugh and joke with each other even if it is at my expense sometimes (bowling comes to mind)  but yes , well I’ll let you see some of the texts really  :



Soo on that note I would like to introduce you all officially to Grant aka Kermit, whose 25 and a chef and lives very close to me,  he is a true gentleman, kind, caring, amazing at ladies shop shopping


and above all……….

My boyfriend after we finally broke the silence making it official on  1st June 2018.





June 2018 (Update)

Published June 2, 2018 by goshgurl95

So it’s been a while since my last blog post, This was not intended I had planned to write my next blog straight after the last one I posted, well actually if I’m being honest I did write it straight after my last but just never finished typing it up and publishing it. At the time this was due to not having the time to do this.


However, since then there have been other reasons for me not posting, which have been quite personal. Basically, I had planned in my last blog post to have been telling you that I had met someone and was in a relationship with them and about how all of that was going. However… Long story short I ended the relationship as it was a very abusive and controlling relationship that took over my life ,I may blog more about this at a future date  ….However, that’s all behind me now and things are once again back to normal and are a lot brighter and happier…


I do now have a fair bit to update on really I guess and I do absolutely owe this to you , please do accept my apologies for my absence  but please do understand that this wasn’t an intentional break and now that things are alright again I have made my return, this was not the only thing that was given up , my whole freedom pretty much had been as I stopped doing a lot of the things I loved and enjoyed including my girlguiding rangers group, going out with friends for nights out etc, anyway enough of all of that….


Due to circumstances I have been spending a lot more quality time with my family and friends such as  going out for dinner with my family, going out for girly nights out again and meals out with my friends on a more regular basis and I’m actually finding that I am able to talk to my friends and family a lot more since which is nice to be able to do that and have the time to do this too . Recently I went on an alpaca experience day with mum and dad as part of my Christmas present ( my sister was supposed to come but was unwell) Being a massive animal fan this was right up my street we got to hear about the history of the farm, meet some of the alpacas including their  youngest ones,  took the Alpacas for a walk, not that they particularly wanted to walk as they ended up misbehaving and doing their own thing but anyway thought was there lol



Since I last blogged a lot has changed again I’m now in a new job ,Still doing the same thing so still very much childcare and nursery work but I have since my last blog moved to a new nursery about 2 months ago now that is a lot closer to home and seems to have more career prospects after completing my level 3, which I am just finishing up the paperwork to begin .


The new job is going quite well, It’s more money as since I last blogged I have finally completed my level 2 childcare as well as finally passing my level 1 functional skills maths on my second attempt, anyone who knows me will know how much of a struggle maths is for me.I know a lot of people say they don’t like maths or struggle but it’s especially difficult for me with my Dyscalculia (mathematical dyslexia) so this was a Huge thing for me and I luckily found out I had passed this a couple of days before I was due to move to my new nursery, so a totally fresh start. It’s been a little surreal to be working as a qualified level 2 but really not much has changed as I’m still undertaking a key person role, still have the same duties etc. Just a different building, different staff and children really 🙂


However that said I do of course really miss my previous nursery especially so the children and families and of course the friends that I made in the staff however this hasn’t stopped me seeing my old work friends out of work as I recently attended a joint afternoon tea for my first room leader who is due to have a baby very, very soon and for my 2-year-old room , room leader who gets married in September this year which was absolutely lovely to catch up with everyone and just confirmed how much I have missed them . I do aim to meet up with them as much as I possibly can and do plan to pop into the nursery from time to time too especially for their events such as the summer and Christmas fetes.



(Beautiful leaving gifts and cards from staff and children)


I also left with some great memories such as my first world book day dressing up as a giraffe from the book dear zoo which was our theme that year and also was one of my favourite books when I was little. This also happened to be my first meeting and assessment with my level 2 assessor, so what a great way to meet her 🙂


I also left with amazing memories of all of the children, girly evenings out after work for spontaneous Chinese meals, going out to celebrate everyone’s birthdays over dinner and nights out, evenings out to creams for ice cream and desserts , the laughs and jokes we all and mostly the amazing children and the times I spent with them watching them grow and learning new things.


Since my last blog post, I have now gone back to my Girlguiding Rangers group and am back to attending meetings every other Tuesday night and have finally after a number of years now since completing my adult leadership with Brownies and Guides (which I have recently received my five-year award for) (it was due September 2017 but just been presented with it) but anyway ..


