Deaf Awareness Week 2019

Published May 20, 2019 by goshgurl95

so I know it’s now the end of the week and deaf awareness week 2019 is coming to a close however it’s not quite over yet….

Deaf awareness week is a week that is generally important for anyone really but especially for those affected with deafness. For me this a hugely important week..

I was born with a condition that isn’t that well known or heard of..known as Microtia.

Microtia is a condition. that affects 1 in every 7,000 births and affects more boys than girls and results in the underdevelopment or complete loss of the ear or in some cases both ears. For me I was born with right side microtia meaning I was born with a peanut size fold of skin in place of a right ear.known as grade 3, basically the grade before grade 4 which is when you have nothing at allGrades-of-Microtia1-e1343342425174




. As a result this means I was born with no hearing to the right side. As a young child I accepted this as me and part of who I was ,referring to it as my little ear.. I had emergency surgery on my little ear at 3 years old due to cartilage pushing through the top of my little ear turning my ear purple due to my ear being underdeveloped and there being no room for the cartilage to go.. This then had to be repeated a few months after as it happened again.



However growing up with a visible difference wasn’t easy and I regularly got bullied and had fun made out of me because of the appearance of my ear.


So much so at the age of 10 I made the decision to undergo major surgery to reconstruct my ear.. Taking cartilage out of my ribs and using the piece of skin I had in place of an ear I  was in surgery for 8 hours and then remained in hospital for a week recovery , where I had an allergic reaction to morphine.. not fun lol… I then had the second stage of this at 11 years old which involved taking a skin graft to create the ear flap. This time I was only in over night and in theatre for a shorter period of time..
The bullying didn’t stop it only continued. So much so that in year 9 I tried to take my own life..


Anyway when I left school and moved to college and felt I was in a better and more positive place,  I decided to create my blog , that you are hopefully reading now, to help raise awareness for microtia along with my other medical conditions in the hope of helping at least 1 other person and their family to not feel alone and isolated growing up with microtia..

Through writing my blog I have been given some incredible opportunities such as having my story  shared in my local newspaper, being featured in that’s life magazine, great ormond street hospitals blog, featured in great ormond street members matters magazine with a double page spread and being the cover story on the front of the magazine, BATOD (British Association OF the Deaf) magazine. And also  given a speech to over 140 paying people including medical professionals such as consultants, audiologists, surgeons etc at the microtia UK charity launch party.Including my very own consultant and surgeon Neil Bulstrode.




Throughout life I have always struggled with my hearing. When I was 16 I met another couple of girls who are  similar in age to me at a microtia mingle who told me about BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) of course this instantly was something of huge interest to look into and straight away I  got in contact with my consultant and surgeon Neil Bulstrode,  who straight away organised for me to trial one at my next hospital appointment… Safe to say one of the best and emotional experiences I’ve had. I never realised how little  I could hear and how much I was missing out on and never knew some things even made sounds such as fans, the noise of high heels, pages of a magazine turning, I heard my phone ringing in my bag on a noisy street for the first time, began to be able to pick out conversations in a busy waiting room which otherwise would be one big noise where I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to pick anything individual out… I was then referred to the Royal national throat nose ear hospital to begin the process to see if I qualified for a BAHA..


However this was not an easy journey or without its set backs. The first hearing tests I had were the standard hearing tests and then in depth tests testing my bone frequency and conduction, repeating words said etc .After this I went back up to see the consultant for the results where my right ear came out as expected in the standard hearing test and the repetitive tests… However my left ear did not and was cause for concern.. I was told I had a hearing loss to the left side  where it had to act as both ears for so many years and had become strained , meaning I was diagnosed with bilateral sensorineural hearing loss and was sent straight back down to audiology to get hearing aid impression taken and an emergency appointment to return the following week to get my hearing aid fitted.








Meaning my BAHA at that point was put into the back burner as it was more important to fix the left side first. Once this was sorted the BAHA journey started up again..

This started with consultant appointments, lots of background information being taken, a weeks trial of a BAHA on a headband, diary logs to keep of what I could hear with the trial BAHA, thoughts feelings, what worked and didn’t work etc..

But finally I got the go ahead and surgery was booked. Slight set back on my intended surgery day with an emergency coming in and my surgeon being the only one that could do either surgeries.. Eventually aged 18 I underwent BAHA surgery.

A few months later and I got switched on.. Best feeling ever and honestly never looked back it has been the most life changing thing I’ve done and yet a few years prior I would have been embarrassed to have it on show but once my baha came along I honestly didn’t and still don’t care what it looks like as the benefits of it outweigh anything else and ill happily wear my hair up and talk about it..

. I was also at this point registered deaf through the council and had specialist deaf doorbell and fire alarms fitted to help me around the house.. The doorbell looks like a standard doorbell.. However it also has a portable device that I can move where ever I am in the house that with flash with blue lights if the doorbell goes , so this meant for the first time I could hear the door going or know it was going no matter where in the house I am .


We also realised that actually without my BAHA on , which I don’t wear of a night .It would be highly unlikely I would hear the fire alarm going off , if it was to go off during the night , so I now have two of my own fire detectors one that is at the top of the stairs and one downstairs near to the kitchen door , I then have a vibrating pad, that if the fire alarm goes off in the night will cause the pad that goes under my bed sheet to vibrate rather violently and will then wake me to alert me to the fire alarm going off.

In terms of listening to music , this is also something that is very difficult for me to do, unless I am at home listening to music through my phone or laptop I can’t really listen to music like everyone else does walking round the street or whatever, as for me if I do this I cannot hear anything other than my music. no traffic, no cars, no people, nothing which actually is really dangerous.I was also finding with regular headphones I would be disorientated whether this was in a classroom setting at school with the big sound cancelling headphones, which I managed to be allowed to get out of wearing as I just got so confused and disorientated and didn’t know where sound was coming from etc, and this was kind of similar to that of headphones.. that was until however I found this.




which is a single earphone/ headphone that sound cancels , meaning that I can wear this solely in my left ear, the only functioning ear I have without having the right earphon/headphone just flopping around which used to upset and annoy me as well as get tangled up around me and or clothing, so yeah this was great for this, but also the fact it sound cancels means that I can have my music playing directly into my left ear I don’t need the sound as loud on my phone or ipod and means it cancels to cause any disorientation and additional sounds on the left side, whilst being able to hear everything else with my BAHA.

In September this year I got the opportunity to do something I’ve wanted to do for so long and begun learning British sign language at level 1 and wow it has totally inspired Me and my love for sign language has just grown to date I have passed my first 2 of three exams with the final one being just  weeks away now . This has genuinely been one of the best things I have done and has helped give me more sense of belonging and community as well as  another form of communication to use not only for my own hearing issues but to communicate with others in our community. Learning has made me more inspired and driven to keep going as far as possible with sign to help others to the point I am now wanting to work with deaf children in future, teach sign language classes to children and adults, get up to level 6 with BSL and take my interpreter exam too…

As deaf awareness week 2019 draws to a close I today have watched hands 4 voices signing choir and been covered completely in goosebumps and moved emotionally by the performance I couldn’t stop smiling so much so I am on the waiting list to join the hands fit voices choir and have also recently found out that I have  gained a place on level 2 British sign language in September this year.. The journey and love for sign and helping others continues and I couldn’t be happier..


I will also be running a 5k inflatable assault course for microtia UK later this year as well as taking part in RBC Race for the kids too any sponsors for either would be amazing please ask for the links if you are interested in donating or if you would like any more information about any of these charity events or anything mentioned in my blog

If I could take a magic pill and wake up tomorrow morning no microtia and no hearing problems I wouldn’t take it.. Genuinely  I wouldn’t change any of it for the world without it I wouldn’t be me not that it defines me or who I am .It’s just part of me but  I wouldn’t have had the experiences or the journeys that ivd had an nor would I have met some of the amazing people that I’ve come to know and some have become truly special friends.



Health Update May 2019

Published May 16, 2019 by goshgurl95

So as I began to explain in my last blog , I have been very quiet on here for personal reasons in regards to my work life ,if you haven’t read that blog go read that one before you read this one, as this one is going to link in a bit with my previous blog , so it may make more sense if you’ve read the other blog first 🙂


So yeah there has been more to my quietness and absence from blogging than just work issues , as well as that I have been suffering a lot with my health as of recent which the majority  of my health issues have been linked in with the stress and problems I had been experiencing at work, others not so much .. but yeah this has contributed to me being quiet and I’ll explain all now.


Basically my health issues started and were mainly triggered from my previous job .I was under enormous pressure and stress to the point I felt I was forever working and couldn’t switch off in a negative way rather than in a positive way. I was constantly having to watch my back and watch out for being stabbed in the back , rumors and just generally avoiding my management team as they were horrific and made me feel so small and belittled me, the stress I was under with various situations as of recent with work in terms of them trying to dismiss me unfairly, the belittling and basically lets face it the bullying behavior I endured and experienced at the hands of them. Caused my health to started off with me being stressed and worrying excessively, anyone who knows me knows I’m a huge worry wart and worry a lot anyway about things I probably don;t need to , but this was to the extreme.. with constantly watching everything I was saying, doing, who I was speaking to etc..’


I ended up having a bit of anxiety about going to work to the point I would come home from work in tears and I just dreaded going to work and as things progressed and developed and got worse this then caused me to not want to go into work at all ,I would leave it until the last possible minute to get myself up and out of bed , which is not like me, usually Ii’m the kind of person that if I know I have to get up for something or have something to do  or somewhere to be, that’s it , I’m  up and getting ready early to ensure I’m ready etc, this was not like this at all .It got to the point I could not switch off that anxious feeling to the point I had the shakes , at first it was only from time to time but as things got more intense and serious I would come home from work shaking worrying about what would happen or be said the next day, would I loose my job, would they really sack me, if they did how would this affect me, so much so I was shaking from the moment I woke for work to the moment I went to bed .Often  to the point I would be unable to control them and find myself shaking head to toe and having to fight with every ounce to hold onto any balance, or to try to control it .. it was ridiculous ..I could barely speak at work and began stammering and tremouring with nerves and anxiety .


This all triggered me to not sleep properly with worry and stress of everything meaning that as physically , mentally and emotionally drained I was I could not physically sleep ..I needed sleep…..I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t . this was for a whole variety of reasons whether this was crying with frustration, hurt, anger and upset about everything, unable to switch off from the stress of everything going on, worrying what was going to happen the next day, what if things got worse, how could things get worse, what else could I do, how could I keep fighting this loosing battle, how could this get any better, why was this happening, why was my manager hating me so much and had it in for me, or whether it be I couldn’t sleep from shaking so much .. There were many nights where I laid awake longing for sleep but I just physically couldn’t sleep or switch the worry off , or where I would just lay in bed and cry for hours on end..


On the rare chance I did get a bit of sleep it was very broken with  only an hour here and there if even as much as this .I recall a few nights falling asleep an waking up every 10/20 minutes continuously  .nothing solid ..i most definitely was not getting my 8/9 hours sleep like they recommend I was lucky some nights especially towards the end of my time working there to get an hour , two hours sleep maximum and solidly .. this killed and only added to my stress, anxiety, worry and tiredness and feeling drained.

As a result of the stress, anxiety, worry and lack of sleep I  also experienced  regular flare ups of my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and was spending more and more time in the bathroom at first I was mainly suffering with nausea and IBS D (loose bowel movements very regularly) just purely due to the stress and everything , I physically felt sick all the time and was barely keeping anything in my system as I was constantly visiting the bathroom , but then it went the other way and I struggled to go to the toilet at all with IBS C and  going all day without going for a wee too ..


I also at this time began to develop a really poor appetite and eating routine.I would skip having my usual breakfast of toast because I was too stressed and or nervous to eat before work in case anything happened or was said ..Where I was on edge all the time I then found myself unable to eat my lunch or really struggling to eat something on my lunch break and found myself having to physically force myself to eat even a forkful of noodles, a mouthful or spoonful of soup, a bite of a sandwich just anything.It did not matter what I packed for lunch I would struggle and barely eat a thing.. whether I like to accept it or not slowly but surely I was giving up and the stress and worry were eating away at me.I would get home from work to a cooked dinner waiting for me but again even if it was my favourite meal I would just sit there and pick at it and couldn’t eat. This went on for a few weeks before I was able to begin picking at things and snacking, before eventually getting back to eating normally but this took some time to do and get back to this point, as it was a gradual step by step thing.


As well as this I was experiencing issues with my skin as the stress had triggered my eczema to flare up so I now also had this to deal with too and to try to treat . it was literally everywhere and I was covered all over my arms mainly, with lots of open and bleeding wounds from it.


Now that’s all just work related illness induced by stress… there have been other health issues and complications too …


Since Christmas, I had been taking on some personal care and doing more for myself and had begun to treat myself to getting eyelash extensions done- Russian lashes.. I have always had naturally long and curly lashes, however they get to the point that they irritate my eyes sometimes and i don’t know they just look the same all the time, whether i’m at work, or out on a nightout , so I thought I’d treat myself to getting them done to add more length and definition to them and basically just make them and my eyes stand out more really.. I was getting them done every two weeks and loved having them done, at first it was going to be just a one off but then I got so used to them and loved them that I kept it up . I felt my confidence growing and felt so much happier when I had my lashes done.. I had them done at the end of March, nothing new there , kept everything the same but once they were done my eyes became very watery once I got back in my car and were a little sore. I just assumed maybe with everything going on with work and tireness  and laying for 2 hours with my eyes closed was why, nothing more came of it whatever fine…Next time the same happened again and then they kept on watering and being a little sore on an off, Had them done again.. same again.. but this time everyday I would find myself pulling at them …I then noticed my eyes becoming a little red an puffy and just put this down to their being a lot of blossom about in the air .. The next time I got them done rather than having infills I ended up having a full set done where I had lost a lot of lashes and then pulled the remaining few.. OMG…. as soon as I opened my eyes after they were instantly stinging and absolutely streaming ,so much so at one point I couldn’t see through it ..I couldn’t wipe them quick enough, at one point I couldn’t even feel them watering.. it was insane…


They settled down after a while, however they still kept watering, not as much but daily they were stinging, itchy and uncomfortable and just watering and I was ending up clearing muck out of the bottom of my eyelids continuously with cotton buds and couldn’t get rid of it quick enough.

They would swell up and I’d have redness under my eyes , on my eyelids and inside my eyes and muck and then it’d just go and then come back so I didn’t really think much of it at first… That was until one Saturday night when I was due to go out to eat and instead I ended up in A&E as my eye had been swollen when I woke up and gradually over the course of the day was swelling.. However in the evening it begun swelling like it had never done before.. It was stinging and sore , it was not going down not even with Priton , so instead I rushed up to A&E …


By the time I got to A&E they had swollen up more, I went in and got checked in and took a seat..I was sitting there maybe a minute or two before I was called through… Not very standard to get that in A&E so there I was like great here we go , this is potentially serious then.. I was told by the Triage nurse there was nothing they could do for me and this was a GP issue and was referred to see an out of hours GP in the hospital.I went straight down there and checked in… A&E had not even informed them that I was coming, which was not helpful I got down there  just before  7pm and was told they couldn’t see me until 9.45pm , and asked if I wanted to go home and return, I didn’t I said I would stay put…There was no way I was going home to come back again.. my eye was still swelling up.. and there was only 3 other people waiting… I was waiting in case there was any chance of getting seen quicker, plus by this point it would not have been safe for me to drive as my eye was swelling to the point I felt I couldn’t keep it open much longer and it was filling with muck and I was now getting blurred vision…. this is the photo I took whilst waiting….




sorry I know I look miserable and awful I look  in these pics.. but I feel I need to share these to show what exactly it was like… literally the whole side of my face felt swollen and was sore and hurting , my eye was sore, red ,painful and stinging … After complaining to reception about how it was still swelling, they told us they would see what they could do .I was then seen within 10 minutes.. The doctors first question when I explained how this had come on like this tonight an was still swelling etc , was have you been to A&E , you need to be in A&E, explained how I had but they had sent us to them, she wasn’t too impressed by this and didn’t seem to know what it was or why this was happening and cleaned my eye up with wipes and shone a light in it to see if there was anything inside of my eye, all she kept saying to me was to open my eye wider, I physically could not open it anymore than this .The light was burning my eye making me close it more too..

The doctor couldn’t see anything inside my eye and went to get a second opinion and came back and said how it was just conjunctivitis and to go to the pharmacy and get some eye drops and said if it didn’t get any better in a couple hours to go straight to A&E…


Went to the hospital pharmacy as told.. only to find it closed at 5pm.. and a note on the shutters saying any prescription written by the hospital had to be collected from the hospital pharmacy.. doubly not helpful… so it looked like I wasn’t going home and would be going to A&E again and being like yeahh so this has happened, you sent me to out of hours they told me to come back if no better after using eye drops for a couple hours.. I can’t actually get them , so ermm surprise it hasn’t worked I’m back!


I ended up being able to drive to a local supermarket and using their in store pharmacy to collect the prescription… next issue… they didn’t have the eye drops I needed on prescription , nor to buy over the counter… here we go…. trip back to A&E then ?!! … They said they had the exact same thing but in ointment form , however I wouldn’t be able to swap the prescription eye drops for this ,I would have to buy over the counter, which was fine it was cheaper to do this anyway…


Yikes was that ointment horrid, it was just so thick.. note to self never let mum apply things to my eyes… she practically put half a blooming tube of it in my eye and then realised after your only supposed to put a little bit in the bottom of the eyelid .. thanks mother lol …

The doctor had ended up pulling most of my eyelashes out when wiping my eyes, so wasn’t exactly gentle with my eye, so when I got home I pulled the rest of them out as I was adamant it was my lashes causing the problems, I knew this was not conjunctivitis I used to get that a lot as a child and this was not , this ..I just knew it was wrong…


Anyway my eye didn’t clear up but I didn’t go rushing straight back to A&E there just wasn’t any point as the eye ointment had stated on the box to use for up to 5 days and I just knew if I went back before that they would be like , well you haven’t finished the full 5 days of treatment so kinda can’t help you type thing, so I persisted with them… it didn’t clear up or go away.. I ended up on a bank holiday driving up to a local walk in center to get this looked at..I was now bald eyed , literally had not one single lash extension or natural lash on my left eye, and no lash extensions on my right as I had ripped these out  too , however I had a few baby natural lashes, but very gappy…


Anyway yeah went to the walk in center and was seen by one of the nurses, who took one look at my eyes and listening to everything to date and said .. yeah you’ve had a serious allergic reaction to your lashes,and confirmed what I had known it was not conjunctivitis at all I had said, if it had of been conjunctivitis other people in the house would of had it too , but they hadn’t it was just me.She told me I had done the right thing by removing my lashes, and told me not to get them done again..There was no chance of me ever even considering it, I was done with them.. she also said the eye ointment I had been prescribed by the doctor at the hospital , was completely the wrong thing and all they had done was dried my eyes out, which was why I was still suffering now with them  and meant my eyes were constantly watering still, but this time from being dried out, along with drying out all of my skin around my eyes including my eye lids, corners of eyes , under my eyes and cheeks and this was also why they were still swollen..


I was now prescribed more eye drops…this time dry eye intensive eye drops to try to re-hydrate my eyes again , along with E45 cream for my face , E45 moistriser, and oilatum soap to try to tackle the dryness and re-hydrate my eyes and skin again…




This has been a huge on going battle.. Especially so because I was already battling eczema and this did not help with either .. in fact that just made my face worse as my eczema started spreading to my face .. not helpful at all… The e45 creams, moistrisers and oilatum soap. did help a bit but didn’t actually get rid of my dry and flaky skin that was caused from the dryness … I was then recommended hydrocortisone 1% cream and double base cream for my face and for my now huge flare of eczema that was taking place all over my arms, neck and face and was becoming unmanageable..


This has worked better than anything and I have only just in the past couple of days started seeing a huge improvement with my skin and eyes .. That said I have also been taking supplements and vitamins to help my skin such as Vitamin B, Vitamin D, allergy tablets, multi vitamin and iron  and also immune system tablets  as well as a facial spray that I have been using before putting my makeup on, once makeup is applied , in general throughout the day , before I go to bed .. as much as possible really to be honest just to try to do anything and everything possible to help my skin.. although that said today has been the first morning of not using any of the soaps or creams where I was running late for work this morning nor have I taken any tablets and by lunchtime underneath my eyes were already coming up red, dry and flaky again..  There are times this just feels never ending, but I know I’ll get there .


Thankfully now my eyelashes are starting to grow back and I’m no longer looking like a bald naked mole rat ,like I was before .. my lashes still haven’t fully grown back and are still very brittle and thin but we’re getting there. Honestly I’m just glad to have eyelashes again , as of course this didn’t help matters with having no eyelashes , as it meant my eyes were left exposed with no protection, so any little thing was now more susceptible of getting into my eyes


this was taken a couple of weekends ago ,after a weekend away.. still dry around my eyes and face and a little swelling and eyelashes still not fully grown back…


60591404_332154817496720_9191003630008795136_n this was a little bit after the previous photo and as you can see my left eyelashes have grown at this point but are still very gappy and all over the place.