I have started and nearly completed my Look Wider Award which is a Girlguiding award that’s made up of different sections of activities  and challenges to complete such as outdoors, independant living, leadership, creativity, etc) ,I have also very recently decided to start my Commonwealth award AND on top of this I have also started my Queens Guide Award , which is the highest award that you can achieve in Girlguiding and usually takes around 3 years to complete and includes lots of challenges such as service to Guiding, expedidition or exploration, a research project, learning a new skill for over the course of a year, and quite a few other bits and pieces too which is aimed to be challenging , so this is exciting for me and so far all is going really well with that . I have set up a separate Facebook page, Instagram, and blog for this if anyone is interested in following my adventures in Guiding.


Also speaking of guiding I have finally learned how to sew .. .ok well blanket stitch and had gotten myself up to date on sewing all of my badges onto my camp blanket… However since doing so over those snowy few days we had I have now accumulated more badges and am no longer up to date on this, so I guess that’s what I’ll be doing either later tonight or tomorrow now that I’ve remembered this 🙂



(Taken from my Girlguiding account I can’t seem to find the original photo sorry)


I am also finding myself spending a lot more time writing  more so typing which I am finding really therapeutic and enjoying and this can be anything really  mainly though they seem to be blog type posts and diary type entries that I have just been typing up and saving it onto my laptop  now that I finally have Microsoft Word back on my laptop again .I’m not quite sure what has brought my flare and love of writing back , but I’m not knocking it whatsoever as I always have loved writing since a young age and was a bit worried that it was drying up and I wasn’t any good at it anymore or as though the passion had been lost, so I am really pleased that this has returned and who knows it might even end up sharing some of these things , I mean they’re not much they can be diary/ blog type entries, daily thoughts etc but yeah who knows what I will actually do with them 🙂  this could also mean more blogs for you too you lucky lot 😉 Oh and I’ve gotten my love of reading back too not that you’ll be able to tell from the photo below, I was very excited by the prospect of free books 😉



I have another two blog posts coming shortly, as I don’t feel it’s fair for them to be included in this I feel they need their own blog post so I shall blog you soon 🙂  xxxx



May 2017 update

Published January 29, 2018 by goshgurl95

OH  my it’s May already where has this year gone, I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last blog which was back in December now !. This blog is just going to be an update and to just let you all know I’m still alive… Still here :P, still blogging.Not forgotten about any of you.

I know I’ve been quiet for A while now and I do as always apologise for that I’ve just been busy with my new job, which I am absolutely loving every second of and am absolutely kicking myself that I didn’t get into this career path sooner.Honestly, my biggest regret is not going into childcare when I left school and doing it at college rather than doing animal care for 2  and a half years, before dropping out and working in a career I absolutely hated with a passion and made me so desperately unhappy. Before finally after 4 years being able to break free of the awful place and things that happened whilst I was there.


Work is going so so well I’ve been in my new job just over 6 months now already, seriously where has that time gone ?!! The children are great so funny and have brilliant personalities and I work with the best team of ladies I could ever have asked to get to know and work with, my manager is an absolute star so, so incredibly supportive and helpful every step of the journey and is just genuinely a lovely person.

It isn’t the easiest career anyone who tells you childcare is easy, so, so totally wrong or in the wrong job nothing about it is easy , but honestly for me I love the job, I enjoy getting up in the morning to see everyone I work with and especially the children and their little faces every morning that it honestly makes everything so worth it.It is THEEE most rewarding job, seeing the children achieve something new or learning how to do something and just generally becoming incredible people is more than I could ever ask.It’s scary to think that the children I have been working with since joining the team in November are going to school in September, It’s exciting for them but I am definitely going to miss each and every one of them, won’t be so easy for me as it will be for them but it’s lovely looking back to when I first started to this point now and seeing how far each and every single one of them has come .

As well as working 5 days a week in my new job, Where I am an apprentice so this means on top of working within the nursery I also have to go to college to which is once a week from 9 -2.15pm where I do two hours of lessons/workshop going over work etc and then we get a quick break before going to the computer room and doing an hour of self-study typing up notes from the morning or working on our assignments and then I do an hour of ICT  functional skills at level 1 .Then straight after I have to do an hour of maths functional skills , as I didn’t get a GCSE in maths at school due to my mathematical dyslexia (Dyscalculia) and school being unsupportive or helping, to the point they told me not to bother turning up for the exam as I would just be setting myself up to fail and that if I did turn up there would be no paper on the desk. Admittedly I am struggling with the maths but I’ll get there, it’s not like I have a lot of choice if I don’t pass I fail everything meaning I won’t be able to do my NVQ 3 childcare next year and also meaning I will not be able to work within childcare, so there’s a lot of pressure and a lot riding on me passing it.