This is my left and eye as of tonight, the lashes have grown a lot more.. my right side I didn’t loose too many natural lashes but you can see where some are shorter still  and can see that under my right eye (2nd photo) that under my eye is red again this has only come up since lunchtime today, but the left still has a little catching up to , but isn’t looking too noticeable now thankfully .There is a possibility that this will never fully go and may be something I have to battle with for the rest of my life.. as there is a possibility this could be a condition known as Blepharitis which is an incurable eye condition that can be caused by lash glues.. but at the moment this is not known and is hoped that it will fully clear up and go away.. My lashes could take up to a year to fully grow back to their original length and thickness – without being brittle, whereas at the moment my left ones are still very brittle and come out easily and or crumble away .



On top of this my BAHA decided it wasn’t getting any attention and thought hey why don’t I join in  too and I ended up battling with a BAHA infection too , because of course hey why not I’ve only been stressed, had a huge flare with my eczema, had an allergic reaction to my eyelashes and been battling skin issues, so why not this too lol…



This was brought on after a night out where a friend of mine had , had a little too much to drink and accidentally knocked my BAHA clean off my head , whilst dancing trying to put their arm around me to dance to the song New York,New York and missed and caught my BAHA.. this happened repetitively a few times.. but my BAHA was fine , some how bouncing and missing the pint glass of beer that was standing in the middle of the circle.. my BAHA site , on the other hand suffered a little and as you may be able to see from the photo it was swollen up to the point I couldn’t get my BAHA on or wear it for about a week, but hey a trip to the doctors for the usual cream and we’re all good again..



As well as this I have also been expirincing issues with my contraceptive pill. However this has been something that has been going on for months now, I went on the pill at 16 due to irregular periods and the heaviness of them , to the point I was getting through a thick nightpad that was supposed to last 8 hours within 5 minutes max.. I would get crippling pains and cramps I was unable to get out of bed and missed a lot of school with them.. I could be on a period for a couple of weeks , off for a day and back on , or have nothing for months then have a period for like a day or two , be off for two days and back on again. they were literally a mess and all over the place. So I went on the contraceptive pill to try to help settle into a routine, reduce the flow and pain and it worked ..However I’m now 23, turning 24 in a few months time, scary ..I would rather not think about that fact.. So yeah the past few months the cramps and pains have been coming back , but nothing like what they were before..Then I begun having issues with spotting , but more recently in the past couple months I have been coming on  about half way through my pills , so yeah it was time to change pill, as my body had become immune to them now..

I’m now on a mini pill meaning I take 1 pill everyday and do not have a break so as a result will not have a period anymore… Heaven for any girl or woman out there, I haven’t taken a full month of these new ones yet , but have expirenced some slight teething issues and have actually had a full blown period after not having one for months, after taking myself off my previous pill. However I think the reason I missed my last period was due to stress of everything with work and my health not being at it’s best. But yeah so about a week / week and a half in I started having a period , not cool , so I may be having to go back and change off of this pill to another one again.But I think I’m going to just put it down to being my missed period from before and where my body is still adjusting to these new pills.. I have only been prescribed 3 months worth for this reason , so hey could still be teething issues but will obviously keep an eye on it and if it continues or happens again then I’ll get this changed…



The other health thing that I haven’t mentioned yet is as well as all of this when I went to change my contraceptive pill , I was told my blood pressure was high.. unfortunately this is not the first time recently I have been told this.. when I went into A&E when I had my allergic reaction my blood pressure was quite high, a lot higher than it should have been but not dangerously high, then when I went to the walk in center about my eyes and skin again it was high.. so this was the 3rd time within a couple of weeks I had been told this.. So I now have to go back to my GP in a couple of weeks time to see the Nurse to have a blood pressure check to see if it has returned to normal level.. If it hasn’t and it is still high then investigations are likely to take place to find out what’s going on.. of course my high blood pressure most likely is not helping things with my skin and eyes either so it is possible that it is all linked, but we will see.. I’m keeping an eye on it all ….



Yeahhhh I think that’s about it health wise, not too much at all LOL.. not exactly the best of health at the moment, but we’re getting there .. just got to keep going, keep positive, keep smiling and I guess slow down a bit at times , but I’m all good 🙂 xx

Departure …ready for take off..

Published May 15, 2019 by goshgurl95

I can’t believe that we are in May 2019, already and I haven’t blogged once yet… a good thing in some respects I guess, but not so in others.. Good because it means things have been alright up until now and fairly quiet with not much to report on I suppose, not so because I love writing and blogging, also because I now am blogging so kinda means things either aren’t quite ok or things are going well… I can answer that .. firstly no things haven’t been too great which is why I have been quiet so we will talk about that first. I’m going to split this into two blogs I think . This first one is just going to be purely an update on all things work related… a tad boring maybe but this is a HUGE reason for my quietness and absence from here and a lot of other places recently..


So for those of you that have been following my blog and or my Facebook page for a little while now will know I work in the childcare sector and how I left the nursery I was working at in Chelmsford to work closer to home and on more money….


My first day there I just had a gut feeling that this wasn’t the right decision to have made but just put this down to first day nerves and how much I had enjoyed my old nursery and put it down to needing to settle in and get my bearings etc with things there… I passed my six month probation and then after that point things began to go down hill from there for me.


I still was not enjoying the job as much as I had my previous nursery. I didn’t feel like I had a bond with the staff like I had in my previous workplace and I don’t know things just were not feeling right for me there.I got moved out of the 2 year old room that I had been working in and moved up into the preschool room in September when a lot of our 2 year olds were moving up.I primarily moved because of being more experienced with preschool aged children and my manager feeling that this room may be better suited to me for this reason , as well as for the fact that the children within the 2 year old room were moving up so would be nice to have a member of staff go up with them, so it was decided that would be me.


I felt a lot more positive about this move up into the preschool room having only experience with this age range before in previous settings. I did enjoy preschool it was a lot busier a room , lot more structure to the day and I found I was able to do a lot more with this room .However the only downfall was that I was quite literally thrown in the deep end.


Being newly qualified literally the day before starting at this nursery I was then thrown in the deep end in preschool by being deputy room leader. Something I had no training, experience or qualifications in doing .The reason for this was because the room leader was also a senior member of staff meaning that if the manager and or deputy were busy she was in charge of running the nursery or doing more of the higher up roles etc, as well as this she was the nursery SENCO , safeguarding lead along with the manager and deputy and fire marshall . meaning she was rarely in the room doing all these extra things. Then the other qualified member of staff after her who was level 3 qualified was only part time and only worked Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursdays from 9.15-2.15 .Then the other staff member was under 18 years old with no childcare qualification who was undertaking and near completion of her apprenticeship. so it was by complete default that it fell to me to manage and run things if the room leader wasn’t in the room. this responsibility at this level of my career was huge .


I was not supported by management whatsoever with this new role or the responsibilities placed on me, instead I was criticized and made to feel small when something did go wrong however minor that may have been .I was burning out and dead on my feet, barely sleeping, worrying and over thinking constantly and constantly panicking and stressing over the tiniest of things throughout the day and even when I got home.I was made to feel by management that i was no good at my job, that i was not wanted or well liked. My manager made comments very early on to me such as how she didn’t know why she hired me , how she would fire me as soon as she had the chance to do so. I was blamed for a child’s poor behavior and told there behavior was all down to me and how I was not helping the child or the situation, yet the child had the difficulties since before I started at the nursery let alone in the room but hey..


I planned to leave this job back in October/November time and went for an interview at my previous Nursery .Unfortunately i didn’t get the position as they really needed someone who was qualified in level 3 which I wasn’t yet .So I stayed… and felt ok well maybe this was for the best as I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason so was like ok this is fine ,there is obviously some reason why I am supposed to not have gotten the job at my old nursery and stay working here for now.


My manager found out about me applying for my old job and called me into the office to talk about it.She seemed OK about the fact I had applied to my previous employer and told me how she assumed i would get the position due to me working their previously and told me she would put a job advert up advertising for my replacement that afternoon. I got home from work that evening and sure enough she had, there it was in black and white. my job was up for advertisement, before I had resigned or been offered a new job. Things didn’t get any better from there as I then began worrying. well what happens if I don’t get offered the job? will I still be replaced? what if I get offered the job but decide not to take it?



Two weeks after my manager finding out that I had an interview with my old nursery.. I then mysteriously ended up being put on a final warning… how you ask? surely you must have had previous warnings? surely you should have had a verbal warning and a written warning before this? nope not at all straight to a final warning.I had been put on an action plan around the week I decided to go for the interview as I apparently was not performing well enough and had been taken off of my level 3 course too for this reason and yet two weeks after my manager finds out I’m intending on leaving I go straight to a final warning meeting?! Okkkkkaayyyyy…. Long story short no I was not in the wrong nor had I done anything against my contract or that I should not have done .I was not the one at fault for what I was being blamed with at all it actually fell down to another member of staff I was working with but hey.. I attended the meeting alone with no representation as why should I?! I hadn’t done anything wrong?! and I had nothing to try to protect myself from. I went in there and defended myself and the situation ..Long story short no I did not loose my job although was told that could have been a potential outcome… just seems a little odd to me as to how and why this happened 2 weeks to the date after I went for another interview, especially with things that had been said in the past behind closed office doors.

By Christmas things still were no better. I went out on our works Christmas do  where we went out for a meal and drinks and it was alright barely anyone spoke to me but hey I wasn’t too bothered as kind of expected that anyway so wasn’t exactly a shock when they didn’t. I then some how got roped into going out with a few of the younger members of staff  to the local clubs and again it was OK had a bit of a laugh but at the same time wasn’t totally feeling it not just because of everything that had been going on but also for the fact I had just split up with my boyfriend now ex the night before because well he was being a complete and utter idiot, but anyway that’s a whole new story  .. I won’t bore you with it I promise, although in saying that I most likely have at some point…….. yeahhh don’t answer that one…. anyway moving on…….,


After the Christmas break things still were not feeling overly positive for me nor was I feeling this job and things got a lot worse, my manager basically now had it in for me  and I was now walking on eggshells around her and did not trust anything that was being said and was very careful watching my every move and everything I said and did in case there was someway of it being twisted and used against me and so I grew quieter than I already was, although being told at my 6 month probation meeting that I was coming out of my shell… oh I really was not and was far from this, anyone who knows me will know I don’t open up to people easily due to being hurt so many times in the past with bullies and past relationships etc , so I tend to keep my guard up until I feel completely safe and comfortable. I was now a lot further from being myself and being out of my shell than I had been so far into my career.


The most upsetting and hurtful comment I got from my manager was  that I am a liar and that I was lying about my hearing and making it up.. like what?! are you for real?! I wear a surgically implanted hearing aid for crying out loud , that is on show daily at work where my hair has to be tied up… are you actually for real?! how could I possibly make something like this up?! How on earth do I prove and show someone that I can’t hear and have hearing difficulties besides an obvious hearing aid on the side of my head ?! She genuinely sat me down in the office and outright told me she thought I was lying and making the whole thing up and how I actually did not have hearing issues and I could actually hear more than I was letting on… thanks for the heads up , i’m so glad you know something that not even audiologist, consultants, surgeons, doctors,nurses, my parents or me even know but thank you… She then tried to get me to tell her what I could and couldn’t hear… my response I can’t answer that how am I supposed to tell you what I can and can’t hear , I don’t know any different from this, I was born with hearing issues I have no idea what it is like to have full hearing, can you tell me what you can hear and can’t hear ?! …She did not answer this, but seriously how can I tell someone what I can’t hear…. the clue is in that I can’t hear it so how can I TELL YOU that I can’t hear it when I don’t know that I’m missing it ?!!!!!


That comment really hurt me and upset me as it just reminded me so much of my younger years being at school and the bullying that I experienced because of my hearing I mean really a fully grown adult wants to try and accuse me of lying about a hearing problem, I wear a BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) , I was born without my right ear and underwent reconstructive surgery , along with surgery to fit my BAHA ,I carry cards in my purse both from my audiologist and hospital explaining about my BAHA as well as a card from my local council with my details and photo on it explaining that I am registered deaf, yet you think I am going to lie about this?! seriously do I have the time to make something like this up, to spend my entire life in and out of hospitals , undergoing various treatments and surgeries just to what?! what would I honestly be achieving by trying to make something like that up?!  anyone who themselves is deaf or has hearing issues will know how physically exhausting and draining it is , and how tired you become trying to keep up with day to day things such as conversations, phone calls, hearing things in general in day to day life that others just take for granted, let alone having the time or the energy to make this stuff up,..


I went to speak to my local citizens advice bureau about this and about my concerns of my manager potentially trying to unfairly dismiss me  to see if there was anything that they could do to help at all and to prevent me from loosing my job unfairly and if there was anything I could do about the discrimination I had experienced, unfortunately there was nothing they could do as I had not worked for the company for 2-3 years and apparently had no employee rights until this point, which sucked massively and was like a huge kick in the teeth, that I was allowed to be treated like this and spoken to like this. It hurt to have to put up with this, I couldn’t afford to just walk from my job and have no job to go to, at the same time why should an employer or any member of staff get away with this? you wouldn’t let children at school get away with it, well they shouldn’t but do in some cases but it’s ridiculous how you have to fight for such things though.


Further to this I later got told I had never disclosed to them about having any hearing issues and was told so how could I expect them to know or make adjustments for me, this was a load of utter nonsense every piece of paperwork that asked for details I had listed my hearing there, I always have done since I was tiny with nursery, school ,college, hospitals , doctors, any form I fill out I state it on there , and besides how could they not be aware with my BAHA on the side of my head, which she asked me about on my first day of work , as she at first thought it was some blue tooth/ phone/ technology thing so had explained to her then that this was my hearing aid, but ok whatever she never knew…


It wasn’t just issues like this with my manager that I was experiencing but also with the work team too. What I mean by this is I just felt no support from any colleagues, I did not make many friends at work or discuss my personal life, everything was strictly professional , but even then I just kept as quiet as possible as it was not worth getting into with them. Anytime I had an idea of activities , a topic, a way of doing things whatever it was overstepped and squashed or they went with their own ideas .I got to the point that I just felt there was no point in trying, yet despite this everyday I went in pushing myself harder and further and yet getting less and less back in response. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained, so much so I would come home from work on the days I wasn’t signing or doing anything guiding have dinner and fall asleep, I would struggle to wake up in the morning even if I had fallen asleep at 7/8 pm at night.My days off were spent in bed sleeping unable to move or physically wake up.


Yet none of this mattered I still pushed and pushed and pushed myself and did everything that I could, yet got nothing in return apart from continuously being put down told I wasn’t good at my job, asked why I went into childcare as this wasn’t for me I wasn’t suited to this career, told I would be better off doing any other job besides childcare, had I thought or considered any other career path,  constantly made to feel small, useless, like I didn’t matter, like I had no purpose, unsupported, etc.


I still pushed myself and went out to a leaving do of one of the girls who left to become a private nanny.I hadn’t wanted to go and had been offered to go out with a local singles group that I had been going out with on a weekly basis, yet I turned them down and went out with the work lot despite all the bad feelings I had about it, I pushed myself to do it to make a point that I did make an effort with people at work and that I was committed and dedicated to my job, that i was worth it and was worth knowing .I walked the 20 mins … well more like 30/40 mins in my heels into town to the local pub, by the time I got there my new heels had cut my feet to pieces and I was bleeding and covered in blisters.I went over to the table where some of the others had began to gather, nobody spoke to me, I went up to the bar to order myself a drink and there were 3 of my other colleagues at the bar, they had turned round and noticed me stood there, yet not one of them spoke to me or acknowledged me or my being there.. I ordered myself a bottle of wine, as it’s cheaper in there to buy it by the bottle than a glass, as it’s £6 for a large glass or £10 for the bottle of house wine. I never drink a whole bottle to myself but still it’s cheaper than buying a couple of glasses..


I ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine to myself , anyone that knows me knows I drink alcohol slowly due to alcoholism running in my family, yet I had still managed to polish off a whole bottle of wine , and not one person had spoken to me, made conversation with me or included me in any conversation. I was hurt and upset , but more than anything angry and annoyed at myself as I hadn’t wanted to come out in the first place due to the potential of this happening , I was angry and frustrated that I had turned down a night out with the singles group that I knew was going to be a great night full of laughter, friends ,singing and dancing at a club, where I wouldn’t have touched one drop of alcohol at all and still would have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I got up and walked off to the toilets, one of the girls suspected something was up I said something back but cannot remember what exactly I said now but it was something along the lines of how I was going home as they hadn’t been fair to me and how why should I bother going out into chelmsford and going to clubs with them when they couldn’t even be bothered to make the effort to so much as talk to me. I went up to the toilets with the plan of staying in one of the cubicles for the next 15-20 mins as thought by then they would forget all about me, all about our conversation and would be getting a  taxi or heading off to get the train into Chelmsford town and I could then make my exit and walk home.


This of course did not go to plan as a few minutes later whilst trying to have a wee, I heard one of my colleagues come into the toilets calling me , I hesitated whether to respond or not and chose not to in the hope that they would go away and leave me alone, after all I was not about to let them give me whatever excuse and then begin talking to me all these hours later.. I remained silent the next thing I know I have multiple faces peering underneath the cubicle door whilst I’m trying to wee, telling me how much they love me , how they did care about me and all that other baloney… Long story short, yes I did get in the taxi with them and go out into Chelmsford with them, however I made out i  had no cash to pay for the taxi, i did but I knew full well I wasn’t going to be staying long ,either on my own accord or something would happen… well lets just say I was not far wrong and maybe just maybe I should listen to my instinct from time to time and act on it… I went into one of the clubs with them ordered myself one drink had that , and we popped to the toilets ..Came out of the toilets …..they’d gone…  I checked in the bathrooms for them, nope ,  went to see if they were waiting outside nope, went back to where we had been standing with our drinks, checked the bar area, walked around the whole club multiple times, checked the bathrooms again nope they had gone.


I left the club as it was not my kind of club anyway as it was far too over crowded for my liking, I was concerned my BAHA was going to be knocked off at any given second and be strampelled on or kicked half way across the club floor ,with no hope of finding or at least not in one piece.The music wasn’t my sort of music anyway either with just that loud base boom, boom , boom ..whereas I like something I can actually dance to and sing along to. I headed to Mcdonald’s in the hope that I would be able to get better phone reception and signal and hoped by doing so , someone would notice I wasn’t there and get in contact with me, my gut told me there was no way that was going to happen and that this was totally intended and planned.I shoulds have listened to my gut as an hour later I still had reccieved no contact from them. I then decided that it was enough I was going home, so I rung my dad , he was unable to pick me up as he had been out for a meal and had a few drinks whilst out with mum and friends .However he was not happy about the situation and told me that if I got a train home he would walk to the station to meet me and walk me home , as it was late now, cold and pitch black , plus the street lights were about to go out at any second.


I walked as quickly as I could through the highstreet alone feeling mortified ,angry,hurt ,upset and embarrassed at the situation and quickly jumped onto a train home.Once I arrived at my stop I hopped off and headed outside the station to look for dad, he wasn’t there so I gave him a ring. No answer. I text him. No answer. Facebook Messaged him . no answer, I kept trying, with no luck so eventually after about 15/20 minutes I decided to just walk home, I’ve done it plenty of times and knew I would be home soon.

Only difference is I’ve never walked home  alone that late at night or rather early in the morning having had as much to drink as I had , but I wasn’t out of it and still had my wits about me , so it was fine.However I did overcompensate for a bush coming up and ended up walking smack bang into it and then having the shock of that and trying to get out of it, but hey I knew where I was and where this bush was, just clearly not quite as quickly as I expected.. Anyway I got home and just as I went to put my key in the lock, my dad came to the front door and was actually just heafing out to meet me as he had fallen asleep on the sofa.


I went straight up upstairs and get ready for bed, I still hadn’t heard a word from anyone, but I suspected I would by the time they left the club or at a more sociable time of the morning.Nope nothing. No message to see if I was ok, No message to check I got home safely , nothing.. until maybe 10/ 11am Monday Morning when someone said something about the night out and  then suddenly seemed to remember and were like oh yeah what happened to you ?!


Things continued on down this path nothing was improving or getting any better.I wasn’t wanting to get up to go to work in the mornings, yet I loved seeing the children and working with children. I was forever clock watching to get home again, coming home physically , mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted to the point I was falling asleep at 7pm and sleeping right through until my alarm the next morning and then struggling to get up.


A few months ago something happened at work one morning whilst my manager was off .I  was in the classroom as usual doing a typical morning breakfast when an incident took place.I at the time of the incident was the only staff member in the room as other staff had left the room.. resulting in a complaint being made .That then triggered an investigation all of us in the room gave statements and answered questions .fine, we were told it was going no further.However the next morning ,it did go further into more investigations.. I was blamed for the incident taking place, wrongfully as I was the staff member that stayed in the room whilst others left. I was given a dismissal meeting for a few days time.I was so hurt, angry and upset that I had been blamed yet I’d been the one who had remained in the room and was in the right .I was willing to fight it.I gave a name of a representative who would represent me at the meeting the following day.I was then told my rep was not allowed to attend as they were not known the employer and was told they could not let her attend on safeguarding grounds of not letting strangers onto the premises.