So this means if I’m not at work I’m working on my course work and assignments or sorting bits out for observations and assessments or whatever.However also on top of that I am still pursuing being a Brownie leader through Girlguiding , although it does mean I do get there later due to my work finishing hours and getting there in the rush hour traffic, but I do my best to get there as close to time as I can.I’m usually anything between 15-30 mins late all depending if I get out of work on time and the traffic getting back.

I have also recently joint TWO rangers groups (also a part of Girlguiding) However this means I can still be a big child and enjoy activities and socialising and being silly really, whereas with the brownies and guides I have to have my sensible adult leader hat on.I am only really technically supposed to belong to one ranger group, but in all honesty, I like both the groups I went to visit and they’re both completely different one is a large group, one is smaller both meet different days and is every other week.There has only been one week that’s been the same theme which was a chocolate themed night but both units did different things one we did a chocolatier workshop and actually made chocolate lollies and chocolate pizzas, learnt more about chocolate, tasted cocoa beans.Whereas with the other unit we did word searches, easter egg hunt, made flannel bunnies, played a card game where you can snatch prizes (I ended up winning the main prize of a Freddo Easter egg) and enjoyed a chocolate fountain.So I’ve just decided to do both seeing as I’m paying for it anyway, so shhh that’s our secret that I’m doing both lol

On top of this I also like to now socialise and go out either with friends or people from work who are also my friends, and with working in a nursery there are a lot of social events  Christmas parties, engagement parties, birthday meals, birthday nights out, summer party, cinema trips etc and I honestly love hanging out with everyone outside of work.We’ve gone for spontaneous Chinese meals after work.

So This is kind of why I have been extremely quiet for a while really .I’m honestly loving everything right now and just enjoying life, I kind of want to say for the first time really as I honestly probably for the first time feel happy in all if not most areas of my life work is going well , I’m enjoying going out , I even weirdly enjoy doing my college work ,yes there was issues to start with so the college side of things got messed up and restarted in February this year as opposed to November when I first started but it’s cool it now means I have until the 9th of April next year to complete my level 2 qualification , already I’ve managed to get 36% of my assignments/observations completed and have another two due in , Thursday after next so that should then be more of my work signed off 🙂 .


Medically everything is ok, soon , although a few bits and bobs going on that I need to get addressed and soon although I keep saying this and haven’t actually gotten round to sorting it out yet, but it’s on the to-do list .I’ll update on all things relating to that once I know what’s going on too , the joys but hey life goes on 🙂 and I’m alright Hopefully just something simple really but yes a doctors appointment is on the cards soon.


Surgery wise everything is on hold what with my job now and everything I just physically haven’t got the time to be doing it at the moment , If I was able to take the time off and not get behind on work or things I need to be doing and whatever then yes I probably would have either done it or at least been further along the line of getting to that point , but it’s alright I’m ok with it .It’s been my choice to not pursue it any further at least whilst I’m studying and doing my apprenticeship, possibly even after that we will just have to see how life goes 🙂 .Honestly though I feel like I’m in a better place with appearance and everything , no I’m not 100% confident or there but I honestly feel my job has changed so much about me and in a way brought the real me out , or at least is helping for that to happen and to be an option again.


Charity and support groups wise I’m very much on the quiet side too, this doesn’t, however, mean I’m no longer interested or don’t want to be doing things or attending events but being on apprentice wages means I have to be really careful with money.Especially with having to pay for my car that is on finance and I’m still paying off, my phone bill , petrol it doesn’t stretch much further than that and even that at times can be a stretch but honestly to me the money doesn’t matter yes it has meant I’ve not been able to attend as many events such as mingles , or coffee mornings either purely due to the money side of things in being able to afford transport to London or wherever or with being at work or having work meetings and things going on .


A lot of the time now I get in from work go to brownies/ guides and rangers if it’s the nights I’m doing that and go to bed, other nights I’m either on my laptop getting work done for assignments or logging time on my smart assessor that tracks all my progress with work and everything or honestly I’m too tired and I’m sitting falling asleep with a cup of tea or hot chocolate in front of the TV but it has all been worth it and is worth it and I wouldn’t give any of this up for the world.983926_10208903861330560_2128893743693654853_n17951566_10209036125197074_3084598708617598551_n18157018_10209142164567992_5104280672017074301_n18157810_10209142164047979_7069099122975492532_n18193769_10209142163407963_5693944508214311331_n18300890_10209191140472359_3286067035124244431_n18699927_10209356716011644_7417896640997487890_n18767575_10209356716291651_1583855344217673928_n