I then postponed so to have the correct and adequate representative arranged .informed them by email that I would need longer than the postponment to go through the case with my rep and attend meetings with my rep, before any formal meeting could or would take place. Nothing. I mean nothing. In any statements said anything negative about me or put me in the wrong , not even for a second, this is not just me saying that.Multiple people who looked at all the notes and paperwork of the case have said the same….The next day before I left work , I was handed a white envelope, I assumed this was with the new date of the dismissal meeting….Nope it was in fact a letter, notifying me that the dismissal meeting had been revoked. and how if I wanted any information about this to speak to management in person..


I emailed back .I wanted information.I wanted clarification, why had this suddenly been revoked and taken away?,  what had made them change their minds?, I knew I was in the right as did others however for them to have been so adamant and insistant that I was in the wrong and that I had some how commited a sackable offence, why was it just suddenly dropped?! I didn’t get an email back instead I got pulled in the office by the management and owner and they basically sat there and ripped into me and had a massive go at me. and accused me of having memory problems, due to me emailing prior to the dismissal meeting asking for certain paperwork and documents to help back up my case.. including copies of my verbal warning , the date of this and supporting notes, date and supporting notes and a copy of my written warning,  a copy of my final warning, date and supporting notes of this, a copy of my action plan , date and supporting notes of this ,copies of my appraisals and probation notes …. They told me I had memory issues and asked what I recalled of my verbal and written warnings, so I told them as far as I was concerned they had never taken place, so I was then aksed so why are you requesting things if you don’t think they’ve happened, so pure and simply I told them I wanted to clarify their information on these.. we argued backwards and forwards over this until..Eventually the nursery owner shouted at me saying they couldn’t provide such a thing as I had not ever had a verbal or written warning… BINGO information I needed and was like pixie dust in helping my case.


I still remained in contact with my union constantly emailing and texting and updating them on what was going on and taking place. I was not dropping this, no way.. I couldn’t not after how I had been treated and how I now had my employer trying to unfairly dismiss me and knowing they couldn’t as no evidence against me or any wrong doing on my part and nor was there a verbal or written warning that helped them at all.Everything in the statements was he said, she said and no hard evidence or facts and nobody’s statement mentioned anything negative or bad of me .. every single statement said Bethan was in the classroom with the children… which is exactly where I SHOULD HAVE BEEN AND WAS…


This whole situation caused me a lot of stress.i struggled more so now than ever in getting up in the mornings to go to work, I dreaded going into work to see and work for the people I was working for .I struggled in making it through the day , I felt I was constantly on eggshells and that any little thing could and would be used against me or twisted in anyway shape or form possible, so much so any stupid little thing would set me off in floods of tears, even something as little as a parent saying they were collecting early. I just could not hack it anymore .every little thing I did I was recording in the message book , running to a senior with and constantly watching my back and covering my back at all costs .I had the shakes and could barely control them ,I was barely able to eat to the point of skipping breakfast, trying to force so much as a forkful of noodles or a bite of sandwich down at lunch , mostly with no success. coming home and picking at my dinner, struggling to sleep to the point I would be up until very early hours and would be lucky to get an hour, two hours sleep. I constantly felt sick, I was having stomach issues . I had a massive flare up in my eczema.. I was just generally a complete and utter mess.i was giving up on myself. I felt useless, I felt I wasn’t good at my job, I started believing it was me and this was not the case.


I knew I was not staying until the end of my level 3 course now before moving on, I just couldn’t . Originally my plan when starting was to stay as long as possible and work my way up the ranks, so level 3, room leader, senco etc .Then when I started expiriencign issues I was like no I’ll jsut stay until I have completed my level 3 qualification and then I’ll go in search of something else, now it was now or never.There was no other option I was going even if that meant cleaning toilets,stocking shelves in Tesco it did not matter I could not continue here. I mean lets face it when would be the next thing?! and I just felt now they would be on my back a whole lot quicker.


I started applying for jobs and knew this was the right thing to do , I had a couple of positive responses back and a a couple of interviews scheduled. but nothing was quite jumping out at me and giving me that spark or that feeling..


my parents ,friends and those involved in helping me with my fight were all also desperately helping me to search for something anything to get out of this job.I had considered and come close to walking out several times especially so when I’d gotten to the point of coming home in floods of tears every night, this just wasn’t right or how it was supposed to be.


I was in bed late one night searching for jobs and also on social media, when my mum popped up with a facebook message, with a photo of a job post.I thought it a little strange at first as it was advertised on facebook selling page. and was a bit like ok, is this actually a genuine job.. I then looked at the said post for myself on the selling page, and they were looking for a room leader and a deputy manager… nope defintely not me or anything I was qualified for , there was no point in me applying.. However mum was like yes I know your not qualified or expirenced to do these things but hey just message anyway and see .I messaged and was invited for an interview I was still a little unsure and made sure they were aware I was only level 2 qualified and wasn’t level 3, so was unable to be a room leader  and I was most defintely not able to be a deputy room leader. They seemed fine about this and the interview was booked and scheduled..i was still a little skeptical , was this really a genuine job? was this a genuine place? was there any point me turning up for the interview knowing there was no way I would get it anyway?!…


Even on the day of the interview I was unsure whether I was actually going to go or not but something inside of me was like stuff it, just go you’ve not exactly got anything to loose, worse case is you don’t get the job but have had the expirence at an interview again.I went to the interview and it was defintely all looking genuine so far.I went in and had the interview , yupp it was genuine although the hall was empty , no children, no toys out. this is when I then realised this was a company that had recently taken over a local montessori pack away nursery and were in the process of changing thigns about and refreshing the place etc.. The interview went alright, actually a lot better than I thought and I was told although I may not get room leader, they were also looking for practitioners  whether that be full time or part time, so hey there was a chance right?!


I was then invited for an interview with the nursery manager on the Monday Morning (I had the original interview on the friday  Morning during my annual leave) I went back on the Monday and met the nursery manager , it seemed to go alright it was mainly filling in paperwork and chatting through a few things and checking qualifications and certificates and taking copies of them, than an interview as such.


I didn’t feel from this that I had got any further with my application or whatever.However I was quite surprised the following morning to be invited for a play interview ,to meet the children and plan an activity for them , for the Thursday .. This was a bit of an ah moment, as I was due back to work on the Thursday but I wanted to go to this interview so badly. So I messaged them as I had come away from the previous interview with paperwork to complete and said to them how I was working on the Wednesday morning but had half day annual leave, so I would be leaving work at 12 and asked whether it was possible to drop the forms off to them then and if there was any chance I could do the play interview at the same time. They agreed… I was so over the moon happy and excited..


I quickly got to work on planning my activity with the children..I planned to make scented playdough with different smells and flavouring and different colours and get the children to use their 5 senses to smell the doughs, touch the dough and talk about the different textures, sight what could they see were there any clues as to what scent it was, what colour was it, what shape was it etc, what did the dough feel like … the activity didn;t particularly appeal to the children.. they were a pretty tough bunch to impress , they were not going to let me have it easy lol .. anyway I got playing with them on things they did actually want to do and got interacting with them , and read them a story before home time.I then got to meet the after school children and did my playdough activity again with them and this went down bucket loads better than with the preschoolers , and then I got playing a game of badmington with them before my interview was over.. I was told I would hear by 12 noon Friday with the results..



Oh my the most anxious wait ever , that not knowing killed.I finished work for the day at just after 12 quickly checked my phone, nope no missed calls ,emails or messages yet , but it was ok as they knew I was due to finish at 12. I walked home and sat on my sofa and  constantly clock watched and watched my phone just waiting for that call .It was the most horrific wait.. I just wanted to know one way or the other what was happening.. I ended up having the quickest shower possible with my phone open right next to the shower ,so if it rung I could jump straight out and answer it.. nope still nothing, so I went out for something to eat in Chelmsford with my phone on the loudest volume setting, not that it isn;t usually anyway.. throughout eating my phone was right there next to me on the table , ready to grab and quickly answer if it were to come through.. nope nothing..I went and did a bit of shopping and had a wander around the shops to pass the time… nope still nothing, I walked back to my car and put all my shopping in the car.. nope nothing… got in the car set my phone up as a sat nav , started the car up , put the car into gear and went to drive off… Just as I was about to take my handbrake off….. the phone call came, just as I had given up hope of hearing back from then and had assumed that this was it. I was certain it was a call to say thanks but no thanks…


The call begun and I was told so as you know I have been interviewing a lot of people and need to get a team together and get people in as quickly as possible , In my head I  was like yupp but you don’t want me your just giving me a curtesy call , ok…. and then she went on to say I am delighted to be able to offer you.. Ok I started secretly getting a little excited at this now but was like hmm it’s late in the day it’s most likely part time practitioner which I didn’t really want part time .. but she went on to continue to say ..I am delighted to be able to offer you the position of Lead Practitioner of the under 2’s … Essentially this meant room leader and running everything for the 2 year olds and under… I was totally shocked , completely speechless ,never in a my wildest dreams had I imagined this could ever be a potential outcome or be offered this role… The reason I was given role of Lead Practitioner and not room leader , was because in the eyes of OFSTED  you must be level 3 to be a room leader… so there way of getting around this was to edit my job role title to Lead Practitioner and to offer more support with the role and essentially be given guidance ,support and training  by the managing director , manager and deputy and once my level 3 is completed and sign off for my role to be edited to Room Leader.. I was totally shocked and speechless…


……Me….. A lead Practitioner….. Me….. Running under 2’s…… WHAT?!!!! This was a promotion and a pay rise I never expected .Why me?! was I really good enough?! I just hadn’t seen myself as good enough after everything with my current employer ..I cried, I was so shocked and speechless I just never expected or imagined this..Of course I accepted the position instantly without a second thought… a new challenge but a new adventure too , a chance to be happy and to prove to myself I can do this, this is me and this is what I do. The manager asked how soon I could start and if I could hand my notice in the next day if she was able to email me my contract and job offer that evening…Ohhhh this was more than possible…


I didn’t hand my notice in the following day it ended up being the day after that, as I didn;t get the contract and job offer come through until late with the tweaking and editing of the position… I wrote out so many drafts of my resignation letter before I was completely happy and satisified with it, this time doing it when i had a new job to go to rather than a few weeks prior when I was contemplating doing one of a few things including ringing up and not going back, walking out, or resigning … I was now doing it at the right time for me and on my terms not theirs. I went in and went straight into the office and handed the envelope straight to the deputy and asked for her to pass it on to the manager.. it was a tad nerve wracking but also the best feeling too , to know I was 4 whole weeks away from seeing the back of this place and being treated and spoken to the way I was.. I could do this, the finish line was in sight..


The whole day I was on edge, nervous , anxious every time senior staff or management came into the room , especially so the manager .. just waiting for that moment for her to say could she have a word, how was she going to take it ?!! would she be fine about it or would she kick off at me about it ?!  she ignored me the whole day , barely looking in my direction let alone saying a word to me, which was quite nice to be honest ..But honestly now I didn’t care if anything was said , what could honestly be said now that would matter ?! I was leaving now anyway.. Eventually I was called into the office for that inevitable chat.. where she simply told me she had reccieved my letter and that it was all fine with her and how it was fine with the nursery owner.. not that they had a choice in it , I was leaving didn’t exactly matter if they were Ok about it or not really but alright… I was then called back into the office again later on but this time with the manager again and a senior member of staff as witness due to my “memory issues”  and basically just told me how she had informed staff of  my leaving already, and told me how she had to tell them as she had already put my job advert up and had to tell staff now incase they saw it and wondered.. this was not even 24hrs into my notice being handed in…. I hadn’t even got to the end of the day I’d given it in and my job had been advertised, she clearly loved me and wanted me to stay right ?! lol ..


I was told not to tell parents yet and that we would tell them on my second week of my notice , as before we could tell parents .My key children would need to be reallocated to staff and details like this sorted first, which was fine as I knew I would still get the opportunity to tell the parents and say bye to my key children and would be able to fully inform them of who would be taking over their child’s care etc…


Unfortuntley I never did get that opportunity to say bye to the children or speak to my key children’s parents.. on my second week of notice I had 3 days holiday from the Monday-Wednesday due to my parents being away out of the country and having to be home to house and dog sit… I had to fight to keep this holiday time and fight to be paid for it , as I was told they did not have to honor this or pay me.. I was then told I had to cover at the other branch of our Nursery in Waltham Abbey on the Thursday and Friday, despite me telling them this was not possible due to having no car as it was broken and not road worthy (complete and utter lie, there was nothing wrong with my car I was just sick of keep being asked to go an cover and represent at the other branch yet being told I wasn’t good enough at my job, so why was I suddenly good enough to cover at Waltham Abbey, not exactly a 5 minute drive away either…. )  and told them I had no way of getting there as my dad was at work (true) ..i was told it had to be me that went.. who knows why…


Anyway so I made them pay out £120.70 in train fares for both days, as I meant I had to walk from mine to the local train station (15/20 min walk) , then get a train to London Liverpool Street, and then from there get on another train across to Waltham Cross.. and got it sorted so that someone picked me up from the station and took me to the nursery and dropped me back off at the station on both days. I was supposed to do 9-5 but actually didn’t get off the train until 9.10am both mornings as it was agreed nobody could collect me before then and I was dropped off at the station by 4pm both days … with an hours lunch too , so nice short days too.. Then again it did take me nearly 2 hours to get there and the same back on both days….


On the Friday just before I finished up for the day I had a message to ring my manager back as she had tried to ring me but I was busy at the time.I rung her back and was told that she had done the rota for the following week at work and I was not needed to work  and told me to make today my last day working for them.. I was glad in some respects as it meant I could now have a bit of me time and have a weeks break before starting my n ew job to try sort myself out , which I was in desperate  need of as I was not in a good place with everything that had been going on, but also a sad and hurt that I did not get the opportunity to say goodbye to my key children , or any of the other children as I did not feel as much as I was ready to go that it was fair to just up and go and not get the chance to say bye to my key children.



I got straight onto my union to ensure they were kept up to date with everything going and not just this but to see where I stood on being paid, as I was leaving two weeks earlier than I had planned or given notice for and wanted and needed the full months payment. I was asked if I had a contract that stated I had to give notice and if so how much notice which I confirmed yes I did have a contract that stated I had to give notice and had to give four weeks notice, I was asked whether I had done this which I confirmed yes I had given a full four weeks working notice and was told that due to the fact they were the ones to say I could go early and I hadn’t asked or mentioned going early that I was entitled to a full months pay .I felt I had to know this before hand so if I was told by management they were not paying for the whole month that I would have a case and could argue it and get my money , whereas on the other hand if I had been told no I wasn’t entitled to it then I would have told the management I was working my full notice and refuse to leave early.


I got an email back from management saying how I was only being paid for the two weeks that I worked and that they were not paying for me for my final two weeks that I should have been there , got straight back to my union rep for him to deal with and yeahh several unanswered emails, texts and calls I am still chasing this up .. but I will get my money that I am entitled to I will not be dropping this especially after the way they speak to and treat their staff , this is the very least they can actually do is it to pay me.

Of course with the whole situation of thigns there was no chance of me ever wanting to go back there or step foot in or on the premises , so when I was told to return my uniform to them in person I of course was no rush to do this, why should I rush to return their uniform when they couldn’t speak to me or treat me fairly or like a human being .A few weeks later I then got an email telling if I didn’t wish to return the uniform how they would deduct the cost of it out of my wages, baring in mind they were already short paying me of two weeks money  and now wanted to try to charge me for uniform too..


It wasn’t just the thing of not wanting to go back to return it but also the fact that my new working hours did not tie in with their hours , so I was leaving for work before they opened and coming home after they closed too. I sent mum a text explaining to her and she told me to leave it with her and she would return it on my behalf…. ohhhh boy did she do that !!!!


She of course was fuming at the way I had been treated throughout my time working for them which was a measly 13 months , but it was 13 months too long , it was not a short enough experience … lets just sayyy they defintely know what mum thinks of them …

So she goes up there presses the office buzzer, the deputy came out and acted like she didn’t know who mum was , she knew exactly who she was as she had told me before how she saw her some mornings walking our dog or saw me walking up with her if mum was taking the dog out early enough etc.. so mum goes “I’m mum”  and the deputy looked confused so mum goes “i’m mum,Bethan’s Mum, is the manager about” so the deputy was like no she’s busy at the moment or unavaliable type thing… so mums reponse back was well there’s a surprise, funny how she’s always busy when there’s a problem in this place.. The deputy was like can I ask what the problem is? so mum goes yeah I’ve come to return your uniform and what about Bethan’s pay you still haven’t paid her the fares from working at the other nursery that she was told would be paid back within a couple of days.. the deputy said oh I’ll chase that up and will get the manager to contact Bethan…..OHH dear wrong move.. so mum goes no you won’t she’ll speak to me about it.. So the deputy left mum standing on the doorstep , with the door open.. stupid mistake.. whilst she went to get a pen and paper to take down mums contact details.. mum of course saw this opportunity and walked straight in , so the deputy was like oh hang on I’m just getting a pen and paper type thing… In the process mum has turned round and gone and here’s your s****y Uuniform throwing it all strewn up , unwashed All over the chairs in the lobby outside the office.


To this commotion going on … in  my mums words… this little short thing with hair scrapped back tightly with thick red lipstick comes walking out of the office and says something along the line of is everything ok/ is there anything I can help with type thing … my mum absolutely fuming at this point with everything from the past 13 months and especially so with current events going on , as not taken lightly to this and has turned round  and gone and you are, in a rather annoyed and disgusted tone.. she of course said her name and my mum instantly knew this was my manager… and  looked her up and down and looked down her nose at her type thing and gone ohhh your ****** are you ?!!! and let rip on  her ..  about my not getting train fares back , and the managers response was asking the deputy to get paper for details, to which she had responded she already was doing this.. and then said oh rest assured I’ll look into it and chase it up.. mum turned round and said yeahh and we all know what your word and promises are like.  and went off in one at her, and honestly rightly so .I’m sorry but she deserved every bit of it.. mum went to say and the next time we hear rumours about what your like to work for we will listen.. but got cut off  by the manager saying how one of the parents had left a present for me , which through mum off her track, but still I think she got her point across and totally rocked it massively!!


funnily enough I then got my train fares back in my bank account about an hour after mum had been in.. despite them telling mum it had gone in on the Wednesday and it was now the Friday… yupp alright then… #


I’m still now awaiting my union sorting out and getting my final two weeks back sorted and have a case against them to get this pay that I am entitled too , they’re luck though as I have been told from those in the HR firm that I actually have a very strong case with discrimination and unfair treatment to actually sue them and get compensation of up to £3,000 out of them for everything that they’ve done , but honestly I just want and need my final two weeks pay and then I want nothing more to do with them and do not want to be associated with such a place, they have no care or respect for their staff, work them to the absolute core and still walk all over them and treat them like dirt, they do have a high staff turn over despite what they say and honestly it’s no wonder why .. In my 13 months of working for them I saw multiple people go.. one handed her notice in but phoned up supposedly and walked but who knows could’ve just been told like me not to bother returning,  about 3 apprentices walk out as they could not hack it or the way they were treated, two members of staff hand their notices in and serve and work the full four week notices, others that have literally walked out and not come back … they;re not nice to work for at all …  let’s just say when it got out to staff that I’d handed my notice in I had comments like i’m not surprised they treat you really badly, you are so unhappy here, you can do so much better and multiple staff expressing similar feelings about leaving themselves …



However moving away from all that I have now been in my new job as a leader practitoner at a Montessori Nursery with the under 2’s and am absolutely loving it, it couldn’t be any more different from what I have just come from.. everyone is friendly , supportive, encouraging and get along and most of all the most important thing is we all work well together and work as a team supporting each other , and there is no hierachy as such, of course there is a managing director, the nursery manager and a supervisor but we all do bits of everything and help everyone out there are no jobs that are exclusive to one person or another the workload is completely shared out .A few days in I was given a key to the building to let myself in and became a key holder , and begun doing the opening checks and set up on my own , already feeling so much more trusted and valued and I’d only worked there a couple of days before I got my key, was allowed to do opening and closing checks and take charge of this , being in charge of opening up and closing up the nursery , welcoming children and parents into the nursery, answering the nursery phone etc..

It’s only a small montessori but it is soo lovely and the care for staff and children is completely there and wow what an opportunity and adventure to be having to be working alongside a managing director, a manager who started the week after me and a deputy/supervisior who only started today and that the managing director is going to be taking a huge step back and letting us three run the nursery .Like wow, what seriously..the previous nursery had completely knocked me and left me feeling like I was no good at my job, like I would never have a successful career in childcare and already within a few weeks I’m a key holder to the building  and co running a nursery, something that I never in a million years expected to be doing let alone running the under 2’s section but wow … already I feel like I’m more myself than I have been in ages and feel so supported and feel that I have an amazing team supporting me , and that support and belief from them is out of this world , and is totally what I needed.Of course being a level 2 I don’t know everything so getting to work with a new team that is just being built and starting from scratch , with both of them having bucket loads of expirence is amazing and there is no I’m better than you. or I’ve done this you haven’t we all just muck in and get on with it.. .So much so I get excited and get butterflies waking up every morning knowing I have work , I;m no longer walking on egg shells, I feel free to be myself and am already my loud, bubbly, crazy self and can often be seen laughing, smiling, dancing and singing around the room , but honestly I feel treat your staff right and you see the results as you can just feel and see the love in the room and can totally see the children are picking up on this and as a result we all have great bonds and have loads of fun and laughter.


Already on my 3rd week I have 5 key children and have another two starting with me in the under 2 section soon, the most out of the other two members of staff who have key children .It genuinely feels so different and doesn’t feel like work at all , i genuinely love waking up and knowing I’ll be working so much so I am only contracted 40 hours a week but in the past two weeks I’ve done 55 hours per week and this hasn’t phased or bothered me in the slightest . longer days, but a better role, a pay rise, and a lovely happy and positive environment where the children come first and ALWAYS , there is never a time that the children do not come first, they are always the ones who come first and everything is focused around them and doing the absolute best by them. Genuinely thjis was a great move, and as much as I don’t want to big myself up I can see myself staying here for the long term and being happy for years and years to come and hopefully going far within my career.I’ve learnt a lot about myself and am still learning on the job but in a positive way , rather than negative and everything weighing me down ..


I hope this kind of helps explain why I have been so quiet and absent I have just had a lot going on with everything with my previous job , as well as now in my new job where I am working longer hours but honestly I don’t care I just love my job and have found my spark again and just want ot be happy and do what makes me happy and that totally is right where I am now, this is the happiest I have been in a long time..


Its been hard getting to this point which I’ll explain more in other blogs but hey I’m getting there and I’m in a much better, happier and positive place.




I’m Back….

Published December 31, 2018 by goshgurl95

Oh My Goodness… So it’s now coming up to 8.30pm New Years Eve 2018. This blog totally wasn’t planned hence posting see you in 2019, but hey just go with me on this one…


So I guess surprise I will be seeing you in 2018 again and not 2019 just yet like originally planned.


Anyway so as I was saying it’s just coming up to 8.30pm New Years Eve and I have no plans whatsoever , apart from taking a long soak in a nice hot bubble bath, putting on some pyjamas and sticking on a film on either sky or Netflix by candle light.Whilst everyone else my age is out clubbing, drinking , at house parties, or generally out doing something. I’m sitting about at home alone ,well I’m not alone I have our pug Mowgli with me, and I’ll be honest I’m feeling pretty blah..


I thought seeing as everyone else was doing these best 9 photo challenge things across social media , that I probably should join in and do one too.. I know….I know … I don’t usually do this whole everyone else is doing this , I must do it too kinda thing , but hey shoot me I went against one of my own rules..


I’m sitting scrolling through my phone and Facebook and  hitting a blank , thinking ,I don’t know what are my best 9 moments from 2018? It’s been a pretty shitty year for me.I can’t find 9 photos! I’m struggling to find a couple let alone a whole 9 photos !!


So I abandon ship .I’m not going to do something that’s making me feel even more dull and blah than I already am this evening and in general over celebrating 2018.I’m finding myself more than ever now wishing this year to hurry up and be over with so that I can finally shut the door on A LOT of things once and for all..


I then decide hey you know what?! That social media, but predominantly Instagram my best 9 wasn’t and isn’t working for me , this isn’t my thing this year, this isn’t my vibe ,I’m totally not feeling this …Maybe I’ll try make an Instagram story, there’s been a fair few of those popping up , Maybe this is more my vibe this year?! Maybe I’ll make an Instagram story about my year…


I go onto Facebook on my phone , open up my photo album titled “2018” …Not really expecting much .After all I couldn’t do the my best 9 , so I don’t really know what I’m intending from this , or how this whole story thing is going to work out…But hey let’s just go with it and see what happens and how it feels , before I make any secure decisions..As to whether this is something I want to do or feel comfortable with…..


I start saving photos to my camera roll… OK great first step this is going alright.I start saving more, I dig through other Facebook photos ..OK great  , This seems to be going alright. I now have a notification pop up on my phone .Telling me my storage is nearly full.. I go take a look… Great it turns out I’ve saved a whole bunch of different photos.. Excellent…


Right…. Now…What?!  I have pictures now what?  How am I going to do this?  How am I possibly going to get across what I want to say?  What I’m thinking…. What I’m feeling? …



I start playing around with the photos and typing.No this isn’t right. This isn’t how I want to get this across, this isn’t meeting my aims .I’m not feeling anything from this.NO.


Let’s start again… How can I group these photos I think to myself…


OK so Guiding? There’s a lot of photos surrounding that…. Right… That’s my starting point.


I try a few attempts at writing a little intro message to try to capture what I want to share and get across …It takes a few attempts … But I get it…


I start a new slide , typing Guiding.No this doesn’t look right …I try again , typing Girlguiding, no this isn’t right either …. I type Guiding Adventures , and I play around with the font …YES , this is it…


I add photos from various Guiding Adventures …Peer Educator training, Action for Change, Norjam , and various trips and sleepovers.Writing the occasional caption on an image…


I then go onto Family and posting pictures and memories of family moments, again with the occasional caption.


I continue onto Friends .Sharing a whole range of photos from nights out, too celebrations such as  hen do’s, a wedding, a baby shower,  to things I’d forgotten had even happened this year such as afternoon tea and cocktails in London , cocktails etc..

I finish this and I find I still have lots of images saved onto my camera roll that I had selected to use on my story, that I haven’t used as of yet… I try and think of a way that I can include these , plus the things that have still been left unsaid.


I type General , with a smile face emoticon , as it just doesn’t look right on it’s own .. It needs something to highlight these things are important to me.. I post pictures of my new bedroom where I swapped rooms and redecorated the room and bought my own bed and furnishings myself,  My second car that I bought myself this year, certifications of success from passing my level 2 childcare qualification , and I begin typing captions and quotes to accompany these images to capture and show why these things are still valid and important to me…


I still have a couple of photos left that just haven’t felt right to slot in else where , that I know I still want to use and share within my story, But how? where? And how do I talk about what I’ve as of yet left unsaid from the Instagram story, but keep it short and sweet too.


I think up an idea ….. I try it….. It like it….. I post it .Great it’s up..I’ve done something positive with this whole new year thing, well a couple of things actually.As I’ve just discovered some great photos and I’m smiling a little…


I quickly flick through my story and take photos of each individual slide , so that I can add it to my Facebook story .Without it taking me ages to recreate and get right..As I’m really wanting to wash up from dinner, get upstairs, and start running myself a hot bubble bath before putting on a pair of pyjamas that I bought myself today whilst out shopping, find myself some snacks, pour myself a drink , snuggle down with Mowgli and attempt to find a film that I can pretend to be interested in just to pass the time before heading to bed….


I post it all to Facebook cutting the odd thing or two out , to help speed things along just so that I can get in the bath that bit quicker .And well let’s face it I can’t imagine many people sitting looking through it on Facebook for too long anyway..Nothing compared to what you might on an Instagram story anyway.


I post it all .. Great I’ve done it .I’ll head up and run a bath then…


Then I think to myself you know what? Maybe things haven’t been as bad as I thought… Great , OK ,Cool  🙂 .. I’ll put my phone down and go get on with that washing up and running the bath now..


I quickly message my friend Steve Carruthers , yes the one who appeared on the Undateables 🙂 and we get chatting…


…………………..Wait…………..Hold on……………..


Something hits me….. Something I’ve not realised or noticed before , suddenly comes over me …..Like a light has suddenly been switched on and I’m blinded by the light and what I can see….


OH MY GOD……. Now I’m sitting back looking at all these photos and memories….. I’ve just realised this year actually hasn’t been so shitty after all ….


I’m sitting home alone in my kitchen, come dining room , in our new grey chair with the pink cushion with the white hanging basket with the pink flowers hanging above my head, charging up my phone , whilst Mowgli can be heard snoring from the lounge…I begin welling up at this realisation. I’ve had so many great memories and moments that I’ve totally forgotten about or  have been overshadowed and overlooked  all because of what?!!! A couple of rubbish men?!!  REALLLYYY ?!!!


I genuinely hadn’t realised all the amazing things that have happened this year  all  because of some truly hurtful , upsetting and negative things….


I’m truly gutted now that I haven’t enjoyed 2018  and wrote it off  now. Because actually it’s been a bloody incredible year I’ve qualified as a level 2 Nursery Practitioner,met some amazing people who have become such close friends now ,I’ve started learning sign Language in September this year something I’ve wanted to do for so long and I’ve passed my first of 3 exams with flying colours scoring 17/18 .I’ve done loads of amazing projects and adventures withing Girlguiding ..Including Action for change, Peer Education, Starting my queens Guide Award, starting my Commonwealth Award, starting my chief guide challenge and Look wider Award, being nominated for a Jack Petchey Award, Winter Wonderland ,Norjam camp where I celebrated part of my 23rd Birthday and was first aid lead for our girls throughout the event and in charge of the girls medications etc for the first time. And I’ve learnt so much about myself that I never knew or saw before.


I’m sitting here now still in the same place, frozen to the spot in tears of joy, happiness but also some of sadness too .Why has it taken me so long  to open my eyes and realise all of this 😥


23 years  and I’ve now learnt things I NEVER knew about myself  and found strength, determination, and courage in myself that I never knew was there or saw before .I’ve grown so much in confidence without even noticing or realising it .I’ve finally after 23 years  realised my self worth and began realising and opening my eyes to the realisation of the fact that I do deserve better , and to find someone who truly is worthy of me, And finally accepting and believing all of this too after hearing it multiple times this year at various situations.



So stuff this….  I’m typing all of this up onto my blog and then I’m logging off and going off to enjoy  my new year and celebrate the incredible year that it has been .After all this year I’ve learnt to dance in the rain , even when it pours just dance through it all , if needed harder and with an even bigger smile on my face than before.. knock me down but I’ll keep getting back up again , you won’t knock me down and keep me down!!  and I’ve learnt some of the most valuable lessons this year  now you tell me why that isn’t worth celebrating?!?!


So yes that Strong,Confident ,Determined, Sassy Fiery redhead is back and she is here to stay, even if she has come back without my noticing and a little unexpectedly  and earlier than I planned or ever imagined possible..She’s more than welcome back  as far as I’m concerned, although I’m sure others will find some reason not to like it ,but that’s their problem not mine 🙂 She’s back and I’m not letting her go again under any circumstances , this has been a long time coming …..

I’m definitely  going to embrace my inner Merida in 2019 and continue to grow in confidence as well as in general in all areas and take the time to learn more about myself  and allow myself to grow and embrace the positive  and find my happiness in life, continue getting me back to me and dancing in that rain and showing it whose the boss, the rain will never win!


Happy 2019 Everyone ..Make it the best year yet !!!  So much for my plan of a new me , she’s here and has been all along , she’s here but she’s gonna grow and be the best version of me yet…. so 2019 you better be ready…..Because I’m more than ready for you ..Bring it on !! xxx






New Year ..New Beginnings. New Me..

Published December 28, 2018 by goshgurl95


well yet again ,here we are coming to the end of another year.It’s crazy how quickly this year has flown by I can’t quite believe we are nearing 2019 already.I hope you have all had a lovely Christmas break and are looking forward to the new year which is fast approaching us now.


For me this year hasn’t been a very good year and in all honesty I cannot wait to close the door to 2018 and open the door to 2019.


This has been an incredibly hard year for me first of all with my ex who I discussed in my previous blog which all started in summer 2017 and didn’t finally come to an end until April this year so that wasn’t the best of starts to the year and I thought at the time it was just a minor blip and it would be over with and wouldn’t affect 2018 for me , I couldn’t have been any further from the truth on that . As it did in fact take over a lot more of this year than I suspected with all of the abuse , the arguments, both break ups, the controlling behaviour from him , the letters and visits from his mum etc.


I left a job in March this year that I absolutely loved and adored all because of my said ex and not feeling safe with him knowing where I worked anymore and feeling fearful that he would once again turn up at my work place and wait for me, so I made the decision to leave and move jobs to a different area so that he would not know where I was and to prevent him from doing such things again.This has been a really hard decision to have made , at the time it was the easiest thing in the world to think I’ll leave my job and move and it made sense , now however I miss the place like mad, miss the children, miss my colleagues who had become close friends and all of the social outings and just everything about it and it foes honestly quite deeply upset me that I felt I had to move because of my ex.Now looking back feel I should have been braver and bolder to have stayed in my job , but however they do say everything happens for a reason .I did a few months back apply for my position again at my previous employment but unfortunately was unsuccessful .


Through everything with my ex whether I like to admit it or not it has affected me a lot this year and I have lost friends over the situation I was in , some I now no longer have any contact with , others I am still in contact with however we are no longer as close as we used to be which is quite upsetting and I now see and hear a lot less from them than what I did before, However  I can see both sides and see why this is the case when the whole time I was with my ex I had been so distant from them , little did they or I know at the time as to why though, through the control my ex had over me.


I’ve not really felt myself this year due to everything that has been going on .I do feel I have lost a lot of myself and confidence within myself, I know I have had a lot of comments saying how brave I was to have left my ex and to have found the strength to have dne that.However it wasn’t easy it was incredibly hard , more so because I geuniely loved him with everything I had and I had never felt that way ever about anyone before that I thought and felt that what we had was something special and I thought that was it and I wouldn’t and couldn’t for ages accept what was happening ,I fought with everything I had to make it work and to change him and for everything to be ok , when in all reality I was lying to myself and hurting myself, I was so desperately unhappy ,I no longet knew who I was keep making excuses for someone hoping that they would realise the situation and change for me, for our sakes. When I look back all I was fighting was myself and a loosing battle, that I should have thrown my hands up earlier on and admitted defeat and gave up fighting for something I knew was wrong and that I knew wasn’t me or the life I wanted for myself.


On top of this I have watched my sister go through a horrific relationship and the breakup of that ,which led me wishing I had noticed the signs earlier and done something , anything to have helped her and to have got her through it , after she lost everything all because of some guy , it’s wrong how these men do this to women, and of course women to men as it is not always men that do these horrific things and that left me in a bad way , feeling like I had failed my little sister , like a failure of a sister , as though I should have done more  .This then led me to thinking of course as her older sister she is going to be looking up to me and seeing what I’m doing as much as she probably will not admit this..  I then realised how weak and silly I had been with my whole situation with my ex and that I should have done a whole lot more ,I should have reported it and got police involved.omething I was very against doing at the time.I should have got myself to the doctors or a&e after he pushed me over brusing and cutting all my knees, to the point my right knee began swelling and getting puss filled.


Because what example did that set to my sister or any other young women? that the best thing to do is get away, yes ok fine maybe as I did manage to do that.However my sister had the strength to get police involved and take action , whereas I did not do this and this is now something I will have to live with for the rest of my life knowing what happened to me and knowing I sat back and did nothing and let him walk free with no consequence or punishment for what he did and leaving him to go on to continue down this pathway and do the same thing again to more women.


I then thought things were great after meeting my new boyfriend and thought things were beginning to look up and that things would be ok again,However unfortunately things between us did not work out and I became single again just before Christmas after I left him , there has been many reasons rumoured as to why and not one of those rumoured reasons have been true and only I and he are fully aware as to why things came to an end. So that wasn’t quite a planned thing for this year, I mean meeting him and getting into a new relationship in general wasn’t planned and of course nor was the ending of things either.Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy making that decision to split as I had genuinely had some great times and memories with him that I will always remember such as going away for my first weekend away without my parents with him and the fun and laughter that we had , however we just aren’t meant to be, we both had different wants and desires from life that led us to going separate ways.


As well as leaving me a couple of weeks before Christmas running around trying to return all the gifts that I  and my family had bought for him both for Christmas and for his birthday , which proved to be interesting , however I got my returns and money bacl, not that this was the point though, .



SO not been the best year for me and something I cannot wait to close the door on and leave behind me , I mean it was only over Christmas this year that the reality and discovery of how I was nearly proposed too last Christmas hit me and how even now I know that he wasn’t the one and how terrified I was of how I would get out of it


Don’t get me wrong although it has been a horrible year that I can’t wait to close the door too there have been some positives from the year too though, such as starting my sign language course in September this year and absolutely loving every minute of that , it genuinely is the highlight of my week I took my first of  three exams towards my level 1 sign language back in November and passed with flying colours scoring 17/18 which I was more than thrilled with , although that 1 mark was irritating to know what exactly I missed the mark on but I am now preparing and learning the modules for my second exam which is early next year that I am excited about , although there is a lot more vocab for this exam but hey I’ll do , I aim this time to pas with full marks, got to keep pushing yourself right 🙂


I also this year received my 5 year service award badge in guiding, although it was 6 years in September but never mind better late than never and was also nominated for a Jack Petchey award, that I am awaiting to hear the outcome of  which is pretty exciting although of course I don’t feel I deserve the award and feel there are many more members in guiding that deserve it much more than I do .


I have also began undertaking some more guiding projects and awards this year such as I am working towards my Look Wider Award, Chief Guide Award,Commonwealth Award, Queens Guide Award (which is the highest award within guiding), I have also recently started a guiding project called Action for change, which is a 9 month project that will hopefully see me bringing change to something I am very passionate about.I also this year completed my peer educator too meaning that I am now able to deliver sessions to young girls across brownies, guides and senior section on more sensitive subjects such as mental health, stereo typing, body image , body confidence etc .I have delivered one session so far and absolutely loved it and just hope that I can be that listening ear to young members and get them thinking about these subjects that are not always discussed .


I have had a lovely Christmas with my family very relaxed and chilled , it was especially nice to have my sister home with us for a couple of days as she moved to London a few months ago to persue her dreams of being a makeup artist, and is currently working as a Beauty Advisor in a makeup shop which is incredible to see her doing something that she loves and is so passionate about and really going for her dreams to achieve them.


My aims/ goals and resolutions for 2019:


My resolutions for 2019 as much as people always say there’s no point in the whole new year, new me thing. I am using 2019 to be a fresh start to make the most of my life again , to rediscover , grow and build myself and start afresh in discovering who I am and getting my life back on track.The ways I aim to do this is by the following:


  • Make more time for me- By this I mean just making more time for myself to do the things I want to do and enjoy ,even if this means reading a chapter of my book for half hour before I go to sleep each night, completing a wordsearch etc.


  • Treat myself more- now by this I don’t necessarily  mean just going out spending loads of money on myself ,although I will be aiming to treat myself to new clothes and things too, but by this I don’t mean just clothes but like treating myself to that extra 5 minutes in the bath, treating myself to a glass of wine or a face pack after work, treating myself to that bit of chocolate I’m craving , even though I’ve had chocolate twice after work already that week or letting myself have that extra 5 minutes in bed at the weekend.


  • Look after myself more- I suppose this one links in really with the first two as well but just to make sure I am looking after me and not letting myself get too bogged down or worked up over things and just making sure that I do take that time to look after myself and put that extra bit of time into myself, even if that means accepting you know what I’ve had a rough day or a rough week and accepting that I’m not ok or that things aren’t ok or as happy and positive as I would like and reaching out to friends and family and saying actually you know what I;m not alright rather than just hiding it and making out everything is sunshine and rainbows all the time.I mean lets face it who is sunshine and rainbows all the time?!  but unless we accept this how is anyone supposed to know what is up or whats troubling us even if it is the smallest thing in the world, if it matters to you then it matters and it’s important.


  • Focus on myself more- Now I don’t mean any of the above or this one in a big headed way but I just feel I need to start over again and rebuild and discover myself and how else can I do this if I don’t focus on me?! by this resolution I mean lisrtening to myself more what is my head and heart saying, why am I feeling the way I’m feeling,  I guess as well trust my own instinct and not brush it off as nothing just listen to that what is my instinct telling me. How do I feel about different things?  what is it I like? what is it I enjoy? what is it that makes me happy? what is it that makes me sad? what is it that is hurting me? what do I want to do?


Already I have kicked started my resolutions as a way of starting the new year off on the right foot and have booked in my next 3 nail appointments as I’ve decided I really like getting my nails done and this is something I would like to do for me on a regular basis,I’ve bought myself two pairs of leather trousers (ok not real leather I can’t quite afford that but still faux leather is good enough) to  try to boost my esteem and confidence and bring that strong headed confident 8 year old me back ,I mean it’s been long enough it’s about time she made an appearance again and came back to stay.

I’ve also ordered some lacy body suits to go with the leather trousers and a couple of nicer styled tops to wear with them, I’m going to get my eyelashes and brows done more regularly,


Focus on my sign language and working to works achieving the marks and results I would like from that, same for with my guiding awards I’m going to knuckle down and work hard towards achieving my goals and awards within guiding , I;m going to work as hard as I can to achieving my level 3 NVQ in childcare and just let life be and try to find some happiness in life again .


I’m going to try to rekindle some friendships and put more effort into friends , going out and just generally having a good time and having a laugh really .


Wishing you all a very happy 2019 and hoping that your dream and goals will come true for you this year 🙂  I will leave you with some of my favourite photos from 2018 and I’ll see you all real soon in 2019 xx



Breaking the Silence..

Published October 28, 2018 by goshgurl95

Ok so I have to be completely honest .. I have no idea how to write this blog or even how it is going to come out. However, I do feel I both need and want to share this chapter and part of my story with you all, how easy that will be to do I have no idea but it needs to come out into the open and be heard….

It’s time.

As some of you will know before I met my current boyfriend Grant (Kermit as he is nicknamed) I was with somebody else who was my first serious relationship, and well this is my story about that chapter of my life.


It all started in the summer of 2017 just before my 22nd Birthday , I was  on tinder and  I was about to give up ,  I came across him and begun talking to him this went on for a couple of days and nights,  up until the early hours just continuously texting backwards and forwards until one of us (usually me) fell asleep.


It didn’t take long before he had given me his number and we had begun texting and this continued on into early hours everyday , until we decided to meet for the first time.


I was supposed to be having that day off  work , however I  had been called in due to staff sickness and shortages so not wanting him to think I was bailing on him I quickly messaged as I couldn’t turn down the money or offer or work plus I didn’t want them knowing I was going on a date.


we postponed until later on that day and  moving the meeting place from Costa Coffee in my small home town to Starbucks in Chelmsford after I finished work. Problem resolved.


All day at work I was excited about my date that lay ahead and sat clock watching wishing the hours away, considering this was my first date I wasn’t at all nervous. At lunch I text him to make sure it was all still going ahead.It was.


Once I finished work I quickly rushed to the office to retrieve my phone (I work in a Nursery and for safety reasons phones had to be in a box in the office) and quickly pressed the on switch and waited for my phone to power on, It was the longest and most anxious couple of minutes, I just had to check he was actually coming before I made an idiot out of myself.

He was still coming. So I quickly rushed to the staff room and retrieved my bags and headed to the toilet to get changed and tidy my hair and makeup up and make myself look  good for my date.


Once ready I headed off to my car to put my work uniform in the boot and began walking into the town centre, a couple of the girls at work were a little nervous seeing as I hadn’t told my mum or dad about the date and worried what if something went wrong? what if i got into trouble? what if he wasn’t who he said he was? So I promised them any issues I would ring them on the office phone at work.


Still I wasn’t feeling nervous just pure excitement , I arrived at Starbucks and quickly scanned the coffee shop for him or someone that resembled him , nope nothing. So I assumed he couldn’t have been there yet so headed to the counter to order myself a coffee and grab a table. I purposely found a table near the back of the coffee shop ,with two seats and sat myself with my back to the main entrance door, but so I could see out of the windows, so then If I spotted him and It wasn’t him I would be able to get up quick and go to the bathroom, As well as being able to look over my shoulder for someone wandering around looking for someone and had my phone to hand in case I needed it.


I sat drinking my coffee waiting for him to turn up, At one point I thought he had stood me up until a text message pinged up on my phone from him saying that he was on his way and how his train had been delayed and he was now walking up from the train station, meaning he was possibly 10 minutes away. Again no nerves at all.


I sat watching from the window studying each male that walked past, was he really who he said he was?


After about 15 minutes or so I spotted him from the window and knew it was him the adrenaline and excitement kicked in , it was him he looked exactly like his photos online had, but still I sat cool ,calm and collected and waited for him to approach me, I was not about to make the first move here. I sat watching over my shoulder as I saw him enter the building and look around studying people around me , trying to see if he could find me as I had told him I was there and had a table for us.

He soon approached me and we got talking and all went well to the point we didn’t notice everyone around us had gone and staff were trying to close before we finally got kicked out.We went outside and stood talking some more and went for a wander even though it was pouring down with rain. By this time most things in town had shut so it was very quiet and dark now .


Before we parted ways and I headed back to collect my car from work and he went in the opposite direction to catch his train back home (near southend on sea) .He asked if he could kiss me, so I said how I don’t really do kisses on a first date but a hug would be fine. Despite this he kissed me on the lips anyway and I kissed him back (eyes open from me though) ( I know this doesn’t make much difference but still)


Things continued going well and we both continued texting until the early hours of every morning until one of us (Usually me) fell asleep, and as soon as we awoke the next morning we were straight back at it.


That weekend I decided to go and surprise him , as he was doing temp work in Wickford acting during the holidays for kids and families and had a part in Willy Wonka,  I thought perhaps we could go and get a drink after before I came home again.


Things didn’t quite go to plan there, I left a Brownies event that I was attending with my district ,early to get home and quickly get changed before jumping back in my car and driving down to Wickford to catch the last walk through act of the day, so that there would be more chance of us being able to go for a drink or something to eat straight after.

I headed down there as planned and watched his walk through and walked through the rest of the story (texting him as I was walking around as he was on the very first part of the walk through so had now finished for the day) We met up as soon as I had finished the walk through and he had gotten changed .He asked if I wanted to go do something now, so things were again going to plan. However his mum had come to pick him up as he didn’t drive.

However he ended up coming in my car instead so that we could talk more and  drove back to his to watch movies (his idea).


This started off alright , it was a little awkward for me as I felt a little weird being in his house alone (his mum had gone straight out) and his grandad was in bed so it was literally just us two sitting in the house, but still we chose a film and started watching it , well I say watching it but we were chatting and laughing through most of it and generally mucking about.The film finished and he asked me if I wanted to take things upstairs, so I said no obviously like what?! this was only the second time I had ever met him and nothing had been going on just chatting and having a laugh nothing anywhere remotely serious.


He was like no I don’t mean we have to you know do stuff, but just go upstairs to my bedroom and just get comfy up there and watch films , which I thought was a little odd and just didn’t sit right with me , I mean  what was wrong with just sitting downstairs watching films? I was comfy enough  on the sofa .He let it go and we continued to sit downstairs in the lounge ,well best front room as it was known , then again a few minutes later he asked again about going upstairs again I said no. He tried persuading me but I remained fixed, no this wasn’t going upstairs .I was just worried what if something were to happen? what if he had other ideas other than just watching a movie upstairs? how would I get out of the situation? again he dropped it , however again another few minutes later he asked again, again I was fixed on NO.


This kept happening until eventually he said to me I’m just going to go upstairs and get the room ready and then you can come up and sit up there if you want, if you don’t want to that’s fine, so again I was determined and sure that no way was I going up there, yes ok we had been having a laugh  downstairs but I certainly didn’t want this moving upstairs to the bedroom.


About 15 minutes later he came back down to me telling me how he had sorted the room out and made it all nice, again I said I didn’t want to go upstairs, eventually after him pressuring and persuading I did go upstairs with him, but I remained on a chair at the top of the stairs on the landing next to the bathroom , nervous and scared and not knowing what to do, but knowing I didn’t want to go into his bedroom with him, but feeling helpless not knowing him or the area or even the address that I was at.

I eventually went into the bedroom with him but adamant that nothing was happening , sitting and talking fine, watching a film OK bearable I could do that but anything else NO!


He of course did have other things on his mind… and this upset me because this wasn’t me at all or something I stand for ,i’d only just met the bloke for christ sakes I had no idea who this person really was.


I just remember him trying to get things started and trying to get things to happen and just knowing that it was going to end badly and that this wasn’t me and I couldn’t do this, He knew this as I had told him that this wasn’t what I wanted and that I couldn’t do this .I remember sneakily texting one of my friends from work simply with the word “HELP!”  , she knew instantly where I was and that I was with him.

Long story short…did loose my virginity that night to him?……. Yes  …

Was it consensual?….. yes

Did I want to consent?…. NO

Did I regret it ?….. Yes instantly.


I remember driving home and feeling confused and conflicted, had I wanted what had happened to happen? No of course not I had only just met him and had no idea who this person was, but at the same time I felt I was nearly 22 years old and had never had it with anyone and felt I was old and that I should have by now..


Did I want to lose it that night to him?…. No, not at all.

Did I want it like that? …..No, never I wanted my first time to be special

Was it special?….. No of course not.

Did we use protection? … long story behind it but in the short term no, I’ll explain later on…


I got home early hours of the morning and just threw myself straight into bed and tried to forget about what had just happened, What I had just done..


The next morning, however, was a totally different story, I woke up and cried, and cried and cried and sobbed my heart out at the realisation of what had happened just a few short hours ago , I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, hurt, upset, angry, I felt regret, I felt stupid.


I didn’t get out of bed until I knew everyone had gotten up and had all gone out and left the house, I quickly got up had the worlds quickest shower, threw on the first clothes I came across, brushed my hair, grabbed a bag, threw on any shoes and my sunglasses, grabbed my car keys and drove into town still sobbing and headed straight for the only pharmacy that I knew would be open.


There was absolutely no way I could tell my parents about this I knew that they’d only tell me how foolish I had been, and rightly so, so this IS the first time they will be aware of any of this as I just couldn’t and still haven’t been able to bring myself to tell them..


Embarrassed and upset I headed into Boots and waited anxiously and nervously until the pharmacy area was quiet as I didn’t want anyone overhearing what I was in for (haha sounds a bit criminal reading back lol but anyway) , I felt enough shame and embarrassment as it was let alone others knowing, so I made it look like I was browsing until everyone else had collected prescriptions, asked their questions and moved away. I then very nervously asked the man behind the counter for the morning after pill, of course I was told I would have to speak to an actual pharmacist , so I sat and waited to be called into the consultation room, the wait felt like a lifetime, I felt like a naughty school girl sitting outside the headmasters office …


After what felt like a lifetime of waiting I was finally called through, and oh my goodness it was horrific I just felt I was being judged and lectured the whole time. I was asked questions such as was it consensual, what protection if any had I/we used , was I raped, was I drunk or under any influences etc , had I had any morning-after pills before, was there any chance I was pregnant (I certainly hoped there wasn’t) , how old was I, did I know the risks of what I had done, Before he then went onto saying how the morning after pill could be an option for me and talked through the risks and side effects of that and how despite taking my pill and the morning after pill I could still be pregnant (not something I wanted to hear and now was hoping more so I wouldn’t be)

Anyway so I ended up getting the  morning after pill £30 later !!!!!! absolutely insane but hey what else was I supposed to do ? yes I had taken my pill the day it happened, and also the morning after but I just needed something to guarantee or at least minimise my chances of being pregnant .. I can’t remember now if mentioned it earlier on but he did put a condom on  as this was the only way I would agree to anything, even though I didn’t want to do anything, but the condom split  so he told me it was ok he had another one , he looked for it and couldn’t find anymore .So I was like ok then well we’re done here it’s not happening then , great this is perfect I’ll be ok now….


Nope he then told me he had  other protection and that he had a spermicide gel/ spray stuff that would kill off any sperm, and me being a complete newbie to this whole thing didn’t know if this was a real thing or not, turns out it wasn’t true , yes you can get it in condoms but not a gel or spray  so basically he’d lied to me to get me to have sex with him..


I didn’t know what else to do and I didn’t know if I ever wanted to see him again after this , however I did text him and told him I had bought the morning after pill , purely because at the time I felt he had a right to know, looking back now knowing what I know now (you’ll find out soon )I wish I had just walked away at this point if not beforehand..


I ended up driving over to Southend probably around 3/4pm on that Sunday to have a late lunch/ early pub dinner with him and discuss everything, I was still upset and confused but I felt like I came away from that meal feeling like we were both on the same page and wavelength and that it wouldn’t happen again and felt that I got my point and everything across, so things were ok again …


I ended up staying out until early hours of the morning for a second night running this time it was just up a local pub for food , and a walk along the sea front, no stopping at his.


On the Tuesday evening I was heading out to the cinema with my family and was still texting him constantly back and forth ,he text me something on the way to the cinema, I can’t remember exactly  what, but it was basically saying how he really liked me and wanted to ask me out but how he had also gone on another date previous to me meeting him at the weekend and how he was trying to decide who to ask out .


I was kind of hoping that he would ask me out because of everything that had already happened, not that it would make it all ok but at least it wouldn’t have been like a one night stand at least I would still be seeing him. However at the same time ,I also felt well that’s charming telling me your trying to pick between two of us , why was he telling me this, why should I be having to fight for him if this what he wanted me to do?


By the time the film finished and I turned my phone on, on the drive home I had received a text  message from him asking me out of course I said yes .15th August 2017 we became officially a couple.


Things went well from then I was happy, and in love. The following weekend I went up to Southend to spend my  22nd birthday weekend with him we went to the sealife centre, walked along the beach, got milkshakes etc then went back to his and watched films at his and chilled out..


The next day I went back again for the Southend Sea Front  carnvial and the first couple of weeks to month went well no hiccups and things seemed to be going well and we were meeting up every weekend ….


Fairly soon after he asked me about staying over his at first I wasn’t sure that I should but then again we had been doing everything else and I was going home at like 1/2am so would it really make that much difference? So I agreed I would start staying over on a saturday night and going home Sunday’s .



After this weekend he then went away for a boys weekend to Amsterdam so of course I was worried sick, thinking yeah great lads weekend huh?! what’s going to happen there? Drink, drugs ,sex, red light district  etc seeing as drugs are legal out there. He reassured me it wouldn’t be like that at all but was honest and did say of course he would be drinking and that he would be trying things out there seeing as it is legal, Now I’m totally against drugs but what exactly could I do to stop him? and I just felt well he is being honest and open about it at least he’s not hiding it from me , or letting me find out the hard way by himself or one of his mates texting or phoning me out of it I suppose.


Before he went he left me with his favourite ring to assure me that he was coming back to me and kind of as his promise to me that he wouldn’t be meeting other women and that he wouldn’t cheat on me or our relationship etc.


When he came back all was good and I stopped worrying. I decided to surprise him when he got back by turning up to his and had planned to go with his mum to pick him up from the airport without him knowing I was going , However by the time I finished work and got to his , his mum had already left to collect him so I Sat waiting on his drive way ,texting him as though I was at home as I’d told him I couldn’t make it .His face was a picture when he realised I was on his drive way waiting for him and had sat there for over an hour and a half.


The first couple of months were great like this , However things did then start taking a turn , he began questioning me a lot on everything and anything such as who I was with, who I was talking to , and just generally being protective of me which I didn’t see to be a problem , However a couple of my friends thought otherwise and were not so sure, for instance on Friday night I had met up with my two friends after work for dinner and drinks as I had worked with them at my previous job and we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He rung me despite knowing that I was out with friends and again asked me where I was and who I was with and he didn’t believe me until one of my two friends took the phone off of me and spoke to him to assure him they were both females and who they said they were.At the time I didn’t see this as a problem and thought it quite sweet that he was being so protective over me and making sure I was ok.


My friends were not so sure about it, However I reassured them it was fine he was just a worrier and got a little anxiety at times and how it was no big deal..


Things like this continued to happen , He would always be questioning me and things like that and then he begun texting and calling me a lot more frequently than what he had before and would get a little annoyed if I wasn’t answering him straight away , but would be ok when I would then text him and say I couldn’t speak at that time as I was at work or had to stay on a little longer etc and all would be fine again no problems and nothing to worry about.


Most likely around the end of September after his 30th Birthday , where I was at his for the whole weekend had spent a fortune on him I bought him a crystal whisky glass and had it engraved with his name , took him out for surprise dinner at a nice resturant, I bought him breakfast in bed with croisants, waffles, fresh fruit, honey, jams, champagne, made him a box of 30 things for his 30th  such as a marble for incase he lost one of his etc, some war model thing that was over £50 that he wanted decorated his whole house in banners and balloons


The weekend after we begun arguing, not over anything serious , just silly little arguments like he would get a lot more insecure  and was asking me a LOT more questions and getting paranoid thinking I was seeing somebody else, which of course I wasn’t this isn’t me at all. So really his insecurities and paranoia were causing the arguments and the fact it didn’t seem to me like he was believing me. It wasn’t every weekend that we were arguing just the odd weekend here and there , and every couple argues right? so this was all perfectly normal wasn’t it?


However over the next few weeks the arguments slowly began increasing to the point we were arguing every other weekend , not for the whole weekend (Friday evening-Sunday) but still they were there. Again I just thought ok this is all normal yes it’s a little irritating and happening more and more to the point it was every other weekend, but it was fine he didn’t mean any of what he was saying and he would soon apologise.


However it got to the point that we were arguing every single weekend  and he seemed to be loosing his temper a little more and getting a bit angry at times, however it was all ok we kept working at it and I would try to help him through whatever was going on.


I Remember going to his Aunt and Uncles House for fireworks night in the November and we had been alright , a couple of arguments and him getting angry and threatening for us not to go to the party as he didn’t have any money to buy fireworks and had told his aunt and uncle that this year he would be buying fireworks and bringing drink to contribute , as apparently the parties were always way over the top and silly .He had asked his nan if he could borrow money , she had said no she didn’t have any money she could lend him , so he begun getting angry with her and loosing his temper .Shouting, swearing, hitting, kicking etc .His nan then found him a little bit of money I think it was around £10 and he kicked off at that saying that it wasn’t enough money  and getting angry with me when I said I would buy fireworks or at least give him money towards it (something by this point I was used to doing)



Eventually we did go and buy fireworks and drink and went to the party .He was a gent and gave me his coat as I had forgotten mine amoungst all the arguing and temper tantrums going on.However he didn’t half moan about being cold though , so I said to him well have it then and I won’t wear one, but of course this was the wrong thing to have said (I was getting to this point that I felt like I was walking on eggshells with him not knowing what the right thing to say or do was without him causing arguments or getting angry with me).His uncle lent him one of his coats which solved the issue.


My word do their firework parties get out of hand , the men more than anyone causing it picking fireworks up and lighting them in their hands, putting fireworks inside pumpkins and generally in silly places , to the point they were flying all over the place and you didn’t know where they were going to go. I actually at one point saw one come flying across the garden and thought OMG this is going to hit me run, but of course everyone had that same idea, It skimmed my ankle and did catch me a little bit. The next one nearly caught me again so again I ran , this time it’s gone flying indoors and through the house hitting the front door, so at this point I was like no enough is enough either I’m going to get hurt in a minute or someone else is and I’m not being part of that, so I remained inside with his two cousins and aunt.


So there I was sitting inside chatting away with his cousins  , by this point a few of his cousins friends and thier friends had come in and someone had said how one of their other cousins was setting up something in the conservatory , and basically was doing drugs and getting high with his mates and I of course instantly panicked thinking oh god please don’t tell me he’s been stupid enough to go in their and do anything, as I had a little while before gone back outside to see him after the fireworks had stopped and found him sitting outside in their shed that they’d turned into like a bar with sofas, pool tables etc in  and he’d seemed ok , maybe a bit drunk but nothing else.



His cousins I had been sititng with had also asked that he wasn’t in there and not to let him do anything and  in fairness he had warned me that some people may be smoking stuff but had promised me in advanced that he/ we wouldn’t be anywhere near that or getting involved in any of that as he knew how much I opposed this. So I just remember thinking well it’s ok he’s promised he won’t do anything especially so because I’m here so he wouldn’t break that promise……


I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed when I saw him come swaggering in , swaying all over the place at first I thought he was just drunk, until he got closer and he just didn’t look right he had literally gone really pale in the face had no colour in his skin and his eyes just looked awful and as though he wasn’t there, It was horrific I was so scared .I sensed immediately what he had done, but couldn’t be sure though as I had never seen anyone on drugs.He looked horrific.


Of course his cousins knew what had happened as they’d seen their brothers doing stuff like this and had seen other people when they’d been in clubs abroad doing stupid things like this so they of course instantly knew what had happened. They asked him if he felt sick, he said no…


A couple minutes later of course he was in the bathroom being sick, and didn’t come out of the bathroom , people kept coming in laughing and going to see him and were standing there laughing at him and making comments about the state he had gotten into.I didn’t find any of it funny whatsoever .I was embarrassed, ashamed, mortified, Humiliated, Scared,Hurt,Upset.


I went to find him in the bathroom and he was totally out of it, crying, unable to speak, unable to move, throwing up left right and centre.He was in a right mess.I came out in pieces what on earth had he done to himself, and more to the point why?!


His uncle came and sat and spoke to me and told me how sorry he was that I’d had to see him like this and said how he was so surprised I was still here and how if it was him he would’ve gotten up , walked off and gone home and left him too it.


It was horrific seeing him in that state unable to move or give himself a drink, which of course was making him sick but I was told all of what I was seeing was normal, I didn’t feel it was and wanted to call an ambulance out but had no idea of the address and his cousins and aunt were like no, no he’s fine , he doesn’t need an ambulance etc. of course thinking now If I had of rung then the ambulance crew would’ve used my phone signal to know where I was. but hey.


It took about 4/5 grown men to try and move him out of the bathroom, how they managed I don’t know he wasn’t exactly the slimest of people to move. But anyway they got him up and moved him into the front room sitting him up with a bucket etc.I stayed put in the kitchen I didn’t want to see this anymore I couldn’t .Especially after the last time I had gone to check on him in the bathroom , when he was able to speak before being able to only make noise he had told me how he could see the light, see himself slipping away and that he could see his nan who had passed away and then begun talking to her.I was so frightened that I was loosing him and that this would be the last time I ever saw him, as after that he was barely responding to anyone, not even me and was only making noises, until this too stopped.I honestly thought he was a goner.



His Uncle told me how I/We could both spend the night but did give me the option of going home or going back to his and them ringing me first thing in the morning to up date me on how he was but there was no way I could drive not because I had been drinking but from the shock of the whole thing of what I had just seen and witnessed and I was in too much of a state to have driven anywhere ,even if I had of wanted to and it was also coming on about 12.30/1am too so did I really want to do that drive now?! had it of happened earlier in the evening say like 7/8 even 9 then yes 100% I probably would have gone home.I left it a little longer to see what was going to happen, his aunt was like its’ fine go home , you don’t need to stay here the night, etc and even tried to get 2 of his cousins and a couple others get him into my car, but I was like why should I drive this drunk and high thing home in my car and let him throw up everywhere in my car too?! I also had no idea how I would get him out of the car the otherside when I got to his mums if  it was taking 4/5 grown men to get him outside of their house and too my car, let alone actually trying to physically get him in the car, which they were desperately struggling with.

His uncle argued my case and said exactly what I was thinking how on earth would I get him out of the car and into his mums, I mean for one I didn’t have a key to his and he didn’t have his on him as he had put it in the keysafe and I had no idea of the combination to get it out and I was not prepared to wake his mum up, and even if I had lets  be real how would the two of us get him out of the car, nor did I want him being sick everywhere in my car.


I couldn’t leave him , not like this so I said no I would stay, and his two cousins went and found me some bedding and pyjamas that I could borrow for the night.I sat up with them for a bit longer until the men had gotten him upstairs and into bed and left him there for a bit until, his aunt came down and said how she had just checked on him and he was crying saying that he was sorry and crying for me and only wanted me.


I begun feeling loved and wanted again but at the same time still heavily annoyed and disappointed in him for doing this and putting me through this and really for putting this whole situation onto me. All night I was so worried sleeping next to him, as I hate the sound of someone being sick let alone seeing it, it just makes me feel Ill.. yes I know I work with small children so surely I see and deal with this a lot , which yes that is very true but still it just gets me . I kept worrying what if I fell asleep and he choked on his sick in the night as I was having to push/ roll him to face the bucket when he was going to be sick.What if I woke up the next morning to find him dead? then what?


Thankfully he wasn’t dead the next morning and he was very apologetic , didn’t mean I was feeling any happier about the situation , as I had agreed with his uncle the night before I had a chat with him about it and set him straight on it and made him very aware of how I felt about the whole thing , and he couldn’t apologise enough, obviously not the point and he swore me not to tell his mum or anyone. So I didn’t .


Over the next few weeks things were becoming a lot worse between us we were constantly arguing, he was loosing his temper a lot quicker and getting very angry like a flick of a switch and had missed hitting me a few times, things in all aspects of our relationship were not good, he was becoming extremely possessive of me, getting very angry ,aggressive and violent towards me and just in general with his family, would constantly accuse me of being with other men and lying to him, telling me it was all my fault and that I was causing his anxiety and issues he was having.I honestly felt it was all my fault.


Right before christmas things were taking a drastic turn for the worse and I thought you know what I don’t know how much more of this I can do or take , and starting to get very upset and frustrated .His texts and calls were increasing to the point that over crhsitmas I booked some extra time off as holiday and stayed at his for near enough 2 weeks solid, where we just argued and I got spoken down to and just was generally unhappy. It was getting to a point he wouldn’t now text me to say sorry until either the sunday once I had left to go home, or even early monday morning and telling me how he didn’t mean anything he had said to me or called me. To one point it got to the point he wouldn’t apologise for his actions and behaviour until I was on my way to his the following weekend.


I had a couple of car accidents which were mostly caused due to the stress and tiredness as he was now not letting me leave his on a sunday night until really late/ early hours and I was just far too tired to be able to concerntrate or focus properly on the roads ,I ended up driving up a one way road the wrong way baring in mind it was a main road too, I went up an island and damaged my wheel, bursting my tyre and loosing the hub cap etc. Just silly things and accidents that could so easily have been prevented.


Anyway just before christmas I was at his ,as I was saying for almost two weeks and then had to come home on the 22nd December due to having my works christmas do , so I had been saying to him all week how I wanted to leave about 10am to get home, as it took about an hour to get home from his, and I just thought with it being christmas holidays the roads would probably be worse with people travelling to see family etc, and with children being off school.I needed to unpack and put clothes etc in the wash, mum was going to do my nails for me, I still needed to choose what I was wearing etc and had christmas bits to get ready too.He had been fine all week about me leaving early on the 22nd….However……



The morning of the 22nd came ,I got up early as planned and got showered, washed, dress, did my hair and makeup and rather than waking him up as agreed which I wasn’t sure if he would be angry at me for or not, but I took that risk and let him lay in whilst I packed up my things and loaded them into my car.Then went to wake him up, of course this was the wrong thing to have done and he got angry at me for waking him, so I explained how I had given him extra time in bed etc  and how we had a few bits to do before I went, such as going to a reptile shop to pick up the light and few other bits for the pet toad he had bought me as an early christmas present.He got angry and begun shouting at me and telling me let him sleep and to give him another 10 mins, so instead I gave him another 15 and got the same reaction, so I said if he wanted I would go to the shop on my own seeing as I was up and ready and would then come back and wake him up, this too was wrong and he was insistant he was coming with me and to give m=him another 10.I kept being greeted with this same reaction everytime.



Eventually he got up around 11 and took over an hour to actually get up and do anything , this was early in his books as he didn’t usually wake up until about 3/4pm due to not working and sitting up late playing on his xbox or other gaming consoles.He kept loosing his temper with me and being very short with me, I didn’t eventually leave his until gone 1pm. Even then he was constantly literally every two minutes ringing or texting me , especially so once he knew I was home , mum was doing my nails with her shellac kit and it was insane the amount my phone was ringing and buzzing with a text, to the point mum even answered the phone at one point thinking that might stop him keep ringing, of course it didn’t even then I think she began to become aware that there was a problem and that he was becoming controlling over me.


Baring in mind I had come home on the 22nd December for my works christmas do-I work in a nursery with all females and he still didn’t trust who I was with or where I was going and I was then going out the next day with my family and he would be coming over the next evening…


All night at my works do he was continuously texting and ringing me and it was just getting me down why was he being like this, he knew I was out, he knew where I was, who I was with, even who had dropped me off, when I had gotten there, and if I didn’t answer one of his messages then he would text me more and more and  wouldn’t stop and would become aggressive over text , so I had no choice but to keep answering them. I was feeling so down that I was tempted to leave before we had even begun having the meal, then I thought no I ‘ll wait until after the starter then I’ll ring dad, then I was like no come on lets just try and stay for the main before I slip away , then pushed myself to have dessert and then I would go. I felt horrid all I wanted to do was cry and go home.


This was a rare night out for me and I didn’t feel I could enjoy it even in the slightest. Once the dance floor opened I begun planning to go home.I don’t know what came over me but something eventually came over me and was like No why should he be stopping you from enjoying yourself, this is a rare night out , your with your work friends that you love, it’s nearly christmas, you won’t see them again until after christmas , go have a glass of wine and dance.I literally left my phone on the table face down went and got another large glass of wine and begun letting my hair down and enjoying myself being silly , having a laugh and dancing with my friends and honestly it was one of the best nights that I had. A couple of the girls came over a couple times to tell me my phone was ringing and I said yeah I can guess who , just leave it , I’ll deal with it later. Even when dad turned up to pick me up I was still dancing away and having a laugh, I wasn’t drunk at all , I don’t drink to get drunk but I was defintely relaxed and happy .


As soon as the night finished of course I had about a million texts and phone calls that I had ignored so they had gotten worse and more aggressive and or abusive.He had sent me a text asking to ring him as soon  as I left, dad was totally against this and told me I shouldn’t but I did anyway and it was the most pointless phone call, literally phoning to tell me his aunt and uncle had been round and left a christmas present there for me.. like yeah and? why did that warrent a phone call, why couldn’t that have waited until I saw him tomorrow? and instantly he started up with the who are you with? I can hear a mans voice, so I said you mean my dad? and He was like I don’t know I can hear a man where are you, who are you with, what are you doing ,so I said to him I was in my dads car on my way home there was no other men, would he accept this? no, not until I put him on speaker and my dad spoke even then I don’t think he believed me in honesty.



As soon as I got home he again was ringing me so I answered and pretended to be drunk slurring my words because in all honesty I couldn’t be bothered to talk to him , I was done for the night I’d had a great night out with my work friends and now I was ready for bed and I was not prepared for him to ruin my night,It worked as he didn’t ring me back after that, then again that may have had something to do with me muting his callss and texts after throwing my phone across the room out of annoyance.


The next day as planned me ,mum,dad and my sister were all heading off the Harry Potter Studio tours, we had done this before but wanted to do it again at christmas time when it was all done up all festive and christmassy. Dad even said to me I was not to answer the phone to him whilst we were out today and if he did keep ringing and pestering me then he himself would be taking the phone off of me and telling him to back off. I think I must have opened up a bit and told dad a bit more of what was going on last night , as he seemed to be more understanding today.I do remember though saying to dad in the car last night if it carried on like this I gave it until after christmas tops.


We had a great day out the four of us at Harry Potter studios and was lovely to spend some quality time together before christmas.Obviously he was due round this evening so it seemed a little strange why I hadn’t heard from him all day,I mean it wasn’t as though he was working as he didn’t have a job and hadn’t done since I’d met him.


Turns out it most liklely had something to do with the fact I hadn’t turned off the mute on his calls and texts… But anyway so he of course text me when I text him saying that we were home from the studio tours and when was he planning on coming over ? was he joining us for takeaway still , as originally the plan was he was going to be getting to ours for about 6 as we got back from the studio tour.


He didn’t answer for quite some time then rung me saying how he didn’t think he was now going to be able to come or spend anytime with me over christmas as he had no money and couldn’t borrow any to get to mine… the plan was he was coming on the evening of the 23rd and spending time with us , then on the 24th he was going to spend the day here and in the evening we were going out for dinner and drinks for dads birthday ,then spending christmas day morning here and having christmas lunch here doing presents here and then going to his mums for the evening and I would then be staying there until new years when he would be coming to mine, due to his mum working .


This whole I haven’t got any money I can’t come and see you thing was pretty standard and would happen near enough everytime he had to come to mine unless I said I would pick him up or drive or whatever, even then there would be times he would have arguments with his mum or nan or whoever and be like i’m not coming next weekend or even in the moment and would be driving around the streets looking for him where he would be kicking off etc.


To be honest at this point I really wasn’t bothered whether he came or not as he was really getting on my nerves and generally upsetting me, he told me one of the reasons he was considering not coming was because he was adamant my parents hated him and how it would be awkward for him with them knowing about all of our arguments and things he had said to me before.. such as everytime we argued he would tell me to leave, go home, he didn’t love me anyway, he could do better than me, it was all my fault etc.



Eventually he did come round but didn’t come over until around 11/11.30 due to the trains etc.. funny how he then magically found the money to come down to see me, like usually happened, but hey.. that night I was determined we needed to talk and talk seriously at that about everything as I wasn’t happy and could not continue like this.Long story short he promised me and my parents that he would change and apologised for his behaviour and the way he had been treating me and told me it wasn’t my fault at all. So we managed to have a good christmas.


Although that said I did panick at his on christmas evening when we sat round his mums with his family and were opening presents as I had opened all of mine then the last one he told me he had hidden and that I had to go and find it and at that moment everyone who wasn’t in the room came back in and were watching and grinning and a few of them even got their phones out and started filming , so I was sitting thinking oh god what’s he done, what’s he got me, why is everyone watching ,whereas they hadn’t been before and more to the point why had everyone gone quiet and started filming me… all I could think was that it could be one thing…. and one thing only…….


A RING….. he had bought me a ring, I knew from the box and all I kept thinking was oh my goodness he’s going to get down on one knee in a minute and propose and was panicking thinking please don’t let it be , but if it is what on earth do I do?! Thankfully he didn’t propose , however it was still a ring , a silver ring but not an engagement one thank goodness!.



In the new year things all kicked off again he was still being very mean to me in the way that he was speaking to me and about me to his friends from a couple of messages that I had read and generally was still being very abusive and aggressive and hadn’t stuck to anything he had promised over christmas such as going for a walk when angry or upset, as opposed to lashing out at me about it.


I think it must’ve been in January or more likely February that me, him , his mum and his mums partner were all due to go to Paradise Wildlife park on the Sunday before I came home… well that weekend it kicked off royally and to a whole new level that I wasn’t expecting.


The night before the two of us had gone up to his local pub for a couple of drinks and just really to get out and have a bit of time together which was quite nice , the evening together in the pub had gone alright in fairness and I made an effort seeing as we were going out, even though it was only a pub and I put on tights, my heeled black boots and some form of pinafore dress, my usual winter staple outfit… Anyway for whatever reason we begun arguing on the way home and I was adamant that this was it I was going home it was over , I wasn’t going keep going over the same things and round in the same circles, anyway as I say we were arguing and he was becoming more and more aggressive, so I walked off ahead thinking whatever I’m done , I’m not holding your hand and I have no more to say that is not going to add more fuel to the already burning fire.



As I’ve done this an ignored him , he’s at somepoint caught up with me and still shouting, swearing at me and shouting abuse at me… And Then it happened….. For the first time ever he had laid a hand on me …. .Hard. With a lot of force..I went flying.. Onto the cold pavement… He had pushed me intentionally.. I lay there motionless  on the cold pavement. stunned, shocked , cold .Did he truly just do this to me? I lay there to see what his reaction would be .Whether he too would be shocked at me laying flat out on the pavement and rush to my rescue with his apologies…



He stood there just looking down at me , laying on the cold pavement, not once moving or attempting to pick me up and make sure I was ok. I lay there waiting, willing him to do something , quite frankly at this point anything.


He stood over me for a couple minutes just watching me lay motionless on the pavement before stepping over me (he was stood behind me ) and carrying on walking up the path.I thought to myself right it’s ok stay here don’t move an inch , wait until he’s walked off out of sight then get up, walking back to his and get straight in your car and drive home. Worried he would hurt me further. I lay there watching him walk off not once looking back to ensure I was alright. he got to the end of the road and then I went to get up, before I noticed him stop and look back at me laying there, at first he turned back and looked as though he was going to carry on walking, then he turned back again and just stared at me. He then came marching back up the road towards me.


I lay frozen to the spot not daring to move an inch , not one muscle…. He came marching straight back over to me and lifted me up off of the pavement with such force.. Not even trying to be careful or gentle. He asked if I was hurt I told him I was fine… I was far from fine , I was hurting a lot.. He noticed my tights had ripped completely on my right leg and knee ,this worried me but I was like no come on don’t let him see that he’s hurt you .. you’ll be ok..


I limped/ hobbled back to his where the arguing continued .I told him I was not going inside he talked me into going in so that he could check me over and clean me up.It was only then when inside I realised how bad things were.. Yes my tights were ripped but I was bleeding, a lot . My right knee cap was swelling and brusing, I could barely move it let alone put any pressure on to it. Despite this arguments continued.I have never argued like we argued that night, it went on for ages and there seemed no end in sight. He was highly abusive , I got angry,I got mad with him something I hadn’t done before , not like this. I threw my box of chips that we had picked up on our way home across the room at him, I threw my hairbrush at him directly aiming for his head and caught him with it.Did I regret it no, not in the slightest, after what he had done I didn’t care, the worst he could do would be to continue hurting me, pushing me about, hit me but I knew his mum was upstairs and his neighbours or somebody would’ve heard those screams and cry for help if it so came to it.


It continued on , so  I told him how this was not fair with his mum and grandad being upstairs asleep and how there was no way I was being responsible for waking them up .. I told him I was going home then and there and never coming back.He told me good go then , it’s clear you don’t love me and never have done , just go then… I picked up all my stuff and headed towards the door.I loaded all of my stuff into my car and was certain this was it , this was the end . no more.


I got in my car and wanted to drive off home and never turn back,However my head was hurting, I had blurred vision ,I couldn’t see properly, I felt as though I was drunk.However I knew I wasn’t as I had only had two glasses of wine. So as much as I was desperate to get away and go for good then and there.I couldn’t it wouldn’t have been safe I could barely see the end of the road, let alone driving an hour home like that.So instead I sat there ringing my dad , desperate for him to answer the phone for someone to come to my rescue and get me away from this, right now. No answer I couldn’t get hold of him.I kept trying still no answer.


In the end I decided that this was it there was no way I was able to go home tonight due to how late it was, the fact I couldn’t see properly to drive and my head was pounding, dad wasn’t answering so I couldn’t get him to get me.So I locked myself in my car and decided I would sit here and see if my vision came back to normal, if it did I would attempt to drive home, even if I ended up pulling over in a garage or another turning and sleeping in the car there.


My vision wasn’t coming back so I decided to keep myself locked in the freezing cold car and decided I would sleep in the car overnight and as soon as I awoke the next morning I would drive straight home.


He came out banging and knocking on the car window, I pretended to be asleep , as I was already huddled up into a ball anyway and just put my head into my lap and closed my eyes pretending to be asleep , so that I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore tonight and in the hope that he would give up. He didn’t , he kept persisting and then we got into more arguments and he would try to sit in the car and talk to me and make out I had fallen over drunk and that I was drunk etc. He went inside and I moved into the back of my car and laid down to sleep , knowing I was as safe as I could be in the car.He carried on hasseling me, again he got into the car and we argued, eventually we in to his and he looked my knee over properly and cleaned and dressed it and helped me into bed.But I was still adamant in my mind no zoo in the morning , I was going home the second I woke up.


Of course this didn’t happen as he annoyingly woke up before me and had to wake me up, that never happened before so was a little strange. He ran me a bath and looked after me. We went down for breakfast and to take a look at my knee , which was when we realised how bad it was , and I later that morning discovered why I had such a headache, not only had he hurt my knee, where he had pushed me over with some force and was unable to put my hands out to stop myself I went head first onto the pavement and had a huge purply colour bruise on the right side of my head , which also explains the blurred vision..


I of course ended up going to the zoo with them but I felt so weak, so horrid I could barely walk I was in so much pain , my knee cap was covered in cream and bandaging but it was so swollen and painful and even now had thick pus coming out of it. the palms of my hands and arms were all grazed and scratched from the pavement, I had this huge egg on my head that was bruised, and yet he told me and his mum that I fell over drunk. I believed it by this point as I didn’t remember much at that point of what had gone on.However on the way to the zoo I did post a photo of my knee on facebook , which got a few shocked faces and comments.Again he commented saying I’d gotten drunk and fallen over doing both my knees.Both my knees were cut and bruised but my right knee was the worst of the two.


Over the next few weeks my right knee remained swollen and full of pus and very painful, the colours it went were spectacular blue, black , purple, green, yellow.


The abusiveness continued as did his temper and he was becoming more and more controlling and protective over me.


Eventually just shortly after Valentines day , one night my parents and sister had gone out to the cinema and I stayed home and I ended up feeling really low and not knowing what way to turn or where to go next with our relationship.I rung one of my friends who I’ve been best friends with since secondary school and talked through everything, literally everything that had happened and all my thoughts and feelings and she was like look your not admitting it to yourself but your really not happy in this relationship, things are not ok and told me she was worried about me and how I needed to get out of the relationship and fast. I agreed it was over and I decided I wasn’t going to ring or message him or answer any of his messages.


What had started this was at lunch time he had text me saying how he didn’t believe I wasn’t seeing someone else,around November he had accused me of liking one of his friends from martial arts in a romantic way when we helped his instructor and partner move house, apparently we were smiling at each other a lot and chatting a lot and he didn’t like this and had thought we were flirting and that his friend liked me more than a friend. We’d got past that and me being accused of liking any other random guy then he had started this again thinking I liked someone else from nunchucks class, as I had joined the class also, However of course I wasn’t seeing him but he didn’t like the fact I was talking to him , laughing and smiling with him.When actually there wasn’t anything going on we just got paired together a lot as we were both new to the class and he had other martial arts expirence ,whereas I didn’t so the instructor put us together to help us both learn at a slower pace etc, it never went any further than that.


Anyway that lunch time he had got the hump with me and questioned who my two new facebook friends were, I had no idea off the top of my head to be honest and he was like yeah they’re both male ,so I said oh you mean your uncle and …. from class, so he was like yeah why did they add you for.So I said they didn’t I added them.Of course this was totally the wrong thing to have said and he kicked off at me asking why I’d added the guy from class for when I knew he had a problem with him, well not him us apparently. So I explained how it looked really odd that I had all the other guys from class on facebook (it was a mostly male dominated class there was only 2 other females not including me, so 3 females in total) and he told me how he didn’t know if he was going to speak to me later or not.


So I left it and ignored the rest of his calls and messages that day , again not wanting to add more fuel to the fire and give him something else to complain or kick off about.I eventually did answer the phone and we ended up arguing and he was shouting and swearing down the phone at me and generally being rude to me. He then turned round to me and said right you either stay on this phone and we sort this , or you hang up and we’re over. Then turned round and said to me do you want to be with me or not.So for the first time i was brutally honest with him and said when he was being like this then no I didn’t want to be with him, when he was the person I first fell in love with back in the August that I could have a laugh and joke with, who was light hearted, funny, kind ,caring, I could take the mick out of and banter about with then yes. He repeated his question and I again stuck to my guns, and he turned round to me and said right then that’s it you’ve made your decision we’re over and this is all your fault, so I turned round and said Ok then and no this isn’t my fault but by all means put the blame on me though if that makes you feel better about it. He then said how I was a lier and it was all my fault and I would never meet anyone as good as him and then I hung up, and instantly blocked his number.


That was it we were over, I felt happy , like a weight had been lifted off of me and like I could be me again and smile and truly be happy. I text mum and told her ,I felt great .I genuinely did until my parents got home then I just broke down over the whole situation and more than likely the shock of it all .


The next day at work I still felt that I had made the right choice, however one the girls said something and that was it , it set me off in floods of tears , but honestly I still felt I had done the right thing as cruel as I also felt.


However unfortuantly this is not the end of that story , or this all mighty long blog post. I do apologise sorry, I just need to get this down and out there. So I guess what I’m saying is in some ways i’m sorry in others i’m not :).


As I say the next day I was at work and of course had been reccieving messages from his mum until I blocked her too, then she started messaging mum passing on messages from him etc, but hey whatever, I had barely slept all night .Still I went into work to take my mind off of things.I had nearly got the end of my shift … when my worst fears came true. All day I had been worrying what if he turns up at my work, not that he ever had when I wanted him to… But yes at 5.25 , 5 minutes before I was due to finish work .. there he was walking around waiting for me on the opposite side of the road.. I froze in pure panic and a member of staff noticed this and asked if I was ok and I simply said it’s him, he’s here and I couldn’t get any other words out..


She went and reported this to my manager who came in and spoke to me and asked if I wanted to see him, of course I didn’t so she shut all of the blinds to the classroom I was in and got all the children out into the garden with all the staff and told me I was under no circumstances to go outside and to stay put and quickly alerted my work collegues/ friends


My manager and the staff member that I had told he was here, both went out together and approached him and told him that I didn’t want to see him , He had turned up with a huge bouquet of roses and chocolates but it was too little too late, especially considering a week or so earlier he couldn’t even make the effort to come and see me on valentines day as he reckoned he couldn’t afford it.They told him that they couldn’t take the flowers in for me as I didn’t want them, this was true . He told them to tell me how sorry he was and said he would go home. Of course this wasn’t the case as a staff member came in a little bit later and told me that they had seen him walk down to the other end of the nursery and was waiting round that corner for me, so of course this was passed onto my manger and I Began fearing not only my safety, but my colleagues and the children too.


My manager then called security to see if they could do anything to get him to go , typically they had all finished for the day and gone home. Not helpful, so instead I sat in the office with my manager and rung dad as he was due to pick me up anyway, of course I couldn’t get hold of him, so I rung mum and filled her in and told her to ring dad as I didn’t feel safe enough to walk outside of work on my own or even with a colleague and wanted him to walk up to the door and get me, I had no idea whether he was still waiting for me or not.


Thankfully dad wasn’t much longer and came in and got me and got me home but then I didn’t feel safe what if he turned up at my house, what if he turned up at my brownies meetings and tried to talk to me or see me there.I was due to see a show at the public hall that night with the guides and had to get my dad to take me and pick me up as I just didn’t feel safe at all.


I then reccieved a message when I got home from his nunchuck instructors partner saying how he had turned up to see me and had an engagment ring with him and how he had gone and paid the remaining balance on the ring before coming to my work place….Great just what I needed and wanted, like a proposal would have made things any better?!


We had a whole month of not speaking to each other.During that time mum was getting constant messages from his mum saying how he wasn’t eating or drinking and how he wanted to/ was going to  take his own life (this didn’t shock me anymore as everytime we argued or attempted to split up he would tell me this)

Until then on our local newspapers facebook page and the crime watch pages it came up with a post saying a males body had been found in the river and how it was looking suspicious, it was a male, big build, black hair and about 30 years old. Mum then told me that his mum had messaged the night before saying how he had gone out the house and told his mum it was all over he was going to take his life and goodbye and hadn’t come home and family and friends hadn’t seen him, so we obviously then thought the worst case scenario , thinking great that body is his .I honestly felt so sick until the message came through that he was ok and was home.


We had  a complete month of no speaking or contact, the first week I was certain and adamant it was over there was no going back not after him being abusive and controlling and pushing me over , not after hearing how aggressive he got, or seeing how violent he could be such as smashing his nans place up after we had an argument and he was sitting there making comments about me , and I wasn’t having that so he smashed his nans bungalow up, he’d threatened plenty of times to break his dads arm or nose .. again, or that he would break his ribs,  I saw him go for his nan after we had an argument grabbing his nan by the throat and pinning her up against the wall she was 95 years old and telling her it was all her fault that we had argued, it wasn’t at all her fault.


how aggressive he got over money, yet he didn’t work himself and didn’t take kindly to being told no like a toddler, the second week I was unsure did I want to be with him , did I not .Did I give him that second chance as everyone deserves a second chance and just felt what if this could be the shock reality that shocks him back into the right path. Third week I was like no not happening and may have even explored Tindr seeing as I was single and to see whether I could find someone or not, then the fourth week I was unsure again.Anyway I met up with him where we had first met at starbucks for coffee and made it an early morning so that he had to get up early and make the effort.


We sat and discussed everything and I had a double side of A4 full of points I wanted to raise with him about how I wasn’t happy and things that needed to change and improve if there was ever a chance of anything ever happening between us, he agreed to all of them including getting a job, stop depending on me, his mum and nan for money all the time and to accept no for no, if he was that hard of money sell some stupid models and stop frittering his money away on anything and anything., that he needed help for his anger and anxiety if he could not control this himself then how he needed to see a councillor or therapist for help or even his GP .


I decided seeing as it seemed he was making an effort here to not make us official but to see how things went to see if he did make improvements no commitments to each other just get up and prove why I should give him that second chance.No sleepovers, not seeing each other every weekend, have space for us as I had stopped doing all the things I loved and enjoyed and my life was him , literally.


We went back to the just met/dating phase and this went on for 4 weeks…


The first week was just awkward neither of us knew what to say to the other and it was just hard going , and he slipped up and caused some arguments as he asked when I would want to get engaged and he told me how he planned to be engaged at the very latest the end of this year if not before hand ,and then married the year after and then children ASAP.  which was wayyy to soon for me considering everything and it was now March and considering all the issues why would I want to be engaged to him that quickly, it was just insane, so that caused issues. That first weekend we went for dinner and drinks over at freeport on the Saturday and then he ended up staying over. However he had my bed and I slept in mum and dads



The following weekend, which may make a little more sense as to why he stayed over mine the previous weekend was because he had booked us tickets to see Disney On Ice so I had to stay over on the friday due to the early start on the saturday morning, but of course he then pushed this and I ended up staying the two nights but the deal was I would go home first thing Sunday.. the coach down to disney on ice on the saturday was alright I sat listening to my ipod the whole way and he sat doing his own thing on his phone or looking through his book.However we ended up arguing when we got off the coach though due to the queues for all of the resturants and him being adamant we would eat when we got home tonight, however I couldn’t wait all day to eat as the coach left at 9am and we got into London around Lunchtime and we wouldn’t be getting back to Southend until around 8/9pm this would be far too late for me to eat, especially after getting off the coach and then having around a 20 min journey home by bus once it had turned up etc.


That Sunday was awful I was so hurt and upset I wanted to go home after Breakfast but this didn’t happen I ended up being pressured by him and his mum to stay for dinner , which I ended up doing , However I did get annoyed with him as after breakfast we had been sitting there talking to his mum , and we were both looking through each others phones at photos when I realised he was taking a little too long with my phone especially after he showed me a photo that I had taken that he liked and I knew it was second from the end of photos left in my camera roll.  It turns out I was right to suspect something and quickly got my phone back and then he asked to look again and I was a bit defensive like why you need to see them again you’ve just looked.Then decided to go up for a bath and that was when I found out he had been going through my messages that I had sent to mum … I was not impressed so yet again I had changed my phone log in password and was now hiding my phone from him.I did end up confronting him about it  but he didn’t really have much to say on the matter  and said I would do the same, totally not true and I said to him why would I be suspicious of messages you were sending your mum?! he couldn’t answer that..


The following weekend was his turn to come to me.I went into town to get my nails done and had a phone call from him…I knew exactly what he was about to say and I wish I could have betted money on it with someone… The whole I don’t know if I can come see you today I’ve got no money act.. So I was like oh ok then let me know for definate if your coming or not, if not I guess I’ll just see you next week then. As I was determined I was not going to his to see him this weekend , we had clearly agreed and sorted it out that we would alternate who was at whose what weekend, as opposed to me being at his every weekend.I had my nails done and ignored my phone constantly going off , until I came out and got a frosty reception from him on the phone.. I reminded him I couldn’t answer as I had been getting my nails done and he did the whole I’m going to go sell my playstation I can’t get any money to come see you, so I was like oh ok then , calling his bluff .I mean it wouldn’t exactly be the end of the  world if he had sold one of his consoles he had enough of them anyway.


He then said how he could meet me in chelmsford and how we could go for dinner there instead and we ended up going around the shops for a bit and then went to see Peter Rabbit at the cinema  before going to Turtle bay for dinner and drinks ,he started an argument as soon as we got into chelsmford stropping about moaning because I wouldn’t say that I loved him and he couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t say it back when I would say it before , so explained how he needed to make massive improvements first before I could or would allow myself to say that , so he got the hump about it and threatened to just go home then and there. We went round the shops and then to see Peter Rabbit by the time the film had finished he apologised for the way he spoke and said it was just because he was hungry, we went to get dinner and he seemed to be back to his usual self, like the person I first knew and fell in love with , which was great this is what I wanted to see.


The Sunday we went to a local farm near me that I had never been too and held newly born chicks, bottle fed newly born lambs, went on a tractor ride, stroked pigs, was going to milk cows but missed the time slot for that and he just seemed to want an argument from the word go , keep constantly wanting me to cuddle him and kiss him even when I was driving which obviously was not appropriate, even when we pulled up he wanted me to stand in the cold car park cuddling him and kissing him , like what why? Even walking around he would want me to keep stopping every couple of minutes to cuddle him or kiss him and didn’t like it when I said no we’re getting in peoples way we can’t just stop in the middle of a walk through or whatever, and caused issues about that and again over the whole I love you thing and not liking that I wouldn’t say it back to him. As well as this over the last few weeks I felt under pressure from him to put a time on when I would say I loved him , when we would get back together etc.


We got back to mine and mum said it was like an old married couple him at one end of the sofa and me at the other, but it was just driving me insane him wanting to be really over the top clingy and wanting constant cuddles and reassurance ,I mean he was 30 not 3.


That fourth weekend hmm well what can I say about that one… as planned I went over to his and spent the weekend at his. I think we had gone for drinks on the friday after I got to his after work and then the Saturday we had gone into Southend and gone round the shops and just mooched around a bit and had a walk along the pier and seafront… It was a hard weekend, we argued again just like we had before we’d split.I remember walking along the pier with him and him being really off with me and just feeling a bit all over the place like what was I doing , was this going to work out.. I even stood by the railings looking at the sea below and contemplating how easy it would have been to have climbed those rails and jumped.. I did contemplate it thinking just how simple it would be and how then if I were to do that how things would more than likely be over between us if I found the right spot to do it and jumped then I may not have survived the fall , been washed out to sea anything like that and I would be free of him and all of this that was going on.


Of course I didn’t climb up on the railings or jump, otherwise well I wouldn’t exactly be sitting here now I suppose would I. it was the most awkward and uncomfortable walk I’ve ever done , it just wasn’t going anywhere.I mean I love walks they give you time to think and reflect and that was exactly what I was doing , and nothing positive was really coming to mind. We argued, he got the hump with me and refused to speak to me most of the walk along the pier bearing in mind the pier is  1.3 miles there and  then obviously the same back too. It was an interesting walk that’s for sure. We got to the end of the pier and we got a drink, drink seeing as the weather was nice and sat there with our drinks for a bit before walking back. We then went for an early dinner/ late lunch .


The meal was nice, a few hiccups as he would have called them but not too bad on the whole in all fairness. It was still early afternoon so we walked around for a bit and then decided to get the bus back to his, whilst walking he asked me about when we would share a bed again, as we had been sleeping seperate for the past four weeks, for example the weekends he was at mine he would have my bed and I would sleep in my mum and dads room , or on the sofa, then at his I would sleep in his bed and he would sleep on the sofa bed downstairs . I said I didn’t know and every week this was something he put pressure on me for us to share a bed, he reckoned nothing would happen , but honestly I didn’t believe that not after how it all first started anyway. Hence part of my reason for wanting to sleep apart.


Anyway he then went onto asking me how would I feel when we got intimate again, so I Said how I didn’t really know as I hadn’t really thought about it and how it was a way off yet ,which he didn’t like he was like why do you keep saying its a way off I don’t get it, it never used to be a problem us sharing a bed and stuff, but as I reminded him yet again a lot had happened since then and I needed to see drastic changes in order for anything to work out. He then asked if I would be nervous or scared about getting intimate again , so I said I didn’t know but then on thinking I said I possibly would and he didn’t like that and was like but why we’ve been intimate before why would you be worried or scared about it.So I said I didn’t know and obviously wouldn’t until that time came but how it was a long way off in my eyes.


He did NOT like this nor did he take kindly to this and for the first time ever began shouting and screaming at me in public, he had never done this before, even when we had argued in Chelmsford the week before he was more s=whispering it , saying things under his breathe or talking not full on shouting or screaming at me, he only ever before now had done this in private behind closed doors ,whether this was in my car, at his mums, at his nans or out on the street late at night but never in public where there were people walking past us.


He shouted at me about how he had rights and how he had wants and desires and couldn’t wait forever and he had the right to having sex with me etc and how whether I liked it or not he was a male with needs and desires and if he had to he would just go and do it with someone else if  he wasn’t going to get it from me , so I was like well fine then .i know your a male but so what it’s got to be two way to work out.


He then apologised and told me he was just annoyed at what he had done and caused and how he didn’t mean it..I wasn’t convinced and now more than ever had my guard up and just had that sense telling me not to trust him on this one.


He then begun accusing me of seeing someone else again and asking why I had added a male to facebook, he was a friend of mine from when I was in college that I got on well with but nothing romantic and said how we had just lost contact etc, again he didn’t like that and was certain I was seeing him and that there was more between us, again liek every other time he had accused me there wasn’t anything else going on.


We argued a lot and I made excuses to go to bed early that night saying that I was tired etc , I wasn’t I just wanted to get away from him for a bit in honesty and to call the day a night . So I sat on my phone in the darkness texting etc until I eventually fell asleep. I had planned to wake up early the next morning and get straight up and in the bath , get washed and dressed etc so was no chance of anything after his comments earlier in the day, although I knew what he was like and knew if he wanted it he’d find a way..


My plan did not work ,I was awake early enough ,However I was only wearing thin short pyjamas and didn’t feel I could get up and walk across the landing to the bathroom in them as I could hear talking in the bedroom next door (his grandads) and his grandads carer was about so instead I sat in bed waiting for it all to go quiet before getting up and running myself a bath an getting ready…. It went quiet I prepared to get up.. nope didn’t happen He came knocking on the door and came in…. fully up , washed and dressed.. like what ?!!! around 8.30am and he’s up what?? this never happens… He came in an asked if I was alright (was still very much in bed under the thick covers) and asked if I wanted a tea so said how I was going get up and have a bath … He made me a cup of tea and he asked if he could sit on the bed with me, I mean yes of course that wasn’t a problem it was his bed after all.. He sat at the end of the bed and we got chatting , like proper conversation talking … no arguing just proper genunine conversation and honestly I felt allalulah we was finally getting somewhere , he seemed to finally have gotten what I had been saying for ages now..


We were sitting talking , like proper talking, laughing , joking being light hearted we hadn’t done this in months and months and it felt absolutely amazing, I felt I was getting somewhere and getting my man back and honestly thought finally things are getting back on track and he’s being that person I fell in love with and could see myself being with…


Conversation was flowing, I was feeling the most relaxed and happiest I had with him in months and months now.. He asked to sit next to me rather than the end of the bed so I was like well yeah I don’t see a problem with that we’re only sitting on the bed talking  and he’s being nice and things are going well , yeah no issues . Again no problem we sat there carried on talking , then he went and made me a new cup of tea and some toast in bed , which was lovely.  Again no issues just carried on talking and having the most amazing heart to heart that we’d had in months, then he asked if he could lay down next to me, I thought this was a little odd , why was he asking to lay down next to me?!


But hey OK I guess… That was where it all went wrong.. I don’t even know in honesty how this is going to come out, even now sitting here typing and knowing what I know happened next even though this was back in March /Early April I cannot find the words to say or describe what came next , and I can feel myself reliving that moment all over again like its only just happened, I can feel myself getting panicked and upset, so I’m sorry I don’t know how this is going to come out and I don’t think I’m intending it to come out in any particular way I just need to get this out there, however it comes out..





Ok sooo.. What happened next was he asked to cuddle me so he was now laying down beside me cuddling me , Ok I supposed I mean it was just a cuddle right?! The next thing I knew he was moving into a new position and I could just feel his hand stroking my leg and his eyes looking me right in the eye and looking at me in a way I hadn’t felt him look at me for a long time. I felt I was ok with him just stroking my ankle and lower leg it was odd but it was Ok… Then he moved onto stroking up my upper leg and rubbing it and just laying there looking at me longlingly stroking my leg… I just thought to myself please god no , let this just be it don’t let him spoil what’s been a lovely morning , I just remembered instantly the statement he had made yesterday about “I Have rights”   He asked if I was ok , as I was now beginning to get a little tense , and just kept thinking and praying don’t let this go any further .We had only discussed this yesterday and so he knew how I felt about anything else…

The next thing I knew I felt his hand wander… further up my leg, up my shorts just by the end of them and begin stroking around higher up now, what was he doing?! what was he playing at?!


He began going further up my shorts, I was not comfortable with this and asked what he was doing and he was like it’s fine it’s ok just relax, just go with it and I was like yeah but don’t forget what I said yesterday and he was like no it’s cool just go with it , we’re going to don’t worry etc..


His hand went further to the point I could feel it as high as I was expecting and hoping it not to go… He was rubbing around and stroking and I was like I can’t do this . This not feeling right or comfy ..He ignored this.. he carried on ..He tried to put his finger inside and I was like NOOO  this isn’t happening your not doing this.. .I pulled away I told him no he backed off and was like it’s ok it’s fine don’t worry just relax your fine ,I’m not going to do anything etc, you know you can trust me, you know I respect you… Again he tried and I was like nooo , no your not doing this , this isn’t Ok .I had used the word NO . I was not consenting to anything here, not at all , nothing I didn’t want this… I froze .. What was he doing to me, why?! he told me I could trust him , how could I? How could I ever believe a word he had ever said or would ever say to me again ….


I pulled away ,. I  asked him to stop, I said No yet he didn’t appear to be listening.. .NO means NO….. I froze …I screamed and broke down in  tears, this made him move..I couldn’t believe him and what he had just attempted to do, I stood up quick and began throwing things into my bag, I then told him I was going, I said I’m having a bath and I’m leaving I cannot and will not do this anymore…. I ran to the bathroom as he tried to grab me and pull me back , I fought his hand off and locked myself in the bathroom and ran myself a bath and broke down… I couldn’t move I was numb, I felt dirty, I felt lied to , cheated… I  got in the bath frantic to clean myself , to rid him of me , no he didn’t go all the way but this was not the point.


He sat outside the door screaming and shouting and hurling abuse at me one minute , then the next sitting there all nicey nicey talking to me sweetly and softly.. I was not falling for this anymore not a chance, I rung mum barely able to speak in pieces .I had my bath and still I couldn’t leave the bathroom as he was sat right outside the door , playing Mr Innocent didn’t know what he had done wrong…Everything from our whole relationship came flooding into my head and I begun reliving each and every single thing over and over again.How had I been so stupid, how could I not see the signs, why had I defended him when friends and work raised concerns over him, how many times had he gotten angry and had near misses of his fists, how many times had he threatened things to me or his family, why had I kept on going back to him, How many times before had he forced himself on me and I just went along with it to save arguments , consenting but not wanting to… what on earth had I done…Who was this man I had been with….


Eventually he went and told me he was going to go throw himself under a bus at first I told him not to be so stupid , but then he kept saying it so I was like you know what if your going to go and get on with it them.. which obviously he didn’t take to too kindly, but I was like why keep saying these things they have no meaning behind them it’s ridiculous there are people that actually are suicidal and do go through that , it’s not a joke or something to just say because your upset or annoyed… He went storming out and his mum came storming up the stairs… She had heard the whole thing …… and could hear me shaking and sobbing ..She asked me what was going on and could she come in.i told her no .i felt so rude telling her no as this was her house after all..I told her I had only just got out the bath and had no clothes on I couldn’t come out or let her in… She told me her dressing gown was behind the door to put that on and to let her in…


I hesitated , she reassured me that he wasn’t there and that it was Ok to open the door, so I did she asked me what had happened I couldn’t bring myself to fully tell her what had happned as that thing was her Son, whether I liked that or not. and I was in their house. I told her how he had tried to have sex with me and how I wasn’t ready and I couldn’t and she sided with him and told me that by now I should be having sex with him, how it wasn’t normal that I wasn’t  and how I was being far to hard on him and how he was trying to make changes and everything he’s doing is for me but I’m making it impossible for him…


I honestly could not believe she was telling me that I should 4 weeks in after a nasty break up should be having sex with her son ..She told me I had to talk to him and be honest about what I wanted whether I wanted to be with him or not ,I honestly didn’t know I hadn’t had a choice really on anything in months probably since the September ,Don’t get wrong he’d ask me what I wanted but if it wasn’t what he wanted it was the wrong answer and he’d go off in a violent rage.


I stayed and waited for him to return, but made it very clear that I would only speak to him when he was calm.. we spoke but still I wasn’t feeling amazing or anything worth saving here .Then I was told to stay for dinner by him and his mum I refused and said no  mum was doing me a roast for when I got in , and was told no it’s on the table your eating it.. I had dinner then was like ok cool now I’m going as his mum had purposely parked her car behind mine so I was unable to get off the drive way ,I was told hold on I need to wash up first, she washed and cleared up then was like ok I’m going to go now can you move your car please and got hold on I’m just doing this bit in my colouring book first.. Then the next excuse was go for a walk with him , go and talk to him …


It was the most awkward walk ,I didn’t want to go , I didn’t feel he wanted to but knew he had put his mum up to it.. we walked to a beautiful nature reserve that I had never been too and it was a beautiful location.. we walked the whole way in silence, we sat down somewhere looking over a pond .. still neither one of us spoke. I knew in my heart it was over and that there was no going back from this, this was the end. He eventually spoke saying I take it we’re over then so not wanting anymore arguments or abuse etc I said I don’t know I’ve not said it is or it isn’t over . and he showed me messages from his friend and was like look it’s only ever been you I’ve felt this way for I can’t help it I can’t keep my hands off of you , I genuinely want to marry you, I want children with you ,I want everything with you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you …. most strangest way of showing it , if all these months this was him showing me that he loved me I dread to think how he treated his list of exes ?!


I read the text from his friend but it sounded as though his friend was siding with me over him saying how I was the only one who had tried so hard with him to make things work and even when they didn’t gave him the chances and opportunity to but nothing in my eyes was really changing.


We sat and talked and shouted a bit before walking back to his.. his mum sat me down and asked me what I had decided so I said that I hadn’t made any decisions yet and she told me I had problems and I needed serious help… erm ok thanks love , no worries about your son though?!


I went home as soon as I could and never turned back or looked back at what I was walking/ driving away from I just knew then are there this was and would be the final time I made that drive home and that I would not be coming back after that.

I got home and broke down I then realised what a controlling, abusive relationship I had been in and how the person I thought I knew and fell in love with indeed wasn’t that person instead he was phychotic, abusive, threatening, manipulating, aggressive, intimidating, cruel, hurtful , violent person who got his wicked way with me and never should have , who pushed me around , who mentally and verbally abused me,  who never really cared for or loved me , I was just another thing , another name on his list. He controlled me stopped me seeing my friends and doing things I loved activities I wanted to do. Caused issues for me at work by turning up at my work place to the point we had an order out that he wasn’t allowed anywhere near the nursery or college, to the point I was so scared of him I changed jobs not thinking with my heart just my head  all because of him..


I sat cleared my head thought about what I both needed and wanted, I spoke to mum and dad about some of what had gone on and happened and on the 23rd April 2018 I made the decision and  sent him a message after work and I still have that message and it read


Heyy, I’ve had a good long think about everything and have had a proper chance to sit down and clear my head and work out what i both need and want and the out come of things. As much as I have tried to make things work between us .I have to be brutally honest and say I just don’t have the same feelings for you anymore like I did before and I think this weekend really hit home for me just how much those feelings towards you are not there for me anymore .I’m really sorry I have tried for things to work and had hoped that week by week that those feelings and the spark for you would come back and start to grow, but honestly they just haven’t and your right it has been long enough for those feelings to have come back and to know my heart , so i’m really sorry but I can’t carry on like this anymore and am going to have to call this an end between us as I can’t carry on as things are as I will only be leading you on to believing that there is or could be something there between us and I just feel it would be too cruel on both parts to carry on , i’m sorry but this is it this is the end for us”


It was a rough few months from the end of April onwards.. I instantly this time blocked all of his friends and family as did mum, I blocked their numbers so that no one could contact me and to ensure that my decision was final and was my choice and my decision. I had enough it was making me ill being with him the constant worry, stress, anxiety of what was going to happen next, what would set him off this time, the constant water infections, IBS that I hadn’t had since I left school had come back  as he liked to have it all weekend friday- Sunday and multiple times did I consent yes, did I always want to No I felt pressured into it and knew it was I either do what he wants or deal with the anger and aggression of him. He was destroying me and as much as I truly loved him, I just had to let him go as I had to love myself more and do what was best for me.


I mean if I had stayed with him who knows what would have happened or where I would be now.. well most likely engaged to him ,married and or had children and been trapped with him unable to ever get away. I do feel lucky for getting away when I did However it wasn’t the end of things.


From the end of April when I split with him officially and knew there was no going back I had his mum turn up on my doorstep demanding his things back I’m sure he was in the car as she parked quite a way up the road and at that point despite him saying if I ever split he could never move on from me and it would take ages I’m certain he was in the car with his next girlfriend/victim as I was later informed that he’d moved on an was in a new relationship in only May but anyway I had already thrown out, given to charity or sold his things , I’ve had abusive and threatening letters from his mum (3 of) although I only ever reccieved 2 .I never replied to these. His mum turned up here a second time supposedly dropping my stuff off (a blanket and a mug) I threw those straight out.. In the end after that second Letter dad sent her a message telling her to back off and to stop contacting me as I had moved on with my life and told her if she continued we would be getting the police involved…. So  yeah it’s not been the best year or time for me in all honesty…


But as horrid a time as it was .I am Ok I have gotten back up on my feet I’m now with Grant and a lot happier than I’ve ever been ,,I’m now back to enjoying my life and doing the things I want to do and more importantly I’m free. I got away, this is part of why I wanted to share this chapter with you is because Domestic Abuse doesn’t always go reported and a lot of people are to embarrassed and ashamed to speak out about the abuse that they have suffered and feel they should have known better.NO This is not the case report it.Domestic abuse is not your fault nor will it ever be your fault , the fault lies in your abuser  not you no matter what they say do not ever EVER let anyone put that blame on you .Honestly I felt so ashamed , embarrassed, dirty, naive, stupid ,silly, like it was all my fault when actually no it wasn’t my fault it was his fault..


I should have been able to have trusted him.. Is it hard moving on absolutely it can be but for me no it wasn’t hard moving on from him because I wanted better for myself and I just felt if I stayed with someone like that who knows what would have happened to me . Honestly I don’t know if I would be here now  so in that sense no it wasn’t hard to move on and meet someone new because I deserved better and I just felt if I was allowing him to treat me in this way , why should anyone else ever treat me any better. Whether you feel you deserve it or not you do deserve so much better.


He always told me I would never meet anyone else and that if I did they’d only abuse me and hurt me and rape me, did I believe that of course for a while I believed that then I realised no this wasn’t true not everyone would do that to me because I would not allow it I wouldn’t stand for it and would kick them to the kurb too.


There are elements that are hard being in a new relationship but honestly I feel for me Grant came along at the right time I didn’t go looking for him , he found me and I feel at the right time too and I honestly feel Grant, along with my family and my old work have been my support network throughout it all whether they know that or not and have helped get me through this and Honestly I’m soo grateful I survived. I know not everyone in these situations do , hence why I feel there needs to be a lot more awareness for domestic abuse and to kick that stigma attached to it , that it’s not ok to speak out about.No whats not ok is someone treating you that way and feeling you can’t speak out why shouldn’t you.It’s got nothing to do with what your wearing , who you are, how you dress they want to do it they’ll find a way and as much as I believed I could change him and oh my did I desperately try to change him I couldn’t and no one ever will the only person that can is him , he;s the one that needs to seek the help to change.


I know he was only with his new girlfriend after me a couple weeks, wasn’t even a month before they split , they got back together and have already split up for good, that’s not her fault or mine I assume he’s done the same thing to her as he did to me. Yes she was more sensible than me and noticed earlier and got out quicker than me , yes I wish I had seen the signs and got out sooner but in the long run none of that matters, what matters is that I got away.


As the little mix song shout out to my ex goes… well this defintely was a shout to him and as the lyrics in the song say I guess I should be thanking him to some extent for the hate yous that he used to say and   shout out indeed to my ex your really quite the man , you broke my heart .. however you made me who I AM .What I mean by this is yes he honestly did break my heart by not turning out to be the person I fell in love with and for the way he treated me , he destroyed me I honestly thought he was the one.However  I am totally over him and he has to some extent as much as I don’t want to say anything nice about him I suppose he has made me who I am. As now know my self worth, I stand up for myself more than ever and will not allow anyone to push me around like he did and I have my boundaries and make them known of what is and isn’t ok .I feel I’m a whole lot stronger for being the one to end the relationship both times really and for getting out of it and for standing up for what I believe to be wrong and taking a stand against that.


Also as the song shout out to my ex says look at me now I’m all the way up and I swear you’ll never bring me down … soooo true I feel I am worth so much more than him I am so much stronger and more confident and independant in myself since him and I am doing great without him.i have met Grant I have moved on, he’s the polar opposite of the jerk my ex was like literally you wouldn’t even put the two of them in the same sentence they’re complete polar oppsoites of one another, you can’t even compare. My ex had destroyed me and everything I stood for however I’ve repaired those I’m building myself and my life back up and making it MY OWN. and he nor anyone is ever going to take that away from me or bring me down.,


I do not class my ex as a man , no man does this to a women… I’m not saying it has to just be the men doing the abusing because of course men can be the victims too, but honestly a man that belittles you, pushes you about, doesn’t listen to you, controls you, abuses you is no man at all….



If you want to ask me any questions or anything I’ll try to answer them but Honestly this has been one of the hardest things I’ve lived through this tops surgeries, hospital stays, my sisters mental health battle and has been one of the hardest things for me to open up and share I have not told or written this anywhere else.I honestly hope that this does help someone else , even if that just means opening someones mind to the things that can be going on in your friends and loved ones lives that you may not have known about or be aware of.I mean a lot of people were shocked when I split from my ex and I got a lot of “what but you both looked so happy” , ” you were the perfect couple” “you looked beautful together” A photo , a status does not mean everything is ok and I guess this is something I want to raise awareness of too.This has been a huge challenge to write and to even read back , knowing this is my life , this is my own expirences .Yes I have moved on however this is always going to be so raw a subject and something that will hurt to know I allowed myself to go through.I hope now you all understand my reasons for this blog taking so long to write and also to publish and post… I’ve done soo many edits, redrafts, deleted it , re written it, I Just had to get the words out and tell this story but in the right way…

The scary fact is there was 1.4 million people who expirenced domestic abuse last year alone in the UK.

In the UK 1 in every 4 women expirence domestic abuse every year.


but only 1 in 6  in the  have or do  survive  either an attempted or complete  sexual assault.


In the UK alone  police get a phone call about Domestic Abuse every 30 seconds.


The hardest things to hear are , well you should’ve got out sooner, you have no idea how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship unless you’ve been there.I never realised it would be so hard, you hear these things and  it shocks you , yet you never expect it to happen to you.. It’s the hardest thing to get out off, never let anyone tell you it’s easy.And oh but you looked so perfect together I thought you were going to last etc.. this is hard, you can fake a smile for a camera but really that doesn’t mean everything.


This doesn’t mean we didn’t have happy times where the smiles and laughter was genuine but on the whole it was not genuine. I am still haunted by his actions and words and I doubt that will ever leave me However I know what I would rather..



It doesn’t make you any less of a person for falling victim to domestic abuse male or female you have the right to be treated with respect and treated fairly, your no less of a woman for expirencing it nor are you any less of a man for becoming a victim.













I love you guys






Intoductory BSL Course 02/06/18

Published June 3, 2018 by goshgurl95

So for a while now I have been wanting to learn BSL (British Sign Language) for a number of reasons really firstly because I honestly think the language is so beautiful,

secondly as a skill and tool for myself to use what with my hearing loss, as I do still struggle a lot especially if I go out to restaurants that are really busy and or noisy either with people talking or  loud music or a combination of both, and also for things like nights out where the music is sooo loud ( I know I sound like a granny) to the point you can’t hear, i mean let alone with hearing loss.

Thirdly because I work in the childcare sector I think it’s a really handy skill to have for that, as I have worked with two girls with hearing issues who were due to get hearing aids, a little boy non verbal boy whose mum taught him sign language as he got on better with that compared to makaton, and I have a little boy at the moment at my new nursery that I work with that is non verbal who may also have hearing problems and a second boy who is also undergoing hearing testing and I just think you just never know when a child may come in using BSL or needing to learn it, although it is more common to use makaton with children (something else I would love to learn and be fluent in)  and yeah also looks good on my CV especially with childcare work .


Fourthly because it is an official registered language and I just think it is such an amazingly beautiful language (I know this was reason 1 but let me explain lol) and I would just love to be able to communicate with everyone really ,as it really upsets me that a lot of deaf people who rely on BSL actually live their lives in silence if they go into town for a bit of shopping that they won’t speak to anyone as they know nobody will talk to them or be able to communicate with them and this upsets me , everyone should have someone that talks and communicates with them when they’re out even if it only a shop assistant asking if you’d like a bag or asking you if there’s anything that they can get you or whatever.I mean I’m a talkative and chatty person so for me that would be my idea of hell not having anyone to communicate with.



fifth reason I  would love to be able to teach my friends, family, boyfriend, brownies, guides, and rangers sign , even if it is only the basics just so that they can communicate with others and be able to have basic conversations with other people and to be able to understand the value of the skill too. Another reason is I am now working on my Queens Guide Award within guiding and part of that is I have to learn a new skill for a minimum of 60 hours over the course of a year and what a better thing to set myself as a challenge to learn to do and to become fluent in.


I have found finding somewhere to do an actual face to face course extremely hard to do as the ones near me run primarily by the ACL (Adult Community Learning) are all 9-11am in the morning during the week which just isn’t possible or doable for me working full-time 40hrs+ a week , and with it being childcare too so there is no way possible I would be able to do that. Online courses I find are expensive and you don’t always know what you’re paying out for, like whether they’re official courses and qualifications, whether it’s teaching you the thing etc and I just personally would rather face to face. This has been something I’ve been looking into for a while now and haven’t been very successful in finding due to them being weekday mornings and also not a lot of them about anywhere near me, so I have been hitting a blank.


I was walking home from work Friday 1st June for lunch when I spotted a post on facebook from one of the BSL charities that I have been following. Saying how they were holding a free 3-hour introduction to BSL course from 10-1pm on Saturday 2nd June in Southend, and how it had been fully booked up but due to people dropping out they now had spaces available if anyone was interested. I hadn’t seen the original post so had no idea it was even on until I saw this, of course I immediately said could I please have a place and within minutes they messaged me privately telling me the address of the venue and asking whether I would  definitely be attending, of course, no doubt about it , this was the first chance I’d had of even finding anywhere remotely close to me to BSL (about an hours drive from me)


So yesterday morning I woke up early and got ready to leave mine at around 8.20am as I needed to get petrol on my way and didn’t know if the roads would be busy as it was due to be another hot weekend, so didn’t know if a lot of people with it being a Saturday would be heading that way to the beach for the day , and I also wanted to leave a little earlier than needed to make sure I had time to find somewhere to get parked before walking over. Luck I did as I didn’t get to the car park and parked until 9.45am, there were still plenty of spaces but it was starting to get busy, and I had 15 minutes to then get across to the venue.


I found the venue easily enough as I was very familiar with the area and knew the shop next door, I met a lovely lady on the doorstep to the venue and we got talking as we were both struggling to get in, as the door was locked but a note on the door said to press the buzzer  and that the door would then open, which it didn’t , so we waited until Kayla the lady who had organised the course came down and let us in and explained how she didn’t think the buzzer was working .


We headed upstairs and took our seats waiting for everyone else to turn up. First Carol Cook and Paula Parker, who would be teaching and running the course gave us a bit of information on BSL covering common questions such as can it be used worldwide, what does BSL stand for etc.

We then started off by learning the alphabet starting with the vowels (A,E,I,O,U) before adding in all of the other letters which wasn’t too bad I already knew some of them from when I had tried to teach the Brownies the alphabet from their brownie books and how to do their names  and  had done it a few times before so that wasn’t too bad, although I didn’t know A, E,I,O,U  were all on the same hand and the 5 fingers in order pointed at by index finger of your dominant hand and were a few other letters I wasn’t familiar with such as G, Y, Z and I knew F but wasn’t sure which way round it went, so was really interesting to do that , so we did this quite a few times so that it sunk in and we understood it.


We then split into 2 groups of 7 and were given a sheet with the alphabet letters in sign for our dominant hand and had to practise our first names in finger spelling which I think I was alright with as I had attempted it before with the Brownies and also again at work as in my previous nursery setting we had the BSL alphabet on the wall , and we then had to sign our first name to the rest of our group whilst also doing  the lip pattern to our names and the others had to try to work out what our names were, Once we had done this we then had to do the same again but with our surnames.


Once we had done this we then stayed in our groups and had a competition between us to sign female names for each letter of the alphabet, the first person started with a name starting with the letter A and signed it to the person next to them and they then had to work out the name and sign it back to them before they could sign the next letter to the next person and so on and it was the first group to do it that won, so basically a race between the two groups, our group won this 🙂 .

After this, we had a tea break with tea, coffee, water, biscuits, cakes, and chocolate before we continued.


After our tea break, we then went onto learning greetings, keywords, and phrases to introduce ourselves such as :

  • Me
  • You
  • Hello/ Goodbye
  • Good Morning
  • Good Afternoon
  • Good Night

and then went onto :

  • What is your name?
  • Nice to meet you/ You too
  • How are you/  I’m fine
  • Where do you live?
  • Are you Deaf?
  • Are you Hearing?
  • See you Later
  • Please/Thank you
  • Again/Repeat
  • Slowly

We practiced these together as a full group of 14 for a while getting used to the signs and then watching Carol and Paula signing a conversation using these phrases and questions a couple of times and working out what they were saying and how they were answering.


We then moved our chairs so we had two rows of seven facing each other and we then had to sit and have a basic BSL conversation with the person opposite us starting with Hello or good afternoon, how are you and then replying, then going onto asking names and where we live and whether we are deaf or hearing  and signing back names and places we live  and answering questions back to the person who signed it to us, to show that we understood what they had said . This was really interesting to do once we had done that with the person opposite one half of us moved down one chair and then did the same thing again with someone different and we repeated this a couple of times. The reason being was to get us used to using the signs and finger spellings and also because everyone signs slightly differently so it got us used to different peoples ways of signing.


Once we had done that a couple of times we then watched Paula and Carol sign some more conversations to each other and then they chose people at random from the full group to have a sign conversation with and had to reply in sign to questions that they asked, as well as doing the facial expressions and lip pattern of the words.


After this, unfortunately, it was the end of the course, the time honestly flew by and it did not feel like we had been there for 3 hours and honestly all it did was grow my love of the language more and make me so much more determined to want to go forward with this and get my level 1, level 2 and level 3 and to be able to do it fluently and to be able to sign fluent conversations . The ladies running it were absolutely amazing and the course was fantastic I certainly learned a lot.


I enquired about going forward and doing my level 1 as I knew that they had mentioned earlier in the day about how they have their charity which I follow on facebook and was how I found out about the day (Don’t shout out “BSL”) and they had mentioned how they run both level 1 and level 2 BSL courses. They said that they have two level 1classes starting September this year on weekday evenings, However, unfortunately, both of them are fully booked, so I was told to keep an eye out on the facebook page and website as they said that they’d had a lot of interest and were looking into running another level 1 class . So I left feeling that I would absolutely be doing this and keep my eyes peeled, as I got on well with the two teachers as well as everyone else and left having made some new friends that are now on my facebook, who have said about us meeting up for coffee to practise our sign and to catch up , and I just thought I wouldn’t mind travelling to Southend once a week for a couple of hours to learn BSL.


I spent the afternoon looking around the shops in Southend to take a bit more of a day of it before returning home early evening. Where I then messaged  Don’t Shout Out BSL page , as I had meant to speak to Carol before I left about getting a certificate of attendance made up as proof for work and for my Queens Guide Award record, as well as just generally thanking them for a fantastic course and to express my interest again in going further with it when I received this message back:


Hello, Bethan. It was lovely to meet you this morning and so glad that you enjoyed it. Well, I have some good news! Paula and I spoke about you this afternoon as we were very impressed with how you were doing and your obvious enthusiasm. So we are very happy to squeeze you in to the Monday evening course if you are interested. If you are, please let me have your email address and I will send the details over to you. Also, if you can send me your home address and I’ll pop an attendance certificate in the post to you. X” 


I was so excited I honestly couldn’t believe it, I was shocked. I had really enjoyed it but was surprised to hear that they both had been talking about me and had thought I had picked it up really quick , and of course messaged Carol back with my email address to get more information about the level 1 course sent over and of course my home address for an attendance certificate so I can use it as proof to work and my Queens Guide Award record, I honestly didn’t expect this at all but of course I have absolutely said that I would love a place on the course and have accepted can’t believe that from September this year I will be working towards achieving something off of my bucket list that I have wanted to do for so long and is such a vital skill too. I will have to do three exams for level 1 with the first being in November so 6 weeks after starting but I honestly cannot wait.


Things in life seem to be looking on the up and very happy and positive again which is great. I will update you on the course as and when I get more information about it and will try to make videos what I have learned so far or what I am learning as I’m doing it 🙂


speak soon 🙂 xxxx